by Jade Oliver
I debate in my head for a moment, before finally deciding to say screw it and be truthful. “Toby, I told you I just wanted a friend and working relationship only, but here I am rubbing up against you like a cat in heat. I didn’t mean to tease you, but I also won't lie and say I didn’t enjoy it. I’m that girl, the one that says one thing and does another. I hate that girl!” My voice rises on the last part with an irrational, annoying whine. Who am I right now? This last week has been uncharacteristic of me! Ugh! I have got to get my shit together and soon.
“Adair, my love, it’s perfectly okay. I didn’t mind you enticing me. I quite enjoyed it actually. For that matter, use your skills on me anytime.” He chuckles, making me open my eyes and look at him. “What? I haven’t hidden my desire for you. And Adair, trust me, even in the depths of your adorable freak outs you could never be that girl. I was raised to recognize there is no right or wrong when you’re dealing with emotions, and it has made me very open to defining how relationships look and work. Sometimes life throws a lot at you all at once to force you to look at your wants and beliefs.”
“Don’t I know that!” I blurt out.
Toby laughs at me. “Just know I am not asking for anything from you, but I will not say I don’t desire you when I do. All I need from you is clear boundaries. You can take from me until you decide what you want to give me back.”
“But Toby!” Is he serious?
“No buts Adair, it is my choice. I am here willing to give to you. If it ever becomes something I don’t want, I’ll let you know and we can redefine our boundaries.”
“I know you want me, but I’m torn. My heart and body are at war. What if I’m not enough?”
“Touch me, Adair. Please,” Toby whispers, and my resolve breaks. I am far too curious to know what he feels like.
I scoot my body closer as I reach out and touch his hard pecs, caressing him with a slow, sensual rhythm that mimics his torturous caress of me. He sucks in a breath as my hand grazes slightly above his nipple. I want to taste him, allow myself to fully give in to the attraction that’s building. When I look up and see the intensity of emotion in his blue eyes I hesitate. I’m not ready. Will I ever be?
Toby takes my hands into his, gives each one a gentle kiss. Eyes alight with hunger and understanding, he pulls me up into him and holds me in a half-laying, half-sitting snuggle. The understanding scares me more than the hunger. The hunger of desire is natural, physical, but the understanding shows compassion and caring.
Contradictions well up inside me. My heart wants more but my head knows better. This is the type of man I could lose myself in. I fight yet more tears from surfacing. Why the hell do I keep breaking down and crying in front of him? I am not wimpy! But this last week I've been going through the motions. Trying to ignore the inner ache I feel by Brax’s betrayal and move on without acknowledging it.
Throughout my inner musings, Toby just holds me, letting me decide what action to take. But when I go to back up, he holds me in place, slowly leaning over to lightly kiss my forehead. He looks me in the eye, gives me his signature crooked smirk, and gets out of bed. At the bathroom door, he glances over his shoulder to catch me checking out his ass.
Amusement lacing his tone, he tells me, “It’s okay, Adair. I can be patient. When I make love to you, and make no mistake I will, there will be not one doubt in that gorgeous head of yours. One day you are going to look in the mirror and see the woman I see.” Then he walks into the bathroom and shuts the door.
I lay there for several minutes trying to gather myself. I hear Toby showering and decide a walk on the beach is needed. Until we arrived, I never knew how much I wanted to see the beach. Coming here has made me realize how sheltered my life has been. Until college, I had never left my home state. I quickly climb out of bed and head outside for some much needed time to myself.
A few minutes later, I walk across the beach and the warm grittiness of the sand feels wonderful under my feet. The breeze is soft and warm with an early morning dew damp against my skin. Making my way to the shoreline I step into the surf and admire the crystalline aqua blue water. It is beautiful with the light of the rising sun shining across the surface, and I take several deep, meditative breaths as the waves gently lap at my calves. I allow the peace of my surroundings to calm me as I try to make sense of my scattered thoughts.
Toby is not the playboy I first thought him to be, so would it really be so bad if I let myself go there? Could a relationship without definitions really work? Toby is almost too good to be true. Brax sure was. Brax even told me not to fall for him, but my instincts told me otherwise.
I let my mind drift back to 6 months earlier…
My stomach swims with butterflies as I sit on my couch to slip on my heels and wait for Brax. I swipe my sweaty palms across the fabric of my jeans. I chose my tightest pair of skinny jeans, the ones that hug my ass just right, a cream cable knit sweater that shows slivers of my bare skin, and killer black heels. Just as I finish reapplying my deep red lipstick there is a knock on my door.
Jumping from the couch I run to the door and swing it it open to launch myself into a surprised Brax’s arms. “Adair, beautiful, as much as I appreciate you in my arms you never looked through the peephole or asked who it was. I could have been anyone. I could have been someone set out to hurt you.” He takes my face in his hands, his fingers tangling in my hair as they wrap around my neck, using his thumbs to hold me in place as he presses a soft kiss on my lips. His thumbs stoke along my cheekbones and he lays his forehead against mine. Brax’s voice is raspy as he speaks. “I don’t know what I would do if you were hurt. If I couldn’t protect you. Promise me. Please, promise me you will never do that again.”
Sighing at his chronic over-protectiveness I reply. “I promise, now come in and have a drink before you tell me what we’re doing.” I’ve already pulled away and attempted my hardest to yank him through my door.
“Beautiful, I can’t.” For a moment, I want to throw a tantrum like a little girl and scream come in and touch me but instead I get my purse. The fact that Brax appreciates the extra lift these jeans give is shown by the outline in his pants. “Oh and Brax, these heels aren’t the only black thing I’m wearing. Be a good boy and maybe you’ll get to see later.”
I silently cheer as he audibly groans. “You are killing me woman.”
After driving about 30 minutes Brax and I pull up to a farm, and I don’t know if I am going to cry or scream. Instead, I squeal like a child and bounce in my seat. On our last date, Brax and I discussed our childhoods, both pretty messed up if you ask me - loveless and not great examples of what emotional stability looks like. I told him as a kid I always wanted my parents to take me to a farm during the fall. The other kids talked about how great it was to walk through the cool air while sipping warm apple cider and picking apples and pumpkins for decoration or pies. About the mazes and hayrides and everything magical a childhood experience should be. With a smile so wide it could split my face, I walk hand in hand with Brax into the most perfect date.
I wrote in my diary later that night…
Tonight, Brax made my fall farm dream happen for me. It was everything I thought it would be and more. Once again Brax managed to surprise me and make one of my dreams come true - to right one of my childhood wrongs. I planned to seduce him with my feminine charms, aka my good butt jeans and black lace Victoria Secret panties and bra set, but he’s determined to make me wait. I can’t help but think there is more to his hesitation than meets the eye.
We sat in his car for over an hour talking and making out like teenagers. I told him I was falling for him. He told me he feels the same but neither of us should let that happen. That he should be protecting me from him - not the hypothetical stranger at the front door. He went on to tell me that he doesn’t deserve my trust or affection and that I will end up hating him one day. Not exactly the way I thought things would happen. We were most definitely not in my bed with me nestled in his arms.
/> I really don’t understand why he does the things he does. One minute he is making my every fantasy a reality and telling me I deserve everything in the world and the next he is pulling away. I thought I was the unstable person with relationships here. Ugh! He makes me crazy sometimes, but he makes me feel. I guess it’s because I have never had a ‘real’ relationship.
Once again I am overthinking. I vow to let go and enjoy this ride as long as it lasts. As always, wish me luck diary. I sure need it - I am going to trust my heart for once.
The day after, I walk to my car from class to see a pink rose with a folded note under my windshield wiper. I pull the flower to my nose to inhale the sweet fragrance as I read.
Adair,
I was called out of town on a business trip, but I wanted you to know I will think of nothing else but you. I know being with me isn’t easy and you deserve so much more, but thank you for letting me in - I know opening up is hard for you. I promise to do whatever it takes to keep you safe.
Yours,
Brax
I come out of my memories and shake my head at the thoughts of that time. It makes so much more sense to me now. Brax in his own warped way tried to protect me. I should have listened instead of playing on the fact that he couldn’t stay away. Hell, all I did was obsess over him when he wasn’t around, there was never a choice.
Maybe I am just so fucked up I think any sort of attraction is love at first sight. I’d say my recent behavior and reaction to Toby would go into the duh exhibit B category, but I can’t shake the feeling that there’s something more between us. As crazy at it seems we both feel it. Unlike Brax, he’s pulled me to him from the start. He’s willing, not succumbing.
The sun is now shining bright and all traces of the dawn are long gone, so I know I need to get back. With one last longing look at the horizon, I head back to the hut.
Six
May 17th, 2018
Adair
I stare at my plate and feel a smile come to my lips. “Toby, thank you for making me breakfast. I can’t believe you remembered that I love southwestern veggie omelettes.”
“You’re welcome, Adair. I make it a point to remember what you like.” He winks at me before he takes a bite. “These are actually quite tasty.” I can’t help but giggle at his playfulness.
We eat quietly for a few minutes then we discuss the day. “Toby, I was thinking we could explore the island. We can take our time and act like tourists but squeeze in some work if we can. A little work, a little pleasure. Perhaps use the two bikes that were left by some of the villagers.”
Groaning, Toby replies, “You just want to see me try to ride that rickety bike again.” He emphasizes the word try.
With a laugh, I tell him, “Perhaps. But I also think it would be good for us to get out and explore some places that might offer us clues. We’re essentially pioneers with this research. I never could do anything the easy way. What’s your excuse?”
Toby gives me that ‘what am I going to do with you look’ but still nods his yes. We finish breakfast quickly to start the day. Both of us are eager to get out of the hut for a while and enjoy some much needed sunshine and air.
I travel down the well worn footpath on the bicycle but it’s not as easy as I thought it would be. However, I am enjoying the scenery anyway because it gives me time to think about how much I have changed since meeting Toby. Despite only knowing him for a short time he’s reminded me what I am capable of and he helps me to see the joy in life. He is definitely unexpected but someone I am starting to rely on.
I see a turn up ahead and decide to take it. The other morning I talked to some locals and they told me about this path. It was supposed to be a little hidden gem that most people didn’t know about.
I hear Toby call out behind me, "What are you doing? I think you’re taking the wrong path! Adair, stop and wait for me.”
I don’t turn around as I yell back, ”So much for British Superman. Hurry up, slowpoke.” I can't help but giggle as he huffs. He’s so much fun to tease.
The twists and turns make it harder to navigate. No wonder it’s less traveled. I barely hear where Toby is behind me because the foliage is so thick. I know he must be worried, so I shout, “Come on, Turtle! Get a move on.” I laugh out loud.
I know he heard me when he shouts back, “Adair, I am not a Turtle. And being a Turtle is not always a bad thing! It won the race, right my love?”
I turn back to see where he’s at but suddenly the front bike tire hits a deep rut and I don’t have time to correct it. Barely missing the tree to my right, I crash into a bush and land under the bike, scraping my right leg and arm on the dirt, rocks, and bush.
Motherfucker. This really stings.
Busy as I look over my cuts and bruises I don’t hear Toby come up until he hollers my name in a worried voice.
“Adair! What happened? Are you alright?” He barely stops the bike before jumping off and rushing to my side. Toby kneels and begins looking me over.
“Toby, it’s not that bad.”
Toby looks at me with worry clear in his blue eyes. “Adair, it may not be that bad but I still hate to see you hurt. Did you hit your head when you fell?” He lays a hand on either side of my head and gently begins to feel around for a knot. I almost tell him I didn’t hit my head, but he would have checked anyway.
Toby slowly lifts my arm to study the scrapes. After he verifies it’s not that bad, he lays my arm back down, places his hand on my left knee and pulls it towards him, spreading my legs apart so he can see my right leg. I’m slightly uncomfortable in this position. This would be a perfect position for a pervy joke or heated look, but for once Toby doesn’t notice or look at me sexually. Instead, he appears distressed that I am hurt. It’s adorable but a bit much. I’m not sure how to take his protectiveness.
My leg is worse than my arm. It’s scraped all the way down the side with road rash and it bleeds in some of the more raw spots but only slightly. On the side of my knee, a golf ball sized bruise is forming. “It’s okay. Just a little scrape and some bruising. It burns a little but doesn’t hurt that much.” I talk in a gentle, soothing manner and hope it will help calm his nerves and the tension that threads through his beautiful body and face.
When he’s finally done, he lets go to rest his hands on his legs and begins to lecture me. “Adair, my love, you must be more careful. What exactly happened? Were you trying to talk to me? You should be concentrating on stuff in front of you and not looking back. I will always catch up. I’ll always find my way to you.”
At first, I want to be annoyed at him. Tell him I am a grown woman capable of making decisions myself. But then I realize that he comes from a place of concern not to try and control me. It’s a new concept for me. I’ve never really learned how to let someone else care for me.
I grab his hand as I reassure him and he relaxes slightly at the contact. “Toby, I’m fine. It was a minor fall. Yes, I should’ve paid better attention. I promise I will next time if you promise not to overreact. All right?”
Toby nods his acceptance. “Okay. But let’s clean you up. Is the first aid kit in your bag?” I nod yes and he takes the first aid kit out of my bag and then silently proceeds to clean my arm and leg. My skin prickles with awareness as he blows against the alcohol’s sting on my wounds, and I’m sure we both know it’s not from the alcohol’s burn. It’s nice to be cared for and I, for once, plan to let go and enjoy the moment. After about five minutes of gentle touches and thorough care he’s finished and returns the kit to my bag before he stands. We both ignore that it’s four minutes more than needed.
“Help me up?” I raise my hands to him and he takes them, easily lifting me off the ground.
“How about we leave the bikes here and walk a little?” he asks.
“That sounds good, actually,” I confess.
“I’ll carry the packs and we can find a place to eat in an hour or so. What do you think?” Toby looks excited at his proposition and we’ve bo
th looked forward to today’s exploring adventure. His tone is less tense and he is smiling again with a twinkle in his eye.
“Yes! Let’s go.” We prop the bikes up against the tree and begin walking, Toby taking the lead.
He quickly glances back at me. “You never know what we will find, Adair. The most precious things come when we least expect it.” The look he gives me lets me know he’s not talking about artifacts.
Thirty minutes later we stop for our picnic in a little cove we discovered the other day canvassing. The island may almost be deserted but it’s so beautiful in its natural state. “I can understand why the island would have been ideal for the more adventurous colonists, especially the British loyalists during the Revolutionary War. Most of the island is uninhabitable. Can you imagine what it was like to live here back then? I think there was less swamp land. Don’t look at me like that. I do wonder what happens at the military complex. Oh, Toby, we need to make sure we find out where we can and can’t go around there. I would hate to inadvertently get in trouble. We are here to find information, artifacts, and study everything, but I am not sure the government wants us digging too deep into their business. Or weapon testing.” My words are a stream of consciousness and all excitement and wonder.
“Breathe, Adair.” Toby shakes his head with a laugh. “I am sure there is more than meets the eye but one shouldn’t always know all the secrets, right? Let’s stick to exposing only the secrets we came for.”