The Heart of Andros

by Jade Oliver

  Jasper reaches across the table and lightly strokes his thumb across my hand. “Adair, I know it’s hard. Vanessa is an unpleasant woman and makes our life difficult. You coming here, well, she feels threatened by it and wants to undermine you and our relationships with you.” He pins me with an intense look. “As I told you last night, and as much as I hate it, to fight against the ball would be a very bad idea. And please, please be patient with Thad. I know he told you his story, and he probably mentioned at least some of it to you too, Toby. He must be feeling very confused and he has a lot to work through. I would bet he feels like he failed protecting someone he cares about, yet again.”

  “Jasper, I know he does. But I have a right to be upset. I thought Thad and I had a breakthrough the other day and I should be happy, but instead I feel as if we’re right back to when we first met. Even worse off, if possible. I’m here, in an unfamiliar place, just starting to feel like I am almost whole. I finally feel as if I belong somewhere — which, by the way, is a crazy idea considering I’m stuck two-hundred years in the past. All I want is for us to support each other.” My voice is flat even though I feel overwhelmed and completely exasperated inside.

  Jasper stops stroking my hand and grips it instead. “I know Adair, and so does Thad. When he returns we all need to talk. I’m not sure he’ll be ready, it may take him a few days, but he does care for you and I think — no, I know — it scares him. The emotion you evoke in him is something he hasn't felt in a long time.”

  I turn my hand over and intertwine my fingers with his for this badly needed connection. Toby must be able to tell because he moves to the empty chair next to me. Its emptiness mocks us with Thad’s absence. Toby wraps his arm around my shoulders and squeezes. “It will be okay, love. We’re all in an unfamiliar place right now, physically and emotionally, especially us. We’ve only been here a little over a week and so much has happened. You can’t expect not to feel all the things you are feeling. I am sure that Thad and Jasper” - he pauses to look at Jasper to confirm and Jasper nods his head yes before Toby continues - “feel just as unbalanced, just in different ways. Talking about having more than one partner is one thing but actually doing it is another. We’re all here for you and each other. It will take a little more time before we figure things out.”

  Damn, Toby is right. Why must he always be so reasonable and make me see the error of my irrational ways? I’m expecting too much from all of us. Thank goodness I have Toby and Jasper here to keep me grounded.

  My head now resting on Toby’s shoulder, I relax slightly. “Toby, I don’t know what I would do without you. You keep me balanced in this crazy situation we find ourselves in. I am truly blessed to have you.”

  Jasper’s eyes turn a darker green before he can hide it. Unsure of what that emotion conveys, I’ll need to consider it later. “Jasper, you too. You are another huge blessing to my life. I hope I never have to return to a life without you in it.”

  Jasper squeezes my hand one more time, then stands up. “Adair, Toby, I need to start the day. I will be in the barn if you need me.” He turns and begins to walk out the door.

  Wondering if my comment was a good idea, I start to say something more to him but Toby lays his hand on my thigh and squeezes, indicating for me to stay quiet. When Jasper is out of hearing range I ask, “Why did you stop me Toby?”

  Toby turns his chair to face me and studies my face as if searching for an answer before he explains, “Adair, remember when I told you that I would be here for you, always, no matter who you love?”

  “Yes.”

  Toby reaches out and holds my hands in his, then pulls them up to kiss them. “Remember, Adair, I was talking about Thad as well as Brax and possibly Jasper.” Toby halts my protest by putting his finger across my mouth to prevent me from speaking. “Adair, my love, you still have feelings for Brax. You can be angry, he deserves it and more, but I know in your heart you feel something happened that caused him to leave. If I ever get the chance to meet him, I will struggle with my own anger, but I trust you Adair. I have no doubt you will make him earn it. But even if you make it easy or choose not to let him back in I will be there supporting you.”

  Toby’s chest looks welcoming, so I lay my forehead against him and mumble, “Thank you Toby. I still don’t understand what’s happening with Thad and me, especially since he is not here to talk with me. As for Jasper, I feel conflicted. He has become a friend and is someone I need in my life. But I need to figure things out with Thad first before I consider how I feel about Jasper as more than friends. He’s so guarded. How would I even know if he feels the same for me?”

  Toby laughs, making my head bounce on his chest. “My love, that man looks at you and wants more. But he doesn’t know what to do with you or his feelings. He hasn't had an easy life and by the way he acts I doubt he has much relationship experience. If I had to guess, I would say he is scared. But the way he looks at you and speaks to you leaves no doubt in my mind how he feels or that he wants you or wants more.”

  “So, what should I do Toby?” I snuggle even deeper into his chest for the comfort he always provides me.

  “Nothing love. Let it come naturally. You already have enough going on. Your relationship with each of us will be different, okay? So don’t stress about it. We’ll figure things out together.”

  Together. That has a fantastic ring to it.

  Jasper

  “Adair, you must lift your leg over the horse and then sit down. You can adjust your feet in the stirrups later,” Toby explains once more. The job of trying to help, or least monitor, her and Toby’s attempt to improve their riding skills is challenging because I am not the person that should be doing this. Someone can work well with the horses but not be comfortable with riding — like me. Despite what I told Adair earlier, I am disappointed in Thad’s disappearance. I had hoped Adair’s presence would help him and keep him here after the issues with Vanessa, but perhaps it made it harder on him.

  A weary sigh leaves me when Toby, once again, has to catch Adair from falling off Angel before she ever actually mounts. At least Adair has been spending time with the mare and the mare is docile. Otherwise this situation might be more dire. The oddity is Adair rides beautifully but can’t seem to get on the horse by herself.

  It’s time for me to intervene in a more intimate way. The other men seem to know I want Adair even if she doesn’t see it. My hope is they will work out their relationship before anything develops between us, if it ever does. It’s both torture and pleasure to spend time with her and I try not to touch her much.

  I’m glad I have a lot of self restraint.

  Now, I have to physically touch her to help her mount the horse and I can’t help but think she will know. That my body’s reaction to her closeness might give me away.

  Neither acknowledge me as I get closer, and I think they don’t notice my presence until Toby speaks. “Jasper, mate, please tell her that she needs to grab the horn, put her left foot into the stirrup, then swing her leg over the horse’s back.”

  “Toby, I know what to do. I’m just having trouble actually doing it! I am short. My leg doesn’t want to swing up and over without bumping into Angel’s ass!” Adair sounds aggravated but more at herself than Toby. She turns toward me with stormy blue eyes and her nose scrunched up in distaste. She looks adorable, and I feel my lips tilt into a smile. She must notice because she demands, “Finding something funny are you, Jasper?”

  “No, Adair. I just think you’re beautiful like this.” That stuns her into silence, and I take advantage of her distraction. She’s never pulled away from my touch before, so I feel silly to think of how it would hurt for her to do so now, but I do. My hands wrap around her calf and put it into the stirrup, then I lift her left hand and place it around the saddle horn. “Squeeze it Adair. The problem is you are not holding it tight enough.” Toby snickers and that prompts Adair to glare at him, which in turn makes me laugh aloud before I continue. “Now, use the hard ground to pus
h up and down until your momentum gets you off and over Angel’s back. Your left foot should brace you so that you do not flounder. You always let your foot slip before.” Being this close to her, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to have my hands on her silky, bare skin.

  “All right, Jasper, I trust you. But so help me, if you let me fall…”

  “I’ll never let you fall, Adair.” She must hear the sincerity in my voice because she smiles at me then turns around to do as I asked.

  Adair begins to lift herself when she stumbles and falls back into my arms. I wrap myself around her and hold her tight so she doesn’t fall, only to feel her shaking against me.

  What the hell?

  “Adair?” It comes out a question, but when I see what captures her attention I understand. Thad has returned, but my gladness over it quickly saddens me when he barely looks at any of us when he passes by. “Jasper, I need to speak with you. Please join me soon.” He completely ignores her and Toby. The rejected look on her face will haunt me for a long while. It hits me that I would take lashes once more to avoid seeing that look on her face ever again.

  Toby walks over to us and pulls her into a hug, whispering, “Let’s go inside, my love. Its looks like it might rain soon anyway.”

  “But what about Angel? I have to take care of her and the gear,” she tells him.

  “Don’t worry, Adair. I’ll handle it.” It appears that my anger is hidden from her because she doesn’t respond to it. Although, I plan to handle a lot more than the gear when I find Thad.

  “Thanks, Jasper. I’ll go start dinner with Toby. I think we have it figured out now.” Toby mock shudders that makes her laugh and shove him. At least the crestfallen look is gone from her face.

  Angel easily follows me to the barn, and when we enter, I immediately see Thad brushing down his horse, Dexter. I quietly put Angel in her stall and begin to care for her but don’t speak, afraid I might lose my temper, which rarely happens. However, it is obvious that Angel can sense the tension coming from me because she begins to shuffle away and pulls her ears back. Shite. I try to relax my body so she doesn’t hurt herself or me. I take a few deeps breaths and murmur soothing words to her that seem to help.

  This morning I was understanding because I knew he needed to find a peaceful place to think about everything and how Adair’s, and even Toby’s, presence has caused our lives to change. However, that’s no excuse for Thad to ignore either of them just now, especially knowing how on edge she has been.

  “I know you’re irate. I’m angry at myself.” His voice thunders across the quiet space and startles the horses.

  “Why?” I ask without needing to explain my question further.

  “I was afraid to say anything. What am I supposed to do, Jasper? I care much more than I show, but last night I did nothing to stop Vanessa’s verbal abuse of any of you. What kind of man am I to do that? What kind of person am I to ask for a second chance I don’t deserve?” Thad refuses to look at me.

  “Are you ashamed of your actions?” I press.

  He quickly looks up at me. “Yes! How else should I feel?” he shouts. His eyes hold a turbulence that I understand. He thinks he’s already lost Adair and that he is unable to protect her just like Elizabeth.

  “Thad, you haven’t lost her. But you might. You need to express how you feel about her and last night. She will understand. Did you know that she wanted to listen and forgive you? Until you ignored her. Now… Well, now you have yourself a problem to fix.” My voice is a mixture of annoyance and patience.

  I walk over to him and gently pull him into a hug. He lets me hold him and even wraps his arms around me too. We stand and allow our interlocked bodies to comfort the other. “Thad, quit trying so hard. Adair sees you for who you are. All she wants is for you to be honest. To make a decision about your relationship with her and stick to it. I know Vanessa is a problem, one we’ll have to solve, but first you must decide if you want Adair.”

  Thad tightens his arms around me, then drops them and steps back from me. He grabs my face with his hands and lightly brushes his lips across mine. “Thank you, Jasper,” he whispers before he leaves the barn.

  I just hope Thad swiftly figures out what he wants.

  Twenty-Three

  June 14th, 1785

  Thad

  How did this happen? My life was uncomplicated and I was fine. Well, minus the Vanessa situation, which I had mostly under control. Vanessa finding out there is a woman here was an epic disaster. To say she is upset is an understatement of large proportions, especially when I have to listen and endure a tongue lashing, and not the good kind.

  If I were a less determined man I’d have already given in. Her power in this town is great and she has the ability to make our lives more complicated, but as a result she underestimates us. There is no hint as to what triggered Vanessa’s obsession with me, but for Adair and me to have a chance, I have to find a way to be rid of Vanessa.

  After dealing with Vanessa, I took some time to myself with the intent to make a decision once and for all, and I realized I really do want something with Adair.

  As I cross the yard, I see Adair staring at the wood barrel like it might jump and bite her. “Adair, may I be of assistance? What exactly are you trying to accomplish, little bird?” Her petite, slender frame, with the slightest of womanly curves from head to toe, makes me imagine her as a magical, fiery little bird. A light chuckle and a grin escape me as I ponder if maybe she is.

  “Are you laughing at me?” Adair asks with the most adorable pout on her lips, lips that are made to kiss.

  Lips made to kiss me.

  “Never. I just want to see if I can help you. You look perplexed.”

  I walk closer to Adair, on the edge of invading her personal space. She stands up straight, squares her shoulders, and looks me directly in the eye. Shite, she is so beautiful.

  Her voice squeaks as she explains, “I need to do some laundry. I am out of…” She trails off and blushes, which is a rare sight from Adair and one that makes my cock twitch in my breeches. “Of. Um. Underthings,” she stampers.

  “Beautiful. You are not shy. What’s with the whole bashful act?” We have lost some of the progress gained in our relationship and it’s my fault. Adair doesn’t answer me. Instead, she just stands there wearing a disheartened look on her face.

  It takes me a minute, but I realize her change is because of the other day and growl, “Vanessa.” Adair looks at me but doesn’t say more. She holds back her curiosity, most likely caused by the look of disdain I’m sure shows on my face, coupled with how I have acted the last few days. She reaches out tentatively, like she wants to comfort me, but stops. I grasp her hand and bring it to my cheek and lean into her touch.

  “Thad. I think— ”

  Before she can vocalize what I am not fully ready to acknowledge yet, I interrupt. “Let me help you. Normally we do the wash all at once because it’s quite a chore, but for you I shall make an exception.” Jasper had already planned on doing the wash today, so everything should be set, but I don’t inform her of this.

  With a pointed look as I reach down to gather the pile of undergarments I say, “First you need boiling water. Let me check to see that we have some going. Jasper or I usually start the day making sure the fire is started, and most days we set water to boil as you never know what might arise.”

  With a wink, I walk over to make sure there is water already boiling. “How fortunate for you that Jasper is not so distracted he neglected his morning chores. The lye water next to the fire is even still hot.” Either the Jasper reference, the way we launder, or that I am not running the other way upon seeing her makes her face pull so tight. I overlook it regardless because I am not prepared to answer two out of the three, and grab her hand to pull her to the fire.

  You are a coward. You expect it from her but refuse to give it in return.

  “It’s much hotter than I expected!” Adair exclaims.

  Her undergar
ments, if you can actually call these scraps underthings, are slowly added into the boiling water one at a time. “Grab that stick over there so we can stir them in the water.” She reaches for it but trips over a rock and falls. “Adair, are you okay? Are you hurt?” I sit on the ground, pull her into my lap, and look her over for injuries.

  “I am fine, Thaddeus. Please, let me go,” Adair grinds out from between clenched teeth, her face reddened. Adair tries to quickly pull away from me but instead of letting her go, I pull her tighter against me.

  “There, there, little bird.” I whisper against her ear while rocking in a soothing motion. “I don’t see anything seriously wrong.”

  Adair whips her head around, her eyes glowing with angry heat. “You really want to know what is wrong with me? Are you sure about that? No, I didn’t seriously hurt myself from this particular fall but I am hurt from another fall. A fall I had no control over but yet happened anyway.” Her voice cracks as she finishes, “And just when I thought I’d be caught I was ignored and hurt repeatedly. What is wrong with me Thad? What will it take to be wanted the way that I want and for my heart to be protected with the love, care, and concern I give to others? The only person to ever offer me that is Toby.”

  She lets out an angry growl. “Tell me, please, I need to know. Why am I not good enough for you? Why did you let me have hope that, even if complicated, there could be a you and me, only to walk away like it was nothing? It’s so easy for you and my heart is shattering inside while I do every damn thing I can to not let you see. To be as cold and unfeeling. But I can’t anymore. I’ve never been good at pretending.”