by Jade Oliver
“Toby, do think we will find what we need?” So far, despite a week of exploring and talking with the locals, we’ve found nothing. The island is 2300 square miles and that is a lot of ground to cover with only two people. “Finding new information about the polygamous relationships between those coming to the island and the indigenous Lucayans sometimes feels next to impossible. The beliefs and power structure was just so different. How do we find enough? It feels daunting.”
“Why the doubts Adair?” His voice is strong and confident. He doesn’t sound worried like I do.
I shrug my shoulders and look past him to stare at the water of the blue hole. I suppose it stems from the advice of my grams, but large pools of water like this have always had a calming effect on me. I just feel an overall connection to the island. Fortified, I try to explain my worries. “I am afraid there is nothing for us to find. I wanted to find meaning in my life. Have a career. Make something of myself. I have put so much pressure on our research here to change and define me. Now, I just don’t know if that’s possible…”
Toby scoots over to me and gives me a hug. “Adair, it’s only been a week and we’ve only covered about twenty square miles. I know we don’t have time to explore the whole island, not with only the two of us with such a short amount of time. But have some patience. Besides, you always have me, remember? Have I let you down yet?” He pulls me back and the clear sky blue of his eyes reflect sincerity. “Let’s eat lunch, relax, and worry about the rest as it comes. Maybe try a jump from the high deck once our food settles.”
Grateful that he always seems to know what to say to me, I give him a small smile. “Okay, Toby, that sounds perfect. I can’t wait to hear you scream like a 3 year old girl on the way down.”
Toby unfolds the picnic blanket and begins to prep lunch, so I settle down and open my pack for my water, which causes my copy of Pride of Prejudice to fall out. Immediately Toby notices it and picks it up, turns it over in his hands. He smirks when he realizes what book he holds. He gives me a mischievous look with barely repressed laughter.
“Never thought of you as a closet Jane Austen fan.”
“Why?” I am curious of his answer.
“Adair, my love, you avoid my small touches like they burn you. You resist my charms.” He leans in and whispers making sure his accent is highlighted, “You ignore my sweet nothings in your ear.” At that statement, I roll my eyes because I know he’s messing with me now.
He ignores the eye roll and continues. “I was starting to think you were not a romantic. I mean, who could resist a British Superman and Mr. Darcy rolled into one? That is a lot of sexy in one man.”
I give him my best fierce scowl and growl, “Just shut up and eat, Tobias.” He lets out a belly laugh at my pitiful attempt at menacing, laughing so hard tears come to his eyes and he falls over.
“I guess what I was trying to say earlier is I want to be known because I have always been forgotten. That’s the urgency. All the self-imposed pressure,” I blurt out unprompted before covering my mouth with a little groan.
Toby doesn’t respond to my outburst. Instead, he wraps his arm around me and squeezes me to his side. I lay my head on his shoulder and feel the steady thump-thump of his heart. He confesses, “We’re not so different, my love. I want to be known because how can I measure up to the ideal I was given? By most standards my life has been charmed. My parents love each other and me unconditionally. They told me it was okay to take risks, live the life I want and be happy no matter how that looks or if other people understand. It is surprisingly hard to live up to no expectations Adair. Be it because you are accepted completely or rejected completely.”
I don’t move or speak because I realize for the first time perhaps we are more similar than I ever allowed myself to believe. Toby is right. Having nothing and having everything is not as far apart as it seems.
After what feels like forever allowing ourselves to steal comfort from the other, I look to Toby, raise my eyebrows, and ask, “Are you chickenshit? Time to squeal.”
I reach into my bag for the towels and realize we forgot them. I can’t help but giggle as I ask Toby to explain his oversight. With an exaggerated waggle of his eyebrows, he says, “Well you came out in a string bikini like that with only tiny shorts I couldn’t help my distraction. You’re the one who forgot your shirt. Farmer’s tan, Adair, really? Now come, Adair. Our adventure awaits!”
It doesn’t take us long to reach the top of the fifteen foot platform. I look down at the perfectly round and massively large body of water. It’s darker than the ocean. A marvel of the sea meets fresh water. I cannot believe we are about to do this.
I study the water to search for an answer I know can’t be found in its depths. My voice shaking, I ask him, “Do you think the sharkapuss is real? I know it’s crazy but…” He cuts me off with his crinkled, confused brow and rich laughter. “Don’t laugh at me. You’ve seen the stupid pictures and heard the locals stories. It’s a fucking deadly shark octopus morph freak of sea life.” I sound more whiny than scared but just thinking about what is down there terrifies me. I didn’t think it would bother me until I was actually about to jump into the unknown.
“Oh, bollox. Don’t worry, I’ll save you from all the big bad monsters.” He looks to me. “If only you would let me,” he utters, and with sad eyes, jumps. I know he means more than made up sea creatures, but I can’t handle it now after all the heaviness of earlier. Somehow though, I know I want him there when I am.
I fortify myself with a deep breath and take a leap of faith into the depths below. I feel free as I soar through the air knowing that I’ll be caught by the water below. Almost as soon as I jump Toby turns his back to me and I realize my top has come untied. I gasp and cover my naked breasts with my hands as I splash into the water but lose my top while trying not to inhale from my shock.
I pop up, gasp for breath, and feel Toby as he whispers into my ear from behind, “I’ve got you. I told you, I might not be a real superhero, but I will always do my damnedest to be there for you. We both know you don’t need to be saved.” The way he holds me, the words he whispers, and the gentle way he is always there for me makes my heart flutter. It’s too much for me handle at the moment. I need some time to decide what I want because the back and forth is doing us no favors.
After a moment in his arms, I swim to shore only to remember we have no towels. “Only me,” I choke out while laughing until my sides hurt. With a forced seriousness in my voice I say to Toby, “The sharkapuss musta ate it,” before promptly falling into another fit of laughter. We laugh for at least five minutes before he goes to the lower deck to grab his shirt and my shorts. Ever the gentleman, Toby gives me his own T-Shirt then turns his back while I dress. He is my superhero after all.
Seven
May 24th, 2018
Adair
A renewed sense of purpose fills me as we walk into town this morning. At breakfast Toby had a surprise for me. Somehow he had worked a miracle and convinced one of the oldest locals, Consuelo, to talk with us.
“Toby, I am thrilled you convinced Consuelo to help us. I know the information she provides will help us with our research and to find different parts of the island to explore. But I hope we’re able to find physical evidence of the non-indigenous settlers interactions and interrelationships with the Lucayans. Especially their poly relationships. What do you think?”
Toby laughs. “You sure love the poly aspect, don’t you? It’s first on your list every time.” I give him my best “pretended to be offended” look while he eagerly nods his head. “Well, love, she is an elder and rumored to be the local Obeah queen. Despite having limited access to modern medicine, the locals would rather pay her using a bartering system for her services. She’s the historian and wise woman of the island and her opinion holds a lot of weight. If she can’t help us, I’m not sure anyone can.”
I sigh. “I hope so. When Consuelo refused to talk or even open the door to us a few days ago I
started to wonder what we could look at next. For an island so small, it seems to take forever to search!”
Toby reaches over and grabs my hand. He does that a lot recently, but I don’t mind. It’s become his habit, like with the brushes of his hand across my back or down my hair. I’ve actually grown so accustomed to it that sometimes I don’t even notice anymore. “Adair, I know. But when I went to the village this morning I felt the need, this unexpected urge, to try one more time. I would have said something otherwise.”
“I, for one, am so glad you did. How did you convince her?”
Toby squeezes my hand and starts snickering. “When I refused to go away, she asked me why I was a crazy boy seeking out the local Voodoo queen. I told her ‘I only wish to seek the wisest woman.’ At first she stood there without talking and just stared at me. Let me say this — she may be a petite woman and not physically intimidating, but she has a commanding presence about her. I broke our stare off first and told her everything. Where we were from. Why we were here. What we were seeking. I thought she was going to shut the door in my face when she finally asked me for our names. I was confused, but she kept insisting I tell her our names even after I said them. I finally realized she wanted our full names.”
“Weird. Since we’ve been on the island last names haven’t mattered. ”
“I know. What’s weird is she only reacted to your name. She had an eye twitch that I almost missed, then told me to bring the girl back tomorrow.”
We walk the rest of the way in silence and arrive about fifteen minutes later. Before I can knock on the door it opens. Interesting. And don’t forget creepy, Adair. I hold back the bit of fear as I wonder if she’s been waiting for us. I have my answer when she speaks in a low voice, almost a whisper. “Come in. I made some tea and guava duff.”
This is totally unexpected after her reaction to us the first day. My shock and hesitation must show on my face because she lets out an unexpected laugh. “Come. Sit. I will explain as we chat.” Toby and I follow her into a small sitting room filled with local furniture. After sitting and fixing us each a small plate, she starts, “People have come before you, searching for different answers. None have come for the answers that you seek. They seek the gold.”
Her brown eyes are cloudy with age but hold a wisdom I can only hope to have one day. “Long ago as a young girl, I tried to help by offering these seekers advice and information about the past as I knew from my ancestors. But they betrayed me and the island people. They destroyed the physical history of the island trying to find gold. These people were greedy fools, and I have not trusted outsiders for more than 80 years.”
Wow. 80 years is a long time. “Why have you decided to help us? Not that I am ungrateful, but why trust us? We are outsiders seeking information.” I hope my voice sounds eager and not dismissive. However, I need to know why she would finally speak with us today if she has such strong feelings about outsiders.
After taking a sip of her tea, she begins. “There is a village legend about a woman named Vanessa. Vanessa lived here during the 18th century and was a local Lucayan island woman. She was set to be the next leader of our people and she much loved, and abused, her position of power. She was in a relationship with five men, some Lucayan men and some colonists. She coveted the conventions of the outsiders. She abandoned the essence of the tribe only practicing those things that benefited her and encouraged others as well. This caused an irreparable break in our people that has never fully been repaired.”
“Why have we not found these poly relationships or evidence that they even existed?” Toby inquires.
Consuelo shakes her head sadly. “Yes. Why isn't there? Several years after the colonists came, things changed when more people started moving to the island over the next century. Our type of relationships were not considered ethical by many of the newcomer’s standards. These people from over the sea started imposing more beliefs into our way of life until we were a mixture of what we started with and what we have become today. That’s why there are so many churches on the island. They were trying to make up for a history of what they claimed was debauchery and sin. The poly and magic of my people was banned. However, there are places on the island where you can live peacefully and practice one or the other or even both if you want.”
I feel as though she is leaving something out. “But what about Vanessa? What happened to her?”
Consuelo’s eyes light up with mischief and secrets. “I suggest you visit Morgan’s Cave to delve deeper into its secrets.”
Toby immediately objects. “But the locals told us it was cursed and to stay away. Plus, we have visited it and found nothing.”
“Yes, but what is on the surface is not always going to provide you with what you seek.” A very cryptic answer, but I feel relief and anticipation at finally having some answers.
We leave a few minutes later, and as we are walking out the door Consuelo whispers to me, “Seek and you shall find, Adair.” Then she promptly shuts the door.
I have no idea what she meant, and I think she may a little addled in the brain.
“What did she whisper to you, Adair?” Toby asks as we travel back to the research huts.
“Nothing that made sense.” I want to change the subject, so I begin to discuss with him what we should do over the next week. As we go over our plans, I decide that what she said to me has no bearing on our research and let it drift out of my mind. My focus needs to be on the here and now, not what Consuelo’s riddles mean.
Eight
June 2nd, 2018
Day 25
Dear Diary,
The past week has been nothing but work. Scouting, talking to locals, looking for clues in hidden places, and trying to decipher our research enough to see where it will fit in our final paper. The locals are so lovely and welcoming. The stories and legends shared are endless. We received looks of shock when we let everyone know our plans to camp in the remote middle part of the island, which is concerning, but the locals did not give us a reason.
We leave tomorrow. A hike to Morgan’s Cave for discovery, based on C’s advice. We will camp overnight there before heading out into complete, no signal in any way, shape, or form, remoteness. It’s scary, and I’m a little — ok A LOT — nervous. If something happens to us it will be weeks before anyone notices. Even then it will be our check in with the university, but they know that sometimes the research draws you in - it makes you forget. But I can’t focus on that. I am living my dream and we are working damn hard.
And before we go Toby and I are going to reward ourselves by going to dinner because we’ll be living “off the land” on those gross dried military meals for the next few weeks. Dinner where we promised each other there will be no research talk. I might even try to talk him into going dancing. I think some fun will do us both good.
We’ve become such good friends. I’ve spent almost every day with him, and no one else, since finding out I was chosen for the study. It’s so fucking intense. It’s only been what — a month? — but it’s been pretty much 24/7 for three of those weeks. We had a weird start, but eventually we had a breakthrough, and now he might know more about me than any other person on this earth. He is the best friend I’ve ever had. How sad is that? Us — together — sounds like a no brainer, right? I don’t want to ruin what we’ve built. I’m not sure I could handle losing him.
And as much as it pains me to admit, I still think of Brax. How can I still want him but also want Toby too? How can I have lingering feelings for him and still have all these feelings swirling for Toby? Okay. I am so letting this poly stuff we’re researching creep into my head. It must stop. But the thought of both Toby and Brax in my bed fills my dreams. Toby is creeping his way into my heart but it’s not making my feelings for Brax go away. My past entries to you, diary, and my memories of my time with Brax, show me that he must have felt something for me. I wish I could make sense of everything. Although, he left so abruptly, even if I wanted to forgive him I can’t, and
what about Toby? If things were different could I have them both?
I have to stop obsessing. This research is killing me. It’s time to suck it up and be a big girl. Speaking of, if I don’t get ready now, I won’t have time, and I’ll be damned if I am missing my last night of food and fun for fuck knows how long. Wish me luck diary - I sure as hell need it.
* * *
After dinner…
Toby
I watch Adair fumble to get the key into the lock. I press into her back and skim my hand down her bare arm as I steady her so that she can slide the key in. I see my touch causes goosebumps to rise on her flesh and a flush of desire creeps over her cheeks, down her neck, and to the swell of the cleavage shown perfectly in her tight white dress. The dress made me lose my mind and do stupid things, like take her dancing.
I teasingly whisper into her ear, “Steady there, love. I’ve got you.” The door begins to slide open, and I know I have to let her go. But before I do, I press her into me without the concern of knowing she will feel the raging erection that her touch gives me. I groan when she pulls away to enter the hut.
Adair turns to me with a shy, but devilish grin, and grabs a bottle of red wine and corkscrew from the counter, placing them in my hands. Moments later, we settle on the small couch. Our conversation flows smoothly, almost effortlessly. I think only my parents know more about me than Adair and that is simply because they were there my whole life. I’ve been open with her about myself because I wanted, no felt, that she needs to know so she would learn to trust me. We’ve made a lot of progress and I think she is finally trusts me some.
We’ve been talking steadily for almost a half hour when I realize her wine glass is empty and I reach out to refill her glass. Ouch! I jerk and jump up, making wine splash everywhere and the bottle fly and break when it lands.