by Jade Oliver
I’ve decided since we’re close to going into our fourth week here, that my focus is going to be on Jasper. Despite my spontaneous moment with Brax, he will have to wait. He can wait for me to be sure, to be ready to forgive, and he must know it will be awhile before I can. He is no longer my only.
I feel a tad guilty because after knowing what I know now, I don’t think he would’ve ever been enough to truly fulfill me. I realize now I need all of them and they need me, and the others, in different ways, just as fiercely. Brax breaking my heart led me to Toby, to Thad, and to Jasper. Where we have all found ourselves healing past demons, abundant love, and a real family. Our hearts feel healed and healing has fused us together. It might be dramatic, but diary, is it ever true. I think I have found my heart in Andros.
No need for luck this time! Just wish me a fun time, diary! The men are calling for me. It’s beach time and I can’t wait to spend time with my guys!
Adair
The sun and breeze feel wonderful on my exposed skin. Right now I wear my jean shorts and tank top, similar to what I wore when we arrived here. But underneath is my swimsuit.
Thank goodness most of our stuff came through with us in our camping backpacks. I’d hate to see what they’d give me to wear if not, and beaching nude isn’t happening. If they feel it’s safe enough in this little hidden cove, who am I to argue.
“My little bird, do you want to get in the water?” asks Thad from beside me. Toby and Brax have already sprinted into the ocean and begun to splash each other. Jasper slowly makes his way to the water’s edge but stops and watches the other two. I can’t see his face but his shoulders aren’t tense and he seems more relaxed than usual.
“I will in a minute, but I need to apply sunscreen first. Toby applied his at the house, but I needed to wait until I undressed.” I explain this to him as I squat to set my pack on the ground and dig through it to find the lotion. I pull the bottle out, lay it in the sand, and stand back up. I begin to undress and pull my shirt over my head without thought to the guys’ reaction.
It’s not until I hear a groan from the beach that I remember that while everyone here has seen me naked, and I’ve been intimate with three of them, only two of them know how sexy a swimsuit can look on a woman. I look toward the groan, which I now assume came from Jasper, and see his fists clenched and that his eyes have turned a darker shade of jade displaying his desire.
“Adair, what are you doing?” Thad whispers beside me.
His voice breaks mine and Jasper’s stare so I turn back to Thad, but not before I see both Toby and Brax smile at me. “I have to get undressed. I explained this at the house. I told you my swimsuit would look like undergarments for women.” I unbutton my shorts then reach to slide them off, but Thad puts his hand over mine, stopping me.
“Adair, must you take your shorts off too?” His voice sounds strained. He looks at Jasper with his face etched with concern.
“Yes, my shorts too. Are you going to let me?”
Thad looks down at his hands, then to Jasper who wears a pensive look on his face, and finally to Toby and Brax, who both nod their heads yes. He slowly lets go and I slide them down my legs. I hear a loud splash and turn to see Jasper run into the surf and swim out until the water is about waist deep on him. He stands in the ocean and faces away from us. I knew Thad and Jasper might react to seeing so much of my body but I thought it wouldn’t be too much of an issue since they have already seen me naked.
Thad lets out a breath that sounds like he’s been holding in and replies, “No, little bird. Jasper’s not upset. Just surprised, as I am, about the way you look in the clothing. We’ve seen most of the villager woman dressed in lesser clothing, but we aren’t attracted to them like we are to you. It doesn’t make their bodies look like yours. Your breasts are plump and full and your forbidden female area and round, shapely behind are highlighted by the triangles that are only held together by flimsy strings. He won’t touch you yet because he doesn't fully have you, but he wants to, badly. You did nothing wrong. Jasper just needs a moment to, shall we say, adjust.” Thad reaches over, pulls me into him, and kisses the top of my head. “Now, what is this lotion and why are you using it?”
I sense something out of the corner of my eye. Brax and Toby. They’ve almost walked all the way to us. Both of them laugh when they hear Thad’s question. “Shut it. Both of you,” I tell them.
“What my love? This should go over just as smoothly as your swimsuit did,” Toby says jokingly. Brax just smirks at Toby’s remark.
I roll my eyes and separate from Thad, reach down and pick up the bottle, then turn my back from the beach to face him. “It’s a lotion to help keep my skin from being burnt by the sun.” I open the bottle, show Thad what it looks like, and begin to rub it on my body.
“It smells like coconuts,” Jasper notes. His comment makes me jump. I hadn’t even realized he had walked back to us.
“Yes, it has coconut oil in it.” I continue to rub the lotion in, then ask the guys if one of them would like to help me put some on my back.
“Me.” It surprises me that Jasper volunteers so quickly.
Thad glances at Jasper and asks, “Does it remind you of Ashbourne’s special rub that he makes for the villagers?”
Jasper leans down and rubs his nose along my neck and inhales. His warm breath sends tingles across my shoulders and down my body. It takes a lot of willpower to hold in my moan. “Yes, but the smell is different. Her’s is less pure.”
He rubs his hands together and begins to apply the lotion to my back. I’ve always wondered why the movies make this seem like a sensual experience and now I know the reason. It fuels attraction and feels like foreplay. This time I can’t hold in the low moan and let it out slowly as I close my eyes. I can feel my body as it flushes with desire. Jasper’s calloused hands massage me deep and caress me; it feels so good. I relax muscles I didn't know were sore.
“Love, I think it’s time we all take a dip, then have the guys show us how to spearfish,” Toby declares.
“Fine,” I say as I open my eyes again. “First one in the water gets to kiss me.” I see all four men’s eyes widen, and I let out a belly laugh as they all rush towards the water. They shove and jockey for a better position. Unhurriedly, I follow them to enjoy their laughter and camaraderie and to relish that I get to watch four handsome men play fight for my attention. I wanted to lighten the mood after that intense moment when Jasper first saw me undress then applied the lotion to my body.
I’m surprised to see Brax reach the water first. He doesn’t gloat, instead he looks apprehensive. “What is it Brax?” I have no clue as to why he would be worried.
Brax clears his throat and glances at the others before he looks back to me. “Adair, are you sure?”
“Brax, I wouldn’t have made the bet if I wasn’t,” I reply calmly. I’m trying to piece together the emotional gap between us despite what happened last week. Though my focus should be on my relationship with Jasper, and it is, Brax is a part of it too. A large part of this relationship we are attempting to figure out together, so it doesn’t feel right to always leave him out.
A few short strides bring me to where he stands in the water, and I stop directly in front of him. He stares down into my eyes and studies my face before he raises his hands to cup my face. “Adair, I want to earn your kisses the right way. By and with your forgiveness. I’ll save this win for after I win your heart back.” He leans down and kisses my nose, then lets me go.
I feel my heart pitter patter and know I’m closer to forgiving him than I thought.
Thirty
June 28th, 1785
Jasper
After about an half hour of what Adair calls “playing” in the surf, Thad and I teach Toby and Brax how to spearfish while Adair watches. I surface from another dive when I hear her call out, “Guys, I’m going to head in. I’m tired and want to relax some. I think I’ve had enough spearfishing for the day.”
I swim towards
the break line so I can pull myself out of the deeper water. No need to be in there longer than necessary. So far we haven’t caught any fish. Our focus is to show the others what to do because once blood enters the water the sharks will come out of hiding in a frenzy.
“Adair, I don’t want you on the beach by yourself, just in case someone happens by. One of us will go with you,” Thad commands. I just shake my head at him in exasperation. I know he doesn’t mean to sound so controlling but every time he is concerned about Adair’s safety his worry and stress comes out in a demand.
I glance at Adair to see her reaction and instead of being angry, she walks over to where he stands in the water and lays her hand on his arm. She leans up and whispers something to him that makes him close his eyes and let out a deep sigh. She’s remarkable. I remember how the two of them clashed when we first met because each wanted to control the situation along with their emotions. Now, they have a rhythm that I yearn to have with her. Toby has it and even Brax does to a certain extent because of their previous relationship.
Thad turns to address the rest of us. “Does anyone want to go back to the beach with Adair or should I go?”
“Well, I was hoping to actually catch a fish or two for dinner,” Brax tells him.
“Me too, mate, unless Adair needs us,” Toby says and looks at Adair for her answer.
“No guys. I only need one of you to come back with me. To ease Thad’s concern for my safety. Since you two want to stay, Thad can continue to teach you if Jasper doesn’t mind coming with me?” Adair turns to look at me with those big blue eyes of hers. They have this purple tint to them in the sunlight and the ocean’s water reflecting off them makes them shine.
Damn. When I look at her like this, her beautiful, smooth skin on display, I fall that much more deeply for her. I want her so much but I am still just a friend. I have restrained from touching her much since Brax came back because I’m unsure of where I stand with her, but I’m not sure how much longer it will last. For now though, it’s the role I have to play.
“I don’t mind Adair. Come, we can go rest.” Feeling the need to make her laugh, I quirk my lips in small smirk and say, “Let Thad catch dinner while he plays with the sharks.”
Instead of pulling a laugh from her kissable lips, I have done the opposite. She lets out a little gasp of dismay. “Sharks? I thought you said they would mostly stay away. What do you mean he will play with the sharks?”
Thad, Toby, and Brax all glare at me for speaking so openly with her though I was half joking. Or trying to. I’m not used to bantering with others, even Thad, so my social skills are lacking.
“I just meant that once the guys catch a fish the sharks might come out more. So far we’ve only seen nurse sharks which aren’t aggressive. But they can look out for each other. There are three of them, they’ll be fine. Usually it’s just the two of us, or even just one of us. Much easier the more people you have.” I hope that my words calm her fears.
Her attention darts from guy to guy and the concern on her face does not fade. “Please be safe,” she says softly, before she grabs my hand and pulls me to the shore. I will finally be alone with her again, and one thought runs through my mind. I hope I don’t miss this chance.
A few minutes later we are back to the beach and Adair sets out a blanket. As she takes a seat on the material, she pats the spot beside her. “Sit with me, Jasper. You don’t have to stand there like a skittish foal.”
I carefully lower myself to sit next to her and relish how it feels to be near her. It’s the first time I’ve been this close and alone with her since the night in the bar when we kissed.
Adair lies back and covers her eyes with her hand, trying to block the sun as she looks at me. “In the future there is a game called twenty questions where each person asks a question and the other answers. Usually, the questions start off light, less invasive, but become more serious the closer we get to the twentieth question. Will you play this game with me? I want to get to know you like I do the others.”
I want to get to know you like I do the others. All I can feel is disbelief that this beautiful creature wants me. I feel so damaged sometimes. “Yes, of course. Who begins the game?”
Adair smiles at me and reaches for my hand. “I will.”
We recline leisurely on the blanket as we ask each other questions and ease into a relaxing conversation. She asks me the weirdest questions — like what’s my favorite color — so I follow her lead and ask the questions back to her. I feel like we’ve actually gotten to know more about each other.
We’re on the last question when she asks, “Jasper, I know what happened to Thad. Will you tell me about you? Not everything if you don’t want to, but I want to understand you.”
I hesitate before I speak, afraid she’ll reject me if she knows about my past, but I’m determined to not keep things from her. I saw the damage it did to Adair and Thad’s relationship when they first met because he was afraid of his feelings for her and to let her in. “I will if you close your eyes. It’ll be easier for me to tell you.” When she does, I let go of her hand and look toward the water, not really seeing anything but my past, and begin.
“I was born the slave of a wealthy family. My mother was a house servant and my father the family’s oldest son, who died shortly before I was born. When I was still little, what I guess to be 3 to 5 years old, the owner sold my mother when it became apparent that I was his bastard grandson. I can still remember her face the day she left. It was red and her eyes were swollen from crying. She used to hum a song to help me sleep.”
I start to hum it, thinking of my mother. Adair leans over and rests her hand on my knee, squeezing it in silent support. I suck in a breath and continue. “The owner decided to keep me. He put me to work as I became older but never told me my connection to him. Not even before he died. I didn’t learn of it until many years later when his wife could finally sell me to the highest bidder. She hated me and took great enjoyment when she told me about my past.
“After I was sold I was lucky, at first. I worked on a farm that housed a former slave. The owner was kind in his own way, and told me ‘You earn your freedom here.’ The former slave, Amos, took me into his care. He taught me that I was better than my status. He taught me to read and write, the little that he knew. But a few years later the owner died. Though Amos wanted to take me with him when he left, it’s rare for slaves to buy other slaves, and he couldn't afford me.”
I tense when I think about what came afterwards. It’s a time in my life that I wish I could forget. I had been blinded by my prior circumstances, and of never having to face the harsh consequences of my masters’ moods. I knew I was a slave, but I hadn't been treated as a slave until Nicholas Barrett the 3rd. I feel Adair turn sideways to face me, but I continue to stare out at the ocean. I can't look at her. If I do, I will fall apart to see pity in her eyes. Possibly disgust. Only once have I ever told this story, to Thad. I refused to speak with him for several days afterwards.
“My new owner’s name was Nicholas. He was a cruel man. Not only to his slaves but to his family. If we made one mistake we were whipped. I’d never felt the crack of a whip on my skin until him. I will forever remember the feel of the sting and the coppery smell of my gushing blood.
“The first time he whipped me was because I didn’t finish chopping the wood fast enough. The second time was when I was caught outside the slave quarters bathing without permission. The third time was because I didn’t shine his boots good enough. He didn’t complain until after he got mud on them but still blamed me for the mess. The accusations, the blame — the consequence was always the whip, only the number of lashes changed.”
I stop and take a deep breath. Fuck. This next part is the hardest and I hate it. It’s my worst memory and brutal to relive it. It haunts me in my nightmares every night, and when I talk about what happened they become worse, more real.
“After about a year, I noticed two things. The first was that Nicholas o
wned a lot more younger male servants than he did female servants. I was naive and believed it was because the male slaves were generally larger and stronger and he could own less slaves to work the fields but get more work accomplished. There were rumors that he enjoyed the men, boys really, for sex, but I didn’t believe it. It was a taboo subject, and as I discovered the hard way, I’d been sheltered. I’d only been with a few women and they were slaves too, which were just fleeting moments to find fulfillment.
“The other thing I noticed was his daughter. She was beautiful, but he kept her locked in a gilded cage — the manor house. I would watch her when she stared out her bedroom window, gazing into the river like she wanted to get swept away into it. Unknown to me, the owner had seen me watching her. Instead of a beating, he decided to punish me by taking from me what he said I wanted to take from what belonged to him.”
Adair gasps and I finally look at her. Her face looks devastated and she is crying silently. However, instead of pity, her eyes are a blue flame of fire ready to erupt from anger on my behalf.
“Did he rape you?” she whispers.
“No. But not because he didn’t try. His plan was to take me into town and sell me, but we stopped along the way. He tied me up and shoved me toward the ground; his whip started to hit me before I’d fallen all the way down. When I was beaten bloody, he told me, ‘Now, your true punishment will begin. I get something I want from you,’ and he started to pull down my breeches. I was a strong young man, but I couldn’t fight. I was barely aware of what was happening. Before he could violate me, Thad came upon us.
“All I remember before I passed out from blood loss and pain, is what I heard: the shuffle between the two and Nicholas' threats to have Thad arrested for harboring a runaway slave. When I woke up, I was lying on the ground next to a fire where a strange white man stared at me. He told me, ‘You’re free now. I bought and paid for you. In the morning we will go our separate ways. I will send you with food and a water pouch. I would head north if I was you. Or get yourself lost in these woods.’ I can remember how cold and terrified I was of being found, even if I had been freed. I remembered how lonely Amos had been and how hard his life was as a freed slave. I decided to ask Thad if I could go with him. I at least knew he would not hurt me.