We got up on stage and I looked around the place. It just looked like some paddocks to me. I had no sense of what it’d be like full of people. Well, damn scary was the only sense of it I got. Was Tex actually going to do this?
He took his guitar out of the case. A guy came over, still not actually looking at Tex, and asked him about the guitar. He said he was the guitar tech, whatever that was. He and Tex got chatting away about guitars and the guy forgot what he was doing and actually looked Tex in the face. He didn’t turn to stone or anything so it must’ve been okay.
A bunch of people gathered to the side of the stage. Hannah hustled them out of the way. The guy I’d met at her place, Jack, was with her. Apparently his band was playing there too. Wow, she was like some mega-manager person. She made sure no one went near Tex, but Devon went over to chat to a few people.
“I never dreamed I’d get to see you guys play live,” said one chick, flicking her hair and running her tongue over her lips. “It’s going to be the greatest day of my life. And I could make it the greatest night of your life…”
Wow, did people actually talk like that? I’d feel like the world’s greatest fool actually saying words like that out loud.
Then she flashed her boobs and got Devon to sign them. She whispered something in his ear and then glanced at Tex. Devon shook his head.
My guts clenched. Girls like that, they’d be all over Tex. Girls with shiny, bouncy hair and even bouncier boobs. The type who didn’t mind flashing them around either. She had on a skin tight t-shirt that didn’t leave much to the imagination, even when it was pulled down, and a teeny-tiny skirt. It made me feel a little bit inadequate. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d brushed my hair. I just tied it back in a ponytail or braid. I wore sweat pants and baggy clothes. I didn’t shower nearly enough. I couldn’t apply makeup. I was a failure at pretty well much all girlie-girl stuff.
But then, it wasn’t about me. It was Tex’s day and the main thing was that he got through it without having a breakdown. While he’d seemed fine to the casual observer, I knew my observations were more than casual. I could tell the times when his laugh was just a bit too forced to be true and his eyes shone a little too brightly. While he might’ve forgiven Devon in his head, it took more than just a few words and talking things out to reach true forgiveness, especially after so many years. It took baby steps and building trust. I just had to look at the path Tex and I had been on. It’d taken so much for us to get to trust each other, especially after him burning the house down.
When had I actually forgiven him for that? I couldn’t think of an actual moment. Somewhere amongst the pizza eating and the getting in each other’s way… my secret brain screamed that it was the moment he kissed me but I ignored that evil voice.
After that night of utter frustration, Tex hadn’t moved to touch me again. I didn’t know how to play things. Maybe something about me disgusted him so much that he couldn’t bring himself to have sex with me or maybe he just didn’t think about me in that way.
It was time for the guys to sound check. I’d seen them play together a thousand times by then, but only in the studio. If things didn’t go well out there on stage, it’d knock Tex’s confidence back a big heap. I chewed on my nail, hoping it’d be all fine. Of course, they were just there to get the sound mix right. It was no big deal, really.
Except that it was.
Tex plugged in his guitar then searched the side of the stage until he found my face. He curled up his mouth into a grin and started playing. The sound blasted out through the empty space in front of them. People stopped work to listen. All the people with stalls at the back of the space, the men moving barriers, the people setting up the portable toilets, they all stopped. The sound soared out through the air, catching every single person up in its spell. Even the birds that had been cacking in the trees stopped to listen.
Tex’s voice was like a dream. He had a talent that I’d not even imagined. I watched him turn into that man I’d seen in the video. He became a different person right in front of me. He’d not been like that in the studio but on stage, the way he moved even changed. He became a star. It even seemed like he glowed with an aura made of sparkles and stardust. Each note lingered in the air before settling.
I couldn’t breathe until Tex finished playing. I needed to be assured that he was fine with everything. Even when I could swear their sound was perfection, Tex would find a fault. The one discordant note was enough to ruin a whole rehearsal for him. But he was smiling, he was in a place where nothing could reach him and I let my hand drop, not even aware of how close to the quick I’d chewed my nails until I relaxed.
Just as the song reached its crescendo, Tex strutted across the stage to Devon on bass. The two of them exchanged a look that would melt any girl’s panties. Again, it was a side of Tex that I’d never seen.
Just as Tex and Devon almost met up in the middle of the stage, Tex stumbled. A cable hadn’t been taped down properly. The band stopped.
“Who is responsible for this?” Tex’s voice boomed over the sound system. “Who is the incompetent fool who can’t even do a simple job?”
I thought that was a bit over the top. It was only the sound check and the crew had a lot to look after. It wasn’t like he’d actually fallen. He’d just stumbled.
Before anyone could answer, he unplugged his guitar and slung it onto his back. He didn’t even stop to put it in the case, he just kept walking.
“What the hell…” Devon grabbed for Tex’s arm. “Just ignore it and keep playing.”
Tex shook Devon off him. He scanned the stage, looking for the best way out, his eyes crazy.
Devon tried to follow but was tangled in up in his bass. Instead he looked to Hannah.
Tex stomped down the stairs to the backstage area. Two guys stood to the side, chatting and not paying attention. Tex knocked them out of the way almost pushing one over.
I ran after him. I could hear Hannah going into damage control with the festival organiser. The sound check had been enough for them to set up. I ran after Tex but I couldn’t keep up with his long-legged stride.
Backstage had numerous areas set up for the different bands, each with temporary fencing around them. The path through was like a labyrinth. Tex moved with determination to get as far away as possible.
He wove through the area with food trucks set up for the bands and crew. The smell from the taco van drifted through the air and I damned him for having a hissy fit before I got a chance to eat a taco.
Finally, I caught up to him and grabbed his arm.
“Leave me alone, Ruby.”
“No.”
He didn’t say any more and I walked beside him, puffing to keep up to his pace but determined he wouldn’t shake me off that easily. We’d gone there with Hannah, in a van with all the gear. It was going to look a bit lame if he did the big exit, only to wait beside the van for the rest of them to turn up. Other than that, it was a long, long walk back to the nearest town. I didn’t think either of us were up to it.
When we got to the backstage parking lot, a bunch of people were getting into another van, much more battered and dusty than the one we’d been using.
“Are you going into town?” Tex called out to them.
“Sure, want a lift?” It was the girl I’d seen before. The one with the bouncy hair. They’d drive off together and I’d be forgotten.
Like hell.
I ran beside Tex and slipped into the back of the van beside him before he could slide the door closed. I’d stick to him like glue until he got out of this funk.
My seat wobbled as if it wasn‘t properly attached to the floor and the inside of the van had a sickly sweet smell that intensified when the bouncy hair girl lit up a joint. She turned to offer it to Tex but he brushed it away.
Then she offered it to her friend driving the van. I wondered if that was safe. I didn’t know much about drugs – I had enough trouble coping with normal reality without having it a
rtificially altered – but I figured trying to manoeuvre a van down a windy country road without your full wits about you wasn’t the best idea.
It’d been bad enough driving up there. The tiny road obviously wasn’t built for heavy traffic but a whole convoy of trucks and vans had been headed to the festival grounds.
So, I’d die when the stoner chick driving plunged us over the edge of the road. Was I okay with that? Hell no, I had a ton of stuff in this life I’d not done yet. I tried to at least get some reassurance from Tex but he gazed out the window, completely cutting himself off.
The two girls chatted in the front seats about things that made no sense to me. Then the bouncy girl turned around.
“Looking forward to the festival?” she asked.
Tex shrugged and kept looking out the window.
“It’s the big time for us. We’ve never played anything like this before but it must be ordinary for you. I’m so excited to be playing. Say, do you know a guy called Barry? Tall guy with frizzy hair? He says he played with you guys once, about eight years ago. Brags about it all the time. But then, he’s full of shit.”
Tex still didn’t answer. He didn’t even acknowledge that he’d heard her. She turned to me.
“Not very talkative, is he?”
I gave her a half-smile and nodded. I wasn’t very talkative myself. I was far too focussed on gripping onto the seat in the hopes that the tightness of my hold might have some power to stop us plummeting off the side of the road.
She turned back around and ignored us until we reached the town. I was so relieved to make it in one piece.
It wasn’t much of a town. A service station and a couple of shops was about all that was there. You could see the shops had been getting prepared for the festival. They had drink fridges on the verandahs outside to grab any passing traffic, and festival posters up in the windows. They’d probably do more business on the festival day than they did for the rest of the year.
The van pulled up near the pub.
“We’re staying here for the night. We drove down from Sydney yesterday. There’s not much happening in town but, if you come up to our room, we can have our own fun.” She put her finger to the side of her nose.
Tex scowled at her then opened the door and jumped out. I thought he’d forgotten I existed but he gave me his hand to help me out.
“Thanks for the lift but we’ll go our own way now.” I figured they deserved that much because Tex was being darn rude.
He slung the guitar on his back.
“What now?” I asked but Tex had already stepped out on the broad road and had flagged down what was probably the only cab in town. When Tex said our destination, the driver smiled at the idea of the huge fare he’d make.
“Let’s go home, Ruby.”
CHAPTER TWENTY THREE
When we got home, Tex didn’t speak. We laid down on his bed together, on his crumpled sheets, his arm around my waist as he curled against me. He nestled his face into my neck. I stayed curled on the edge of the bed, afraid to move and disturb him. I wasn’t sure why he was like that but I didn’t talk.
His legs were tangled around mine and my breasts rested against his chest. Tex was so deep inside himself, I wondered if he even knew I was there or if he was just using me as a barrier from the outside world, like a human security blanket. Even so, the closeness of him made my body thrill. I tried to push down all the thoughts buzzing in my mind, the things I wanted to do him.
Eventually, I thought he was asleep so I moved to get up. He pulled me closer to him, his arm gripping me tight.
“Don’t leave me, Ruby,” he said.
“I won’t,” I said but I wasn’t sure if he meant in the short term as we lay there or if he was talking about the entire future.
He brushed the hair from my face, his fingers tracing lightly along my jaw. I held my breath and closed my eyes. I couldn’t look at him while he did something like that. I thought my insides would explode if I had to see his eyes. I stayed on the edge of the bed, the length of his body pressed against mine. I couldn’t relax. I waited for him to come to his senses. He wasn’t interested in me, he just wanted someone near him. He just wanted comfort.
Then his lips pressed gently against mine. I couldn’t respond. A chill hand gripped my heart, not letting me believe it was happening. He was joking with me, that was all. But his lips were insistent, moving against mine with a gentle pressure until I couldn’t resist. The tip of his tongue probed inside my mouth and I let him in.
His kisses were light and gentle, as though we had all the time in the world. The warmth of them worked through my body, like tendrils that coiled around my heart taking a hold of me.
My limited experiences in the past had been rushed and frantic – messy kisses that soon led to frenzied gropes and a furiously unsatisfying love-making. Tex didn’t seem that interested in progressing things further than the kissing stage. I tried to hold back, worried that he’d reject me again.
“Let’s stay here like this forever, Ruby. Just you and me. We can lock the door and keep the world out. We’ve been happy like this.”
He wound a strand of my hair around his finger and stared at me as if to hypnotise me with his eyes. Every part of me screamed to say “yes”. That was exactly what I wanted. Just the two of us alone, with the world locked out. But I couldn’t reply.
I stroked his arm, tentatively at first. What I knew, what I’d always known, was that we belonged together like that. Even the way my body fit into the spaces of his, was like we were the pieces that had once been broken apart. The galaxy spun around us as we lay in each other’s arms, the two of us alone in the centre of the universe. We could stay together for eternity. Everything that was bad and scary and wrong was outside that door but inside was our sanctuary, the two of us alone where no one could reach us.
Tex kissed me again, more insistently this time. I sunk into the weight of his kiss as he drew me deeper. The desire buried deep inside me floated in the air, spellbound like the notes he’d played on his guitar earlier. I responded like I’d never responded to a man before. I lay myself bare in his kiss. We were alone. Nothing existed outside of us.
“Lock the door. Don’t let anyone in. We’ll stay in bed and make love. I just want you.”
As he said it, I wondered if it was true. I’d never know unless I tested it. If I used his insecurities and fears to hold him to me, I’d be the most selfish person alive. That wasn’t what I wanted at all.
I wanted him. I wanted every part of him.
His fingers toyed with my breasts and a moan escaped me. I wanted to return to my senses, to make him see it wouldn’t work but, if he couldn’t persuade me with his words, he would with his body.
I was 30 seconds from the point where I’d be unable to say no to anything he asked of me. I had to stop him. His touches made me zing and zap as though my whole body was made of popping candy. My brain hardly had the ability to function when my body felt like that.
“It’s not going to work, Tex.”
“What do you mean?” He put his arm up to shade his eyes or maybe shade himself, so I couldn’t read his expression.
“You’re doing this because you’re afraid. You can’t run from the world.”
“I don’t want to lose you.”
I sighed. It took every bit of strength I had to push him away and get up from that bed but I couldn’t let him do that to himself. I wouldn’t be the one to stop him from being in his rightful place in the world. I understood why he’d rejected me before. He’d said I wasn’t ready but he was the one who wasn’t ready. He wasn’t complete.
“Play the festival. If you still want me, I’ll be here.” I moved to stroke his leg but my hand lingered in the air. I was scared to touch him.
“I want you, Ruby. I can’t go through all that again. Isn’t this enough? What we have here, it’s enough for us.”
“It’s not enough for you.”
He sat up, his back to me. I wanted to
throw my arms around him but if I touched him, we’d never stop. My words would be lost. There was a limit on how strong I could be. It took all my strength to resist him, knowing I might never have the opportunity again.
“You don’t know what I want.”
“Yes, I do. It’s in your eyes. Don’t be so gutless. Go and do this thing. Face up to it.”
It was as if my mother was talking through my body. All that stuff she’d told me, it suddenly made sense. Not for me but for Tex. He was the one who needed the real world. If I took the glittering prize he offered me, it would turn out to be tarnished and dulled in my hands.
CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR
When the van turned up to take us to the festival grounds the next day, Tex didn’t object. He sat in the back, studying his hands as though they held the secrets of the universe.
Devon turned in his seat to say something to him but Brownie punched him on the arm and the two of them stayed silent. They both seemed tense too. I guess it would be weighing on them – not only having to play after all that time but also having to balance Tex’s mood.
When we got to the festival site, Tex went straight to our section and found himself a spot in the corner.
It’d been drizzling with rain all day and the organisers had put a small marquee up inside the fences. Hannah had also organised extra security so no one got in without authority. It was like an isolated little island in the middle of the backstage chaos.
A darkness surrounded Tex and I could see worried glances shooting around the area like balls around a pool table.
I had to break and talk to him.
“I’m getting a taco. Do you want one?”
Tex shook his head.
“You should eat before going on stage.”
“I’d just throw it up. But you get one. It’s your first festival. Enjoy yourself.”
To be fair, I was much happier in the backstage area with people I knew than amongst that crowd.
Rock You (Fallen Star Book 1) Page 16