Hate Me or Love Me

by Ella Miles

  “So shoot me then, it’s what you want. To hurt Knight and punish me for the pain we’ve caused you.”

  She narrows. “Since when do you know anything I want?”

  “Since I remember that night.”

  Abri studies me a moment and then turns toward the kitchen. I follow her and watch as she pours us each a glass of whiskey.

  I take mine, thankful we might be able to have this conversation woman to woman. Or we will get drunk and turn this into a cat fight.

  “Why are you here, Mila?”

  I take a sip of the whiskey for encouragement. Abri is in a robe, and it’s clear she’s not wearing much underneath it.

  “Because I want to apologize.”

  She raises an eyebrow as she laughs. “You want to apologize?”

  “Yes.” This is my only chance to protect Knight.

  “I hurt you that night. I knew you and Knight were together. I knew you were in love and I hurt you anyway, and I want to say I’m sorry.”

  “Your apology is five years too late.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry for that as well.”

  She drinks all of her whiskey. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t accept your apology.”

  Shit.

  “What do you want then, Abri?”

  She paces back and forth as if no one has ever asked this question. “I want to be happy. I want to never worry about feeding myself again. I want to be with someone who loves me back. And I want you and Knight to pay for what you did.”

  I wince at her last words.

  “You were a princess, Mila. While I was trailer park trash. You had everything while I had nothing. I fought even to find enough food to live. I shivered in my bed at night because we didn’t have any heat while you had everything. Why did you have to take my boyfriend too?”

  “I didn’t take him. And I wasn’t a princess. It was all an illusion. My parents were broke. I’ve slept on the streets. I’ve done unspeakable things for food. I understand. You’re a survivor, just like me. You would do anything to survive.”

  “I did anything to survive.”

  I nod.

  “I don’t blame you for dating Knight. He was set to make a lot of money. You saw your chance, and you took it,” I say.

  “I was happy. I had choices. I could divorce him and take half, or find a way to fall in love and live happily ever after.”

  I still. “I get it. But you can still be happy now. You have the money. You don’t need to hurt us anymore. We’ve suffered enough.”

  She laughs. “I’ve suffered for five years. I will suffer more from the memory of losing my baby. You haven’t known suffering.”

  I catch my breath. This was a mistake. I won’t convince her to change her mind.

  “Five years ago, when Knight stumbled into my room, I fell for him, but he didn’t fall for me. I kissed him, but he didn’t kiss me back. I begged him to stay, but he chose you. He loved you. You could have been happy.”

  Her sob catches in her throat, and I realize the pain she carries. From seeing me with Knight. From losing her baby. From losing Knight’s love.

  I walk over to her and hug her. She cries into my chest.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I say.

  Finally, she pulls away, wiping her tears. The moment is gone, and anger fills her eyes.

  “You should still pay.”

  “We did. You have everything. Money, the apartment, the company.”

  “And you have him.”

  I suck in a breath. “You never loved him, only the idea of him.”

  She slaps me, and I deserve it, but it’s the truth.

  “I remember hearing you and Ren talk about Knight. You weren’t in love. You said he was a way out of your trailer park life. You planned on getting a divorce. You even said if it looked like you wouldn’t get enough money in the divorce, you’d kill him and get the insurance money.”

  Abri stills at my words.

  “Is my memory wrong?”

  “No.”

  “Did you try to kill Knight in a car accident?”

  “Yes.”

  “Did he ever hurt you? Beat you?” I suck in my breath, waiting for her honest answer. I love Knight; I might be blind to his faults.

  “No. I lied to try and keep him away from you.”

  I exhale all of my pain in that moment.

  “That kiss destroyed me. Even though I never loved Knight, it hurt. Not as much as losing Gideon, but I can’t forgive you for it either.”

  I nod, and then I see the flash of metal.

  I hold my hands up cautiously. “Abri, relax. We are just talking.”

  “Abri, what are you doing?” Knight asks from the hallway. His hands are up as well, showing caution. But his eyes are all fear.

  “You both hurt me so much. And yet, I was the one punished. I lost my baby,” Abri cries again.

  Shit. What did I do? This isn’t going to end well.

  “You will find happiness again. You have money now. You have a company you love. You can adopt a baby or find a sperm bank and have your own. You don’t need a man to be happy. Or you can find a man and fall desperately in love. You can have anything you want, Abri. I want you to be happy. I just don’t want to spend my life wondering if you will come after us,” I say.

  Abri raises the gun, and I turn to Knight. We both freeze, unsure what is going to happen. I love you, I mouth to him.

  I love you too, he mouths back.

  It probably isn’t the smartest thing to do in front of Abri. It makes her pain worse and gives her more reason to shoot us, but if this is my last moment on this earth, I want to leave it loving Knight.

  I turn back, and instead of the gun pointed at my head, Abri holds out the gun for me to take. I do, hesitantly.

  She looks at me. “I won’t come after you. I won’t think of you again after today. I’m starting a new life. This is my surrender. Be happy. Just know that Ace isn’t a saint.”

  “Thank you. We won’t press charges. We won’t take our evidence to the police unless you force us to, but know if either of us ends up hurt, this entire conversation will be played in front of a court.”

  “It won’t come to that,” Abri says.

  I nod and watch as she walks to Knight. “I’m keeping everything. You still deserve to suffer some for what you did, you asshole.”

  “You deserve to be happy, Abri. For what it’s worth, I loved you and would have loved you forever if I could. And I’ll love our time together because it gave me a brief moment with our son.” Knight pulls Abri into a tight hug, and they both cry into each other’s shoulders.

  I walk out of the apartment giving them a moment alone together. I take the gun and put it in my back pocket. I’ve never held a gun before and will never hold one again. Hopefully, Knight or Cole knows how to get rid of it.

  I take my phone out of my pocket and stop the recording. I’ll keep the evidence, but I don’t think I will really need it.

  Knight comes out of the apartment a few minutes later. “Thank you,” he says.

  “For what?”

  “For forcing us to talk and saving my life.”

  His lips crash down on mine.

  “I love you, Knight.”

  “I love you, pretty girl. Let’s go back to Cole’s place.”

  I smile. “We can, but first, I need to tell you what happened that night. The whole story. Abri is on her way to healing. Now I need a chance to heal.”

  24

  Mila

  Five Years Ago

  * * *

  “You are grounded, and that’s final,” my father’s voice booms through the whole living room.

  My mom sits idly by on the couch, not bothering to give any input. I know she hates my boyfriend as well. But she won’t even bother to talk to me. She hates him and thinks I’m already a lost cause. Her efforts would be wasted, she thinks, so why bother?

  But my father, he’s too stubborn to ever give up. He wants to control me
. What color my hair is, what I eat, when I sleep, where I go to school, and what I do. Even who I date.

  “What am I grounded for? I didn’t do anything wrong?”

  “Your hair is the color of the sky, your clothes are ridiculous, and as I’ve already said, you aren’t going anywhere with that boy!”

  I glare at him. He’s stubborn, but so am I. I won’t give up so easily.

  “Fine, I’ll just stay locked away in my room forever.”

  I storm upstairs, not bothering to listen to anything else. I slam my door shut, and sit on my bed with my phone, prepared to text my boyfriend, Nasser, that I won’t be able to meet him.

  The wind gusts and the screen over my window shudders against the sill. I stare at it for only a second before I make up my mind. I’m leaving. I can’t stand to stay in this house another second. I’ll drink my frustration away tonight, and tomorrow I will make a plan to leave town for good. I can graduate from high school early, get a job, and then decide if I want to go to college. I don’t care if I have money. I’ll be free.

  I tiptoe over to the window. My room is on the second floor, but it overlooks the covered deck. I push the screen off and watch it blow away with the wind. I text Nasser.

  * * *

  Me: Meet me at the end of my block in five minutes.

  * * *

  And then I climb out, sliding onto the roof. My body glides to the edge. It’s not that far; I can make it.

  I let go, and my body falls to the grass below with a loud thud. I look back at the house, expecting someone to have heard me, but no one comes out.

  I start running down the street to meet Nasser even though my heart is begging me to stop. I don’t want to stop. I want to move faster. I want to escape the nightmare that is my home.

  If I were to return now, I would get my ass kicked. I would be grounded for real. I would know a whole new level of punishment.

  Nasser is the lesser of two evils. He may not be my ticket out of this town, but he is my ticket to freedom tonight.

  Nasser’s car is parked at the end of my block. I spot his Camry two houses away. This block isn’t the nicest in Aspen, but it’s nice. Too nice for his old Toyota.

  I climb in the passenger seat, and we drive off before I have a chance to say anything. Nasser doesn’t ask me any questions about my family, and I don’t offer up what happened.

  He plays his loud music and drives. That’s what I like about him; he gives me space. Doesn’t pressure me to be anything the way my family does. We’ve only been dating two weeks now, and I don’t see a future. But I like that I can be free when I’m with him.

  Nasser pulls into the driveway of the house he shares with his three other roommates. It’s a large house, but it hasn’t been updated since the fifties and could use some work. But I’m not here to critique the decorations.

  Nasser doesn’t open my door. He just turns the car off and gets out. I follow him at a leisurely pace. By the time I’m gone, he’s already disappeared into the basement.

  I head downstairs where the music is blasting. I find Nasser with his roommates and their friends drinking and passing around a joint.

  I walk over to the bar and grab a beer before joining them. When the joint hits my lips, I’m in heaven. Finally, I can let go.

  Hours go by as we listen to music, drink, and smoke our worries away. No one asks me to be anything but who I am. I don’t have to change my hair color or remove my tattoos or pretend I want to go to law school. I’m just me.

  I lean against Nasser’s chest as he strokes my hair.

  “Let’s go for a walk. I want to show you my favorite part of the house,” he whispers against my hair.

  I smile and nod as he takes my hand and leads me to the door of the basement. We haven’t had sex yet, and tonight won’t be that night. I’m too drunk to think properly. But I’m fine with some heavy making out and sleeping in his bed while he gropes me all night.

  He slides the glass door open, and we slip out into the night.

  “You look beautiful tonight.”

  I blush at his compliment. “Thank you.”

  He leads me to a gazebo. “Dance with me.”

  I giggle as he wraps me in his arms and we dance to a silent melody. My head starts spinning from the movement, and if I’m not careful, all the alcohol I’ve drunk will come back up.

  “I need to sit down,” I mutter.

  “How about lie down?”

  “What?”

  Before I can respond, Nasser is lying me down on the couch in the gazebo. Yes, I need to lie down. My head already feels better.

  But then Nasser is on top of me, kissing me harshly.

  “Slow…down,” I mutter between kisses.

  He doesn’t slow down. Instead, his hands slide up beneath my skirt.

  “No, I too drunk.”

  “Shh, you won’t remember this.”

  He pulls my panties down before I can stop him. My body tries to push him off, but the alcohol and drugs make it feel like I’m fighting in a fog. I can move, but slowly. I can think, but only one step at a time.

  “No,” I say again as his fingers slip inside me.

  “You want me.”

  I try to say no again, but my words don’t leave my mouth. I’m paralyzed now as I hear him undoing his zipper. He’s going to rape me.

  You deserve it, my dad’s voice says in my head.

  You were asking for it, my mom says.

  If you would have just listened to us, Ren says.

  If you dressed in jeans instead of a short skirt, Henry says.

  No.

  No.

  NO.

  The word never leaves my mouth again. I feel his slimy cock against my entrance. I don’t want this. I need him to stop.

  But I’m frozen. I can’t move.

  You’re a fighter, a new voice says. You can fight this.

  I can fight him. I won’t let him win.

  His lips come down hard on me, and I bite as hard as I can.

  “Fucking Christ,” he cries out as blood spills from his mouth.

  I push him off of me with everything I have, and then I run toward his house.

  Suddenly, I’ve never been so sober as I run. My skirt is ripped, my panties gone, but nothing will stop me.

  I run up the steps to the deck leading into the kitchen. The doors to the walkout basement are closer, but I don’t trust his friends.

  I get the back door open, and I slip into the house, but I’m not safe. I need to be safe.

  His car keys lay on the stand by the door. I grab them and run out into the night again, as much as it scares me to be out in the dark. I don’t pause to see if he’s following me. I run straight to his car, jump in, and start it all in one movement.

  Then I’m backing out of the driveway. I just need to drive a few blocks away, then I can call for help. Then, I will be safe.

  I’ve been drinking; I should stop. But when I reach into my pocket, I realize I don’t have my phone. I can’t stop. I need to find someplace safe. I need to find a police station.

  So I keep driving. My heart beats erratically, and my foot hits the gas harder.

  I close my eyes to keep the tears back, and when I open them, I see lights coming straight at me. I try to swerve, but it’s too late. The light hits the car, and I’m jolted back into the cold night.

  Pain. My entire body aches as I shiver in the cold. I feel lights on me and hear sirens in the background, but I don’t know what’s happening. And then I see her. My mother is lying on the cold concrete next to me.

  “Mom?”

  She doesn’t respond.

  I sit up, but the second I do, the world spins out of control around me. I blink, but the world doesn’t stop spinning.

  I see another car. My parents’ car with the front smashed in. My father sits in the driver’s seat with blood pouring down his face.

  What did I do?

  I close my eyes and open them again. When I take in my surroundin
gs again, I’m in the back of an ambulance. How did that happen?

  “She’s conscious again,” a man over me says.

  “Where does it hurt?” he asks.

  “Everywhere.”

  “Do you remember what happened?”

  The images of Nasser trying to force himself on me flash through my head. But I can’t make the words leave my mouth.

  “Driving drunk,” comes out instead.

  The man nods.

  And I can’t keep my eyes open anymore. I have to close them.

  When I open them again, I’m in a room. It’s white and cold. A woman is standing over me.

  “Try to rest. You have a lot of injuries.”

  “My parents?”

  “They are in surgery. We will update you with their condition soon.”

  My parents are in surgery because of me. Because I drove drunk.

  It was to escape, the voice says.

  What if I hadn’t escaped? What if I had let him rape me? Then my parents wouldn’t be dying in a surgery room.

  I close my eyes again, and the guilt comes, but I don’t see images of my parents’ lifeless bodies. Instead, I see the look in Nasser’s eyes. The aggression as he takes what he wants from me.

  I escaped, and because of that, my parents might die.

  I open my eyes to escape the nightmare.

  “You’re awake. Your parents are still in surgery. But your siblings are here. They will want to see you. I’ll go get them,” Nicole, according to her name tag visible on her chest.

  The tattooed older boy at the end of my hospital bed insists on marrying Abri to my total dismay.

  I spot Abri coming around the corner. He can’t marry her. She’ll destroy him. She’s only looking for a rich man. She will take all of his money in a divorce, or kill him if his life insurance policy is worth enough. She will do anything to survive. Those were the words she spoke.

  Anything to survive.

  I understand now. After what Nasser did, I will do anything to take away the pain I feel.

  I won’t let Knight feel a similar pain.

  I yank on his hand until he falls forward toward my bed and then I kiss him. As soon as our lips touch, I’m lost. I don’t know if it’s the drugs I’m on or him, but I’ve never felt so desperate. I want him. His lips are soft and perfect. And when I push my tongue into his mouth, he moans softly before he realizes what’s happening.