by Lori L. Otto
“Yeah, good call on the tuxes, Anna,” I tell her, my face obviously flushed. “The men look amazing.” She laughs.
“I know,” she smiles. “How’s Chris?”
“Great. He sent this for you.” I hand her the box. Inside is a delicate diamond bracelet. She gasps when she sees it. “It’s beautiful. Let me put it on for you.”
Her eyes begin to water. “That was so sweet of him,” she says. “I saw this at a jewelry store right after we got engaged! I can’t believe he remembered it.” It does seem strangely sentimental and romantic for my brother... I grab a handkerchief and begin to blot her eyes before the tears can escape.
The wedding planner enters the room, letting us know that the guys are ready in the outdoor garden where the wedding is taking place.
“Are you ready?” he asks. Anna nods, taking the handkerchief from me, tucking it under her bouquet.
“Let’s go!” she says, making her way out the door, her mother and I in tow.
From behind the seated guests, as I wait for my cue, I see Jack, standing slightly behind my brother, his hands clasped in front of him. He watches me intently, his eyes never leaving mine, and whispers something in my brother’s ear that makes him laugh. Chris looks much calmer now. I, now aware of Jack’s steady gaze, become nervous.
When the music begins, I slowly walk down the aisle, nodding to family members and friends as I pass them. I’m careful not to look at Jack, afraid that if I do my heart may stop beating or my feet may stop moving. I make eye contact with my brother, who smiles warmly at me, and finally reach the altar.
The song changes, and the crowd stands and turns to see Anna and her father. I hear Chris inhale slowly, loudly. I study his face as he watches his bride approach. He starts nervous, then excited, then happy, then completely taken with this woman that he has chosen to be his wife. Just seeing her beautiful form walk down the aisle has given him all the courage in the world.
After Anna’s father has given his daughter’s hand to Chris, she sneaks in a kiss before the minister begins, her excitement overflowing. I laugh at the cute way she is with him.
Man, I want that.
Both bride and groom remember all their hand-written vows and deliver them with such love and devotion that I hear sniffles from the audience. After the officiant presents them as husband and wife, and after they share the sweetest of kisses– my heart melts– I hand Anna her bouquet and watch them travel back down the aisle. I look up at Jack, for the first time since the ceremony began, his expression hopeful and composed. My heart flutters again and I smile nervously. I take his arm and we follow the bride and groom. About halfway down the aisle, he slides his arm back slightly and takes my hand into his, squeezing it gently.
After posing for what seemed like a hundred different photos in another spot in the garden, we finally make it to the reception. Jack and I go inside and immediately find something to drink. The DJ announces the bride and groom and invites them onto the dance floor for their first dance. A verse into the song, the DJ asks for the parents to join, as well as Jack and I, as the maid of honor and best man. He takes our drinks and sets them down at the head table.
“May I have this dance?” he asks, in mock formal speech, knowing I won’t say no.
“Of course.” Again he offers me his arm and guides me to the dance floor.
“How do you know how to dance like this?” I ask him as he leads me in a waltz, one hand on the small of my back, his other clutching mine loosely.
“I’ve been in many, many weddings,” he says. “One of my cousins required me to go to ballroom dancing classes with him as one of my groomsman duties.”
“You make it seem easy,” I tell him.
“You’re a natural,” he says, and I smile, remembering the dance classes Nate and I took years ago. I’m pretty certain I was everyone’s source of entertainment in the class. It took me much longer to learn steps than everyone else. Nate would try to hold back his laughter, but he wasn’t always successful... but he would always invite me over to practice during the week so I’d be better by the following class. “You look breathtaking tonight, Emi,” Jack says as he brushes my cheek with his fingers, his hand still holding mine.
“So do you,” I tell him as another song begins. Chris taps Jack on the shoulder and asks if he can cut in, offering Anna as a partner to him. My brother, not as skilled a dancer as Jack, pulls me closely into him, our form resembling a hug more than a dance position.
“I love you, Chris,” I tell my brother. “I am so happy for you. She is amazing and I know you two will have a wonderful life together.”
“Thanks, Em,” he tells me. “I just want you to know that this year has changed my life, and getting to know you better has been a big part of that. With everything we’ve been through, it just makes me want to live my life to the fullest and keep close all the people I love.” He looks at my face to see my eyes begin to water. “No, Em, please don’t be upset. I’ll tickle you, don’t, I mean it.”
“Don’t you dare tickle me!” I playfully slap his shoulder and wipe away the tears. “I know what you mean, though. I’ll always be there for you, Chris, especially after all you’ve done for me.”
“I wouldn’t have had it any other way,” he says. “You know you mean the world to me... always have. And I’m so glad you and Anna have become so close. She’s never had a sister, and I know she thinks of you as one... and Jen, too. I’m happy you’ve welcomed her into the family.”
“Well, she’s a perfect fit. Thanks for picking someone we like.” Anna approaches us slowly and I graciously give her groom to her. Jack is dancing with my mother and I decide to return to my wine for a second and take a seat. I discreetly kick off my shoes, the hem of the dress hiding the evidence.
Jen and Clara find their way to the head table and sit down with me. Clara munches on a small plate of appetizers that her mom prepared for her. I pick up a cracker and take a bite.
“He’s gorgeous,” Jen says, nodding to Jack. “I think you may have to fight Mom for him.” I laugh softly, watching, mindlessly eating the wafer. “You’re going to talk to him tonight?”
“Yeah,” I tell her. “I’m still working out the details in my mind.”
“Has he kissed you again?” she asks, a certain giddiness in her voice.
“No. I hope he doesn’t.”
“Why not?”
“I can’t think clearly when he does that,” I say, remembering the daze I was in last night after it happened. “I get butterflies just thinking about it.”
“All the more reason to do it again!” she exclaims. “Let loose a little, Emi. It can’t hurt.”
“Actually, it can,” I tell her. “Getting that close to someone again, trusting him completely, believing he’ll be with me forever... and then... it ends. Somehow, it always ends...”
“That’s tragic, Emi,” she says, obviously disapproving of my reflective mood. “What would be more tragic is if you let that fear make all your decisions for you. You’ll never be happy.” She shrugs her shoulders.
“Well, that’s harsh,” I argue.
“It’s just true. I’d hate to see you let him go for that reason...”
“I never said I was. But you know what? This is my business, and I don’t appreciate–”
“Why are you fighting?” Clara interrupts. “I thought weddings were happy.”
My sister and I glare at one another briefly, and I take a deep breath.
“I just want you to be happy again, Em, that’s all. I just want what’s best for you.”
“I know,” I concede. “I’ve given this a lot of thought... so you have to just trust that I know what’s best for me.”
“I’m not sure you do,” she says with sincerity. “I hope you do...”
“I do.”
“Anni-Emi, will you dance with me?” my niece asks.
I stand up and pick her up into my arms, moving to the song and swinging her around. She giggles loudly, then
requests that I take her on the dance floor. After I slip my shoes back on, I start to walk with Clara toward the parquet floor. I twirl her around and she takes the opportunity to show off some of her ballet positions she’s learned in her dance class. When a fast song comes on, she squeals and jumps up and down, and I take her hands and lead her around the floor.
“Can I cut in?” Jack asks.
“Well, Clara wanted to dance–”
“I meant with Clara, thank you very much,” he smiles, directing his attention at my niece. I expect Clara to shy away, as she does with people she’s not very familiar with, but she immediately holds out her hands to him. “Here, you can stand on my feet.” He helps her settle on his patent leather shoes and dances around the floor. Clara can’t stop giggling. I back off the floor to watch them, standing next to my sister.
“He’s good with her,” Jen says.
“He’s got two nieces and two nephews that he adores,” I tell her, sighing heavily. I fight the thoughts that try to creep into my head and decide to take a break. “Hey, I’m going to go take some food to Anna. I don’t think she’s had anything to eat all night.”
“Okay.”
I go over to the amazing spread of food and pick out a little of everything, enough for both her and Chris. Eventually I convince them to take a seat so that the toasts can begin.
After my father, Anna’s father, Jack and I have saluted the bride and groom, Anna and Chris cut the cake and take a few moments to relax with their dessert and drinks. Jack and I join them as the rest of the guests mingle, laughing about the day and listening to them describe what they’re going to do in Hawaii on their honeymoon. Jack excuses himself to talk to Russell, and shortly after, the DJ announces the last dance. I look at Anna and Chris, busy nuzzling one another, quietly enjoying each other’s company. They glance at me briefly and both give me encouraging nods and I stand up to go to Jack. No one else is on the dance floor. When I’m half-way across it– half-way to him– he sees me walking toward him. He just stops and watches me, a completely content look on his face. He holds his hand out to me and leads me back onto the floor.
This time, his hand draws my body closer into his, his arm seeming to envelop me more completely. We stare at each other, the song slow, romantic, seductive– clearly selected for the bride and groom, whom I briefly glance at. They’re both smiling at us. When I look back at Jack, he’s also seeing their consent. He looks back down at me and lets go of my hand to touch my face once again. As much as I want him to kiss me, I’m too conscious of all of my family members watching us dancing. I wrap both of my arms around him and put my head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. The fingers of one of his hands expand and contract slowly on the small of my back. He plays with my hair, brushing his fingers against my ear, with his other hand. I close my eyes, blocking out the vision of everyone else in the room. This moment confirms everything.
When the song ends, I pull back slightly to look at him again. He cradles my face in his hands and stares into my eyes. Slowly, I take his hands from my face and hold them close to my heart. I see Anna get up out of the corner of my eye and realize it’s time to get ready to go.
“I’ll meet you back here in a bit,” I tell Jack. He nods and quickly kisses the back of my hand before letting it go.
Hurriedly, I help Anna change into a different dress before we send them off to the hotel.
“Thank you so much, Emi,” she says.
“You’re welcome, but I really didn’t do much,” I tell her. “I thought you might demote me to bridesmaid or just plain-old Chris’s sister a few times in the past year. Just... thank you... for putting up with me.”
“Oh, Emi,” she says. “I love you so much and I never once had second thoughts about you being my maid of honor.”
“Well, thank you. And welcome to the family.” We hug tightly. “I hope you guys have a great trip.”
“Oh, we will, I can’t wait to leave in the morning.”
“Is there anything you need before you go?” I ask. “Anything I can get you?”
“No, Em. Your role is done,” she smiles and hugs me. “I need you to stop hanging out with me and go talk to Jack. And then I need you to remember every detail, because I want to know what happens.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll tell you as soon as you get back.”
“Good luck,” she says, embracing me once more. “Be strong... but be open...”
“Okay. Have a wonderful time.”
I take her to Chris’s dressing room and then head to the entranceway where all the guests have gathered, armed with rose petals to shower the happy couple. Jack and a few of his fraternity brothers are making last minute touches to the limo. Chris and Anna walk halfway through the crowd, then stop and kiss before continuing to the car.
The rest of the guests leave soon after. I give Jen all of Anna’s things to take back to the loft, and she and Clara take off after I tell her that Jack will take me back home. As the wait staff begins to clean the reception room, Jack grabs a freshly-opened bottle of wine and two plastic cups he finds in the bar, then signals for me to follow him into the garden. Gladly.
He leads the way down a secluded rock path, an approaching small waterfall making its presence known by a soft bubbling sound in the distance, getting louder. The moonlight dances on the water, unobstructed by a single cloud in the sky. The chirping of crickets add to the soundtrack, the sounds of nature making louder the silence between Jack and me.
He speaks from behind me. “So, Emi, a little over twenty-four hours ago, I wasn’t sure I had a chance with you.” I remain quiet, wanting him to continue. “And tonight, I know there is something here... between us. What changed?”
I take a deep breath, my back still to him. “Kissing you. It sounds cliché and stupid, but I felt something.”
“Well, we kissed ten years ago, and I felt it back then. Didn’t you? Why did it take you so long to come around?”
“Honestly?” I ask.
“Of course.”
“I didn’t remember kissing you in college.” I purposely don’t turn around, not wanting to see the look of hurt he may have on his face. It takes a while for him to recover from this.
“Really... huh...” More silence, but frustration seeps out in his tone. “How could you not–”
“Wait a second, let me finish,” I interrupt.
He thinks for a second. “Sorry,” he says. “Go ahead.”
“What I said is that I didn’t remember kissing you in college.”
“I heard that.” I turn around to see him. “I got that.”
“No, you didn’t hear me. I said I didn’t remember kissing you... but I remember the kiss... in every fiber of my body, I remember that kiss.”
“I’m not following you.”
“Jack, I thought I had kissed someone else that night. I thought it was Nate.”
I turn around to stand on the edge of the pond, peering into the shallow water. I hear Jack set the wine and cups down on the ground. The memory of Nate floods my mind. Saying it out loud– to Jack– just feels like a betrayal. I’m sorry, Nate.
I inhale and continue. “It wasn’t until last night that I remembered it was you. As soon as you kissed me, the memory of that night came back to me. For years, I just assumed it was Nate. But since we had vowed to not date, I tried to put it out of my mind... or I tried to recreate it with other men. But I couldn’t... not even with Nate when we decided to get together. I never thought I would feel that again.”
His hands on my shoulders, he turns me around to face him. He has removed his jacket and loosened his tie, looking more relaxed. Without warning, his hand lifts my chin and his lips brush mine, the most alluring of kisses, his mouth teasing me. I hold his head in my hands, pulling him closer to me. We break apart when we are both out of breath.
“You can’t keep doing that,” I tell him, stunned.
“Are you kidding? Now that I know how it affects you...”
&
nbsp; “No, really,” I say, smiling slightly, “I can’t think straight when you do that. And I need to think straight for this conversation.”
“Okay, Emi,” he says, understanding my serious tone. “I’m sorry.” He walks over to the park bench where the wine is. He pours us each a glass, and pats the seat, requesting me to sit by him. He hands me a cup and I take a long, slow drink.
I straighten my dress before assuming my place next to him, stretching my legs out and kicking off my heels. My painted toenails peek out from under the dress. Nervous, I curl my toes in and cross my feet.
“I will cry tonight. I just want you to be prepared.”
“I am, actually,” he says, reaching into the pocket of his tuxedo jacket. “Handkerchief.” He holds it ready in his hands.
“So, you know, I lost a lot last year... when he died.” I sense Jack is going to let me do all the talking. “My best friend, my love... I lost a part of my identity when it happened. I hadn’t realized so much of me was tied into him, but it was... and he had become a part of me... um, quite literally, actually.
“That night, I had this insatiable craving for chocolate... so he took me to the store to get some. I don’t like chocolate... it was a craving... I...” Sadness overwhelms me as I hear him exhale heavily.
“You were pregnant,” he says.
“I was... but you knew?” I ask.
“I didn’t know, for sure,” he says, his eyes distant. “I thought I overheard.”
“How could you know?”
“I was at the hospital... Nate’s mom came in. She told your mother something about a baby. I think she was trying to be discreet, but it was difficult since she was in near-hysterics. No one really knew if she had any grasp on reality at the time. While your family tried to sort through things, I decided to leave. It had been a bad night... and that was a private matter that I didn’t need to be privy to.
“But you never started showing, so I hoped I had misheard... and hoped that you hadn’t miscarried after the accident. Although I was curious, I never asked Chris. It wasn’t any of my business. And I also didn’t want it to be true, for your sake.” We’re both silent for a few minutes. “How far along were you?”