Swagger (Radioactive Tales of Love)

by Nikki Prince

  If that isn’t a threat I don’t know what is.

  He strolls back to his vehicle and got in, giving a flash of his lights as he pulls away and heads out.

  Just my luck. Seriously, what were the odds that an officer who’d impacted my life when I was a kid would show up here?

  “He just threatened you, Cruz.”

  “He did,” I acknowledge. “Come on, let’s go. You need to eat.”

  Chapter 14

  Roxie

  That piece of a shit Benson just threatened Cruz. I sat silently fuming as we drove towards Anchos. I hadn’t wanted to let his hand go, but I let it go as we got in the car. I want to hold on tight and tell him he’d be okay. Tell him how the past is just the past. I couldn’t believe such a person still existed in this day and age. Though, the grownup part of me understood how racism unfortunately existed and probably always would—I still didn’t like it. Benson is one of those people who hid in plain sight and is probably always getting away with it.

  I didn’t feel hungry anymore. Where only moments before, my stomach was growling in hunger—now it was churning from worry and anger, over what just happened to Cruz. It’s one of those things you know exists, but you hope to never see in your lifetime and you wished would just go away. No such luck, racism still existed. I exhale, having held my breath through most of what just transpired, not wanting to breathe the same air as that bastard. I took a deep breath, crisp night air fills my lungs, coming through the car window, and it feels cleansing.

  Cruz links his hand with mine and just held on to me.

  This is what I’ve been wanting, so I didn’t mind it at all. It must be hard on him, seeing the officer who took him to juvenile detention. I wanted to comfort him any way I could. I move closer to him and lean on him, like I did that first night when we went to the Boardwalk. I close my eyes. I don’t want to force him to talk unless he felt ready.

  He just drove and the silence in the car seemed almost stifling.

  I kept wondering what was going through his head. He’d just opened up like a floodgate and the night seemed to be going so well, and then he was hit in the face by his past.

  “That’s the one person I hoped to never come into contact with again…”

  I’d almost fallen to sleep when he spoke. I keep my eyes closed and listen to him.

  Cruz is rubbing his thumb over my fingers as if he wants to soothe me.

  It seems ironic because I was thinking, I should be the one comforting him after coming face to face with that ass. “He was harassing you. Why don’t we go to the police station and say something?” I urge.

  “No, it’s not necessary. I’m not going to give him any more power over me,” Cruz says this calmly.

  I could hear the weariness in his voice. “That’s a good thing. You’re nothing like what he said.”

  His eyes seem to flicker with hope, but just briefly.

  I want to tell him I mean everything I’ve said to him. He wasn’t like that at all. I didn’t have to be with him for years to appreciate him.

  “Thank you,” he replies.

  I understood instantly how he’s pulling away. Even if for only a little while, he seems to be pulling away from me and becoming that hermit again.

  “You know what Roxie? It’s been a long night. It’s nothing to do with you but everything to do with pouring my soul out to you—and then having to deal with dickhead. I’m so tired. Can we postpone going to eat? I’ll owe you cheesecake from Farleys and dinner at Anchos.”

  “I understand totally, I was just thinking the same thing. Let’s go ahead and postpone. Just take me back to my car, so I can get home.” I really did want to go out to eat and spend as much time with him as I could, but I get how hard it might be for him right now.

  He pulls in to the motel parking lot, right next to my car.

  I get out and feel surprised that he gets out as well, and stood there looking at me. The glint from his dog tags catches my eye and I step up to him, taking one of the tags in my hand, examining it.

  Cruz didn’t say anything, he just stands there

  I could feel the tension rolling off him in waves. “I have one question before you go.” I really had several but I didn’t want to push him.

  “What question would that be?” He arches one of his dark eyebrows at me.

  “Are these real?” I finger the tags, though I keep eye contact with him.

  “They’re very real.” A muscle in his jaw ticks as he answers.

  I figure I could jam in one more question. He’ll let me know if he didn’t want to answer it, I feel sure of that. “So, you didn’t go to prison like most of us thought?” I keep holding onto the tags as if they were my lifeline to him.

  “That’s more than one question. Since I like you though, I’ll give you that as a freebie,” he gives me a little smirk.

  I give him a fake pout. I want to take him in my arms and never let him go.

  “Yes, they’re real, and right…I didn’t go to prison like everyone here assumed.” He kisses my false pucker, then places his hand on my lower back and leads me to my car.

  I got in and he waves me off and turns back to the motel. I watch him disappear up the stairs.

  The man is an enigma. So…he’d gone into the military. I wonder what kinds of things he’d seen. I mean he couldn’t have just had some desk job or he would talk about it freely, I’m sure. With what was going on in the world with our military, I felt sure he’d seen action.

  I grip the steering wheel tight and grimace, as my hands start to ache. He let me into his life and now it would be time to let him in on mine. I didn’t want to tell him all the painful stuff, but the next time I saw him, I intended to let him in on what happened with Macy. It would be a start at least. I did wonder if it was a good idea for us to even think about creating a bond. We were both so broken. I feel scared to think that maybe we were both so bad off, we couldn’t be fixed.

  I sat in the parking lot to collect my thoughts. This wouldn’t be easy. The more I thought about it, the more I knew for sure—I didn’t want easy. I wanted Cruz and I would work my hardest to get him. Officer Benson is a total jackoff…Cruz is nothing like he tried to insinuate.

  I stare hard at the motel, willing Cruz to step out on his balcony; I could see his room from where I parked. I squint at the window for a minute, and think maybe a shaft of light could be seen. I must be a little crazy…‘cause yeah, no such luck…time to go home. I need to rest and at this point, tomorrow definitely might be another hard day.

  A good thing for me that I didn’t live far from the motel. Least not far by driving, walking it would be a bit too far, but in a car it took nothing to get here. I pull out of the parking space, give one last look at Cruz’s balcony, and then head home.

  ***

  I stood behind the drapes, peering down into the parking lot. Roxie was still there. If I stepped out, I knew she would be able to see me. I feel dirty right now—ashamed of my past, but only because some people refused to let it go. I shouldn’t be. I know that.

  My stomach still seems queasy and I keep fighting the urge to throw up. My thoughts were more than a little chaotic. I could see the dead bodies behind my eyelids if I closed them, so going to sleep wasn’t even an option. I could see my mother walking out for the last time and my brother getting raped.

  Clenching my hands, I leave the window and sit down hard on the bed. I turn on the TV, hoping some inane show will block out all the noise in my mind. The throbbing in my head only increases, so I turn it off, dropping the remote back to the bed.

  I swallow the acid filing my throat.

  I start chanting her name as always, while I get on the floor and start exercising. “One Roxie, Two Roxie, Three Roxie…”

  It would probably be a very long night for me. I intended to use the coffee pot in the room to make me some strong black coffee, so I can forget one sexy chica named Roxanne Waters.

  Chapter 15

  Cruz


  Roxie was nowhere to be seen for the last five days. I wonder if I scared her off. I’d come down to the desk a few times throughout the day to see if she was there, but she wasn’t. The staff would turn me away, saying she wasn’t in for the day. Could it be that she’s avoiding me? I tried to ignore the little voice in my head that said she’d be running, if she really figured me out.

  I came down again, it’s now lunch time and this time I wasn’t going to take a lame excuse for an answer. It was Saturday already, and I need to get some answers. I stood at the desk and hit the little bell. The sound from something so little seems abrasive. I could see why it would bring someone to the front desk quickly. I hit it one more time for good measure and had to stop the laugh from slipping past my lips.

  “Yes?” It was the woman who’d relieved Roxie behind the desk again.

  I hadn’t talked to her, so perhaps I would be able to convince her to tell me what was up. I glance at her nametag quickly. “Hi Candy. I’m looking for my friend, Roxanne Waters. Her family owns this place. I haven’t seen her in a few days, can you tell me what’s happened to her?”

  “I’m aware of who you are. I’m sorry I didn’t get this message to you sooner, but Roxie needed to stay home for the last few days. She wanted me to tell you, that when she could, she’d come and see you.”

  My mind was racing. What could possibly be wrong with Roxie that she’d miss work? “She sent that message today?”

  “No, actually she gave it to me the other day. I got swamped and was supposed to send the message to your room.”

  Something else must be wrong. I decided to go to her house and find out what it was. “Thank you Candy.” I say this as I’m turning to go back up to my room.

  “Hey, Mr. 360?”

  My room number.

  I frown and turn gradually towards Candy.

  “You have her address?” she asks with a full show of teeth grin.

  “Same house right? The one that’s on Eucalyptus at the corner?” I ask only because she could’ve relocated.

  “The very same one and I didn’t tell you where she was.” Candy gave me a wink.

  I give her a smile. “You didn’t tell me. I thought of this myself and I’m heading that way now. Thank you.” I head out of the motel. I know where she is, I don’t need anything in my room. I’m going to go to her and see what’s up. I’d needed the first night to clear my head and now I don’t need any more time away from her. During the entire drive over there, I’m thinking she should just turn me away or that I should just give up and not pursue this—her. She brings so much life to my world that giving her up seems sacrilegious. I’m determined to do this. If she makes me leave, then I’ll know I don’t belong in her world. If she asks me to stay, then this journey will be one for the both of us to make.

  I pull up to the house and park behind her car which is on the street. It’s the same really, a little yellow house, right on the corner with a white picket fence. In the driveway is another car I don’t recognize. Crazy thoughts pop into my head. Maybe she has a boyfriend and that’s why she didn’t want me here. It would explain not bothering to give me the message herself. I get to the door but at this point, I talked myself out of knocking and as I turn to head back to the car, I hear the door open.

  “Can I help you?” A soft voice asks.

  I pivot around. It’s an older black woman. I’ve never seen before with her hair in a bun and she’s wearing nursing scrubs. I swallow hard. Did something happen to Roxie? “Yes…I hope so. Is Roxie—available?” A lump still sat, lodged in my throat and I stumble over my words.

  “Oh yes, Roxanne is here. Let me go and get her. Who can I say is here?”

  I breathe a sigh of relief. Roxie is okay. “Cruz Montoya.”

  The woman pauses for a moment, then nods and waves me inside.

  I follow her and stand just inside the door.

  “Wait right here. I’ll go get Roxanne.”

  I watch the older woman shuffle off down the hallway, towards what I assume were the bedrooms. When we’d been kids, I’d known where she lived, even came to her window a time or two, but I’d never been inside. Until now. There were old photos lining the walls, but I didn’t see any with Roxanne in them. Frowning, I had to wonder why. It was the oddest thing. Macy seems to be in all the pictures.

  I hear the sound of raised voices through the walls, but I can’t quite make out what they’re saying.

  A door opens and Roxie is coming towards me with a frown marring her beautiful face. “What are you doing here, Cruz?”

  What? “Um, I’m here because I wanted to see you Roxie. The last time I saw you, we’d talked about going on another date.”

  “I know and I’m sorry. Life has been well—life and I’ve been so busy.”

  She’s not quite meeting my eyes. This worries me. “Roxie, has something happened? Have you had second thoughts about going out with me?”

  A door opens and Roxie looks over her shoulder, I could see the other woman and she waves her hand toward the front door.

  “Come on outside please, Cruz.”

  I follow her out and we stand on the porch. “What’s going on Roxanne? A few days ago, you couldn’t wait to go to dinner with me. What’s happened in this brief time that has you changing your mind?”

  She appears crestfallen and she shakes her head profusely. “No—not at all Cruz. I enjoyed myself with you. I just had some shit hit the fan here and I’ve been trying to deal with it.”

  “Shit like what Roxie?” I needed to know if she’s really pushing me away or if something else is wrong.

  “Please Cruz—just give me time.”

  Time. It was becoming a word I hated. “Time for what? How long Roxie?”

  “Cruz please—I don’t know.” Tears spark in her eyes.

  Right then, I knew it was more than just needing time. I reach up and cup her cheek. “Roxie, talk to me baby. Tell me what’s wrong.”

  Roxie took in a deep shuddering breath and several tears fell. “Cruz, my mother isn’t doing so well. She’s also been on me about seeing you. Someone must have seen something at the motel and told her. Someone who still talks to her and tells her what’s going on with me.”

  “Why would you and I be news?” I was puzzled.

  “For years, people have discussed you and your family Cruz. My mother thinks that my seeing you will be bad for business. My father’s business.”

  Chapter 16

  Roxie

  He stood there glaring at me as if I had two heads and it hurt. It hurt because I was basically pushing him away. I didn’t want him to become involved with me and my toxic relationship with my mother.

  “Pardon me, but how in the hell would I mess up your father’s motel?”

  I hear the anger in his voice and dig my nails into my palm. I thought I would have more time before I had to talk to him. “There is a lot about my mother that doesn’t make sense Cruz.”

  “Let me take you somewhere, so we can talk. Really talk.”

  “Cruz—” I start to say something more but I can’t.

  He looks upset.

  I don’t blame him. I did this the chicken shit way.

  “Roxie please, just an hour. If you don’t want to see me after that, then I’ll go on my way.”

  I give the house a fleeting look, and then turn to him nodding. “Let’s go. We can take a walk.”

  It was a nice afternoon not too hot, not too cold. A small breeze kept it from getting too hot. Walking down the driveway with him, we head down the street. People are out, mowing lawns and doing various things that people do on a Saturday. I start talking before he can. “My mother is sick Cruz. It’s the reason I didn’t want you here. She’s the reason why I wanted to put a stop to us.”

  He doesn’t say much of anything. He keeps walking with his hand in his jeans. It seems like such a beautiful night, I could almost act as if I wasn’t ripping out my own heart.

  “I understand that your mothe
r is important, but you’re a grown woman, Roxie.”

  “Yes, a grown woman who takes care of her mother.” I close up.

  We stroll a little farther down the street, the he stops and turns to me. “Okay, there is something or some things you’re not telling me.”

  Cruz is right. I don’t want to tell him about my mom and all of her craziness. I huff and stop walking to lean on a large tree.

  He faces me and I know he deserves the truth of it all. “The sharing of my baggage hasn’t happened. So, I guess it is my turn to spill as it were.” I bite my bottom lip as I collect my thoughts. God I didn’t want to have him hear this. “My mom has always wished that I was the one who’d died.” I can’t stop the trembling, I hear it in my voice but I push on. I can’t stand still anymore, so I begin to walk. We’ve walked two blocks and are almost out of my neighborhood and near some of small businesses on the frontage road. It really feels cathartic to walk and chat to him.

  “She couldn’t have told you that. Maybe you misunderstood her?” I could hear the shock in his voice.

  “She did and she has from the day Macy died. As for this all being a misunderstanding—I wish.”

  “I don’t understand how she could do that.” He took both of my hands in his and stops our walk in front of a small hotel.

  “I don’t really get why she did it either and why she continues to do it. It is what it is.” I always thought long and hard on it. There truly is no rhyme or reason to what my sister’s death had triggered in my mom, nor did it make any sense to blame me for what happened between her and my father. I’d resigned myself to never having a mom. My mother made her choice long ago about her dead daughter and her lifeless relationship with my father. Nothing could sway her from that path—believe me I’ve tried.

  The tears came harder and faster and soon, I was sobbing and holding my hand to my mouth to try and stem back some of the noise. The street looked busy and people were starting to look. I stood on the street bawling like a baby.