Dance with Destiny

by Becky Lower

  “Hannah is smart enough in the ways of the woods to figure out there was someone in the forest, observing her. She’s very resilient, something you taught her. When the man returned day after day yet didn’t threaten her, she figured he wasn’t going to hurt her. So, she asked him to reveal himself, and they became friends. I never would have been aware he was living on our mountain had you not re-enlisted. It would have remained Hannah’s secret. She was content to let him live in the woods and never reveal himself to the rest of us.”

  “Did he enter the house? Did he eat at my table?”

  “He never once spent the night in the house, despite what picture Sully has placed in his little, dirty mind. He made a bed for himself in the barn, just as the other times we’ve hired out help. He worked as hard as you used to do, catching meat in the woods, stocking wood, helping Jacob take care of the livestock. He was an enormous help to us.”

  William stared again at the baby, now sleeping peacefully in his arms.

  “Why do I feel there’s something you’re not telling me? Something to do with this child.”

  Susannah jumped up and began to stir the clothing in the cauldron. She needed to put some distance between them if she were to reveal what had happened the night of Missouria’s birth. A pot of boiling water and a fire should be enough of a barrier. William was too weak to charge at her and do bodily harm, but his words could still wound. She hoped he could see she had no other choice that night. She took a deep breath and a leap of faith.

  “Raoul planned to leave once he thought we had enough stockpiled away to get through the winter, but I had an uneasy feeling about the impending birth, so I asked him to stay until I delivered the child, and he agreed. When I went into labor, the pass was already closed, so I only had Hannah and Jacob to rely on. I’ve been witness to enough births by this point to figure out I was in trouble. The baby wasn’t positioned properly, and needed to be turned, if I had any hope of surviving the birth. It would take more strength than Hannah and Jacob had to accomplish it, so I asked for Raoul’s help.”

  William’s head snapped up and he pierced Susannah with his eyes.

  “You let this man, this stranger, this Indian, see you naked? You let him into our bedroom? And Sully is aware of what went on? No wonder he was in such a hurry to get me up here.”

  “Raoul did not see me naked, only my belly was exposed. He put his hands on my stomach and applied pressure. Once the baby got repositioned, he left the bedroom. He didn’t witness the birth. Hannah assisted me, just as she did for George’s birth. That’s all that happened.”

  She could tell William was upset by the little amount she had revealed about the birth, so she kept to herself how many hours Raoul had spent in the bedroom that day. And how she had placed her hands over the bruises he had caused with his manipulations in the days that followed, reliving his touch. How she had admired him before Missouria’s birth, but how her feelings had swiftly changed into love, afterward.

  William ran his hand over his face, weariness beginning to set in.

  “So Sully has decided this child is the Indian’s, since you allowed him to name her?”

  "Had Raoul not been here to turn the baby, both she and I would have died. The children would have been left alone on this godforsaken land to fend for themselves. To either die or become wild mountain children. He saved my life, and that of the baby. So it was only fitting that he be given the privilege of naming her."

  "Yes, I can see your logic, but how could you place such a name on her? She will be tormented every day when she goes to school. People will talk and will draw conclusions. Even if those conclusions are false, rumors will still be around. You’ve seen how this town is.” He glared at her, although the hard glance was made weak by his illness. “And even though you and I can admit it was your only course of action, that still doesn’t make it right.”

  “So you would rather I had died that night?”

  “It might have been better—although I, for one, am glad you are still with us.”

  "We can call her by her middle name, if it would make you feel better. She can be called Belle while we’re in town, if that’s what you’d prefer, even though she’ll always be Missouria to me. And if there are any rumors and false conclusions to be drawn, our good friend Sully would be the one to start them. Both you and Sully should be grateful Raoul found his way here, and was able to save my life, since there was no one else who could. Just as the two of you did your part for the war, so did Raoul."

  Susannah left the fire and returned to William’s side. She bent over and kissed Missouria’s forehead before she glanced at her husband.

  William’s weak gaze flitted over her face, searching for answers. "And her last name? Should it be mine, or someone else's?"

  Susannah gasped and then bristled, as she pierced her frail husband with her eyes. "What, exactly, are you implying? That I turned to another the moment you left? Because I would have had to, in order for this child to be born in December. Or maybe that I was having relations with someone even before you left? Do you truly feel I’m a wanton woman, William?"

  William raised his hand, as if to ward off her barrage of questions, and coughed. When his spasm stopped, he wiped his mouth and returned her gaze. "No, Susannah. Well, perhaps, some of it. I have no doubt you were faithful before I left. But you were also very angry with me for enlisting. I sensed it the day I left, and I read it in your letters, even though you tried hard to conceal it. So, if a strapping Indian showed up here, I could see you being attracted to him. And you allowed him to see you in childbirth. You've never even let me see you during the times you gave birth, before."

  Susannah stood and stalked over to the fire, where she began to pull the hot clothes one at a time from the water and apply soap and brush to them. Her anger gave her strength and she attacked the stains with vigor. Her brush sang against the washboard. Tears blinded her, running down her cheeks and into the cauldron. After several minutes, she finally turned back to William.

  "You are the only man I've ever had relations with. I shouldn't even have to mention that. The child is yours, William, despite her name and appearance. And, as I have explained, without the ‘strapping’ Indian's strong hands, she never would have been born, and we both would have died. You would now be a widower, and your children would not have a mother."

  William stared at her for a long moment before he pulled the quilt around him and coughed again, stronger this time. "So you’ve said. I should go in soon. The wind is picking up."

  "I'll help you in a minute."

  Susannah was grateful that the questions were ending—at least, for now. No answer seemed enough to squash William's suspicions. She dried her hands, took the baby, and helped William to his feet. Once she got him back inside, she began to tuck him into his bed.

  He reached for her hand as he began to drift off. "Where is this Indian now, Susannah?”

  She shook her head. "I have no idea. He's gone. He left right after Christmas, shortly after Missouria was born."

  "I'm not going to make it, despite your efforts."

  Tears formed again in her eyes, and she blinked them away. "Hush, William. You're getting stronger each day. It may seem an endless road to recovery and take you a while, but you will get better. You did not return to us merely so we could witness your death. You will recover from this, because we need you. Our children need their father, and I need you beside me again. As I said when you left, we are only good if we can face our hardships together."

  “And I need all of you. I missed my family every day. There was not a moment, in camp, while hiking from one location to another, while patrolling the White House, when I didn’t have you and the children foremost in my mind. I’m well aware of the sacrifice I asked of you by answering the call to duty. I’m only sorry you can’t see the sacrifice I made by leaving all of you behind. And I’m sorry it took me getting sick to return to our home.”

  Susannah pulled the covers up over h
im and fluffed his pillow, reluctant to leave his side. The laundry could wait until he fell asleep. As he was nodding off, he said one more thing, something that chilled her more thoroughly than a winter blast.

  "Missouria may be mine by blood, but she's the Indian’s by birth. I hope you will find him again, when the time is right."

  Susannah only released his hand when he drifted off to sleep. She sat beside him, stroking his hair back from his brow and stared at him for a long time. The odor of infection and illness had faded somewhat from when he first arrived, but he still had a long way to go to be fully recovered. She would do whatever it took to get him well.

  William spoke the truth, however. Missouria was Raoul's child by birth. And even though William did not put it into words, Susannah could tell he was aware she now shared her heart with another as well as him. She would have to find a way to live the rest of her life with only one-half of her heart functioning. Find a way to lock the memory of Raoul and their time together away, and devote herself only to William again. And maybe, just maybe, in a few months or a few years, she would find a way to give her entire heart to William once more. Her husband deserved nothing less.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  Both the March sun and William became stronger as each day passed. Days turned into weeks as the color returned to his cheeks and his appetite improved. He began to put on some weight and the gaunt appearance he’d had when he first arrived began to fade. Just as the earth was coming back to life, so was William. He was beginning to again resemble the man Susannah had first sent off to war.

  She finally let go of her fear that he would perish in his sleep. She no longer needed to keep a vigil over him every night, and decided the time was right for her to regain her position beside him in bed. After the children were asleep, she washed the day’s grime from her body, took her hair down from the messy bun she’d had it in during the day, brushed it until it gleamed, and braided it in the style William favored. Then she donned her best nightgown, sprinkled on the last of the toilet water in her possession, and pulled back the covers on her side of the bed.

  William had been close to sleep, and his startled gaze met hers as she crawled alongside him. His gaze turned from one of surprise to one of delight, the old familiar twinkle appearing in his eyes. He wrapped an arm around her as she snuggled close, and kissed her. This time, though, it was not merely a peck on the cheek, which was all he could muster from the time he’d arrived home. This time, his kisses had some heat attached to them.

  Susannah returned the passionate kisses. “I see your appetite for things other than food has returned, as well.”

  “I told you I missed you and the children every day I was gone. Our lovemaking has always been a big part of our relationship, so of course, I missed this part of our time together. And you smell wonderful.” His hand traced a pattern down her braid and over her breast.

  “I still can recall when you gave me that toilet water. It was for my birthday a few years ago. I made it stretch a long time, but used the last of it tonight.”

  “Well, then, I’ll have to buy you some more, since it makes me wild with craving. Come here, woman.”

  He pulled her close and kissed the vein of her neck, his tongue brushing over her skin.

  Her breath hitched at the contact and she bit back the moan. It would be best to let him lead the way and to not put expectations on him that he couldn’t deliver. If touching her was all he could manage right now, she’d be content with that. His hand stayed on her breast, his thumb stroking her nipple into a hard peak. She sighed and moved under his caress, her body betraying her. She would not be content with only his touch for long.

  He continued to stroke her breast while he kissed her ear lobe. “I may not be strong enough yet to make love to you, but I can still give you pleasure.”

  His hand slipped from her breast, and she cried out at the lost contact. He pulled up her nightgown and cupped her between her legs. Her moan filled the air as he touched her nakedness, his thumb massaging her bundle of nerves. She pressed her lips together and tossed her head back and forth as he brought her closer and closer to the edge. Still rolling his thumb over her sex, he inserted a finger into her dampness, and she plunged over, careening to an explosive orgasm. Her body pulsed in delight and her breathing was ragged. She pulled him close.

  “Thank you, William. You always could please me with your touch. You don’t have any idea how many nights I’ve thought about how your hands set me on fire. How can I repay you?” She reached for his wilted shaft, hoping to give it life. He pushed her hand away.

  “Not tonight, sweet one. You’ve worn me out already. I need to sleep.”

  He rolled over and faced the wall. She curled her body around him and let him fall asleep. She was tired, too, but finally satiated sensually, and drifted toward sleep, as well. As her body relaxed, her mind went to the last time she had climaxed, in the barn, with Raoul’s strong leg between hers. He would not have turned his back on her after a single orgasm. But he could never be hers, and she should banish all thoughts of him from her mind, especially when she was in bed with her husband.

  William would eventually regain all of his strength. He may never be as strong as Raoul, but he deserved her loyalty. It would be best if she could pack her feelings for Raoul, and her moccasins, away. Tears slid quietly down her cheeks as she lay beside William, tears for her loss, and for her way of life. William may never be able to do more than he had tonight. Could she live with her new reality?

  ♥•♥•♥

  March became April, and even though William seemed stronger physically, he never progressed with his lovemaking beyond where they had been on that first night. It was as if he weren’t interested in her anymore. Sully visited, bringing flour, sugar, and other staples, along with a newspaper which contained news of the war and how it was progressing, now that the fighting had begun in earnest again.

  Susannah sat beside the men as they discussed the latest news and strategies of war, the baby in her lap. Missouria was now four months old, and able to sit propped up against Susannah’s stomach. Sully got close enough to them one time and Missouria’s little hand reached out and grabbed his beard. He backed off quickly, and kept giving the baby sidelong glances as he talked to William.

  William’s face was animated, and his speech rapid. It was almost as if he were more excited about the war than he was about bedding her. Her discomfort grew with each topic they covered. And with each glance from Sully. The baby began to fuss, so Susannah stood and paced around the yard, well aware of each time Sully cast a suspicious eye toward them. When a long dissertation from Sully about the war made William do the same, she wished to scream her frustration. The war had no place on her mountain. It had turned her vibrant, loving husband into a shell of a man, and had turned her attention from him to a forbidden man. She longed for nothing more than to be alone on her mountain again. She hoped Sully and his sidelong glances would leave, so their mountaintop could once again be quiet. She didn’t need William to pick up on any of the questions Sully had about her in his mind.

  Sully finally hitched his mule back to the wagon and left, heading down the mountain and back into town. Susannah breathed a sigh of relief as she and William entered the cabin. She held Missouria to her breast as the child filled her belly. William studied her as the baby nursed. Finally, she could stand it no longer.

  “Say what’s on your mind, William.”

  He glanced around, at George and Lydia playing with blocks in front of the wood stove.

  “What I have to say should not be discussed in front of the children. It can wait until this evening.”

  He turned from her and headed to the bedroom. “Sully’s worn me out. I’m going to join the baby and take a nap.”

  “All right. But this discussion isn’t over. I can’t stand it anymore.” She blinked back the tears and faced her husband.

  “Nor can I, Susannah. But I fear it’s just beginning.” With a wea
ry sigh, he left the room.

  Late that night, after the children were all fed and asleep in their beds, Susannah went to William, who had only climbed out of bed to eat and went immediately back to it. She entered their room and stared at him. He opened his eyes, as if feeling her steady, penetrating gaze and stared back at her.

  “Please tell me what Sully said to you that has you so upset.”

  He took a deep breath and hauled himself up to a sitting position. “He told me even if you are innocent, I would spend the rest of my life defending your honor. I’m willing to do that, since it’s a husband’s duty. But I wonder if we would be better off moving to another town. One where no one can suspect what went on here this past winter.”

  Susannah’s stomach lurched. “As I told you before, Sully’s the only person in town who pieced together the fact I had help. We’ve hired people to work for us before, and I’m certain the women in town had some help since their men left for the war. I don’t see where there’s any room for misinterpretation. I hired some help last summer. Beyond that, nothing went on here. So if rumors are flying, we have no one to blame except him. Our good friend may not be so good, after all.”

  “More people are aware of the Indian now than Sully, though. Sully told me an Indian rode through town late one night around Christmas time. A big, strong fellow with long black hair who put the fear of God into the townspeople who did see him. No one ventured out to confront him, but his presence was noted by everyone.”

  Susannah clutched her churning stomach. Had Raoul left the mountain and gone into town? Why would he have done such a foolish thing?

  “So what happened to this fearful Indian?”

  “According to Sully, he rode through town slowly, staring at each shop sign. When he got to the edge of town, he turned and spent several minutes there, taking in the entire town. Then, he rode off and was not seen again.”