Strange Bedpersons

by Jennifer Crusie

  “Don’t do it,” he whispered to her. “I know she’s a horror, but don’t do it.”

  “How come she’s the only one who gets to be rude?” Tess asked. “The hell with this civilization garbage. I’m taking her on.”

  “No,” Nick said, and then Melisande said, “Children, the waiter will get the fork.”

  “Thank God, you’re an orphan,” Tess said.

  “Thank God we’re drunk or we’d have to kill ourselves,” Nick whispered back. “Listen, I love you.”

  “What?” Tess said.

  “I love you,” Nick said. “I don’t know what’s going on here, but I love you. I know you’re up to something, and I don’t give a damn. I love you.”

  “Tell me our kids don’t have to take swimming lessons,” Tess said.

  Nick was puzzled. “You want them to drown?”

  “Children,” Melisande began again, and Tess pulled herself back upright, using the table edge for leverage.

  “Look,” she said. “We’re conferring down here. The fork bit is just a subterfuge, okay? It’s a ruse. Deal with it.”

  Then she ducked down next to Nick.

  “Very smooth,” he said. “I think we’re off their Christmas-card list.”

  “Oh, damn,” Tess said, and they both burst out laughing. Then Tess remembered Welch and stopped. “It’s not funny. This is terrible.”

  “What?” Nick said.

  “Children!” Melisande said, and they sat up again, both confused and one miserable.

  The duck medallions arrived accompanied by three asparagus stalks, two carrot slivers and a perfect new potato. Welch looked at the other plates, snorted and cut into his steak.

  “Do you suppose Dennis has been snacking from the plates?” Tess asked Nick. “I seem to be missing some veggies.”

  “This is it,” Nick said. “This is haute cuisine. Try not to roll in it.”

  “I hate this life,” Tess said.

  Nick frowned, confused. “Because of the vegetables?”

  “No,” Tess said. “I miss color. I hate all that black and white. And I hate those damn new clothes. And I hate this stupid restaurant.”

  Nick put down his fork. “Okay,” he said, slowly. “What do you like?”

  “You,” Tess said. “I love you. And I’m going to destroy your life.”

  Nick blinked. “Not unless you leave me.”

  Tess dropped her fork and pulled him below the table again. “I can stop the book,” she said to Nick and watched while he closed his eyes.

  “Tell me,” he said, his eyes still closed.

  “Welch is Lanny,” Tess said. “He wrote the fairy tale to begin with. He protested the war. He’s making fun of himself.”

  Nick opened his eyes. “That might not stop the book.”

  Tess nodded. “Yes, it will. Think of his pride.”

  Nick set his jaw. “I’m too confused to think this through right now. Let’s just cut to the chase here. Is there anything I can say that will make you stop this? I know this is important to you, I do understand that, but this is my partnership. I need it, Tess.”

  Tess looked at him and saw the need in his eyes, but she also saw the strength and generosity there. He’d saved Angela, got the locks put on the doors, fixed Gina up with a job, helped Tess get a chance at Decker and loved her into physical and emotional ecstasy, and now she was going to destroy his hopes. And... and in the process she’d lose him. She’d be without him forever. The thought of life without Nick was too cold and immense to absorb without reeling. “You can stop me,” she whispered.

  “Great,” he said, visibly relieved. “What do I have to do?”

  “Tell me you’ll leave me,” Tess said, and Nick’s jaw dropped. “This is important to me,” she went on. “But I don’t ever want to spend another day away from you. I love you. If you tell me this will break us up, I won’t do it.”

  Nick cupped her cheek with his hand. “I’d never say that. I would never do that. I love you. The partnership’s important, but I would never—”

  “You don’t know that,” Tess said, suddenly sure of what she was doing. “You’d resent it, after all that work you’ve put into this. It could finish us.”

  “No,” Nick began again, and then Melisande said “Children.”

  “I won’t do it,” Tess said, and straightened back in her chair.

  “You are being excessively rude,” Melisande said when Nick had straightened, but Nick ignored her and faced Welch.

  “So Tess tells me you’re Lanny,” he said to the older man. “Big switch on that fairy tale you wrote. How do you plan to explain that, anyway?”

  Welch jerked his head up sharply and then looked at Tess.

  But Tess was staring at Nick. “Are you crazy?”

  “Evidently.” Nick slumped back in his chair. “But now I’ve got nobody to resent but myself.”

  “God, I love you,” Tess said.

  “What’s this all about?” Kent said, confused and not pleased about it.

  Tess turned back to Welch. “How have you been, Lanny?” she asked.

  Welch relaxed suddenly, and looked so relieved that Tess wondered if he was glad he’d been found out. “I didn’t think you’d ever catch on,” he said to her. “You used to be a lot sharper.”

  “You used to be a lot taller,” Tess shot back.

  Welch snorted. “No, you used to be a lot shorter.”

  “And your hair was brown and you weren’t this fat,” Tess finished.

  “Really, Tess,” Kent said. “That’s hardly—”

  “I’m not fat,” Welch interrupted him.

  “Yes, you are,” Tess said. “You’ve changed. Imagine how many people will find that interesting.”

  “Not that many,” Welch said.

  “Care to risk it?” Tess said. “Should make for some interesting stories during your campaign.”

  “I don’t have to risk it. I’ve got a new job,” Welch announced, and Tess blinked at the sudden swerve in the conversation. “I’m on the board of the Decker Academy. Heard of it?”

  Tess was knocked speechless.

  “Thought you had,” Welch said smugly. “Understand we’re voting on the teaching contracts tomorrow. Only takes one no vote to stop a hire.”

  “Well, you are a son of a bitch,” Tess said in equal parts resignation and admiration.

  “Tess,” Kent said. “Nick, really—”

  “Checkmate.” Welch settled back in his chair.

  Tess folded her arms. “I withdraw my application. The hell with you.”

  Welch met her eyes and then nodded. “I figured that’s what you’d do.” He shrugged. “So, go ahead,” he said. “Do it.”

  “You know, I loved you,” Tess told him, and Kent’s eyes popped out of his head. “You meant everything to me. You taught me everything. You taught me who I was.”

  Welch shook his head. “No, I didn’t. You always knew who you were. I just gave you a boot in the rear when you needed it.”

  “When you wrote that damn book, I thought you’d ruined everything,” Tess said. “I’m still mad about it. I still hate that you did it.”

  “Yeah, I was afraid of that,” Welch said. “Damn near had a heart attack when I saw your picture in the paper with Jamieson here at the opera. And then that picture in his office.” He laughed. “It was like seeing a ghost. My past coming back to haunt me. Tessie Newhart.”

  “I wondered about that,” Tess said. “It seemed too big of a coincidence for you to just happen to invite me to that reading. So you saw the picture and then went after Nick to get me.” She considered it and then nodded. “Not bad. Very Lanny-like.” She tilted her head at him. “I liked you again, you know. Even these past weeks when I was mad as hell at you, I liked you. Lanny’s still in you somewhere.”

  “The hell he is,” Welch said. “So come on, kid, let’s get this over with. Make your move.”

  Tess turned to Nick, and Nick shrugged. “Do it,” he said. “You wi
ll, anyway.”

  “What the hell is going on?” Kent asked.

  Tess looked across at Welch, searching for Lanny and not finding him. Welch was right. He was gone, the past was gone, and all she had was now. Now and Nick. But she also had all the lessons that Lanny had taught her—including the one about not fighting unless you cared enough about the cause and could stand to lose what you were going to lose.

  “Nothing’s going on,” Tess said. “Absolutely nothing.”

  “Chicken,” Welch said.

  “Nope,” Tess said. “There are some causes worth sacrificing people for. This isn’t one of them. You just be damn grateful you’ve got the best lawyer in town working for you.”

  “Why, thank you, Tess,” Kent said, thawing toward her.

  “Not you. Nick,” Tess said.

  “Well, really, Tess,” Kent said, freezing again. “I’m Norbert’s lawyer.”

  “No, you’re not. You’re fired,” Welch said to him.

  “What?” Tess said. “After I just—”

  “This is her fault,” Kent said to Nick, jabbing a finger at Tess. “She’s completely unsuitable and you know it. What you—”

  “Tess and I are getting married,” Nick said evenly. “Be very careful what you say about her.”

  “Oh, really, Nick,” Melisande said, the alcohol making her loud. “This is the outside of enough. Don’t make foolish offers. The woman might actually hold you to it.” She waved her hand in front of her. “And then you’ll be vulnerable to a breach-of-promise suit.”

  “He’s serious, Mother,” Park said. “And so am I.” He took a deep breath. “I’m going to marry Gina— if she’ll have me.”

  Gina made a small sound next to him and clutched the table.

  “Oh, well, that’s just fine,” Kent said, sounding like a whiny two-year-old.

  “You are not marrying that tramp,” Melisande spat at her son, the venom in her voice freezing everyone except Tess, who slapped the table and made the flatware jump.

  “Listen, lady,” she said to Melisande. “I’m having a tense evening here, and I’m not fooling around. You take one more shot at my friend, and there will be consequences.”

  “Mother, stop it,” Park said. “I mean it, stop it now.”

  Melisande rested her chin on her swaying hand and stared at Park, her head bobbing and weaving like a cobra. “The best nannies. The best schools. The best colleges.”

  “Three of them before I was a sophomore,” Park said. “Didn’t it ever occur to you that maybe—”

  Melisande straightened suddenly and pointed one beautifully manicured claw at Park. “You are not marrying a cheap Italian tramp, and that’s final.”

  “Oh, no,” Gina moaned faintly. Park threw down his napkin and looked at his mother levelly. “I am marrying Gina. If you make me choose between you, I am choosing Gina. And if you ever say another insulting word to her, if you ever address her with anything but absolute respect, I’m never speaking to you again.”

  Melisande’s mouth dropped open.

  “I mean it,” Park said. “Don’t push me on this. I love her, and I’m marrying her, and that’s it.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” Kent began. “You can’t—”

  “And that goes double for you,” Park said to him.

  Kent turned purple with indignation.

  “Good for you, kid,” Welch said. “I didn’t know you had it in you.”

  “Then you’re no son of mine,” Kent said. “I disown you, you ungrateful whelp.” He turned his glare on Nick. “And you’re fired. In fact, you’re both fired.”

  “Oh, God,” Gina said.

  Then she put her head under the table and threw up.

  The rest of the table froze, and even Dennis suddenly seemed at a loss.

  “Uh, waiter?” Nick called. “It’s not a fork this time.”

  “Shut up,” Tess said, trying to peer under the table to see if Gina was all right.

  “Well, they were a hell of a lot faster when it was forks,” Nick said.

  “Gina? Honey?” Park had put his head under the table, too.

  Welch dipped his napkin in the glass and bent under the table to give it to Gina. “Don’t worry, kid,” they heard him say. “It’s that rich crap they serve here. Smartest thing you can do is get rid of it.”

  “My shoes,” Melisande said in shock. “They’re Manolo Blahnik, and she... she...”

  “I told you there’d be consequences,” Tess said.

  NICK HUSTLED THE FOUR OF THEM out the door and into a taxi before any blood could be spilled.

  “I can’t believe it,” Gina said when Park had pulled her onto his lap to make room for Tess and Nick in the back of the cab. “I just can’t believe it. I barfed at The Levee on your mother’s shoes. Oh, God, I want to die.”

  Tess patted her hand, and Nick gave the cabby Park’s address.

  “I’ve ruined your life,” Gina said to Park as the cab pulled away. Her head dropped drunkenly on his shoulder. “I’ve ruined your life forever.”

  Park considered it. “How?”

  “I embarrassed you in that restaurant,” Gina moaned.

  “Actually right up until the time you returned your dinner, you were the quietest of all of us,” Nick said. “You’re probably the only one of us who wasn’t embarrassing.”

  “They’ll never let you in there again,” Gina sobbed.

  “At those prices, who cares?” Tess said.

  “And your parents will never speak to you again,” Gina wailed.

  “Get her the biggest diamond in Riverbend,” Tess told Park. “There’s no way you can repay her for that, but at least you can show your appreciation.”

  “It’s not funny,” Gina said. “It’s awful.”

  “It’s not that awful,” Park said. “They never liked me much, anyway. And let’s face it, I’m the only son they have. They’ll have to take me back. It’s not like they have a choice.”

  “They don’t deserve you,” Gina said.

  “Oh, I don’t know—” Park began.

  “No,” Tess said. “She’s right. They don’t. And I owe you an apology, too. I’m sorry I’ve been so nasty. Although you deserve some of it for two-timing Gina, you creep.”

  “He’s not a creep,” Gina said, leaning on him drunkenly. “He’s the most wonderful, thoughtful, darling, disinherited man on the planet, and I love him.” She looked up at him in the dim light of the cab. “And I threw up on his mother’s shoes,” she wailed. Her head dropped like a stone on his shoulder.

  “You know, she’s not a good drunk,” Nick said after some thought. Tess glared at him and he shrugged. “Just an observation.”

  “I think she’s perfect,” Park said. “I don’t deserve her.”

  “Oh, no, you do, you do.” Gina raised her head and stared into Park’s eyes. “But I don’t deserve you.”

  “I’m going to lose my Muscovy duck if this doesn’t lighten up pretty soon,” Tess said. “For heaven’s sake, Gina, all you did was blow dinner. It’s not like anybody died. Get over it.”

  Gina groaned and let her head plummet back onto Park’s shoulder.

  “Gina? Honey?” Park said, concerned, and Gina waved her hand, barely conscious as the cab slowed to a stop in front of Park’s apartment building. “We’re going to go now,” he said to Nick. “God, this was a terrible evening.”

  “I know,” Nick said in comfort. “But it’s over. And none of those disgusting people are talking to us anymore, so we’ll never have to do it again.”

  “Good point,” Park said. He got out of the cab and then helped Gina out. “You okay?” he asked her.

  “No,” Tess answered before Gina could. “I’m very confused.”

  “She’s my problem,” Nick said to Park. “Take yours upstairs and get some coffee into her.”

  “Let’s all have breakfast tomorrow before you go to work,” Tess said. “Pancakes. That would be nice. That might cheer me up. With pecans.”
/>   Gina moaned.

  “What work?” Nick said. “We just got fired.”

  “Right. I forgot. Sorry,” Tess said. “That was insensitive of me.”

  Park sighed. “Why not? Tomorrow at eight. Breakfast at the River Inn, and then we can go clear out our desks.”

  “You know,” Nick said to Park, “we’re not completely screwed here. We could go into partnership ourselves. Hell, we did all the work, anyway.”

  Park nodded. “I’ve thought of that before—”

  “The River Inn. Don’t you ever go anyplace that isn’t pretentious and overpriced?” Tess asked.

  “No,” Park said sadly. “I’m a product of my upbringing.”

  “Oh.” Tess winced. “Sorry. I’m being insensitive again. It’s because I’m drunk.”

  “That’s all right,” Park said. “I’m drunk, too, so it doesn’t hurt.” He bent to kiss Tess’s cheek, and Gina swayed dangerously against him as he moved. “Steady, love,” he said to Gina as he tightened his hold on her.

  “You’re a nice person, Park,” Tess said. “I forgive you the Tess Trueheart bit.”

  “Thank you,” Park said. “I forgive you the low-income-housing crack.”

  “I liked you both better when you were fighting,” Nick said. “This is kind of sickening, and I was nauseated to begin with.”

  When the cab was moving again, Tess put her head on Nick’s shoulder. “You know, now that you’re out of work, I should start looking for another place. You can’t afford to keep me any longer, and I’m not going to be working at Decker, that’s for damn sure.”

  “Okay,” Nick said. “Let’s get married while you’re looking.”

  Tess lifted her head from his shoulder. “Marriage? I can’t. I love you, but I just can’t.”

  “Why not? If this is guilt over sabotaging my career, lose it. The more I think about it, the more I think I had a career that needed to be sabotaged. The thought of not working for Kent Patterson anymore is strangely cheering.”

  “That’s not it,” she said. “It’s selfish. If I marry you, I end up living in the Crystal Palace and wearing somebody else’s clothes.” She shook her head. “It’s nothing personal. I love you. I tried to sacrifice for your career. I just can’t stand your life.”

  “I know,” Nick said. “You keep telling me. I can adapt. You can keep your clothes. We can paint the house red. Whatever it takes to get you.”