by Jade Oliver
I can’t lie. I’m afraid he, or whatever he’s hiding, could break my heart. But I think I am willing to risk it this time. Toby taught me that loving someone is a wonderful thing, one to be treasured not feared. Now, I just have to figure out how to ask for his trust without pushing him away because I know there is more. A pull like I have with Toby and Brax but each time feels so unique.
I know. I’m a delusional weirdo. Though, somehow I ended up 200 something years in the past so I guess insta connections are tame in comparison. Right? Well, it makes me feel better anyway.
And maybe once I do, I can shoot for the moon and finally fully gain Jasper’s trust and friendship too. Wish me luck, diary — I need it more than ever!
Eighteen
June 8th, 1785
Toby
I had no idea we’d be chopping wood when I agreed to help Thad with chores. Bloody hell. With no proper work outs since coming to Andros weeks ago, I suppose some exercise won’t hurt. A loud groan slips from me on the way to Thad and grabs his attention.
Thad looks a little intimidating as he stands all macho with his right hand lying on top of the ax and his left hand on his hip. “Tobias, good day. Happy to have you join me. Are you familiar with chopping wood? Do you still do these things where you come from?”
“We do and I’m familiar with it, but I’ve never done it myself. How hard can it be?” My shoulders shrug while scoping the area, finally finding an ax stuck in the stump a few feet from Thad. My hands wrap around the splintered wood of the ax handle and pull in an attempt to remove it from the wood.
Frustrated, a grunt escapes me. “Bolloux.” Determined not to let this best me I plant my legs firmly, square my shoulders, and grip the ax using both hands. I yank with all my strength but it will still won’t move.
Thad lets out a hearty chuckle, grasps the ax with one hand, and pulls it out effortlessly. He gives me a satisfied smile. “Tobias, it’s not just about strength but also angle and motion. Sometimes physics are more important than brute force.” The heft of the log is unexpected, causing me to snort when placing the large piece of wood on the stump. It takes me much longer, with many corrections and tutorials from Thad, before I successfully chop anything. My suspicion is that Thad asked me to help so we could talk more than anything because I’m hardly helping at all.
We chop in silence for a bit as I gather my thoughts. Not sure how I want to begin this conversation with Thad, I wait but it feels like he is waiting for me to start. My thoughts have revolved mostly around Adair’s physical and emotional attachment to these other men and theirs to her. My lack of confusion, even from the start, is surprising but it just feels right.
We’ve come to a place that practices polyandry, something both of us have studied for several years. My gut says Adair is considering the idea, and after our talk, it seems like a real possibility if Thad gets out of his own way. Jasper will come around in his own time. Her happiness is the most important, but there is no reason why we won’t be happy as well. Us being with her, together, is better than not having her at all. Plus I have a growing friendship with these men. We work well as a group. Why should anyone feel forced to limit an emotion that is as beautiful and limitless as love? But if I am going to be full in with this, like I told her I would, I need Thad to prove he wants it. He might be bigger and stronger, but no one should underestimate the lengths I will go to protect Adair’s mind, body, and soul.
When he stops to get another log, I speak up. “Thad, we need to talk. It’s important and overdue. Shall we continue as we talk or should we take a small break?”
Thad gives me an intense but resigned stare and drops his ax to the ground. Without a word, he heads to the shaded grassy area nearby and sits. “Tobias, I think I know what you want to discuss, and you’re correct, it’s time.”
It takes several cleansing breaths before I settle my thoughts. With bold confidence I begin, “Thaddeus, we both know there is something between you and Adair. We also know she and I are currently deepening our own connection. I love her and she loves me as well. It’s because of my love for her that I’m able to put her wants and needs first. I know she isn’t ready to choose between us, and I honestly don’t think it’s fair to ask her to. I know it will take time, but I am willing to see where things can go. Hell, it only took Adair and I several weeks to get to where we are, but relationships, like the individuals in them, are all different. We have to embrace these differences, including the ideas of how much time it should take to care for someone or how many people we can love.”
Thad’s face is a mask, but his eyes tell me I have made him think and consider, which is my goal.
Thad
My teeth grind together as I ponder how to reply to Tobias. A confession about my lapse in judgement is needed but some background is required before I do.
“The politics are complicated here. The natives still influence a lot of decisions on the island, but the colonists gain more substantial power everyday. Vanessa is one of the native islanders, but she has mostly abandoned her people. She is vain, cunning, vile, and a master manipulator. She will do anything she needs to get what she wants and usually succeeds.”
“But she has failed?” Toby’s question is simple, but the answer is complicated.
A grimace crosses my face and, with no choice but to answer, I begin. “Oh, I wish it were that simple. When I first arrived on the island I was confused. Lonely. I was without direction or care. I really was quite lost. After Jasper and I became acquainted, a story I hope he will feel comfortable enough to tell you one day, I had no intention to have him travel with me, but he insisted. His freedom from slavery was spontaneous and he had nowhere else to go, so he came along with me.
“We traveled to Andros Island from the American colonies immediately and searched the entire island until we found this spot and started building the farm. Vanessa came by frequently with pretty words of care and welcome. One day she stopped by and cornered me in the barn. It had been a long, exhausting day, and my brain was slowed because I was tired. She said the right words and began to touch me saying she would help ease my muscles.
“That led to more and we became intimate. It almost progressed too far before I regained my senses. I felt so guilty. It was wrong and when I told her, not for the first time, I did not want a relationship with her, her demeanor changed. She spewed various threats. She even said she would make sure to let me know she could undo all the work we had already done. And this is not the worst of it.”
Toby gives me a look of disbelief. “Seriously? That’s utter shite.”
My nod is an acknowledgement. “Are you familiar with the moral fable ‘The Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing?’” I pause, waiting until Tobias nods yes, before continuing. “ Vanessa is the sheep. She plays her role contrary to her real character and is lethally dangerous, but most people believe the surface actions and emotions she shows them.” Anger spikes inside me just thinking about her deception.
“She has all the townspeople fooled?” Toby’s eyes widen with incredulity.
“Yes, she does, and she refuses to back off Jasper or me much. The only thing that holds her is my prominence in the community because of the farm, but she remains the one with more power. However, she is not going to like a woman being here, especially one as beautiful and lovely as Adair. Vanessa sends men to my farm and surrounding areas, like the woods and caves, hoping for leverage against me.
“This is why I was so curt and rushed at the cave. I am afraid they have seen one of you. If they have, she has surely started town gossip that there are visitors on the farm. In fact, if rumors have started we need to get you some proper clothes and soon.” His eyes harden and his jaw clinches, which lets me know he has processed my words.
“Then I guess we'll just have to protect her,” Toby counters, leaving me shocked he could sound so angry. He’s normally almost as good natured as Jasper.
“That is my plan, Tobias. I started on the day we found you bot
h.” The corner of my mouth pulls up slightly just thinking of it.
Tobias sees my grin and gives me a knowing look. “Are you ready to open up to her, mate?”
With a weary sigh, my head falls against the tree and my eyes close refusing to look at him. “Vanessa is only part of the story. The other… maybe I will tell her.”
“Thaddeus.” My full name is spoken with authority causes me to give Tobias a questioning look, my eyes widened in surprise. He never speaks to me like that. Ever.
“Yes?” I inquire.
“Be ready mate.” He smirks at me.
With a raspy voice I bark, “For what?” The intention is not to be an arsehole, but his smirk is irritating and I’ve already been annoyed into having to admit my actions with Vanessa. My heart speeds up, my chest tightening, which reminds me of the secret I have yet to tell Adair.
“To fall, mate. To fall.” He stands up laughing and starts to walk off. “Come on, Thad. The wood isn’t going to chop itself.”
Who’s the arsehole now.
Nineteen
June 9th, 1785
Adair
What happened this morning at breakfast? One minute Thad was telling me I needed a dress to go into town so Vanessa or her men didn’t see me in my scandalous clothes. Next, he confessed to me what he told Toby yesterday, which caused him to completely shut down.
Now, I can’t forget the image of Thad’s handsome face contorted in anguish. But I don’t believe it was just Vanessa that made him that distressed. In fact, anything that can make him register that much hurt and despair I am not sure I want to know. He is always so controlled. A control I think he needs to have to feel comfortable in his surroundings.
Thad is a master at hiding his emotions, so I’m frazzled he’s showing how much he’s affected. However, I have put this off for as long as I can. It is well past lunchtime and the sun is fading in the sky, marking that dusk is upon us. Thad came back hours ago and I must face him. To help.
What a joke, Adair. Who do you think you are? Somebody? Wrong, you are a nobody. You can’t even help yourself. To clear the negative thoughts, I shake my head. I loathe that I allow my parents’ words to haunt me. That I allow them to make me feel less than. Now more determined than ever to prove myself, I walk to Thad’s bedroom door. You deserve his trust and more. Just breathe.
My fist makes contact with the heavy wood and it falls open just as I start to knock. Inside the dimly lit room, Thad sits on the edge of his bed entranced by a large amount of beautiful cream fabric with bright flowers scattered throughout. Is that satin? Silk? It is hard to tell as he has it balled up tightly in his fists and crushed firmly against his chest, the skirt falling into his lap.
He holds it like it’s his lifeline and the only thing keeping him afloat. It’s such an odd behavior for Thad. Although, I have to admit to myself that I really don’t know him at all, even if I feel like I somehow do. Time feels different here. It’s as if each day is longer and passes more slowly. As if we have nothing but time to get to know each other while doing chores, sitting by the fire, lounging, or exploring.
The smell of smoke from extinguished candles hits me when I walk further into the room, and I wonder how long he has been sitting here in his trance of memories. To gain his attention I clear my throat several times as I advance towards where he is on the bed. He finally looks up at me with pained filled, haunted eyes. They hold a sadness that tells me he was not ready to leave his dream world. My heart breaks a little that I was the one to make him come back to this reality.
My voice cracks when I ask, “Are you okay, Thad? I’m not even sure why but… Well, I’m worried about you. Can you tell me? Can you let me in? I promise I will do all I can to protect your trust in me. I just…”
No idea where the desperation to heal him comes from, my confidence falters. Brax helped me learn to love and Toby helped me learn how to repair my trust in love and myself. But Thad, I want to help heal him. To take the pain from his eyes, his very soul, and suck it into mine until whatever caused it can no longer steal the very core of who he is.
Confliction fills me about thinking of three different men in the moment that should belong to just Thad and me; however, I need them all. Just now do I realize how much they have changed me in their own different ways. Thad though, right now I need him to need me. For him to let go of that practiced control. With everything I am, I need him to see me and let me see him raw and unfiltered in this very moment. How fantastical it is that I hardly know him at all but I need him so voraciously. That I need this for him.
He shakes his head as if to shake off his ghosts, but his glazed eyes show the evidence that it will never be that easy. “Help me understand. Let me help you make it better. You are safe,” I whisper, but I’m not even sure he hears me.
Thad stares at me for a long moment like he’s debating whether to tell me. Whether he can trust me. My heart feels heavy with his indecision. Finally, he answers, his voice wavering as he explains.
“I’m not sure I can, Adair. I have no idea how. I failed her. How can I explain the greatest and worst experience of my life? One is tied to the other. My Elizabeth was my world. I promised to protect her always but…” He stops mid sentence and the first tear glistens as it runs a trail from his eye over his strong, chiseled cheekbone to get lost in the scruff he has grown the past few days.
All I want to do is take him in my arms. To glue his broken pieces back together with my love. But he is like a frightened baby deer on the edge of the woods. One false move and he will run and I will never get this chance again.
“Just start at the beginning. I’m not going anywhere. Please, Thad. I need to know.”
His eyes soften, and as if my words frayed the final string holding his composure in place, he nods at me. With a deep breath he looks down again and refuses to meet my eyes. His tears flow freely, but he doesn’t seem to notice. The thought of such a strong, stoic man being reduced to his current state steals the remains of my own collapsing composure.
My own cheeks are wet from crying with him before I even know the cause of his pain. My heart feels his, even though I keep reminding myself how unrealistic it is there is no denying I just feel him, his pain and love and loss. My soul recognizes his. My desperation for more is reaching its peak when he finally speaks. He seems to not even register my presence anymore as he begins his story, so fully and completely lost in the memory.
“I never planned to come to the colonies. I was quite comfortable in London. I was a part of the Court of Chancery. Very simplified, my job was to decide on and enforce common law and deal with more complicated issues of contracts between the rich to ensure equality. As I had many times before, I was tasked to create a trust that would help ensure an equitable dowry to be dispersed upon the union of two people. The trust being for the daughter of a rather wealthy and prestigious family.
“The father was quite charitable in the dowry, to the point of concern. More than once he stated he was willing to do whatever it took to ensure the marriage of his daughter to a gentleman of noble station. The gentleman in question was rumored to be ruthless and dangerous. With the conditions presented, I wondered what the man had done or wanted in exchange for his daughter. I assumed he was repaying a gambling debt, as was a common occurrence.
“In his rush to complete the details, the man failed to sign one of the trust papers. Since it was not out of my way, I stopped by his home one evening to complete our transaction. Upon my arrival, I was greeted by the most beautiful and angelic being I had ever encountered. Her father was not yet home, so she brought me to his study to wait. I am not sure what stroke of fortune came my way, but we managed to have a few minutes alone and we conversed while having tea. We had an instant connection. An intimacy saved for old friends or lovers, we spoke openly from the start.
“I realize now how inappropriate it was for me to speak with her alone, but I have no regrets. Actually, that is a lie. I have more than one regret. But she,
she will never be one. I was captured heart, mind, and soul. I knew I would live in heartbreak for the rest of my days if this creature of perfection could never be mine. But she was the Elizabeth of the union contract. I happened to be at her home that very moment working to finish the paperwork that would seal her fate to another.
“I never did figure out how she knew to disappear, but right as the door opened and her father entered the house, she did. Informed of my presence by the steward, he came directly to the study. He was tense and something felt off — false and wrong — with his need to make this marriage happen so fast, not common for high society.
“Most engagements last for several months, if not a year, before the couple is married. We conducted and finished our business quickly since he made no bother to see if the paperwork was correct. As I took my leave a servant slipped a letter in my hand, which I quickly hid under my paperwork. My heart raced. I knew it was from her.
“When I was out the door and settled into the carriage to take me home, and away from prying eyes, I read it. She had written to ask me to meet her in the woods behind her house after dark. It was scandalous and inappropriate and could ruin us both. But it would destroy her more, and her family’s reputation would be lost. However, I had no choice. If she beckoned, I was at her mercy.
“Later that night, in the woods, she told me of her father's heightening erratic behavior. That the marriage was a scam. It was a way for her father to privately pay his debt from drunken nights gambling all the family money away. He thought he would gain money and power with the marriage. He did this without regard to the fact that the man he was marrying her to was cruel and did the most horrid things. The rumors of how his last three wives met their demise terrified her.