SCARS

by Jaimie Roberts

  She nods. “Exactly.”

  I sit back down with her and take her hand. “I think you’re reading way too much into this. I don’t know why you feel so strongly about this, but I think the fact that you do is stopping you from living your life freely and without limits.”

  “But I do live life that way.”

  I nod. “Yes, you like to live in the moment. You like to party and have fun, but it really just stops there. I think you’re preventing yourself from finding someone who could potentially make you truly happy long-term.”

  She looks at me for a moment. “And you think Jerry could do that?”

  I start laughing because just a few weeks ago, that thought would have seemed preposterous. “I don’t think I’m saying that either. I must admit, until last night, I would have stuck a big, fat no to you and Jerry simply because he calls people ‘fuck face’ and ‘shit-for-brains.’” We both start laughing. “I think what I’m trying to say is that you’re stopping yourself from forming a true relationship. Do you see what I mean?”

  She looks at me for a moment, pats my hand, and stands with her back to me. “Shrink Lily. I think the one I’ve been going to for years needs to be fired.”

  I frown. “You go to therapy?”

  She stands stock still like she’s just realized something. Her shoulders tense, then immediately relax. “It’s … it’s nothing really. I had an accident when I was younger, and my parents have been sending me to a shrink ever since. I used to have nightmares.” She turns around to find me frowning.

  “I’m so sorry to hear that. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  She shrugs it off as if it’s nothing. “It was so long ago, and I’ve dealt with it. I just didn’t think it was something to bring up.”

  I don’t think that is true, but I will take what she says at face value. She doesn’t have to tell me everything, but I would have liked to have known this part of her. It was something that happened and was a big part of her life. She is my friend, so I guess the selfish side of me is a little miffed that I didn’t know. I want to know more, but I get the vibe that asking questions about it is off limits. “So, Jerry …” I decide the best course of action is to change the subject. “You’re going to have ice cream with him still at least, aren’t you? If you can just get to thinking that ice cream doesn’t necessarily lead to dinner, then I think you’ll be okay.” She smiles at me, and I know she’s happy to talk about this instead.

  “You’re right, of course. I think what you’re trying to say is to take baby steps… Go with the flow.”

  I nod my head with a smile. “Exactly.”

  She looks at her watch. “I suppose I’d better go. He said he was going to pick me up at twelve. I just wanted to know what your reaction was after that video.”

  I sigh. “I can’t say I don’t think he deserved it. I just wouldn’t have chosen to do that to him myself.”

  Although I have a strong inkling as to who would…

  “That’s the trouble with you at times. You’re too kind. Max overstepped his bounds last night. In no way should you feel sorry for him.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t feel badly for him, but a part of me does for the Max I thought I knew.”

  Christine nods her head in understanding. “I should go.” She stands up, so I stand with her.

  “Okay. Text me to let me know all about it.”

  “I will.”

  “When do you go away?” Christine and a lot of others from school are going on their summer vacations soon.

  “We leave tomorrow, so ice cream can’t lead to dinner anyway.”

  I stroke her shoulder. “No, but the option will still be there once you get back.”

  She sighs and stares at me for a moment. “You know, you really are a good friend? I’m lucky to have you.”

  I see a hint of sadness in her eyes, and it makes me wonder what’s going on. Christine isn’t usually like this. “I’m lucky to have you too.” I take her in for a hug, and she squeezes me fiercely. I’m not sure what it is, but something in that hug almost feels like it’s a “goodbye.” Stupid, I know, but I just seem to be getting all sorts of vibes from people lately. Maybe it’s just me, though.

  She pulls away, smiling timidly as she places a strand of hair behind her ear. “Wish me luck,” she jokes, but again, I can’t see any enthusiasm there. Something just seems off.

  “You don’t need it,” I joke back and pat her arm for support.

  She walks to the door, opens it, and just as she’s gone through, she turns and says, “See you later, no-longer-virginal.” She winks before closing the door behind her.

  Once silence fills the room again, I sit back on my bed for a moment and think about the last twenty-four hours. So much has happened it makes my head spin. I think about Max and the video, and this launches me into action. Jumping across my bed, I pick up my phone and notice there’s a text from J.

  J: Morning, Beautiful. I hope you’re well-rested after last night. I can still smell you on me, and it’s intoxicating.

  I smile at the message and start typing one of my own.

  Me: I know what you did last night.

  I get up, thinking I won’t hear back right away, but am surprised to hear my phone ping as I walk towards my bathroom.

  J: Is this a game of “What Movies Have You Watched?” because I’m pretty sure I haven’t seen that one before. If we are playing that game, then let me try this title on for size: “Payback.”

  I scrutinize the message for a little while, trying to think of how I should reply. He’s not denying it, but he’s not out and out admitting it either.

  Me: I’m being serious, J. I saw the video.

  J: I stuck to my end of the bargain. You asked me not to hurt him and I didn’t.

  Me: But you have.

  J: Not in the sense you meant and you know it. Don’t stick up for him, Lily. He deserved everything he got. Did you really expect me to just leave it alone?

  I sigh, knowing he’s right, but I’m still pissed that he took matters into his own hands. When I don’t respond immediately, my phone pings again.

  J: I look after what’s mine. If someone hurts you, they hurt me, and I will never stand up and simply take that punch, so again—as I said last night—don’t ask me to be any less of a man because asking that is asking me to lie down and take those punches… Asking that is asking me to not stand up for what is mine. Would you really ask that of me? Could you really respect a man who didn’t stand up for his woman?

  I sigh, knowing he’s right, but I’m pissed that I’m admitting he’s right. No, I don’t like the fact that he took matters into his own hands last night, but at least he didn’t hurt him. He hurt Max’s pride more than anything else.

  Me: No, I suppose not.

  J: I’m sorry if I’ve pissed you off by doing what I feel I had to, but I can’t for one second say that I’m sorry for doing it. In fact, it took every bit of willpower I had to not to cut his dick off and make him suck it like a lollipop.

  A bubble of laughter spills out of my mouth without warning. I know he’s joking… Well, sort of, but he does seem to have a way with words at times.

  J: I want you again.

  I look down at the message and smile. He also changes moods as quickly as the tides.

  Me: I feel the same way. Do you think I’ll see you before I go away?

  I know I’m not supposed to come off as needy, but he started it with those, “I can smell you,” and “I want you,” messages.

  J: I would love to say, “Yes,” but I have unavoidable plans coming up. I hate to say it, but I don’t think it will be until after Montana.

  I don’t know why that stings as much as it does—more than it should. He’s never promised me anything. It’s just that after last night, I thought things would somehow change. All sorts of emotions could float around my head if I let them.

  Is he blowing me off? Is this just a nice way of telling me it was nice knowing me for
one night, and now he’s onto the next person he can stalk?

  The mere fact I’m asking that second question tells me I’m still nuts. At least I still know that for sure.

  J: Are you mad at me?

  Me: Why would I be mad?

  J: You didn’t answer right away.

  Me: Just because I didn’t answer right away doesn’t mean I’m angry. I could have just been distracted for a moment.

  J: I know that’s not true.

  Me: How do you know?

  J: Because you’re still sitting on your bed.

  I drop the phone and stand up to look out of the window. I don’t know why I do it every time, since I know I won’t see him there.

  How is he able to still drive me nuts with that?

  My phone pings again, so I run to pick it up.

  J: You look beautiful in your Hello Kitty pajamas. If it wasn’t for the fact I know your parents are home, I would take great pleasure in peeling them off of you using nothing but my teeth.

  I swallow hard, feeling my heart beat intensely along with my desire for him. Not only do his moods change so dramatically, but he’s also able to change the moods of those around him just as quickly. I wish I knew how he did that.

  Me: I’m sure you could find a way.

  I bite my lip in anticipation of his answer. I’m already fired up, and I’m not even near him.

  J: You’re quite the little vixen. As tempting as it sounds, I do not want to devour their daughter under the same roof as them. Where would the gentleman in me be then?

  I smile at his answer simply because it’s respectful. You don’t get many men as young as he is respecting a girl’s parents like that. It makes me warm to him even more … if that’s even possible.

  Me: I don’t think they would consider you a gentleman after what you did to me last night.

  J: On the contrary. Their daughter wanted me. How could I possibly refuse her?

  I start laughing at that. He’s playing with me, but I like it. I like playful J.

  Me: And what if I was to say that their daughter wants you again? Right here, right now.

  J: I would say that she is impatient and that patience also has its rewards. I want nothing more than to have you naked beneath me again, but right now, unfortunately, is not the time.

  Me: But you want there to be another time?

  I need to know this because, somehow, I feel like I am dangling on an invisible string.

  J: Just because I can’t be with you right now doesn’t mean I don’t desperately want to be. Please don’t doubt my feelings for you, Lily. What we have is something special. At least I would like to think so.

  Me: I do too.

  J: Trust me when I say that I want this just as much as you do.

  Well, how could I ever argue with that?

  “Lily, are you ready yet? We have to get on the road if we’re to be there by nightfall.”

  I roll my eyes slightly as I close my book and gather my backpack. Every summer, we spend our vacation in the same cabin in Montana, and every summer, we end up bickering amongst ourselves about what place we should visit each day and what we should have for dinner each night. That thought brings a smile to my face as I place my diary into my bag and head towards the stairs.

  “I’m coming, Mom,” I shout, as I nearly trip over my own feet to race for the stairs.

  “Careful now.” My mother raises her eyebrow at me in admonishment. “No accidents before we even set foot out the door, okay?” With a dazzling smile, my mom picks up a lock of my hair. She has always loved my “luscious” hair. “You get more beautiful every day.”

  I blush under her praise. I have never taken compliments very well. “Mom,” I complain, but with a smile on my face.

  “One day, you will meet a man, and if he is worthy of you, he will compliment you every day. You will have to get used to people noticing your beauty, Lily. And when people notice, they will naturally want to tell you.”

  I blush thinking of my “stranger.” I still get goose bumps every time I think back to that amazing night after the masquerade dance. I often wondered if I would ever regret sleeping with him and making him my first, but that day has yet to arrive. For some reason, it feels just as right now as it did back then.

  “Are you ready?” My dad asks impatiently.

  I smile, grabbing my bag. “As I’ll ever be.”

  After locking everything up tightly, my mom and I walk outside and head for the car. My dad has apparently staked his claim on the driver’s side, and my mom doesn’t seem to mind as she climbs in on the opposite side. I see Elle is sitting behind my mom, so I get in behind my dad and sit next to her. She smiles brightly at me. She looks radiant lately—like she’s truly happy. I can tell that, in her heart of hearts, she believes in her plans for the future and that she couldn’t be in a better place. Not only does she have her dream job which she’ll be starting in a couple of weeks, but she also has the dream boyfriend she thought she wasn’t ready for yet. I always knew that Elle put her career first before anything else, but I suppose now she feels she has everything she wants, so she has the freedom to indulge in the little pleasures life has to offer.

  I smile at that last thought. I am “guilty” of the same thing. Since I met J, I have let him sweep me off my feet. I haven’t quite landed yet, and I’m wondering if I ever will.

  Elle nudges me as Dad drives away from our house. “You look happy for someone who’s going to our cabin.”

  “Hey,” our dad scowls, “there’s nothing wrong with the cabin, so don’t knock it.”

  “Sorry, Dad.” She smirks at him and rolls her eyes at me.

  “I saw that, young lady!”

  Elle and I look at each other and laugh. She nudges me and leans forward. “Why are you looking so happy?” she whispers.

  In an attempt to not look quite so guilty, I shrug my shoulders. “No particular reason. I’m just looking forward to some time off. Graduation is over, and the summer has truly begun. I’m just eager to get started.”

  “Hmm,” she muses, and I know by the look on her face that she doesn’t quite believe me. Her expression changes a little. She’s obviously just thought of something. “Hey, when I’m settled in New York, you’re going to have to visit, okay?”

  “Really?” I ask, smiling brightly. I’ve always wanted to visit the Big Apple.

  She nods. “Yeah. It’ll be fun to have a little sister time in the big city. I’m sure we can think of lots of trouble we can get ourselves into.” She winks at me.

  “Just because you’re whispering doesn’t mean I can’t hear everything you two are saying. As your father, I think staying out of trouble should definitely be a major part of your plans.”

  “Yes, Dad,” we both say in unison. It’s just like old times. I suddenly feel like I’m five-years-old, getting scolded for saying something naughty.

  We say no more for a while, and instead, Elle starts texting while I just stare out of the window at the passing houses. Pretty soon, all the houses are gone as we leave town and enter the woodlands ahead. As usual, it’s a beautiful sunny day without a cloud in the sky. The birds are flying from tree to tree, and the distant contrails are visible as I try and spot all the planes in the sky. The mountains are in the distance, making them look small, and it makes me wonder just how many people might be climbing them right now.

  My dad suddenly speeds up as we leave town. The roads are quiet as usual as a lot of people have already left for their vacations. It’s strange to see my dad driving faster because he always wonders, “Why do people rush when all they’re going to do is get stuck in traffic?” I guess, seeing how clear the roads are now, I can understand why this time. I see the bridge we cross over that finally represents us leaving town. My dad definitely seems to be utilizing the gas pedal a little more than normal as I feel us continue to speed up, and at first, I think that it might just be me, but then my mom frowns at him. “Jack, slow down.”

  I see him loo
k at me through the rear-view mirror. He looks panicked, and that accelerates my own panic. “Dad, what’s going on?” Elle asks. Suddenly, her phone isn’t as interesting as it was before.

  “I don’t know!” he says, in a panicked voice. “The brakes won’t work!”

  Both Elle and I gasp as panic consumes all of us. I can now see that my dad is trying with all his might to put his foot on the brake pedal, but nothing is happening. In fact, we’re going even faster. We all scream when my dad skids to the left and then skids to the right. Everything happens so quickly. One minute, we are on the road, and the next we’re heading straight for the bridge. I scream, grabbing my seatbelt with one hand and Elle’s hand in the other. We turn our heads, staring at each other, as the same thought seems to pass through her and into me. Is this it? Is this how it all ends? Are we all going to die?

  I don’t dare look forward because I don’t want to see the inevitable. Instead, I continue looking at my sister, praying and hoping we will all be okay. As the car crashes into the bridge, our ear-piercing screams are heard throughout the car. We’re suddenly suspended in air, and I feel the weightlessness of my body as the car flies into the sky. I see the tops of the trees, and for a moment, a stupid thought passes through me:

  I have never been this close to the top of a tree before…

  And then, it happens. The tops of the trees are disappearing as we are free-falling back down to earth, landing with a tremendous thud. We crash, trunk first, into deep water. I hear glass smash and water gushing. At first, I can’t move. The water floods over me like a tidal wave. I can’t see anything. I can’t move, and I find I cannot breathe. I’m panicking, but as the water calms, I open my eyes to find parts of the clear water marked with blood. So much blood. I feel trapped, but then I remember I have my seatbelt on. I can feel the weight of me being pulled to the left. We must be on our side.

  Elle… Where’s Elle? Where’s my mother? I look to my right and see Elle. She’s not conscious, and there’s a big piece of glass stuck in her eye. I scream, hearing my muffled cries, and remember that I must get out of here so I can try to save them. I unbuckle my seatbelt and desperately try to unbuckle Elle’s. I can’t tell if she’s alive or dead, but from what I can see, it doesn’t look too good. My mother is unconscious too, and I can see blood flowing away from her. There’s so much blood. I try to look to see where my father is, but from this angle, I can’t see him. I yank at Elle’s seatbelt, and then I try to open my door. My lungs are quickly filling up with water. I have to get out. Maybe once I can get up with Elle, I can come back and quickly get my mother out too. As I scramble to open the door, I grab Elle, trying to haul her out with me, but something is trapping me. In the distance, I can hear muffled screaming, but I have no clue who’s screaming. All I know now is that I’m trapped. I can’t move, and my lungs are starting to scream for air. I reach out to Elle, knowing that this is it. This is the day I finally die. And as I touch her cheek, my last thought is of my stranger and how I will never know who he truly is.