Hate Me or Love Me

by Ella Miles

  “I can’t. She’s asleep.”

  My heart stops. All my worst fears start flying through my head. That something happened to Amber. She committed suicide. She overdosed. She finally gave up.

  “Okay, Sailor. I need to hang up a minute to call Grandma, and then I’ll call you right back, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  I reluctantly end the call and dial my mom’s number. I give her all the details, and she promises to call 911 and get over there ASAP. But I have to sit here, hopeless. Because I can fix everyone’s problems but my own family’s.

  I shake my head. I can fix my family’s problems. I just can’t fix my own problems.

  I pull up an airline website on my phone and book the next one home. I start walking back to my rental car when Carter ducks out of the building, grabbing on to me.

  “I have to talk to you,” Carter says.

  “I need to talk to you, too,” I say even though I don’t have time for this conversation. “But it needs to wait.”

  Carter puts his finger to my lips. “No, it can’t wait. I need you to know how incredibly sorry I am. Both of those kisses back there meant nothing. I feel nothing for Lily. Not even the tiniest of sparks compared to what I feel with you.”

  I smile weakly, trying to pretend I care about his words right now when all I can think about is Sailor and Amber.

  “Are you listening to me? I want you, not Lily. I want you, Victoria. I’m sorry about all this mess, but I’m not really dating Lily. It’s all a lie. It’s all pretend. Lily understands that now. That all we will ever do is hold hands and pretend to be in love and occasionally kiss, although I will try to prevent that at all costs. That woman kisses like I imagine a lizard would.”

  I zone him out. I can’t hear his words. Only focusing on the fact that my family needs me.

  “Victoria?”

  I don’t answer. I just think about if I have time to stop by Logan’s to pack or if I should go straight to the airport.

  “Victoria?”

  I probably should just go straight to the airport.

  Carter grabs my neck and waist as he kisses me. I’m caught off guard, but he’s desperate to give me everything with this kiss, and slowly, I let him into my world of pain. I let him know how scared I am. As our tongues dance together, I tell him that I like him, too.

  He slowly breaks away. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

  I shake my head and stay in his arms for a second longer. If I tell him what’s going on, I’ll start crying, and then he’ll insist on coming with me. But he can’t. He needs to stay here, and I have to go.

  “I just have to go. Tell Lily that I quit. That a family thing came up.”

  And then I walk away from what I know is a man I could love with every fiber of my being. I just don’t know if he will still be waiting for me when I get back from fixing my family.

  12

  Carter

  I should have run after Victoria.

  I should have chased her down and forced her to talk to me. Or just followed her until she was ready to tell me what was going on.

  But I didn’t.

  I let her go. And, now, I don’t know what’s going on. Is this the end? Is she coming back?

  The hug and kiss she gave me before she left sure didn’t feel like the end. It felt like the beginning. It felt like she needed me, but then she just left.

  The door to the apartment opens, and I jump off the couch I’ve been sitting on most of the afternoon, waiting for Victoria to come back. All of her stuff is still here, so she must be coming back soon.

  “Victoria, I’m sorry,” I say, running to the door.

  Logan raises an eyebrow at me as he enters. “Why are you apologizing to my sister?”

  I rub the back of my neck. “Because I fucked up.”

  Logan walks past me toward the kitchen. He opens the fridge, staring at it.

  “Aren’t you going to kill me for hurting your sister?” I ask reluctantly.

  He slams the door shut with anger and rage I was expecting. I know he is going to hit me, and I deserve it. I should never have agreed to date Lily while being with Victoria. Even on a pretend basis. I knew it would eventually hurt her.

  “No.”

  “No?”

  He shakes his head. “You might have fucked up, but I’ve always thought you and Victoria were meant for each other. I think you would make each other better.”

  I frown. “I hurt her pretty bad. I deserve to be punched or at least thrown out of your apartment or something.”

  “You’re probably right. But, lucky for you, I’m not looking for a fight today.”

  That’s when I realize that the look on Logan’s face isn’t just rage and anger. It’s fear and sadness. Victoria had a similar look before she left.

  “What’s going on? Victoria just upped and left today, and I have no idea where she is going or when she’s coming back.”

  “She’s not coming back.”

  “Then, where is she? I’ll go to her.”

  Logan’s head drops. “Come get a drink with me. I don’t have shit in this apartment. Then, maybe I won’t end up killing you.”

  “So, what did you do to piss off my sister?” Logan asks after the bartender gives us our beers.

  “I made a kiss between me and my pretend girlfriend a little too believable.”

  Logan laughs. “I really should kick your ass.”

  I shrug and take a drink of my beer.

  “I would, but I don’t think Victoria is mad at you because of that.”

  I raise an eyebrow.

  “Okay, I’m sure she isn’t happy that you kissed another woman even though it was needed to pull off her stupid scheme. I just mean that she has a lot more important things going on right now.”

  “And that is?”

  “Our sister, Amber, is sick. She has depression. But our idiot mother made it worse by giving her some of her prescription pain killers. Amber overdosed.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Logan takes another long drink of his beer. “Thanks. I just wish I could do more. I can’t take off work. I’m horrible with kids. Well, beyond the fun play stuff, I don’t know how to actually take care of a kid.”

  I remember now that Amber has a daughter. I’ve only met her a couple of times when she was a baby.

  “Sailor’s amazing, and Amber is great with her when she’s well. When the depression takes over again, Victoria always comes in and saves the day. She’s lost jobs because of it. Between losing her jobs and getting fired for things out of her control, Victoria has had a hard time with living the life she wants. She usually has to pick up other random jobs just to pay the bills. Her last company made me think it was finally going to make her life work, but then they fired her for no reason. She just can’t catch a break.”

  Realization hits me of where I factor in all of this. I didn’t realize what I was doing. I didn’t realize I was hurting Victoria. But, now, my problems with Lily seem small.

  “What are Victoria’s plans now?”

  “She checked Amber into a place to help her heal. It will take a few months at least. Our mother isn’t much help. So, Victoria will probably stay with Sailor in San Francisco and try to find another job. She’ll survive, just like she always does. I’ll fly there any chance I can get and send any extra money I make to help out, but it’s never really much help.”

  “What about her stuff? What about her job?”

  “I’ll ship her stuff. And job? I thought she said she quit.”

  “She told me to tell Lily that she quit. I didn’t tell her though. I just said she was sick and needed to go home. I told Lily I had some other work things I needed to address and then got out of there as soon as I could to wait for Victoria.”

  “You need to tell Lily that Victoria quit. She won’t come back. She won’t pull Sailor out of school or take her away from Amber. She will stay in San Francisco even if she can’t find another PR job. She will do everything t
hat she can to fix our family’s problems.”

  I think for a minute, hating that I have to be so far away from Victoria. I don’t know when I will be able to see her again. And I know one thing; I can’t live without her. I love her. I think I’ve always been in love with her. I just thought I couldn’t love her. That she was all wrong for me.

  My mind flashes back to my favorite memory of her. We must have been twelve, maybe thirteen.

  “Logan,” I hiss, poking him in the ribs.

  His hand swats me. “Go away. I’m sleeping.”

  I sigh. It’s not even ten o’clock on a Saturday. There is no way he is sleeping. And I can’t fall asleep.

  I get up from the couch in the basement and head upstairs. Maybe his mom made some food. I walk into the kitchen and open the fridge, but there is no food.

  I sigh. So much for that plan.

  Music? My ears perk up at the sound of music coming from upstairs.

  I creep up the stairs as I listen to the music getting louder along with Tori’s voice. I haven’t ever heard her sing before, and maybe she will offer me some level of entertainment.

  I walk to her door and listen as she belts out Spice Girls. She’s horrible, but I don’t care. It’s amusing actually, how she can sing so confidently. I guess it’s because she doesn’t think anyone is here.

  I throw the door open, planning on embarrassing her. But she doesn’t get embarrassed. Her cheeks don’t flush, and she doesn’t scream in fear.

  Instead, she just rolls her eyes at me and keeps on singing into her hairbrush.

  I frown. So much for entertainment.

  “Sing with me,” she says, tossing me a hairbrush.

  “No. It’s stupid, and you’re horrible.”

  “So? It’s fun.”

  She keeps singing and dancing around the room like a crazy person while I stand, frozen in my spot, with wide eyes.

  “You’re crazy.”

  “You’re boring.”

  She walks over to me until she is standing inches away from me. She lowers her hairbrush and says, “Sing and dance with me, or I’m going to kiss you.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Because you don’t want me to kiss you. Now, sing and dance with me.”

  I frown. “I don’t know the words.”

  “Then, make them up.” She grabs my hand and pulls me into the center of her bedroom.

  She starts dancing again, and I start flapping my arms around.

  She smiles. “See? That isn’t so hard.”

  She grabs my hands and spins us around as we dance. As we spin, my world changes. The way she smiles and makes me smile changes everything. Because, for a split second, I wish I had taken the other option. Or at least said both. Because, right now, there is nothing more I want to do than kiss Tori.

  I didn’t let myself love her because I thought there was no way that she’d ever love me in return. Not after all the cruel things I had done to her. What I did just a few weeks ago is the most savage thing I have ever done. She’s going to hate me.

  But maybe I’ll have a chance if she’s already in love with me. Maybe I’ll have a chance if I can find a way to fix all the problems I’ve caused.

  “What if she doesn’t have to quit?” I ask with a grin.

  13

  Victoria

  It’s three p.m. I need to leave to pick Sailor up from school. But the bills lying on the kitchen table are overwhelming me. Bills for the house. Bills for electricity and water. Bills to cover Amber’s treatment. And that doesn’t even include basic things like food and clothes for me and Sailor.

  All I can see are bills. And no way to pay them.

  What was I thinking, quitting?

  I was thinking I needed to be here for my adorable ten-year-old niece. I was thinking that was what was most important. But it was stupid. My mom could have taken care of her for a couple of weeks. Because I can’t take care of Sailor if I don’t have any money to feed her.

  I hear the doorbell ring, but I don’t move from my spot. I can’t deal with any more nosy neighbors coming to figure out what happened to Amber. I have to find a way to fix my problems. I have to find a way to make a lot of money and fast.

  The doorbell rings again and then again.

  I sigh. It’s probably an annoying kid. I run my hand through my hair. I can feel the tangled knots throughout my head. I haven’t showered in three days. I’ve either been at the hospital with Amber or on the phone, finding a treatment place for her, all while trying to distract Sailor from everything. Basic hygiene hasn’t been high on my list.

  The doorbell rings again, and I finally force myself up from the table. I need to get up anyway to go pick up Sailor. I trudge to the door, not wanting to deal with any other humans today other than Sailor.

  I open the door and fold my arms over my chest, ready to chew out whatever kid is there.

  “Carter?” I ask, like I don’t know it is him standing in my doorway.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask, hating that I’m in sweatpants and an old, ratty shirt. Why didn’t I shower today? Or at the very least, run a brush through my hair or apply some makeup?

  “I’m here because I missed you,” he says, carefully choosing his words.

  “I missed you, too,” I say without thinking, because it’s true. I missed him desperately. I missed the obnoxious way that he held me in bed. I missed the way his arms felt while wrapped around me. I even missed arguing with him about everything.

  He grins. “Can we talk?”

  My phone buzzes in my pocket. The alarm I set to go get Sailor is going off.

  “Actually, I have to go pick up my niece.”

  “Mind if I tag along?”

  “Sure,” I say, even though I’m not sure at all.

  Sailor will ask a million questions about Carter that I’m not ready to answer.

  I step outside, closing the door behind me. I lead Carter down to where my car is parked a few feet away.

  I climb into the driver’s seat, and Carter climbs in next to me. I start driving while Carter stares at me.

  “What?” I ask, assuming he is looking at all my flaws and is about to criticize me.

  “You look beautiful.”

  I blush. “Stop it. I do not. I look like a mess.”

  He tucks a strand of hair, which I’m sure is covered in grease, behind my ear. “You look beautiful because I’ve never seen you stronger.”

  I bite my lip. I can’t believe he just said that.

  “It’s true. I never realized how driven you were, how powerful you were, until recently. I’m sorry for that.”

  I swallow and try to focus on the road. I can’t have him saying things like that to me right now. Our life is far too complicated. He has to pretend he is with Lily, and my life needs me here right now. We are on opposite coasts. Anything between us could never work.

  “Stop analyzing this.”

  “I’m not.”

  He chuckles. “You are because you don’t know how this could work. But you’ve seen my work. You know I’m one of the best fixers in the world. Just one other person might be better.”

  I laugh. “I’m not a fixer. I can’t even fix my own problems.”

  “I don’t know about that. I think you’ve been doing a fine job so far, but only because you keep putting yourself last instead of first.”

  I exhale deeply, trying to stay calm. Trying not to get my hopes up that something magical is about to happen. Because that’s not my life. My life is one problem after the other. My life isn’t easily fixed. My life is a broken mess.

  I pull the car over to the curb outside the school to wait for Sailor to come out. Once she gets into the car, then I’ll be safe. Carter won’t do anything with Sailor in the car.

  “Victoria.”

  One word, and my heart already betrays me. It starts beating for him. Begging me to let him in.

  I look at him. His eyes look deep into mine.

  “I love you, Victori
a. I’ve always loved you. Since the moment I saw you singing Spice Girls in your bedroom and made me join you. To years later when I realized how many times I’d hurt you. To the moment I saw you again after way too long. There has never been another woman. Only you. I love you.”

  Everything in my world stops when he says that he loves me. It’s something I’ve secretly wanted since we were kids. Even when he was torturing me, I still wanted him. There was a connection I didn’t understand.

  I feel a tear slipping down my cheek. I’m literally crying because this man just told me that he loves me. I’m ridiculous.

  “Aren’t you going to say I love you back?” I hear Sailor’s voice from behind me.

  I didn’t even hear her get into the car.

  I quickly wipe my tear and turn to Sailor. “How was your day, sweetheart?”

  She folds her tough arms across her chest. “I want to hear if you love him first. My day sucked. I could use some good news. I could use another uncle.”

  I laugh and turn back to Carter. “I love you, too.”

  He grins as he leans forward and softly kisses me on the lips.

  I compose myself before I start driving back home.

  “I’m Carter,” he says, holding out his hand to Sailor.

  “Uncle Carter, you mean,” Sailor says, shaking his hand.

  I bite my lip to keep from laughing at her sassiness today.

  Carter catches my eye. “Definitely Uncle Carter,” he says, giving me a wink.

  I roll my eyes at him. She can call him whatever she wants, but we are nowhere near ready to make him a real uncle to Sailor.

  “So, I have a proposition for you, Sailor,” Carter says as he turns around in his seat so that he is looking straight at Sailor.

  I raise my eyebrow at him, but I’m not sure that he sees me.

  “I’m listening,” Sailor says in her sweet voice.

  “Your aunt Victoria here has a job in North Carolina. Do you know where that is?”

  “Yep! That’s where Uncle Logan lives.”