by Lori L. Otto
“About six weeks. I lost the baby five days after the accident.”
“God, Emi, I am so sorry. Oh, my god.” He takes one of my hands into his, and puts the handkerchief in the other one.
“The baby would have been due a few weeks ago,” I think to myself, aloud. “And I would have had a part of him with me forever.” I cry quietly to myself as he puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me into his chest.
“I’m so sorry,” he repeats. “I just don’t know what else to say.”
“There’s nothing to say. But this is what I’ve been trying to deal with for the last month or so. I didn’t deal with that loss in the beginning. I guess I could only handle one thing at a time. I guess I somehow knew that.”
“That’s understandable... but Emi, I’m here for you.”
“I know you are,” I smile through the tears. “And I want to be able to go to you for support, I do. But I don’t know if I’m in the right place to do that.”
“What do you mean?”
“I have a lot of healing to do still,” I explain. “It would be so easy to jump into a relationship with you, Jack. Sooo easy. You’re everything I want, need... but I want to be whole for you. I want to be able to give you every part of me... you deserve nothing less... but I don’t want to take away from what I still have to do.”
“And that is?”
“I need to get past this sadness and loss. I need to get beyond the fear of losing more people that I love. A part of me doesn’t want to get that close to anyone again... because I don’t think I could make it through anything like that again.”
“What can I do?” he asks.
“Be patient,” I tell him. “Be a friend to me, for now.”
“A friend,” he says, the word lingering on his tongue.
“And this whole kiss thing...” I continue. “I’m really holding it all together, but... it’s bittersweet. You know, what Nate and I had, it was wonderful. Our friendship laid a foundation for... what could have been an incredible relationship. But I went searching for that feeling, believing it was him... believing I was meant to be with him... so it’s a little earth-shattering to accept that it was your kiss that did that to me, and not his.
“I mean, I’m happy about it, believe me. I can’t believe that I have a chance to have that again, after all these years. But it sort of alters everything I believed in.”
“How so?”
“I’ve never felt anything like that, Jack. I had convinced myself that I was meant to be with Nate– based on that kiss, and the fact that I couldn’t feel anything like that with anyone else.”
“What happened when you were with him? Did you feel something like it?”
“No,” I explain. “Like I said, it was wonderful, and we would have been happy together, I have no doubt. But when you kiss me... I feel it in every cell in my body... like a current running wildly through my veins, nearly stopping my heart...”
“I know,” he says. “That’s why I’m not sure I can just be your friend at this point.”
“I just need you to try. That’s all I can do, too... try. I just don’t want our relationship to be based solely on how you make me feel when you kiss me.”
“You know it wouldn’t be,” he reasons.
“I don’t know,” I counter. “I know I could escape everything by running to you, and letting you be my everything.”
“Then do that...”
“Running to you is running away from my past... and it would catch up with me over time. I’m going to therapy. I’m really working hard at this... and I’d really like your support– your friendship– through this.”
“Anything you want, Emi,” he says, resigned. “I would do anything for you, you have to know that.”
“Thank you.”
“But please don’t hate me if I slip. You just do something to me.”
“Well... ditto...”
“Oh, no, if you slip, I can’t be held responsible for what may happen. That’s too much temptation.”
“Well, it’s not going to be easy for me, either. I’m going against my heart at this point... it seems unnatural, but necessary.”
“I don’t have to agree,” he tells me. “Unnatural, yes. Necessary?” He shakes his head.
“For me it is.”
“Alright, Emi. Can I ask a favor, though?”
“Sure,” I tell him, open to anything if he can do this for me.
“I’ll ask you later,” he says. “I think it’s about closing time here.” He takes the bottle and cups to a nearby trash bin, then kneels down and picks up my shoes. “Did you want to put these back on?”
“Not particularly,” I answer.
“Alright,” he says, leaning down. “Hop on,” he says, his back to me.
“No,” I tell him, laughing. “No way.”
“Come on, Em. Get on!”
“Jack...” He stands up straight and turns to me.
“I could just pick you up and carry you, but I’d be a little concerned about the strapless dress...”
“Alright, alright,” I say. He leans down again and I hop onto his back, allowing him to carry me to the car.
“I need to pick up my stuff from the hotel and check out,” he tells me. “Do you mind if we go by there?”
“No, that’s fine,” I answer. “So what’s the favor?”
“I’ll tell you at the hotel,” he says. “I’m going to need your undivided attention.”
“Alright,” I say, curious.
When we pull into the hotel, I put my uncomfortable shoes back on before getting out of the car. They pinch my toes so tightly that I’m beginning to walk with a limp. I lean on Jack as we go inside, into the elevator. His room is at the far end of the hallway, and I can’t wait to get inside to sit down for a break. I wish I had other shoes with me.
When he opens the door, I immediately make my way to the bed and sit down, resting my feet. He pulls up a chair from the desk in the room and sets it in front of me, backwards. He sits down, folds his arms on the back of the chair and rests his chin on his arms. His face is close to mine. “So the favor...” he begins.
“Yes...”
“I’ll do the friend thing on a few conditions,” he says.
“Okay...”
“First, I’d like to see you... so do you think we can make some time to get together every week?”
“I think that would be fine,” I tell him, liking his first condition.
“And secondly, can this friend thing... can it start tomorrow?”
I raise my eyebrows and fold my arms across my chest. As I stare into his blue eyes, my resolve crumbles, and I want to– no, have to– say yes to his request. I slowly inch toward him and kiss him softly. “Is this what you meant?”
“Yes,” he says. “Just something to tide me over.” He kisses me again, this one a little more passionate, and when he backs away, I stand up, numb, and start gathering his suitcases, attempting to shake off the feeling.
“This is dangerous,” I tell him. “We must leave this room.”
He laughs under his breath and says, “Yeah, I wasn’t asking for that.”
“Well, good,” I say. I wasn’t asking either, but the desire inside of me has been dormant for so long that I can barely contain it. It feels so amazing to be touched by a man again. A part of me just wants to drop the whole well-thought-out plan and just let myself follow my heart... let myself be– with him– in the moment.
When we reach the loft, he insists on walking me in. He carries my shoes as we ascend the elevator to my floor. We share a short kiss on the way, stopping when the door opens suddenly on the seventh floor and another passenger gets in the car. We deliberately separate ourselves until we hit the twelfth floor.
“Did you want to come in?” I ask against my better judgment.
“No, thank you,” he says. “Too tempting.”
“Okay, well...” Disappointed... but this is what I want, right? “Thank you for tonight.�
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“No, I should thank you for tonight. You can thank me for the friendship thing... however long that’s going to last...”
“Thank you for both,” I tell him.
“I really care about you, Emi,” he says running his hand through my hair.
“I care about you, too, Jack,” I return.
“One last kiss,” he says.
“Please,” I smile and lean in to his wanting lips, feeling that sensation throughout my body.
“Wow,” he says and smiles. I just nod my head, unable to speak. “Goodnight, sweet Emi.”
“Goodnight, Jack.” I open the door and step inside, watching him as he waits for, and eventually enters, the elevator. We both wave goodbye as the doors close. I sink to the floor once inside the apartment, my knees weak and unable to hold my weight any longer. I hope that the last kiss will hold me over for awhile, but realize quickly that this “friendship thing” is going to be a lot harder than I thought.
CHAPTER 11
Why is he wearing a tie?
After peeking at Jack from around the corner, I look at my reflection in the shop window and pull my stringy, damp hair up in the clip I brought with me.
He said this was a casual lunch... a tie?
When he called me to push back the time by an hour, I was hoping he was calling to postpone our date for another day, but he sounded so excited to see me that I couldn’t back out. Not that I didn’t try. And it’s not that I don’t want to see him, I do. I’m just not feeling like myself today.
Breathe, Emi. Just smile, you can do this.
I peek back around at him and hide quickly before he sees me. He looks so handsome, so professional, so perfectly put together. I’m a wreck. I scan my jeans and t-shirt and take a deep breath.
No, I can’t do this.
I pull my phone out of my bag and begin to type out a text.
“Why did you wear a tie?”
I look down the street at the approaching cars, looking for a taxi.
“Where are you?” he responds.
“I’m not dressed for this. I’m going home.”
Where are all the fucking cabs? It’s one o’clock on a Friday!
“Ha ha. I’m sure you look great.”
“I’m not kidding.” My heart starts racing as a lump forms in my throat. I can’t meet him looking like this. As my phone begins to ring, I stuff it back into my purse as a cab finally pulls up to the curb. I open the door and begin to step in, but hesitate when the ringing ceases. I hear the phone chime, notifying me of another text message.
“Just a second,” I tell the cab driver.
“C’mon, lady, I ain’t got all day.”
“Just a second!” I reiterate. “Start the meter!”
“I’ve been looking forward to seeing you all week.” Heat rises to my cheeks as I simultaneously smile and sigh. In truth, I’ve been looking forward to seeing him, too. I just didn’t expect him to look like that.
“Sorry, go on,” I yell to the driver, shutting the door as I start to think of how I’m going to respond to Jack. I turn around, distracted by my phone, and run right into a man... dressed in a nice, crisp white shirt...
...and that damned red tie.
“Where were you going?” Jack asks, gently taking me by the shoulders to reorient me to my surroundings.
“I have never felt so monumentally underdressed,” I blush again. “I was going to go home.”
“You look great, Emi, don’t be silly.”
“You said we were going somewhere casual.”
“We are. My meeting just ran long and I didn’t have time to go home and change. I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”
I straighten my t-shirt out and look up at him apologetically, contemplating how I can feel okay about this… um… friend-date-thing.
“For starters,” I tell him as I take the knot of his tie under my finger, “we’re going to loosen this.” He laughs quietly and lets me pull on the knot. I unbutton the top two buttons and back up to look at him. “Better...”
“Are we okay now?”
I stand on my tiptoes and run my hands through his hair, messing it up just a little.
“I think... maybe.”
As I’m looking down at his obviously expensive dress shoes, I feel him pull my hair out of the clip.
“I didn’t have time to dry it,” I begin to make excuses, running my fingers through it. I didn’t have time, even though I had an extra hour to get ready today. Yeah. Most of that hour was spent trying to come up with a reason not to go. And yet, here I am, feeling completely inadequate in the presence of a man I really do like.
“It looks beautiful.”
“Thank you,” I say, resigned. He hands me my clip and crosses his arms in front of his chest. He still looks too nice.
“Are you hungry?”
“I could eat...”
“Okay. Good, let’s go.” We walk down the street quietly. We both steal glances at one another and smile.
“Wait, it’s still not right,” I tell him, taking his tie again. I unknot it and pull it off his neck, draping it over my shoulders.
“Now?” he asks again, giving me an incredulous look.
“Now,” I grin, a little more comfortable with the situation. He opens the door to a tucked-away sandwich shop and follows me in. The menu hanging on the wall is overwhelming with options. I scan the tables to see what other people are eating.
“Mr. Holland,” a man behind the counter greets Jack. “You look different without a tie.” I look at him and swallow, playing with the ends of his neckwear, offering it to him. One side of his lip curls up in a smile and he shakes his head minutely at me.
“How are you, Ethan?” Jack asks.
“I’m good, let me go see if JR is available.”
“No, I’m just here for lunch today,” he explains.
“Jack, I thought I heard you,” another man enters from the next room, his hand extended over the counter to shake Jack’s hand. “Can I get you the regular?”
“Thanks, JR, sure, that’s fine.” He looks down at me. “Did you see something you wanted?”
“What did you get?” I ask him quietly.
“The number seven with the works. It’s a club, but they have a whole lot of other things-”
“I’ll just have the same.”
“Are you sure?” I nod in consent.
“Is this a social visit?” JR asks.
“Actually, yes,” he smiles. “I promised my friend, Emi, that I would bring her here eleven years ago. It just took me awhile to get her here.”
I look at him curiously, then remember the conversation we had that night at the party. I do remember him suggesting a place near the campus as an alternative to the bad cafeteria food. I laugh, amused at the fact that he would have remembered that after all these years.
“I’m a man of my word,” he says as an aside to me. “JR, this is Emi. Emi, JR and Ethan.”
I nod to both of the men who are now wearing gloves and busy preparing our sandwiches.
“Chips or fruit?” Ethan asks Jack.
“Fruit,” he answers before checking with me.
“Fruit’s good,” I agree.
“I’m sorry, I should have asked–”
“No, it’s okay,” I say awkwardly.
“What would you like to drink?” he asks, blushing.
“Diet soda?”
“Water and a diet soda, please. It’s all to go.”
“Business is up over last year,” JR tells Jack. “By a lot.”
“Maybe the renovations had more of an impact than you thought,” Jack says, smiling. “I’m happy for you.”
“Thank you,” JR says to Jack emphatically. Jack just nods. When they hand Jack our food, he just puts some bills in the tip jar they have on the counter. Large bills.
“Keep it up,” Jack says, nodding, leading me out of the deli.
“Thanks, Jack. Pleasure to meet you, Emi.�
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“You too, thank you,” I tell the men behind the counter.
“Where would you like to eat?” Jack asks, pausing beside a table in front of the sandwich shop.
I shrug. “It doesn’t matter to me.”
“Doesn’t matter…” he repeats. “I was thinking maybe we could take these to Washington Square. Eat by the fountain?”
“That sounds fine.”
“Okay.” He smiles as he begins to walk toward campus. “How are you today?” he asks, breaking the silence.
How am I? Let’s see. I didn’t get much sleep, both anxious and nervous about seeing you today. All week, I’ve been having internal arguments about whether or not it’s too soon to move on. Today, I woke up thinking it was too soon. Now that I’m with you, though, I don’t think it is. But if I think about Nate… Gah! Stop, Emi! I’ve been getting constant butterflies in my stomach every time I think about you kissing me. And I can’t stop thinking about you kissing me, except I have to because I told you I didn’t want that yet. And I don’t. Yet. I don’t think.
“Fine.” I sigh heavily, dropping my shoulders in defeat.
He doesn’t press the issue until we’re settled by the fountain in the central plaza with our lunch. Jack opens his water, then my soda, and hands it to me. “To a nice afternoon on this beautiful day.” He taps my bottle with his and takes a sip. I drink some soda and eat a piece of cantaloupe.
He takes a bite of his sandwich and watches a group of kids playing near the water. “You don’t seem fine.”
“No, I am,” I smile. “I just have a lot on my mind.”
“Anything you’d like to talk about?”
Do I tell him about all the second-guessing I’ve been doing since the last time I saw him? I decide not to and shake my head, more curious about the interaction between Jack and JR. “Why didn’t you have to pay for lunch?”
He sighs, accepting my reluctance to talk about myself. “I’m a silent investor in the shop.”
“Oh. That makes more sense.”
“...than?”
“I was beginning to think JR was going to hand you an envelope full of cash over the counter...” I smile slyly and look into those pretty blue eyes. “I thought I might need to warn you that I have a strong distaste for guns and severed horse heads.”