By Fault

by Sasha Kay Riley

  Even though you will never see this I still feel that I am speaking to you. I will never be able to speak to you again in person so I will say the things here that I never got to tell you before you left us. You deserve the truth. Maybe God will let you feel my love across whatever distance separates us.

  I had a pregnancy between Eve and you. It was a difficult one, and your father overheard me telling a friend that I wished it could be over. Shortly afterward I miscarried. He accused me of taking drugs to have an abortion. Within days he was forcing himself on me and didn’t stop until I finally became pregnant again. But even then he only treated me kindly for a short time.

  He had started to become overly religious by this time so my act of rebellion was to find a name with no religious ties, with the help of my friends. Of the list of names we established, “Dustin” stood out to me for its meaning: valiant warrior. And you fit the meaning. I hope that it keeps you safe now more than ever.

  You were born two weeks early. He was angry when I didn’t do all the laundry before he came home from work. He knocked me down and the labor started. At the hospital the nurses saw my bruises and didn’t believe the story I gave them about falling down the stairs. He was kept from the room until well after you were born. I told him your name was Gabriel, and the hospital made sure he didn’t hear us use your real name. He was furious when he saw the birth certificate weeks later and learned that Gabriel was only your middle name. It was supposed to be his father’s name, but I didn’t want you to carry two names of his family. Your last name would be enough.

  That is why he treated you so terribly. Learning your sexuality was an excuse to take you from me. Because I love you. I carry this shame and guilt and always will. Somehow, though, I knew that what I did would make your life better in the end. I still pray that I am not wrong.

  He was asked to leave our church when Father Tim found out what he had done. An entire mass was led with the theme of love and family. It ended with the words, “and any who have cast out their own must now repair the hurt or leave this congregation.” We haven’t gone back since, and he has found a Baptist church that he is planning to join. I never will. The women at church still speak to me when they can. They know I couldn’t do anything to stop what happened.

  I have failed you. I’m sure you don’t remember me fondly, but know that I loved you more than anything. I pray every day that you are safe, that you have a good life, and that you find love. I pray that you find a good man who never hurts you, only cares about you.

  Your loving mother.

  VINCE FOUGHT the lump in his throat as he folded the letter and placed it back inside the envelope. He had always believed, based on what Dustin had said, that Dustin’s mother had also wanted him gone.

  “My parents kicked me out.”

  “My parents were terrible.”

  “I don’t think my parents ever loved me.”

  It was clear to Vince that Dustin’s mom had cared. Why else would she have written this?

  Hopefully Dustin could see that too.

  Vince moved over to the couch to wait.

  VINCE WOKE from a light doze when the door clicked open again. Dustin didn’t speak as he shed his jacket and changed into a pair of sweatpants that weren’t wet at the ankles, then climbed into bed. Vince shut off the light and followed. Though he wanted to ask questions, he held them back. Instead, he silently slipped an arm over Dustin’s curled form and spooned against him.

  “I want to talk about it,” Dustin murmured. “I really do. But not now.”

  Vince kissed his cheek. “Take however long you need. I’ll still be right here.”

  “Thank you.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  AT SOME point during the night, Vince woke to Dustin having a nightmare. Vince had expected the emotions of reading his mom’s letter to trigger enough painful memories to cause one, so he did what he always did on the now rare nights that this happened. While Dustin shifted and mumbled to himself, Vince gently spoke Dustin’s name repeatedly. He resisted the urge to touch, knowing that sometimes the nightmares were of being assaulted and that touching him made the confusion of waking up more difficult to get through.

  Finally, Dustin opened his eyes. He was breathing heavily and the first thing he did was run his hands over his face.

  “You’re right here with me,” Vince assured him, keeping his tone gentle and soothing.

  Dustin released a heavy breath. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be.”

  Dustin turned and moved closer to Vince, curling up against his chest. Vince wrapped his arms around Dustin, doing his best to comfort him.

  “I dreamed that she actually did fight for me when he kicked me out,” Dustin whispered. “And that he killed her in front of me.”

  “That’s definitely not a good dream.”

  “I want to believe that letter but I just don’t know,” Dustin went on quietly. “Believing it means that she cared, and I’ll still never see her again either way. Eve said she’s trying to get her to leave Dad because he’s so abusive, but she refuses to. So even if she really did care about me, I won’t see her again. It’s probably best to believe that she hated me like he did.”

  “I don’t think that will do much for you either,” Vince murmured.

  Dustin sighed. “Well, thinking she might care just gave me a nightmare so it might just be better to let myself think the way I used to. I only read the letter because you were talking about your mom and I decided that if something happened and I didn’t read it until afterward, I’d regret it.”

  Vince ran a hand through Dustin’s hair. “That makes sense. Whatever you need to think to get through it, Dust.”

  “As if ‘it’ isn’t the rest of my life.”

  Vince just held him closer, unable to find anything to say that could make Dustin feel any better. Eventually he felt Dustin’s body slowly relax and his breathing even out into sleep again. Vince continued to hold Dustin close until he too fell asleep, hoping that everything would work out for Dustin. But there was only so much Vince could do.

  VINCE SPENT most of Monday dealing with Greg Dugan and the official things that went along with being selected for the Nations Cup team. There was paperwork and officials to deal with, plus he had to introduce himself to his new teammates. Vince was hardly surprised to learn that he was the youngest and least experienced on the team of four. He did recognize all of his teammates from competition, and all of them had congratulated him on his wins at some point.

  There was Mary Renolds, a woman Vince guessed to be at least a decade older than he was. She was also one of the shortest people Vince had met at this level at barely over five feet in height. Nick Mason had to be close to sixty but was in great shape. Max White was in the middle, somewhere in his forties, Vince guessed. They also all had Olympic experience. Once again, Vince felt a little overwhelmed to be on the same level as these riders.

  They made him feel at ease almost immediately, though.

  “I’m glad to finally be competing with you,” Nick said when he shook Vince’s hand. There was a bright, honest smile on his face. “I’m not quite used to fighting for second place instead of first, but that’s what I’ve been doing every time I see your name listed.”

  Vince had to smile. “I’m sorry about that.”

  Nick laughed. “You shouldn’t be. It’s good to see younger riders doing so well. Gives me hope that the sport will never die.”

  “I agree,” Vince replied. “I hope it grows.”

  “With someone like you around, I’m sure it will.”

  HE STILL checked in with Dustin as often as he could. Dustin claimed to be fine and was acting mostly like himself, but Vince was still worried after the night before. No one could get over that so quickly.

  One of his excuses he made to go back to the stables was to bring Dustin his new jacket. It was dark blue and had the Nations Cup logo on it along with the words “Team USA.”

  “Grooms
have them too, not just riders,” Vince explained, already wearing his own. “It’s a unique competition that not everyone is able to do, so those that do get plenty of fun stuff. Wait until you see the riding coat I have to wear.”

  Dustin gave Vince a curious look as he switched into his new jacket from his Anderson Stables one. “Is it covered in stars and stripes?”

  Vince laughed. “No, but it is bright red.”

  Dustin grinned. “I can’t wait to see that.”

  VINCE SPENT the next few days training with his team, which he found a little odd. He was used to just going out and working with Xander in one of the training arenas whenever he wanted to and minding his own business. But now he was expected to ride at the same time as the others, with Greg Dugan there to watch. Vince wasn’t accustomed to “team building,” but he went along with it. He answered the questions he got asked about training methods and tried his best to correct his seat when Max pointed out that his lower leg sometimes slid a little too far back when he jumped.

  The training sessions also gave Dustin the chance to meet and talk to the other grooms on the team. Most of the time they all hung out at the rail to watch and talk to each other. From what Vince noticed, Nick’s groom seemed to be the oldest, and he definitely had a lot of stories to tell. He was almost always talking, and most of the time he had the other three laughing or grinning.

  Vince was glad Dustin was also meeting and getting to know new people.

  THERE WAS still one class on Thursday where Vince and Xander competed on their own, and they took second place. It was a good warm-up for the next night’s event, and most of the riders and horses who would be in the Nations Cup used it for just that. Vince was not at all disappointed to lose by a full second to Nick and his speedy little stallion.

  “SO, HOW does this class work, exactly?” Dustin asked on Friday morning.

  Vince handed Dustin his coffee, earning a thankful grin. “According to Greg there are nine teams. Each team has four riders, but the highest score for each team after the first round gets dropped. Basically, if the first three riders all go clear the fourth doesn’t even need to ride.”

  “Are you the fourth?”

  Vince shook his head. “Nick is. I’m third, though.”

  “So if someone knocks down a rail, he rides to try for a clear so you can get rid of the four faults?”

  “Exactly.”

  Dustin sipped his coffee. “What about the second round?”

  “Top six teams come back for that and whichever team has the lowest combined score for both rounds wins.”

  “Sounds pretty exciting.”

  Vince smiled and stepped closer to Xander’s stall to rub the horse’s face. “I’m looking forward to it. It’s something different. I’m used to my team in the ring just being Xander, so this will be interesting.”

  “So why is it on Friday night and not Saturday?” Dustin asked, leaning against the stall door next to Vince.

  “Saturday is actually another Nations Cup for junior riders. Which I kind of want to watch.”

  Dustin nodded. “I noticed there were a lot more young rider classes going on, especially in the international arena.”

  Vince couldn’t hold back a smile as he had a sudden thought. “Maybe I can find Hunter a good sport pony this weekend.”

  Dustin chuckled. “You really are determined to make him a horse guy.”

  “It runs in the family,” Vince said with a shrug. “He can’t fight it.”

  “Who would want to?” Dustin laughed. “Especially when his dad is a badass rider like you.”

  Vince wasn’t sure he felt very badass, especially once he put on his bright red coat that night, but he went with it. This was going to be an exciting experience, and he was ready for it. He’d walked the course with his teammates to get a feel for the footing and the distance between jumps, and they all seemed to share the same opinions about the best way to ride the course. He definitely knew what he was doing with all these experienced people.

  And, he finally realized, he felt pretty proud to be wearing that ugly red coat with the blue collar and the flag on the chest. It might not be as important as an Olympic team, but making it onto a Nations Cup team wasn’t something everyone did all the time. Especially when they were virtual newcomers like Vince and Xander.

  It wasn’t an experience Vince had expected to have, but he planned to make the most of it.

  In the end, he decided that the whole thing was really enjoyable, even fun. Groups in the stands supported their countries with flags and even outfits inspired by the flags for the more patriotic fans. The American fans were the loudest, but that probably had more to do with the show’s location than anything else.

  Greg Dugan’s advice to the team had been to ignore all the other teams’ rounds and focus on their own. So Vince spent the entire class with his team, either at the warm-up arena or at the in gate watching his teammates’ rounds.

  Mary rode first and kept all the rails up, though not without a few close calls. Between her round and Max’s, they went back to the warm-up arena, where Mary detailed her ride in case any of the information could be helpful to the rest of them.

  Max followed Mary with a second clear round for the team, which put pressure on Vince. If he knocked down a rail, Nick could still salvage their score, but Vince didn’t want to be the one to mess up after his first two teammates had done so well.

  When Dustin brought Xander over to Vince, Vince couldn’t resist giving Dustin a quick kiss on the cheek.

  “Good luck,” Dustin said with a grin, squeezing Vince’s hand.

  “Thanks.” Vince smiled and squeezed back before letting go to clip his helmet.

  Dustin held Xander while Vince swung into the saddle and waited for him to get settled before letting go. Xander was eager to work and the warm-up went smoothly, without a single thing to worry Vince. And when the time came to head to the in gate for his round, he had his team with him to encourage him. Once again, he felt that pressure to not screw up, but it went away when Dustin put a hand on his leg. Vince shifted the reins to one hand and offered the other one to Dustin, who gripped it firmly.

  “Love you,” Dustin said quietly.

  Before Vince had the chance to reply, the gate went up and he had to ride in.

  Vince forced himself to concentrate on each jump as it came, pushing out all thoughts of screwing up for the time being. He didn’t even give himself more than a split second of relief after each clear jump.

  The seventh jump gave him a serious scare. Vince had cut a corner and couldn’t get Xander going straight on before the imposing jump. Xander took it at an awkward angle and Vince heard the disappointing sound of hoof hitting rail. He tried to shut out the gasp of the crowd and his own disappointment as they headed for the next fence, but then he heard a cheer go up instead of the usual groan that went with a downed rail.

  There wasn’t time to think about it, though. That jump was behind them and the next one was coming up fast.

  At the end of the course he looked up at the scoreboard, despite the cheering crowd, and grinned when he saw the perfect zero under the fault column. Apparently the seventh rail had decided to be lucky after all and not go down.

  And then he saw his teammates—Dustin included—cheering for him at the in gate. He liked the sense of pride he felt at not having let his teammates down. It was a great feeling.

  When he was outside the arena he hopped off Xander and gave Dustin a quick kiss.

  “Love you too.”

  Dustin grinned and gave a treat to Xander. “Good.”

  DESPITE WHAT Greg Dugan had told them all about not worrying about the other teams, he still disappeared during the break between rounds and returned with information about the standings.

  “We’re in the lead,” he announced. “So we go last in the second round. We’re ahead by four faults.”

  “That’s only one rail. Not much wiggle room,” Max pointed out.

  Gre
g shrugged. “Things can change. I doubt everyone else is going to have all clear rounds, so we might have more room as the round goes on.”

  Which was exactly what happened. By the time they had to ride, they were ahead by twelve faults, which meant that all three of them could take a rail and trigger a tiebreaker round. When Mary rode first and had a clear round again, it was a relief for Vince because it put less pressure on him and Max.

  Max, however, knocked down the final rail and Vince had to take a deep breath to settle whatever he was feeling—he couldn’t tell if it was excitement or anxiety. As long as he and Xander didn’t have a rare disaster of a ride, they would win, but once again it was on them not to screw up.

  And again it wasn’t his teammates’ words of encouragement that calmed him, but Dustin’s touch. This time it was a firm grip on his knee and the simple words, “You can do this.”

  Vince just nodded as the gate went up.

  The first few jumps went perfectly and the crowd cheered each successful attempt. Xander responded to the extra noise by putting even more effort into his jumps and never touched a rail until they reached the second-to-last fence. Xander’s hoof rubbed the rail and it clattered down to a groan from the crowd, but it made Xander soar higher over the last fence, leaving it up untouched.

  Vince’s happy whoop was drowned out by the crowd as they galloped over the finish mark, and when Vince looked back toward the gate he saw his teammates cheering even more enthusiastically than before. He didn’t even get the chance to hug Dustin when he got off Xander before Nick pulled him into a one-armed hug.

  “I knew you could win this for us!” Nick laughed, giving Vince a shake before letting him go. “By God, I hope you’re on the Olympic team.”