by Jade Oliver
“I resolved I would never let her suffer. I asked her to meet me in two days’ time with any possessions she could not live without. When we met again, she held a single picture of her mother, who she had lost years ago to fever, and a single bag of clothing. We eloped that very night and boarded a ship for the colonies before her father could read the note explaining our indiscretions.
“We could not stay in England. Both her father and betrothed were vicious men that used their status to commit hideous crimes against women and those less fortunate than them. I swore I would protect her. I swore I would take her far away and we would start anew where no one would ever tear us or our love apart.” He laughs bitterly as he stops talking long enough to catch his breath.
He continues, his anger intertwined with sadness. “If I had only known. If I had not allowed myself the illusion of false safety. We had been in the colonies for a few months and were staying in Boston when we were found by her jilted fiancé. He taunted me with a letter saying he would claim what he owned and that we would never escape his reach. I never told her about it, insisting we leave Boston. I told her it was a main port for shipping and too easy to find us. We ran before she knew he was in Boston. I didn't want to worry her, especially with the threat of war looming between Britain and the colonies.” Thad stops and inhales a defeated, deep breath.
His voice drips with self-deprecation when he begins again, and I fear what is coming with the increased heaviness of his emotions. “After a year of living on the outskirts of Charleston, I let my guard down. I felt safe on our small farm, something I found I enjoyed and was good at. But her fiancé and his men cornered me when I was in town.
“He threatened her, the life we had built, the promises I gave her, and her safety. He ridiculed me, telling me he would kill me in front of her as a lesson to her. Then he would marry Elizabeth and remind her everyday that no matter how far she tried to run he would always find her. He would always own her. He would enjoy marking her soft silky skin with lashes.
“I lost my mind and punched him twice before his men grabbed me and beat my body until I could not stand on my own. I wish I would have fought harder. I would have taken this miserable excuse for a human being's life with my bare hands. But I didn’t.” He looks away for a moment, I think to gather his next words. When he turns back to me, his face is now filled with overwhelming anger.
“I was so stupid. When he ordered for his men to let me go, they threw me down and left. I never thought of why they left so easily or let me live. My only concern was getting to Elizabeth. I went home and paced waiting for her. I tried but failed to figure out the best way to protect my love. When I saw her walking towards the house from the window, I rushed out to greet her. Her heavenly face was alight with pure joy when she threw herself into my arms. Her voice was full of laughter and happiness as she told me ‘Oh Thaddeus, Thad my love, I have the most important news.’
“I could not spoil her mood with the ugliness of what happened so I let her tell me her news. I wished and I hoped that I knew what she was going to say. I was overjoyed when she told me she had just come from the doctor in town. He had confirmed our suspicions. After two years, she was finally with child. We had waited so long for this moment. She was carrying my child, and it was the happiest moment of our lives. By God, it was magical. I kissed her face and hugged her so tight she had to hit me to stop my squeezing. I had never wanted anything as much as her and this child and I knew in that moment I would give my life for them.
“I picked Elizabeth up into my arms and spun her around. On our third way around her laughs were interrupted by the loudest and most terrifying sound. She immediately went limp in my arms. I stopped and looked down at her to see the red spreading down the back of her light blue dress. My mind could not think and my breathing stopped. There was no way, no way. She just could not be hurt. I did not understand.”
Thad’s breathing is fast, with his body shaking and the material of the dress he holds soaked through with his tears. His grip is impossibly tight on the fragile fabric. The thin white undershirt of Thad’s shirt I wear sticks to my chest in a pool of wetness from my own overwrought emotions. The intensity of the feelings inside me are ones that I have run from most of my life. But nothing I had ever felt has been this crushing, this real and raw.
Not able hold myself back any longer, I move to Thad and wrap my arms around him as we silently sob together. After a moment, he sits straighter and is ready to proceed again. When I pull away to give him space, he tugs me closer instead, seeking out and needing my comfort.
He begins again, slow and quiet. Even being this close to him, I have to strain to hear his hoarse voice as he finishes.
“She was shot. I failed to protect her. I fell to the ground, my hands covered in her blood. I was desperate to stop the blood and find a way to save them both. But it was too late. I knew it. I felt the absence of her, of them, inside me. It was not fair. I did not get enough time. We were meant to love each other forever. We pledged our souls to the other for eternity. Two years was not eternity. It was just enough to leave me knowing what the rest of my life could have been, what it should have been. And my child. Oh my God, my child. What horrible things had I done in my life to lose my child the very moment I found out he or she existed? What kind of devil must I be?
“I felt his presence before I saw or heard him. And I knew. I welcomed the death he would bring. I wanted nothing more than to join my family in the beyond. I remained on the ground, my arms around my Elizabeth. My head lay upon her stomach where the proof of our love had lived. My purpose in life was gone.
“He walked over to me with the gun still in his hand. I refused to move as I looked at him, my eyes begging him to pull the trigger to release me from my hell. His laugh was menacing and evil, a sound I dream of to this day. He told me I would not find relief that easily. He had come to make good on his promise to kill me and claim what was his. But I managed to put her in the bullet's path. That I killed her the same as him, and now I would have to live the rest of my life not only without her but knowing I was the cause. He left me there holding her.
“My mind agreed with him, it still does. I had killed them. It was me. My fault. My failure. How could I survive without them? When the war came, I tried to use it as a way to die, and I was determined to end my life…”
His words and his pain have stripped me emotionally bare, and I am unable to take more already feeling broken, raw, and destroyed. I just want him to feel better, to release all of his brokenness, and realize he is not the failure he believes himself to be. He has shouldered the blame of another’s actions for far too long. His face is cupped in my hands, and I guide him until his distant eyes are captured by mine.
He hauntingly tells me, “It’s her’s. This dress. It’s all I have left.”
I can no longer think. My instincts take over and my hand gently tightens where it cups his cheek. The other swipes tears from his face. Only one candle is left that barely illuminates our grieving faces. The need to push myself more tightly against him takes over and all space between us evaporates as my lips press against his. He whimpers a moan, the only sound in the eerily quiet room. The smell of his musk and honey overwhelms my senses.
My mouth instinctively opens to encourage him to deepen the kiss. His tongue moves into the warmth of my mouth. His kiss shows his want and quickly becomes demanding as he takes control. The desire and need in our touch heavily penetrates the air that surrounds us. My hand moves to his hair and grips the strands roughly. He lets go of the dress, unaware as it drops onto the floor, and wraps his hands around my waist. He pulls me into him and then presses me down onto the bed.
His body stiffens and the loss of his warmth is immediate as he pulls away from me. My heart stops when he abruptly stands. “I’m sorry. So sorry, Adair, my beautiful little bird. I just cannot… I need… I must go.” With those words he leaves the room and once again shuts me out.
What have I done? Why d
id you kiss him and ruin everything, Adair?
Twenty
June 10th, 1785
Thad
Yesterday with Adair was an emotional breakthrough for me and an unexpected one at that. In the hours since I left an emotionally destroyed and stunned Adair on my bed, I’ve done nothing but think. It’s agonizing how the past is intersecting with the present, and it leaves me feeling like I have no choice but to let go and move on. I’m not sure I am fully ready to let go, or if I ever will be, but I do feel more open to the idea.
Adair and I need to spend some time together today after my emotions spilled a confession of my worst failures and memories to her yesterday. We need time to be lighthearted and enjoy each other’s company. Although Adair has only been in my life for a short time, I feel this instant connection. A connection I realized in my solitude that I want to solidify before I break its fragile beginning.
Breakfast has been a calm, quiet affair. It’s a distinct change from yesterday. My gaze moves across the table to Adair, and I ask, “Adair would you like to see the horses today? Maybe learn how we take care of them?”
She has been inquiring for a few days now, but I haven’t had time to explain or show her how we take care of them. Her face looks immediately entranced, and I can tell that she is already lost in thoughts and definitely interested. She and Toby have both loved to learn and explore since coming to the island. They ask Jasper and me endless questions about everything, and we answer them all, which just sparks more.
Her gorgeous blue eyes light up and in her excitement she grabs Toby’s arm beside her. “Of course, I would love to see the horses. They’re extra special, like big puppies,” she squeals, and her smile warms my heart.
Jasper sits next to me and I turn to him. “Would you mind showing Tobias how to water all the animals and refill each of the different water reserves?” Jasper snickers.
Tobias cuts his eyes toward me. “Why do I have the feeling I’m not going to enjoy this?” he questions with a groan, which makes Adair giggle.
“Probably because it’s hard, tedious work to haul water from the creek, but you have the muscles to do it. I’ll show Adair another time. I want her to enjoy herself today. If that is okay with you, little bird?” I ask.
“Haul water or play with the horses? Of course, I choose horses!” she says animatedly.
Toby wraps his arm around her, whispering in her ear, “Don’t have too much fun without me.” An unfamiliar envy at the ease between them hits me unexpectedly. She had been in my arms yesterday and I let her go, but I don’t plan to be that foolish again.
A while later after everyone readies for the day, Adair and I head to the horse barn.
She sweetly asks, “Thad, what is your favorite part of the farm?”
My thoughts turn to the farm, the simplicity combined with hard work the farm provides me. It allows me to sustain myself and Jasper, along with a little excess. Which means avoiding town when we need to and having something to barter or trade as well. My response reflects my wandering mind.
“I love the farm for what it does and can provide. But my favorite part is probably the horses. They give me the opportunity to take care of the farm without breaking myself. They are the strength and muscle needed to work it. The horses also give me a chance to take a break, to ride in leisure when I need to think. Other than Jasper, the horses are my companions. Mine is a deep seeded respect for them. They remain strong and majestic even after they’re broken by their owners. Jasper reminds me of them in that way. He never lost his soul to the ugliness thrust upon him. I aspire to be more like that.” My life sounds lacking, but I never thought of it that way. When I look into Adair’s blue eyes, they reflect compassion not pity.
In almost a whisper, Adair admits, “Before Toby, I isolated myself as you do, but instead of horses my books were my companions. And school. My goal was to study and make good grades, good enough to get me into college with a scholarship. And I did it. My next goal was to make the highest marks in college and get accepted into a prestigious graduate cultural anthropology program.”
When I cast her a questioning look she tells me, “It’s the study of people. I wanted to study cultures and the how and why they came to be. Why they act the way they do. And I was doing it. Well, I did it. And the day before my big break, my interview where I met Toby, I…” She trails off and looks away from me.
“What, Adair? What happened? Please tell me.” My hands in fists, I wait for her response because I want to help and to fix it for her. Take away the pain and devastation on her face. My large calloused hand reaches over and wraps around her small silky soft hand, then I intertwine our fingers. I want, no need, to touch a part of her so she knows I am here for her.
She doesn’t look at me, but neither does she pull away. Instead, she squeezes my hand and continues. “I met Brax about six months before the interview. One day he showed up where I worked, and we had an instant connection. But my family was horrible to me as I grew up. I learned to be wary of sharing any part of myself. I was cautious. Closed off. It happens differently in my time, but to use a term you might be familiar with, we courted for months after. The night before an interview that was to help me achieve one of my lifetime goals, I was intimate with Brax. I gave my whole heart to him along with my body. When I woke up the next morning, he was gone. All I had was a goodbye note from him that was unclear if he planned to come back one day or not. It broke my already fragile heart.” Tears swim in her eyes, and I want to kill the idiot that hurt her.
Adair tugs my hand, bringing me closer to her, and I wrap my arm around her waist. She snuggles into my side, and I am beyond thankful after I pulled away so abruptly yesterday. This woman has one of the biggest hearts I have ever known.
“I met Toby on my way to the interview. I was crying and upset. Not looking where I was going, and a car” — she pauses to glance up at me with a small smile before she explains — “it’s like a horse buggy without horses to drive it.”
“Like with spirits?” I question as I think of the Lucayans’ sorcery.
She shakes her head. “Not spirits. It’s too hard to explain, maybe another time. Anyway, I went to cross the street without looking, and a car almost hit me.” She must feel me tense because she quickly forges on. “I wasn’t hurt. That’s where Toby comes in. He saved me by pulling me back from the street. I fainted in his arms from the stress.”
Is she actually laughing about the experience?
“Adair, little bird, how can you laugh? I don’t know what a car is, but I have a feeling you could have been hurt severely. If it compares to a buggy, it’s very dangerous to be hit.” My arm tightens around her as I tell her this because just the thought of her in danger scares me. I can’t imagine how Toby felt.
“Oh, Thad. It wasn’t the saving part I was laughing at. It was the part when I woke up and fussed at Toby for rescuing me. I thought he was so arrogant and frustrating. But we ended up having to work together, and then we came here, to Andros. It's been an adventure since.”
As she finishes her story we enter the barn. My hold doesn’t release from her and she doesn’t pull away from me. The first stall holds a mare named Angel inside, and we make our way to her as I relay a few bits of information to Adair.
“Let her smell your hand. Get your scent. She needs to know you and get used to you if you wish to work with her.” My free hand captures her’s, with the palm facing up, to present it to the curious mare so she can smell it. This way if the mare nips, which she might, it shouldn’t hurt. The mare’s lips lightly brush over the palm of Adair’s hand, and it makes her laugh. Then the mare leans over the stall door to rub her nose in Adair’s hair and nibble it.
Adair still laughs but moves back mumbling, “Gross.”
“She likes you,” I remark. This is the gentlest horse we have on the farm, and I knew she would be a good fit for Adair.
Reluctantly, I let go of Adair and begin to show her around the barn and explain
what each item is and why we use them. Adair learns how to care for the horses. How to brush them down, how to feed them, and how to muck the stalls. My lesson includes which horses like each other and which ones are more temperamental. There is even a demonstration of how to lace a saddle onto a horse for her. We spend hours in the barn, Adair absorbing everything I say and never losing interest or fascination. She’s a quick study and I bet will be doing most of this by herself soon.
It’s midday and Adair has slowed, showing signs she is tired. From what she and Tobias have told me about their life in the future, they are not used to laborious work like here on the farm. Plus, if I am hungry she must be too.
“Adair, let’s go wash up then find the others. Are you hungry?” I suggest.
Adair blows out a breath. “That sounds fantastic. I am tired and hungry. I haven't been this physical in forever!” At my chortle, she tells me, “Get your head out of the gutter, Thad.”
“What’s a gutter, Adair?”
She laughs wholeheartedly. “It means quit thinking impure, lustful thoughts and focus. I meant physical as in working not sex, and you know it.”
On the way back we don’t speak, but our hands lightly brush against each other as we walk side by side - fingers grazing in innocent, sweet, affectionate touches. It’s a comfortable silence that I enjoy. Jasper joins us when we are close to the house and asks Adair if she would like to help with harvesting the sea grape trees after our mid-day meal. It has been noticeable lately that he seeks her company more and more. Something that stirs me with happiness.
Today has been a good day. A day of emotional recovery and stabilizing for both of us. For the first time in a long time, I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings, especially since we are taking her into town for the first time to find her a dress. A task that should prove interesting.