Love You Anyways

by Mj Fields

  “My pain is no less than yours Lucas.”

  “Well again I’m sorry, for the hundredth time I’m fucking sorry. Now it’s your turn to say the same because I have never heard those words from you. Not once.”

  “I’m sorry damn it, but you started this.”

  “Fine, so we’re right back full circle, it’s all my fault. I’m tired and we have a long day tomorrow.”

  “His funeral?” She wiped her eyes. “Why does it feel like mine?”

  “This isn’t about us. This is about our friend dying, our daughter’s best friend; who went through hell and was beat and fuck Ash, you don’t even know what happened to Harper.”

  “Is she okay now?”

  “As good as she could be.”

  I sat on the bed and rubbed my head. “You need to be strong for Ava.”

  “Ava’s a strong girl.”

  “Ava woke up screaming in her sleep two nights in a row. She is not okay.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me that?”

  “Why weren’t you here?” I looked at her as the blood began to boil again. “Never mind. I don’t want to know. I’m going to sleep.”

  She laid in bed and I could hear her crying, feel the bed shake. I was having a hard time listening to her. I was pissed but she said she was sorry.

  I reached over and rubbed her head, “We’ll figure it all out for the kids.”

  Her body quivered as she inhaled a breath. I reached over and rolled her on her back. I took her hand and held it.

  “I’m gonna miss you.”

  I felt like a hundred pound weight crashed down on my chest.

  “We have kids together. We’ll always be there for them.”

  “I haven’t though Lucas, I haven’t.” She began to sob again and I rolled over and held her.

  “You took a time out Ash. We all need one once in a while. Now it’s time to get back in the game. Team Links. For them, forever.”

  She rolled to her side and scooted back against me. She took my hand and held it between the pillow and her head, just like she always had.

  “I do love you Lucas.”

  I couldn’t respond in words. The last time I heard her say those three words was to the man she was choosing over her kids, and over me. I kissed the back of her head instead.

  I fell asleep faster tonight. I’m not sure if it was because I was emotionally trashed or if it was because I held my wife.

  Ava had another nightmare and I ran in and held her as she sobbed. This time Ashley was there too. We both talked to her, kissed her, took turns rubbing her back. We didn’t wake her, we talked her through it. I learned how to do that a long time ago.

  Logan came in and asked what was wrong and I quietly explained. He sat in the chaise in Ava’s bay window and grabbed a blanket and covered himself.

  We all ended up falling asleep in Ava’s room.

  ~

  I woke sitting against her headboard. With Ashley against my chest and Ava on the other side of me holding my hand, I looked up and Logan was wide awake looking at us. I smiled and winked at him. I mouthed ‘Gym?’ He nodded and I nodded back.

  Ava stayed asleep but Ash woke when I was trying to climb out of bed.

  “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be. Logan and I are going to the gym. You got her?”

  “Yes,” she gave me a sad smile. “Thank you.”

  In an awkward attempt to kiss her head as I was climbing over her I kissed her lips.

  I looked into her hopeful eyes and closed mine, gave her a quick peck and then got the hell out of the room. Logan was watching from across the hall.

  I grabbed my workout clothes and he did the same. We met in the garage and I looked at him and smiled. “Ready?”

  He nodded and got in the SUV.

  It was quiet for a moment as we drove.

  “Dad?”

  “Yeah?”

  “What the fuck is going on with you and Mom?”

  “Logan, mouth.”

  “Fine but answer the question would ya?”

  “The only explanation I have is women are crazy Logan.”

  He chuckled. “She said the same when I asked her.”

  “Good then she admits it?”

  “The opposite. She said men are crazy.”

  “Of course she would.”

  He was quiet for a while longer.

  “Is she sick Dad? I mean she’s tired, moody, and cries all the time.”

  “Your mother is not sick. Like I said, women are crazy. All you gotta do is pick the least crazy one and hang on Logan.” We both laughed. “When you’re done with college of course.”

  “Of course.”

  “Promise?”

  “Really Dad?”

  “Just say yes.”

  “You want me to lie?”

  “Nope.”

  “Then I can’t say yes. Crazy chicks are wild in….”

  “TMI Logan.”

  He laughed like he did when he was a kid. A full belly laugh and with a smile as bright as the afternoon sun in July. Damn it was good to see.

  “Go ahead, let me have it. Tell me all you want to tell me.”

  “Nah, I’m good.”

  “You need condoms, all the damn time.”

  “XL,” he smirked.

  I fist bumped him, “That’s my boy. You in love?”

  “Someday maybe.”

  “Sounds good. Try not to break too many hearts bud. Karma is the greatest bitch out there.”

  ~

  We pulled in the driveway and I looked at the clock. “We gotta get ready for Collin’s service.”

  “I know.” Logan scowled down. “Sucks.”

  “Yeah bud, it sure does.”

  Chapter 5

  Goodbye

  We sat in the back of the church at Collin’s funeral. Ash, Logan, Ava, and I. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what they had been through. I forced my focus from Ava and Logan to whoever was speaking. Every part of me wanted to hug Tessa, comfort her, to be there for her and her family.

  I watched Tessa, whose daughter was on one side of her and her sons on the other. Her future son in law’s arm was around Harper as he reached over and rubbed Tessa’s shoulder comforting her.

  Whenever she struggled, whenever she celebrated, whenever major events happened in her life, I had been there as her friend. It was killing me to sit back here. I focused on my priority, my kids. I held Ava as she held back her sobs during the service. I patted Logan’s shoulder as he sat like his mother, looking down and silent.

  After Amazing Grace was sung by Maddox, Harpers fiancé, and his father Brody, Maddox sang another song. It was a little upbeat and full of promise.

  All around, hope is springing up from this old ground.

  Out of chaos life is being found in you.

  You make beautiful things; you make beautiful things out of the dust

  You make beautiful things you make beautiful things out of us.

  I glanced at my kids and then at Ash, habit I assume, but she was watching me too. I looked down suddenly uncomfortable and I don’t have a clue why I felt that way.

  We walked into the fellowship hall and Jade was helping the church women’s group set up the buffet style luncheon. Ashley went and helped Jade while Logan was talking to Alex’s oldest son.

  I watched Ava sputtering and talking to herself so I walked up to her. “You okay?”

  “Come with me Daddy,” I didn’t have time to answer; she grabbed my hand and dragged me through the sanctuary and out the back door.

  When we walked out we saw Harper clinging to Maddox, kissing him. My little prize stuck her fingers in her mouth and whistled. Maddox smiled and sat Harper on her feet.

  Tessa walked over and pulled Ava’s head to her and kissed her cheek, “Thanks.”

  “Anytime.”

  Tessa looked up at me and nodded and did her damndest to smile, a show for all of us, showing her strength. “This one’s a keeper.” She hugged Ava and
then patted my back as she walked by.

  “They’re gonna be okay Dad.”

  “Yeah they will.”

  Harper looked back and smiled at Ava and gave her a thumbs up.

  “Okay we can go back in, she’s okay.”

  “Sounds good.”

  I turned and saw that John was standing behind me. He winked at me and I gave him a nod as we walked back into the church. I was met by my wife’s glacial stare and I smiled at her, putting on a show of my own.

  We went through the receiving line as a family of four. Ava was taking her time and talking to Harper about going to Mardi Gras. I looked at Maddox’s face, he wasn’t happy about it. Then Ava mentioned the damn drummer boy that seemed fond of her and I was not.

  We walked around Harper to Tessa who was hugging Logan and thanking him for coming. My wife stuck out her hand to Tessa instead of offering a hug. Cold, Ash, real fucking cold, I thought to myself.

  I waited for their exchange and then hugged Tessa, “Sorry Tessa, I am so sorry. He was a great guy.”

  “Thanks for the flowers, they were beautiful.” She squeezed me tightly and I felt a slight tremble. I didn’t wanna let go but Ashley’s dagger eyes were nailing me in the back.

  Next was Harper, “Sorry about your Dad and the baby Harper.” I hugged her.

  “Thanks Lucas.”

  Next I shook Maddox’s hand, “Big shoes to fill, Maddox.”

  “Yes sir,” Maddox smiled politely.

  “From what I understand you fit the bill.”

  “I’ll do whatever I can.”

  “If you ever need anything, feel free to call me,” I reached in my pocket and handed him my card.

  I took Ashley’s hand and she pulled it away. “Let’s get something to eat dear.”

  “I want to leave,” she sneered.

  “Look around, your children need you here. Suck it up Mrs. Links.” I gave her a smack on the ass, “After you wife.”

  We sat at a table and looked at each other. She pushed around her salad, pouting and angry.

  “Need me to feed you?”

  “Screw you Lucas.”

  I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Tell me Ash, what the hell happened to the girl from last night?”

  “She’s sick of being second best.”

  I took a bite of my bread and sat back looking at her. I kept my emotions in check. Didn’t show her the anger that brewed inside of me. She needed to play the victim, but she wasn’t the victim here today. Not even close. I wasn’t either. Collin Abraham and his daughter were.

  I cleared our barely touched plates of food and let her sit there alone feeling sorry for herself. I gotta tell you it was fucking embarrassing. I needed to get her the hell out of there before anyone knew what a bitch she was actually being.

  I heard Tessa yell, “Luke!”

  I laughed when I saw my godson walk up to Tessa and hug her.

  I walked up and gave him a hug. “They let you come home?”

  “Yes, I have two weeks leave,” Luke patted me on the back.

  “That’s it?” Tessa asked.

  “I have two more weeks this summer and then my time is up.” Luke looked back at Tessa, “I am so sorry. Mom told me what happened and I would have been here sooner, but…you know.”

  “Your here now,” she hugged him again.

  “Where is Harper and the guys?”

  “Over there.” Tessa pointed to the kids.

  “Thanks see you in a bit. You to right?” Luke asked.

  “Of course, you know where to find me.”

  “Right next door.” Luke winked.

  “You should all come up after the service. Too much food at the house and I hate to throw it away.” Tessa smiled and then pushed him towards his cousins and my kids, “Go have fun.”

  She looked back at me and smiled. “Ashley okay?”

  “No.”

  “What’s going on Lucas?”

  So I smile, “Pretty sure she’s going through the change.”

  Tessa tried not to laugh and caught her bottom lip between her teeth to hold it back.

  “Tell me what you need Tessa. Anything you need.”

  She smiled and shook her head. “Nothing…”

  “Don’t do that.” I wanted to hug her so damn bad.

  She swallowed hard. “I can’t be anything but strong right now. Those kids of mine need me.”

  I understood how she felt. “When you need to fall apart, call me?”

  “I was thinking about trying to get my hands on a joint,” she whispered and I laughed out loud. “Shh.”

  “No, it actually sounds like a damn good idea.”

  “No it sounds irresponsible Lucas,” she was again trying not to laugh. “I was thinking the other night that if I did do that Collin would probably rise from the ashes just to kick my ass.”

  I smiled at her. “Even more tempting now huh?”

  She nodded her head and a tear fell down her face. I reached up and wiped it away.

  “When you need someone to get high with let me know, I’m all in.”

  I gave her a quick hug and kissed her cheek.

  “Thanks Lucas.”

  We stood quietly for a moment. I saw her looking at Luke.

  “He looks just like Tommy doesn’t he?”

  “More and more every day.”

  I looked over at my wife who was seconds from blast off.

  “Tessa anything at all got it. You know my number.” She nodded and looked back at me. “I’m gonna take off but seriously anything…”

  “Come up later. We’ll all be at the house.”

  “You got it.” I didn’t care that Ashly was no doubt looking at me. I leaned forward and gave Tessa a kiss on the forehead and forced myself not to inhale her scent. “See you soon.”

  I walked over to the coat closet, grabbed our stuff and walked out to gather the family.

  Once in the vehicle Ava started to cry again. She had held it in long enough. “Did you see her face? The bruises? I hate that they did that to her.”

  Harper was kidnapped, beaten, her unborn child was killed, and her father shot in front of her. The little sweet girl who grew up right in front of my eyes. I shuttered just thinking about it. I was so angry she had to go through it all. The man who did it to her was now dead. He was Collin’s brother, who Collin never knew of.

  I looked back and Logan was hugging her. “I’m so sorry Ava. So sorry they went through it all, if there was anything I could have done to prevent it I would. If I could go back and fix it for them I would. But there is nothing that can be done to erase what happened. We just be there for them and help them heal.”

  “I know Daddy,” she sobbed.

  “And you keep making them smile Ava, they need that.”

  “Okay,” she took in a few quivering breaths.

  “And you know we are all here for you.” Logan said in her ear. “No matter what Ava.”

  “Okay, so we go home, we cry, we get changed and head over to the Abraham home.”

  “I don’t think so,” Ashley sneered at me and I turned the key and started the SUV.

  “Play nice Ash.”

  “I know Ava wants to be there but I’m tired and really don’t think I can handle this. Logan, do you wanna go to the Abraham’s or home with me?”

  I looked up in the rear view mirror and saw Logan’s tangled expression.

  “We can drop Mom off Logan and then come back.”

  “I’ll go with Mom.”

  Ashley sat back and looked out the window.

  Bitch!

  Logan did indeed stay with his mother. Ava and I did go to Tessa’s.

  When we returned home, the winds of the east made the cold January day in upstate New York seem like the Sahara when I walked into the frigid Casa de Links.

  When I stood outside the door that night willing myself to walk into the arctic bedroom where the Ice Queen had been held up for nearly two hours I stopped for a moment to ready myself.
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  “I don’t know what you want me to say Robert. I’m sorry. I do love you I just don’t know what to do. Tell me what you want me to do. If I do he’ll make it so much worse for you. I don’t want your life to be ruined because my soon to be ex-husband is a tyrant.”

  Like a flash I swooped into the room and grabbed the phone from the un-expecting bitch on the bed.

  “What’s up Robby?”

  “Lucas give me the phone.”

  “No can do wife, you need to know what to do, this fucking worm won’t be the one you’ll listen to.”

  “I can’t believe you Ash. You’re such a fucking…” Robby finally grew a pair and was now sticking up for the bitch I married.

  “Excuse me? No you listen walking small. What she will do is play nice until my son graduates from high school. Don’t you tell me what to do you fucking cocksucker! I’m the one with pictures that could blow your measly chance at US Senator if you so much as breathe another word you little bitch. Uh uh uh, shut the fuck up slappy, it’s my world you’re fucking with now. President and CEO of Casa Links, I fucking rule here. So this is what’s up, you go back to letting everyone think you’re a boy banging closet bitch that’s probably why you got where you did in the first place… Listen slick I have no issues with homosexuals just pussies like you who wanna cash in on the votes while bagging a married woman… Bottom lip over your head turtle and listen up. I will willingly let go after graduation. I’ll even give a parting gift. You can bang my wife on the side, I don’t give a fuck but one ripple in the iced over pond I now reside in and your ass will be the one that pays… My kids come before your happiness fuck stick or the bitch I butt fucked… Oh please do try. You don’t even have to come to me. I will gladly meet you at whatever play yard it is your weasel ass hopes to be kissing babies for votes. That’s it Robby, non-negotiable my way is the only way.” I handed Ashley back the phone. “Vibrators in the top drawer, probably a bit dusty. Just lock the door behind me when you fuck a plastic dick because his ain’t that big.”

  I grabbed a pillow and shut the door behind me as I walked out.

  Bitch!

  ~

  I fell asleep thinking of Tessa. Her pain, her hurt, her sorrow, and her strength. Strength, a quality that most think is admirable, I wanted to take from her, I always had wanted to. It brought her further pain and it was something I was going to force her someday to realize. When she was done grieving she would be mine again; mine to take care of, I was now the man she deserved, the man who would give her no reason to have to show the world her strength for her survival. I would breathe life back into her and heal every pain me or anyone else had ever caused her.