Swagger (Radioactive Tales of Love)

by Nikki Prince

  A past I will have to dredge up now, because he knows Macy is dead. I can’t drop a bombshell like that and expect him to not want to know the details. I don’t know why I told him. Her death is something I always kept close to my heart. So, while I’m sitting there with him and everything comes flooding back to me—I’m transfixed on the past...

  I can’t move. I’m staring at my older sister’s lifeless body in our porcelain tub. Macy’s lips are blue, her eyes open and unseeing. The tub is a sea of red. My mother comes into the bathroom and is screaming bloody murder. Macy had cut her wrists and bled out in the middle of the night. It’s utter chaos in the bathroom now with mom wailing. She’s screaming, “It wasn’t supposed to be this way and that if anyone should be gone it should be me!”

  I can’t stop my mother from jumping into the tub. Water is running out and dripping everywhere. My mom pushes past me so fast that I almost fall on my ass, trying to get out of the way.

  Magdalene Waters put all her love into her first child. She never had time for her second daughter. I was the oops child…The unwanted. My mother delighted in telling me how Macy had been my father’s shining star and how I’d been the nail in the coffin. I’ve always been blamed for why my father left.

  The reason for him leaving couldn’t have been the constant nagging from my mother or the need to get away from where my sister had ended her young life. No. It’d been because I was born that my mother said he left. He hadn’t wanted me. My father just couldn’t deal with what happened. The way he could cope was to walk out of our lives and never look back.

  There were so many times I wanted to say to her…Really? My father adored me. Or—so he said. I felt bitter against him for leaving just as much as I was with her for her staying. The only legacy left to me was the motel, so instead of those other dreams, I tried to make the best of the motel.

  I finally meet Cruz’s gaze and the ghosts behind my eyes that haunt me must be apparent, because he takes a deep breath and starts to speak. I shake my head alerting him that I’m not ready. Who am I fooling? I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to talk about her death to anyone.

  The sad thing is—I’m sitting here with him and trying to eat as slow as possible, simply because I don’t want to talk about her. I guess I can tell him that. It’s not like he can make me. Sighing, I pick up my drink again and gulp. My mouth is so parched. It’s my nerves kicking in. Macy was such a big part of my life. I’ve never shared with anyone else, the impact her death had on me. Was I really going to share it with Cruz?

  ***

  Roxie stares at me as if I had two heads.

  When she mentions her sister dying, I know it had to hurt her. I start to think perhaps I was pushing too fast and expecting too much of her. I needed to say something. Instead of staring at her with my mouth open like a dead fish. “I’m sorry Rox. I know how much Macy meant to you.” Truly, an understatement, but it didn’t make it any less true.

  There were tears shimmering in her eyes and yet, I could tell she was refusing to let them fall. I can’t say I blame her. Sometimes, with things that are private you don’t necessarily want them shining out into the light of day. You wanted to keep them hidden, near and dear to your heart.

  “Thanks.” Roxie said softly.

  So softly, I almost didn’t hear her.

  She dips her head and plays with the fries on her plate. The look on her face is one of extreme sadness.

  This would be my signal that it was time to get out of the diner and take her where she could clear her head. I raise my hand to get the waitress’ attention for the bill.

  Tara came over quickly with a smile on her face. She didn’t seem to notice that the atmosphere around the table seems a little somber. She had the bill with her.

  I glance at it, giving her the cash with a generous tip. Standing, I waited for Roxie to get up and when she does, I take her hand in mine and lead her quickly from the diner. She doesn’t flinch away from my touch, so I continue to hold her hand till we’re at the car. I want to do more than hold her hand, but this will have to do.

  ***

  He’s holding my hand and I haven’t taken it away from him. I like how it feels. It’s like he’s protecting me. It also feels like he’s telling me I don’t have to talk about anything I don’t want to. Settled in the car, I put my head back against the seat and close my eyes, trying to battle headache that’s forming.

  “Are you okay?”

  I heard the concern in his voice. “Not really, but I will be.” I don’t open my eyes. I know if I stop focusing on what happened to Macy, I’ll get rid of the headache.

  “I didn’t mean to bring up any bad memories.”

  I turned to gaze at him.

  He really looks worried.

  “Cruz, it’s okay really. You didn’t know. What I’m going to ask you is to please let me talk about it on my own time. I can’t do it right now.”

  He hadn’t started the car yet, and he turns towards me to cup my cheek with his hand.

  Electric—is all I can say about his touch on my skin. How is it that my body responds to him as if he’d never left?

  Cruz gazes into my eyes and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he can see the need there. He smiles, showing his even white teeth and leans in part way his lips inches from mine. He doesn’t budge, so I meet him half way. He touches his lips to mine, soft and feathery light. Pleasant and soothing. He isn’t trying to slake a deep lust on me right now. Which isn’t really what I need in this moment and he discerns that. I need this light touch, this caress which shows he understands how I feel.

  Our lips part, I sigh and settle back in the seat.

  “Now, let’s get to the Boardwalk.”

  “Yes, lets.” I buckle myself in and relax in the fact that he knows what I need and is willing to do it.

  As he pulls out, I yawn. I didn’t recognize how tired I felt.

  Cruz must have heard me because he turns to me. “We have an hour ride; so if you want, you can rest your eyes and lean on me.”

  “Thanks, it’s been a long day actually.” The emotions had gotten the best of me tonight. It would be nice to be able to rest for just a minute. The car seems small enough for a cozy, relaxing closeness. I nod my head and lay against his shoulder, closing my eyes.

  He makes me feel like everything will be all right, even when it seems like it won’t be. The uneasiness of having to share went away and I was rocked to sleep by the classical music he had playing.

  Chapter 6

  Roxie

  Nothing like a catnap to bring back focus and make one feel refreshed. That’s how I feel right now—refreshed. I let out a small yawn as I bring my head back up from his shoulder and realize that we’re already parked at the Boardwalk. Turning my head, I look to Cruz.

  He’s staring back at me with a small smile. “How’d you sleep?”

  “Great, how long have we been here? We’re already parked.”

  “Not that long, but I let you sleep a little bit more. You seemed so tired and I didn’t want to wake you too early.”

  “Yeah, I got up really early this morning I wanted to make sure everything was taken care of at home before heading in to work.”

  “And did you manage to finish everything you wanted to?”

  “For the most part, yes I got everything I wanted and needed to get done, done.” I didn’t mention to him how part of that was taking care of my mother. I lived with her still, though mom really lived with me. Yes, it is her house, but I manage her care, because she can’t fend for herself anymore.

  Tonight just happened to be a night where mom had the live in nurse with her while I was working. I’d been selfish when he asked if I wanted to go for coffee. I did want to come out, see him and get to talk with him but the other part of me was running away from what waited at home. When the nurse was there, I would have a reprieve but usually, when I came home I took over, so the nurse could get what she needed done.

  Cruz got out of
the car, and did the gentlemanly thing once again, by opening my door and helping me out. He held his hand out to me.

  I didn’t hesitate to take it. Though, we were by the ocean it wasn’t as cold as it could have been but I was thankful my black slacks and summer sweater kept me warm.

  There were still people roaming around it was still early evening and the sky still looks pretty bright from the last of the sun’s rays..

  Cruz squeezes my hand and we began the short walk from asphalt to board planks. “How about we walk out to the end of the pier and see if the sea lions are there?” he asked me.

  He still held on to my hand and I didn’t mind. “Sounds like fun, though you do know they’re loud and we may not get a word in edgewise.”

  “Yeah, I just want to see if they’re there. I loved doing that as a kid. Watching them come in and play around, and then head back out to sea.”

  I nodded and we both headed towards the area the sea lions frequented. More than likely, they’d be gone but if they weren’t, he’d get to see them again. I was hoping they’d be there just so I could see his reaction. This male who had to be tough I was sure and for so many reasons that shouldn’t ever be.

  Cruz pulls me close to his side and I don’t protest. It feels way too good to fuss about. This was where we were headed if he hadn’t gone away. It’s really amazing how we just become so in sync with each other as we walk and our gaits match. I don’t feel awkward with him like I have with some other guys. I don’t want to want him like this, but it really is too late.

  Once again, he squeezes my hand.

  I look up at him and he smiles. Damn the boy was fine! His looks had never been the problem. I squeeze back and we continue walking. The closer we get, we can hear the barking of the sea lions and he speeds up until we’re standing there, peering down at them as they sit on the rocks. There has to be at least twenty of them of various sizes and ages. They’re so beautiful and strange looking at the same time, almost alien like.

  I love the look on his face. I mean it wasn’t like he was watching a football thing—a manly thing. But it is truly fantastic to see the smile on his face. “What are you thinking?” I had to ask him, I need to know.

  “I’m just remembering the first time I came here as a kid. My mom brought me here and we would count them together. I was about 5 years old then.”

  His voice carries a wistful tone and I could see it was a pivotal moment for him. I just held his hand, if he wanted to talk about it, he would. It seemed like the sea lions could feel the need he had for the perfect moment because they weren’t crazy loud like the usually were. I didn’t have to wait long.

  “Everything went crazy after the separation. My dad found out that she’d cheated on him with his best friend. I guess she wanted to start over because she didn’t take me or my younger brother with her. Though, why the fuck she’d start over with a family friend is beyond me. I also can’t understand why she didn’t take her kids with her. What kind of mother does that?” Cruz never turned his eyes to me while he spoke about his mom. He continued to look at the sea lions as if they might magically produce her. “Dad blamed us of course and shit just seriously went downhill then. I took my beatings along with the beatings meant for my brother.

  I held his hand tight and I couldn’t stay silent a moment longer. “Cruz, you should have told someone. I mean I knew but I always wanted to keep your secrets. Perhaps that was wrong of me and I shouldn’t have.

  “Honestly, I knew you had problems at home yourself. It was enough that I could talk to you about it. I didn’t want to let anyone else know. I was embarrassed.”

  “Yes, I know which is why I didn’t say anything, though now I wish I had. That was the one thing we bonded over.” I gave a half laugh that trailed off into the sounds of the sea lions, who’d decided in that moment to make noise.

  He moved and tugged me forward. “Come on, let’s walk to the other end of this place and sit in the sand. It’s beautiful and the stars are coming out.”

  I knew this was his way of trying to make it a little less cloying with the subject we were talking about. I nod and move with him. We walked in silence and I thought about all the times we snuck away for kisses and collaboration on how we would run away together—how we would make our parents realize they were hurting us.

  It’s almost comical how innocent we’d been. Love would always conquer all. We were fourteen and thought we knew it all. I exhale and he tugs me close to his side again, wrapping his arm around my shoulder as we walked. The Boardwalk still looked brightly lit with others walking about, but all of that didn’t matter, except for the man holding me. It only takes us a few minutes to get to the far end, where no one else is.

  Cruz spins me forward into his arms and I gasp as his mouth covers mine. I put my hands on his chest, but not to push him away. This is what I’ve dreamed about for a long time. One of the reasons I compared my last boyfriends to Cruz. When he kisses you—he kisses you with his whole being and it’s almost as if you reach a zenith you don’t want to come down from. It isn’t the sweet peck from earlier. No…This one is hot, needy and makes me wet between my thighs.

  He gives a soft groan and breaks the kiss, pressing his forehead to mine.

  I can hear him panting softly. My lips feel bruised but it isn’t unpleasant. I touch them gently, reverently.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “For what, Cruz?” I pull back, staring into his beautiful sea green eyes. His eyes were courtesy of his Spanish heritage and I always felt hypnotized by them as if I were drowning in them…Drowning in him.

  Cruz rubbed his fingers over my frown. “I’m sorry for just kissing you like that without warning and without asking if I could.”

  “You kissed me like that earlier. Well not exactly like that.” I laugh. “Don’t apologize I liked it and it was bound to happen.”

  “Bound to happen, eh?” A small smirk shows on his flawless lips.

  I nod. “Uh huh, bound to happen because you and I have been doing this dance for years and it basically went on hiatus when you left.”

  He chuckles, and leans against the railing, pulling me forward and between his legs. “All I thought about when I was gone—was you.”

  I open my mouth as if to speak and then close it again. What does one say to that? I mean he’s practically telling me that all he thought of for the last nine years was me!

  I must have looked like a fish out of water, but Cruz seems patient with me. He waited with me, still there between his legs and his hands loosely at my waist.

  “That’s a long time to think about someone, especially someone from your past.”

  “You weren’t just my past Roxie. Back then, it was like you were the only future that I could ever believe was mine to have.”

  Blink.

  My god, did he just really say that?

  Once again, his fingers were on my forehead and he was smoothing it out gently with his fingertips. “I keep making you frown and it seems I’ve made you go mute a second time around.”

  “I just find it a bit humbling that you would feel this way. It’s probably just a phase.”

  “Phases like you’re talking about are something you go through as a kid. We aren’t kids anymore.”

  “But we were kids the last time you saw me. We were sixteen year olds, who thought we were in love.”

  “Who’s to say we weren’t?” Cruz reaches up and brushes my hair behind my ear.

  Even though I seem to be I protesting, I keep giving him a lot of leeway to touch me. The real reason for it is like he said, but admitting it seems even harder. “Who’s to say we were?” I ask.

  Chapter 7

  Cruz

  Boy, this girl loves to argue. It makes me smile. I love the fire in her and wouldn’t expect anything less. I have her where I wanted her. I was holding her and I could even smell her perfume. Damn. She was so sexy. I wasn’t going to make any fast moves though. That would be a mistake with Roxanne. Oh, my
sweet Roxie, Roxie, Roxie. I shrug and answer, “I say we were.”

  Roxie laughs, it is melodic and sensual—all things I love about her. “So, because you say we were it’s a fact?”

  “Tell me that you didn’t feel the same. I know most adults will say kids don’t know what love is or what they want. We lived lives that made us grow up quickly. I loved you and you loved me.”

  “It was a long time ago…” She cast her eyes down.

  I don’t know what she’s looking at, but I put my finger under her chin and lift gently, so we’re eye to eye again. I stroke my finger lightly under her chin. “Not so long ago that we can’t remember.”

  “It’s been long enough, Cruz. There’s so much that’s happened to the both of us, we were silly back then.” Roxie places her hands on my chest.

  I’m wondering if she’s going to push me away. She doesn’t and her palms heat my skin through my shirt. I breathe deep to calm myself, so that I’m not going for the gusto. She deserves better than that and hell, I wanted more than just a quick fuck. I just enjoy her touch. “We weren’t silly. We knew what we wanted, it just got cut short.”

  Roxie huffs, “You’re so damn stubborn.”

  “That’s what they tell me.” I flash a smile.

  She giggles.

  The beauty of her laugh is trilling through me, setting me on edge in a good way.

  Her smile turns into a grand grin that takes over her whole face.

  “There’s my smile.”

  Roxie nibbles on her bottom lip as she has a penchant to do and my cock hardens. Shit. This is going to be harder than I thought, literally and figuratively. If she presses any closer, she would know my secret. I have the proverbial devil and angel on each shoulder and I’m truly battling with what I want to do. Taking a deep breath, I calm myself.