Hate Me or Love Me

by Ella Miles

  I shut my bedroom door and then find my baggiest sweatpants and sweatshirt. A shield of sorts to keep Carter from hitting on me.

  I step into Logan’s tiny bedroom that barely fits his queen sized bed. I find Logan lying back on the bed, while Carter is sitting on the floor leaning against the opposite wall. Both hold a beer in their hands.

  “Here,” Carter says, holding out a beer to me.

  I walk to Carter while I look at Logan, waiting for him to say that I can’t have the beer. He doesn’t say anything though. I’ve had a few beers before, but I’ve never drank with Logan. He never lets me. I don’t know why today is any different, but if we aren’t going to get to eat then we might as well get drunk to pass the time.

  I take the beer from Carter and watch as he pats the floor beside him. I take a seat next to him despite my better judgment.

  Logan starts playing some music on his radio and we all just sit there listening to the music while thinking about our shitty lives. Logan finishes his beer and then gets up, leaving Carter and me alone. I don’t know where Logan is going, but neither of us ask or care.

  Carter downs his beer while I continue to sip mine. “Want another?” he asks.

  I finish mine and then nod, handing him my empty can. He takes it from me and tosses them both in the corner of the room before grabbing two more cans from the box sitting on the floor at the foot of Logan’s bed. He hands one to me as he takes a seat next to me again.

  “So who are you taking to prom?” I ask. I’m sure he’s going. Logan’s going with Michelle, a girl he’s been seeing recently. And Carter wouldn’t miss an opportunity to get a girl in his bed, or more likely my bed, while I end up sleeping on the couch.

  He shrugs. “Haven’t decided yet.”

  I raise an eyebrow. “Every girl you asked so far has turned you down,” I joke even though I know it isn’t true. No girl in our high school would turn down Carter. He’s far too good looking. No one can resist his charming smile. When he wants someone, he gets them.

  “Don’t say yes to Mark,” he says.

  I frown. “Don’t start that again.”

  He fingers trace across my forearm as tiny goosebumps raise up and down my arm.

  I pull my arm away and try to change the subject.

  “What are you going to tell your teachers tomorrow when you come in with a black eye?” I ask.

  He shrugs. “I’ll come up with something.”

  “I have some makeup you can use. It’s not the best but it might help.”

  He looks at me as a slow smile creeps up his face. “Do your worst.”

  I jump up and run to my bedroom to grab my small bag of makeup before walking back to Logan’s bedroom. I feel the strange flutters in my stomach again as I take a seat next to Carter again. Logan is back on the bed drinking another beer, and Carter sets his down next to him as he looks at me.

  I pull out my concealer and foundation and begin applying it around his eyes over the red and purple bruise that has formed on his face. I try to focus on the bruise instead of on his eyes but it’s difficult when he’s staring at me so intently. I’ve never seen him look at me this way.

  I swallow hard and put down the makeup brush. “There, much better.”

  He doesn’t respond or ask to look at himself in the mirror. I’ll have to apply more in the morning, but I think it will work well enough that most people won’t notice.

  He reaches forward and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. My heart stops, along with my breathing, and every other cell in my body. I don’t know what that was. But it felt like something I never expected to feel from him. It felt like he cared. Like adoration. Maybe even more.

  “You’re beautiful, Tori,” he says so quietly that I’m not sure I even heard him say it.

  But his words are what I play over and over in my head as I fall asleep. They are what I think about when I decide to wait to call Mark and tell him I’ll go to prom with him. They are what make me think that Carter wants to go to prom with me.

  My heart races in my chest as Logan drives the three of us to school the next morning. Butterflies flip in my stomach throughout the day, until they become giant piranhas eating up my insides with nerves as the day ends and I know that I will see Carter again.

  He’s driven me crazy my whole life, but deep down I’ve always felt something for him. I’ve always wished that when he was with the other girls, it was me he was kissing instead. I just never thought he would feel the same way about me. I never thought he would call me beautiful. I never thought he’d choose me.

  I’ve been avoiding Mark all day, but as the school day comes to a close there’s no way for me to avoid him. He walks up to my locker just like he did the day before. Except this time, he barely looks at me and doesn’t smile at me when I look at him.

  I bite my lip trying to decide what I should do. Mark is great. He’s been nothing but nice to me, but Carter…Carter brings me alive like nothing I’ve ever felt before.

  I glance past Mark, and see Carter walking down the hallway to me.

  ‘No’ he mouths to me while nodding toward Mark.

  I know he wants me to tell Mark no. I’m just not sure why.

  I look at Mark and say words I never thought I’d say to him, “I’m sorry Mark, someone else already asked me to prom.”

  “Oh, okay Victoria. I’ll see you around then.” His eyes widen a little and then he walks away in shock.

  I smile brightly at Carter who is walking toward me. This is it. He’s going to ask me now that I turned Mark down.

  He keeps walking toward me when a blonde woman grabs onto his waist. He stops and smiles at her before he leans down and kisses her on the lips.

  My mouth drops open at what I’m seeing. How could I be so stupid to think that Carter would ask me to prom?

  I turn back to my locker to keep the tears from falling. I’ll cry later in my room. Alone. But not here.

  “Hey Tori, you ready to go?” Carter asks.

  I nod as I close my locker and place my backpack over my shoulder. He doesn’t offer to carry my backpack like he did yesterday. Instead, he holds onto her like he’s been waiting his whole life for her.

  “I’m Lily,” the blonde says.

  “Victoria, Logan’s sister,” I say.

  She smiles. “That’s so cool that you’re gay. I’ve never met a gay woman before. Have you found a girl to go to prom with you?”

  My eyes flutter at her words. “What?”

  Carter takes over for her. “No, Victoria hasn’t found a girl to take her to prom. Maybe next year.”

  He pulls her in and kisses her again right in front of me while my heart is breaking. Carter has done some messed up shit, but this might be the worst. I’ve suffered plenty of physical pain because of him. But never heartbreak like this.

  And it’s not over. I’m never going to find a boyfriend, let alone a date, the rest of my high school career. Carter made sure of that with his stupid rumor that he started. Even though it isn’t true, the whole school will believe him over me.

  I’ve felt plenty of pain in my life. But my brittle heart has never been so hurt by a man that I thought behind all the bullshit he actually cared about me. I was wrong. A man like Carter could never truly care about me, because he doesn’t have a heart.

  1

  Victoria

  Ten Years Later

  * * *

  “You’re fired,” my boss, Will, says.

  My mouth falls open a little. He’s got to be kidding. He can’t fire me. I’m his best employee. The company wouldn’t survive without me.

  “This is a joke, right?”

  Will gets up from his large oak desk and walks around to my side. He sits on the edge of his desk as he looks at me with sad eyes.

  He’s not joking. That much is clear.

  “I wish I were joking.”

  He crosses his arms over his chest as he looks even more distressed. I don’t care how he feels right now. He’s th
e one who made the decision to fire me.

  “Are you sure? I mean…I thought I was doing a good job here.”

  I thought I was doing the best job here. I’ve worked at the company less than a year, but I am already heading three different PR projects. When I take over a project, I live and breathe for my clients, making sure that no obstacle goes unnoticed. I’m completely prepared for every negative aspect of every situation and know exactly how to spin it in a positive light.

  “You were, Victoria. It’s really not about your job performance.”

  “Then, why am I getting fired?” My whole body shakes as I speak much too loudly for this office.

  I glance behind me at the glass doors that look into Will’s office. The office was built for transparency so that we could all feel close, like a family. I used to enjoy how open the office felt, how light and airy it was. But, now that I’m getting fired and the entire office is staring at me, I wish it looked more like a dungeon I could hide in.

  Will rubs the back of his neck. “Because the company is struggling. Decisions that were made long before you came here have left the company failing. We have to lay someone off, it’s the only way we can afford to keep running.”

  I nod. I understand the need for layoffs. “That still doesn’t explain, why me? I bring in more income than most of your employees, combined.”

  Will smiles a little at me. “You do. You’re terrific. But being as good as you are also comes with a price. You negotiated the highest salary. And you were our last hire. Those two things mean you are the first one out.”

  I bite my lip to keep from saying what I really want to say. I want to chew him out. I want to say that it doesn’t even make sense to let me go if I’m the best. But I don’t. I just keep my mouth shut. I learned long ago that saying what I want to say usually just makes things worse.

  “I’m sorry, Victoria.”

  I glare up at him. He doesn’t get to be sorry. He’s the one who can’t lead a competent team. He’s the one who doesn’t make enough money so that he doesn’t have to fire his employees to keep the company afloat.

  “Are we done then?” I snap. I can’t be in here any longer.

  When I was first hired, I thought all my dreams were coming true. I got my dream job, in my dream city. But, now, I know it was too good to be true.

  “Yes.”

  I get up and turn to walk out.

  “But just know, Victoria”—Will lowers his voice—“that this is really for your benefit. Unless a miracle happens, the company won’t survive the year. When this company goes down in flames, you will already be working your way up the ladder at your next company.”

  I stop at the door and smirk. “You’re an idiot, Will, because you just lost your last chance to save your company. Because I was that miracle. I would have stepped up and started working a hundred hours a week or more for the same pay to ensure that this company survived. I would have done anything because I believed in this company. I liked my coworkers. I loved my job. But, instead of reaching out for help, you’re getting rid of the only shot you had left. But you’re right about one thing. I will already be at a more successful company while your company is ripped apart and sold piece by piece to try to give something to your investors.”

  I push the glass door open and walk out with my head held high to my desk. I keep a large fake smile plastered on my face as I glide across the room, pretending like I just quit instead of getting fired. I gather my laptop and things into my briefcase. And then I walk out, like my life is fine.

  But, instead, my world just fell apart. I don’t even make it to my car before the tears drop. Tears I would never let anyone else ever see, but in the darkness of the parking garage, they descend.

  This was the absolute worst day for me to get fired. I just bought a new house last week. There are still boxes everywhere. My sister, niece, and I haven’t even fully moved in yet. Putting down the down payment practically emptied my savings. I need a new job and fast.

  I hit the steering wheel over and over, trying to get my frustration and pain out. This is the third time I’ve been fired in five years. None of them were my fault. I’m good at fixing people’s problems. Everyone’s, except for mine.

  By the time I get to the house, the house that I thought we would live in for years to come but is now threatened, I have lost the tears and returned the fake smile to my face. I won’t let them know that I just got fired. I can’t. I won’t let them worry. Ever.

  I open the door, and before I even get inside, I’m tackled by two dogs and my ten-year-old niece.

  I laugh as we all fall to the floor while I try not to bump into any of the boxes that are piled high everywhere.

  “You’re home!” Sailor squeals. “I thought you weren’t supposed to be home until five.”

  I tightly hug her, loving that the second she’s in my arms, I feel ten times better—but ten times worse at the same time. I try to focus on the happy feeling of getting to spend more time with my niece today.

  “I got my work done quickly so that I could come be with you this week.”

  “Yay! Does that mean we can go to the beach?” Sailor’s little eyes light up as her blonde curls hang down around her cheeks.

  I smile. I’m not sure I could ever tell her no. I’d do anything for her. I’ll do everything I can to make sure that she is taken care of. This is her home now, and I will make sure it remains her home, including flipping burgers, waitressing, or serving coffee. Anything. Let’s just hope I don’t have to resort to that.

  I’m a generally positive person. But I do know how long it took me to find my last position. Six months. I had been offered several jobs before the last one, but none of them paid enough. None gave me the flexibility that I needed.

  I look back at Sailor. I’ll figure it out though. I don’t have six months to make something happen. I have about a month of savings. I can find a job that fast in the San Francisco area, no problem.

  “Absolutely! Let’s go see if your mom wants to go.”

  Sailor’s face brightens. “Good. I’m tired of being cooped up in this house.”

  I laugh. “You’ve been cooped up for a total of four hours.”

  She shrugs. “But it was a long four hours!”

  “Your mom upstairs?” I ask, already knowing the answer.

  Sailor nods.

  “Go get changed into your swimsuit, and I’ll go see if your mom wants to go.”

  Sailor shoots up the stairs to her bedroom while I go check to see if my sister, Amber, is out of bed yet. I knock on the door before I slowly enter her bedroom. She’s still in bed, like I expected.

  I go over to the window and open the blinds.

  “It’s a beautiful day, Amber.”

  My sister groans and covers her head with the thick comforter. I want to be angry. I want to yell at my sister to get up and go take care of her daughter. To get a job. Or, at the very least, spend time with Sailor. But I know that would be the opposite of helpful. Tough love never works with Amber.

  We are different like that. Amber needs soft encouragement while I need tough love.

  Amber has gorgeous, long blonde hair, just like her daughter, while my auburn hair makes it so that you wouldn’t even know that Amber and I were related from our looks.

  “I’m taking Sailor to the beach. You up for joining us? We would really like that.”

  “No.”

  I take a deep breath, needing to remain calm.

  “You sure, Amb? It’s a beautiful day out. You don’t have to swim if you don’t want to. Just come enjoy the day with us.”

  “No.”

  I walk over to the bed and sit on the edge while I rub her back, trying to encourage her to come. But we’ve been through this before. She had postpartum depression after Sailor was born. And despite trying to get her help, she’s never gotten better. Losing her job and apartment didn’t help. She’s at one of her lowest places. And there is not much I can do to help her when she
is like this but make sure she is taking her medications and going to therapy while letting her know I’m here for her when she finally makes it through the fog.

  “Do you need anything before I go?”

  “No.”

  I lean down and kiss her on the cheek. I wish there were more I could do, but depression is hard to fight. It’s not something I can fix, no matter how much I want to.

  “I love you, sis,” I say, getting up before getting ready and heading to the beach.

  I could live my life at the beach and never get enough of it. Sailor is the same way. She was meant to live in the water. Sometimes, I wonder if she was meant to be my daughter instead of Amber’s. But then she does something that reminds me completely of my sister, and I know she is hers. And, when Amber is healthy, she makes an amazing mother. It’s just hard when she is in one of her depressed places. Hard for her to keep a job, hard for her to take care of her daughter, hard for her to even get out of bed.

  That’s why I have to have a job. I have to take care of Sailor when Amber can’t. That’s what family does. We pick each other up and handle things when others can’t take care of themselves. If only I could convince my mother and brother of that, then maybe it wouldn’t fall on me all the time.

  Who am I kidding? I like the responsibility. I like being in control of the family. I like taking care of them. I just hoped life would go my way for once in my damn life.

  My phone buzzes, and I don’t have to look at the screen to know who it is. My mother, who recently married a wealthy doctor and now thinks she is mother of the year. At least she doesn’t get drunk as often anymore. I consider not answering. I don’t want to tell her that I got fired, but I’m not the best liar. She will know. But, if I don’t answer, she will just keep calling all day long until I finally do.

  “Hello?” I answer, trying to sound chipper.

  “What’s wrong?” my mother asks.

  I frown. “Nothing’s wrong.”