The Heart of Andros

by Jade Oliver

  It takes me a moment of contemplation before I realize how stupid it is to be jealous over someone that is not and will never be mine. “Go right ahead. But just so you know we’re leaving for the islands in a few days so there’s not much getting to know you time.”

  She looks at me and says with a straight face, “Honey, my hands and mouth all over that body is all the get to know I need.” Flustered and feeling unsettled by her words, I tell her to just hurry with the check.

  Tobias returns as she's walking away. I can tell he’s annoyed that I paid by the small tick of his jaw as he holds back the comment he desperately wants to say. He’ll survive and it’s just another reminder that this is not a date. I can’t help but notice the slip of paper showing the waitress’ number is left on the center of the table with the writing visible, and I am pretty sure he wants me to see it.

  As he slides his hand across my lower back, it burns through the thin material of my shirt. The warmth shoots up to make a lump in my throat and I can, for a moment, imagine myself feeling things for another man besides Brax. Once outside, I quickly say goodbye to Tobias and almost run to the uber. I’m in need of more wine, my trusty diary, and alone time.

  Back at my apartment, I realize having dinner with Tobias made me feel renewed and I refuse to question it. It feels as if an emotional burden has been lifted off my shoulders, even if it is temporary, and I pull out my diary.

  I write in it almost every day, as my grandmother advised me to. I’ll never forget her words of wisdom, “Adair, darling, the world is yours to take. You can do with it what you will. Some days will be easy, some days difficult. Write down the things that matter, easy or difficult, so you don’t forget what lesson the world taught you that day.”

  Ever since, my diary keeps me grounded in reality. My heart aches at the thought of my grandmother because she is the only person in my life that ever really cared about me. At least when she left me it wasn’t by choice like the others. I will always be grateful for her giving me my first diary when I was eleven, right before she passed away.

  Shaking off those heavy thoughts, I begin writing a letter to Brax in my journal.

  Braxton,

  This letter is for me and for closure to our relationship so I can move on with my life. I was angry and hurt this morning when I discovered you gone. I am not sure what went wrong and why you left. I am heartbroken over your decision to leave, especially without telling me. I thought our relationship was solid and real, unlike my parent’s relationship with each other or with me. I now believe it was a foundation of lies. Did I scare you off somehow? Am I just so awful no one wants to stick around and love me? I guess I will never know. But one thing is for certain, I promised myself I would get over you and what you have done to me and how worthless you’ve made me feel. If you ever do happen to return, you will realize what I already know, it is far too little ~ far too late.

  Almost yours,

  Adair

  I am full on ugly crying as I sign my name. My tears leave two stray watermarks streaking the ink down the paper and leaving proof of my humiliation and heartbreak. But what I wrote is true — I refuse to hurt over someone so careless with my emotions, like my parents. Writing this letter tells me that it might hurt to have allowed myself to love him, it may be hard to get over what we had, but that it wasn’t real. I may not have been strong enough to express my hurt and stand up for myself as a child, but I am not a child anymore.

  I am not ready for Tobias, might never be, but I am ready to begin something new. This research study is that something new for me. I finally have a chance to be somebody and to shine. If Tobias is part of it, then I will at least enjoy the eye candy on my way to conquering the world. Okay, maybe not the world, but cultural anthropology will never be the same.

  Four

  May 9th, 2018

  Adair

  My arrival at the airport has me twirling my hair and bouncing on my feet. I’ve never been on an airplane before and now I’m about to leave the country. That fact, coupled with yesterday being the first day in the past week I haven’t spent with Toby prepping for this trip, and I feel off balance. With all that time together, I’m comfortable enough to call him Toby now without him misunderstanding the nature of our relationship. But I plan to still call him Tobias on occasion to annoy him.

  Glancing around I catch sight of Toby’s back. His tight, muscular but deliciously round ass is showcased perfectly by his running shorts, and his tee shirt clings to his broad shoulders in all the right ways. He turns, and I realize I am standing in the middle of the airport entrance staring him down like a starving dog that just found a meaty bone.

  Get yourself together, Adair. Do not screw up this chance. You are lucky to be here and beat out several other people that would love to take your place if you mess up. Not for the first time, I wonder if my very own British Superman will be a distraction on the trip. The thought infuriates me and warms my heart. I have no business thinking those or any thoughts about Toby outside of what pertains to our research.

  Toby’s gaze devours me as his devilish smile grows wider. I blush and glance down at my shorts and tank top. Crap, did I dress wrong or something? I hope not because I don’t have much else in my suitcase. It takes him only four long strides to get to me. Damn, his legs are long.

  “Hiya, love. Let’s check your bag and get some coffee before we board. It’s not a terrible flight, but I’m a bloody prat when flying. And I mean a total baby. I will surely have to take some medication to make it through the flight. Apologies ahead,” he says with a slight blush, downcast eyes, and his adorable boyish grin.

  I cannot imagine my one and only British Superman being bashful, bad at, or unsure about anything. I grab his hand and a slow, teasing shiver runs up my spine. But right now it’s not a bad thing because it seems to soothe my anxiety, and also some of his. I pull him a bit too forcefully to lead him to the baggage claim. The look on his face at me taking the lead is both funny and a little addictive.

  As we situate ourselves on the plane, Toby asks me about my childhood. It’s a sensitive topic for me, but Toby and I have developed a friendship over the last week and I feel comfortable talking about it. Sitting next to him, I turn my head to answer. “My parents were not physically abusive but very emotionally neglectful. My dad was also verbally abusive and was often cruel, but I could not count on my mom for help. She just ignored it. Hell, she ignored everything about me. My grandmother was the only one that has ever really cared about me, but she died when I was eleven.”

  Toby must see how upset it makes me because he grabs my hand. I let him hold mine in his while his thumb rhythmically skims it to offer me silent comfort. “Adair, love, I’m sorry.”

  No one seems to need me or want me, and they eventually leave me. My parents. My grandmother. Brax. My whole life I knew better than to take a chance putting my heart in someone‘s hands.

  I turn away this time because I don’t want him to see the devastation in my eyes as I tell him my truth. “The one time I allowed myself to forget I’m not the girl that gets her happily ever after, I’m reminded all I deserve is the wrong side of goodbye. I don’t think I can ever take that risk again. There’s nothing left to give.” I do my meditation breathing for a full thirty seconds before I look back at him.

  Squeezing my hand, he goes to speak but I stop him. “Toby, tell me about you.”

  He loses the sad expression and his eyes start to twinkle. “My childhood is quite different from yours. My parents have been happily married for 35 years. They still joke with each other, and unfortunately for me, still have sex regularly.” His face reddens and I give him a questioning look. “I caught them right before I left. On the dining room table! Where we eat our family meals.” He fake shudders, making me laugh.

  “All right, enough mushy. Let’s talk about the trip and some of the cool things we can do there!” He laughs at my overeagerness. I pull my hand from his to reach down and grab my small carry-on
where I stored the travel book. I open it up to show him pictures as I talk. “I did some research. We can bike ride, cliff drop into blue holes, and for sure, visit the local villages for fresh food from the island!”

  The plane starts moving as I continue my overly excited ramble. “Oh! Did you know that we will be on the island during the Junkanoo festival? It’s in early July right before we head back.” Getting no response, I look over at Toby. I can’t decide if he is white as a ghost or green with sickness. Is it possible to be both? “Are you okay?” I manage to squeak.

  “Yes, love. I hate these bloody contraptions. The medicine should kick in soon. Will you tell me a story?” His voice comes out groggy because of the medication.

  I pick up where I left off, spouting off everything I want to cover as we fly. “I really want to know more about the Bahamian magic of Obeah and its voodoo claims. Do you think there is any relation to that and the survival of these Lucayans and their not being found? Can we tie this to our research?” Toby scoots down into his seat, leans his head back, and closes his eyes as he listens to me.

  Next thing I know, I have an approximately 190-pound man pressing me into the airplane wall while he snores in my ear. Unable to move him, I wonder what he took that won’t let me wake him up. I regret drinking that last water and let out a whine as I squeeze my bladder. If I pee myself, he’ll be a dead man. Huffing out a breath, I finally give up trying to move him, and my attention moves outside the window to the sight below me as my thoughts wander.

  The water shining below is varying shades of blue winking back at me as if calling me to their depths. My gran used to tell me there was magic in the sea. That a soul can only ever be free to flow when floating, surrounded by the water’s gentle guidance. It still sounds a bit overly romantic and jibber jabber to me, but I do appreciate the beauty of the sentiment. The captain announces we are approaching the island and should see it out the left side.

  My breath hitches as the water surrounds Andros much like the other islands we’ve flown over. But this, this is so much better. This water is clear, and you can see the rock on one side, deep and hard but so beautiful all the same. The water on the other side of the island is such a rich deep blue and so dark you cannot see beyond the surface. Pine trees line the area, almost making me forget I’m looking at a tropical island. The view of the blue holes is majestic.

  How would I ever describe this to anyone? How does a perfectly round hole appear with freshwater only to mix with saltwater below? There are so many mysteries on this island, and I cannot wait to explore them.

  My reverie is interrupted by a loud snort and a sleepy-eyed Toby. At least he has the decency to appear slightly embarrassed as he croaks, “Bloody hell, love, did I pass out on you? I’m sorry. Did I snore? It’s the pills. I don’t normally act like this. I’m normally, well, I’m normally…” He is unable to finish his thought and turns away as we begin our descent. I let it go and we don’t speak again until we get our bags.

  Toby

  Bloody hell. I made a total prat of myself. I grab the large bag from Adair after she pulls it from the luggage roller. “It’s the least I can do, love,” I tell her as I start to walk towards customs with a bag in each hand. As I walk away, I can almost feel her roll her eyes at me, but she can’t change my mind. At customs, she walks behind me and I wonder if she is ever going to put me out of my misery. I know that wanker just left her, but I do not know how long I can wait. I have never felt so drawn to someone before. The tap on my shoulder makes me realize I have not moved with the line. The custom guy taps me again and wiggles his finger at me to follow. Bloody hell.

  Adair makes a move to follow and he starts to tell her no, but I interrupt, letting him know one bag is hers. We stand in the claustrophobic search room where my bag is hoisted onto the table. I want to yell at the guy for being aggressive but that will get us a whole different type of search. He tears through my stuff before deeming it safe. When he grabs Adair’s bag, she grasps it, not letting go. I nudge her, my look screaming to let the fucking bag go. Sighing, she does, and he begins to search it.

  Adair tightly grips my arm and when I look up, I cannot believe what I see. The tosser stands there holding a see-through Ziploc bag with… What the fuck, Adair? That is one big arse dildo, and with all the bells and whistles!

  “What do you need this for?” the customs man asks, looking directly at me even though I already told him it was Adair’s bag. I shake my head and start to correct him, but I don’t want to embarrass Adair any more than than she is already. Bloody damn the queen. “Umm. I hurt my back and it helps me when it’s used behind there.” I stamper, turning a bit red once I realize how that sounds. Shaking his head, he throws it back into her bag and asks for our passports to stamp.

  Less than 15 minutes later we are safely tucked into the back of a cab, and I cannot wait to arrive at the research campus so we can rest. The whole day I have done nothing but embarrass myself. One hour and I can have some alone time.

  * * *

  One hour later …

  Fucked. That is what I am. Royally fucked. I totally jinxed myself with the one hour shite. I should have known better.

  I turn to Dr. Levinstien, the program director that is personally showing us to our accommodations, and ask, “Are you sure?”

  She replies with soft understanding in her voice, “I’m afraid so. With budget cuts and a pretty full summer schedule we’re completely full. The university said to worry more about research equipment than to worry about accommodations. You’re actually pretty lucky to be here in a researcher’s hut.” I raise my eyebrow at her as she continues, “The community huts have bunks for four to six people plus lack space to spread out or discuss research, no kitchenette, and no indoor bathroom.”

  Adair’s shock is all over her face but she manages to state, “I’ll take the Brit over peeing outside.” I animatedly grasp my heart like I’m wounded, though I must admit even knowing she is joking it stings a bit.

  “Dr. Levinstien,” I say. “It doesn’t take your PhD to know we’re better off here in the researcher’s hut. Thank you for your time.”

  The good doctor leaves us and I bring in our bags. Our research equipment covers half the hut. I sigh and face Adair. “I guess after staying here we’ll be used to sleeping close when it comes camping time.” With a half-hearted laugh, I try to ignore the mortification on Adair’s sweet face and continue. “I can sleep on the floor if it makes you more comfortable, love. I don’t want you to feel weird in any way. You’ve had a lot of stress lately and I don’t want to add to that.”

  Adair peeks up at me through thick, long lashes, her make-up free face so innocent looking with the last rays of sun hitting her just so. I have to avert my eyes before my half hardness below becomes full on raging want. She sucks in a deep breath, drawing my eyes to her lush, slightly puffy and perfectly bowed lips. I almost groan at the ideas running through my mind, but I know I am only torturing myself.

  Adair clears her throat, interrupting my naughty daydreams. She speaks with a breathlessness I would mistake as desire from anyone else. “It’s fine Toby. Let’s quickly grab food and get to bed. We have a ton to do tomorrow. We’re both grown ups here.”

  The thought of sleeping in the same bed with her makes me want to wrap my arms around her and cradle her against me. Shite! Toby. Get your head in the game or you will have purple balls instead of blue ones.

  With a weak chuckle and smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes, she finishes with, “What’s a little bed amongst friends?”

  Friend zoned. Just fucking great.

  Five

  May 10th, 2018

  Adair

  Brax’s arms snake around my waist and pull me into the hard warmth of his chest. His hand grazes my bare stomach, and with lazy strokes, climbs higher until underneath my tank. He teasingly caresses the skin under my breast before moving up to brush the hardened peak. My ass scoots into him with an exaggerated wiggle craving the
feel of his hardness against me. He moves closer and wraps the bottom of his leg over mine to hold me firmly in place.

  Brax slowly starts to slide his thumb in circles before lightly pinching my aching nipple. I let out a low, throaty moan. He stops abruptly and takes a noticeably sharp intake of breath. I attempt to turn over to see what’s wrong and to entice him back into action, but his arms tighten to stop me.

  He takes another deep breath, as if bracing himself, and the memories of the past week come to me full force. I barely feel the gentle caress of his thumb as he rolls me over. I stiffen, but he keeps his arms securely around me. As the last remnants of sleep leave me, a dusting of light blond hair covering a muscled but lanky chest comes into focus. One that belongs to Toby and not Brax. No less mouth watering than the one I was expecting but still not who I thought. I blink as if it will change whose arms hold me, and with a hard swallow, my brain acknowledges the reality of our situation.

  Holy shit - I just woke snuggling Toby. I had scooted my ass into his dick while he played with my nipple! And, fuck me, I liked it. Granted, that is how I wanted to wake up with Brax and I did think it was him… but now what the hell do I do? How do I forget how he made me feel with so little action?

  I can feel the heat of embarrassment on my face, and I’m sure a flush of red has found its way through too. My muscles are balls of tension, and I can’t help but be upset by what happened.

  Toby’s warm breath ruffles the wisps of hair that have escaped my braid, and he makes no move to try and look directly at me as he speaks. “Adair. Tell me what’s wrong. Are you upset with me? I didn't mean to cross boundaries this morning. I never want to do anything to make you uncomfortable, even accidentally. As far as holding you during the night. We must have gravitated to each other in sleep. We can figure out how to add a separator.” His words are truthful and I hate that they are laden with remorse.