Say No More

by Sasson, Gemini

  The van curved around the loop at the top of the driveway, stopping before the front porch. No one, except someone who hadn’t been here before, came in the front door. A woman got out — I could tell from the build of her hips and the way she walked — pulled her gloves off, and stuffed them in her pocket as she climbed the stairs. She was wearing a felt hat, the brim turned up in front, her hair bunched up in a bun at the back of her neck. I couldn’t see her face from where I stood, but her presence stirred a flutter in my belly.

  She knocked on the door. Only a few knocks, soft and polite, as if she expected Bernadette to be right there waiting to open it. After a few moments, she knocked in the same manner again. When that brought no response, she pulled her sleeve back from her wrist to check her watch, then knocked more loudly, six times.

  Yes, dogs can count. Not in great numbers, but enough for simple things. How else could my mother Bit have kept track of all of us and known when I was missing? How else would I have known when a lamb had strayed?

  The woman stepped over to the picture window and peered inside. She had turned to go down the steps when Bernadette threw open the door.

  “Come on in! So glad you could come. I’m Bernadette.” She circled her arm in a welcoming motion. “Sorry I’m such a mess, honey. Overslept, I’m afraid. I’ve got tea if you’d like some.”

  The woman put her hand in Bernadette’s and shook it. “Hi, I’m Lise McHugh.”

  I’d taken several steps forward before I realized what I was doing. Lise? Here? A mess of emotions muddled my head. At the same time that I wanted to be angry with her for leaving me with Estelle and never coming back to get me, I also wanted to run to her and smother her in kisses.

  “Who else would come all the way out here this early in the morning?” Bernadette shut the door behind Lise as they went inside.

  Only yesterday, the thought had crossed my mind that it wouldn’t be so bad living with Bernadette in her tiny house, if she could manage it somehow. The loss of Cecil had been as big a blow to her as it had been to me. That reticent old-timer, set in his ways, a workaholic, had wormed himself under our skins. He was a man who loved sparingly, but deeply, who gave all his attention and loyalty to his farm, his dog, and lately his sweetheart, Bernadette. When she came into our lives, it was like the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle had finally been found. Those weekly trips to the library had been an exciting respite from the monotony of daily chores. I welcomed the hugs of the children, their stutters and lisps as they stumbled over the words in the books, their small triumphs as Cecil read with them, and then their smiles of delight as Bernadette praised their efforts and improvement.

  There had been an ebb and flow to daily life that approached perfection. Bernadette and I could have kept each other company. We could have provided therapy for one another if she had taken me on short walks. Surely it was important that she remain mobile in her ageing years? And yet, she had seemed reluctant to keep me as part of her life, something which baffled me. Yes, she had her family, but what was life without a dog at your side? How could such an existence be complete?

  Now here was Lise, waltzing back onto the stage as if I might not care that she had abandoned me when I needed her most. Who the hell did she think she was?

  I started toward the house, trotting with a purpose. I didn’t bother to hide the hitch in my stride. Let her look out here and see what I’d been through. Let her mire in guilt.

  I was a dog. A living thing. A loyal companion. A guardian. A soulmate.

  I could not be tossed away like a dirty rag or a piece of burnt toast.

  Bypassing the front porch, I swung around to the back door. There was only one short step up onto the patio there. I hauled my lame hind end up and stared at the door. I didn’t have to wait long.

  “There you are,” Bernadette beamed. “Come in, little honeybunch. I have a surprise for you.”

  Surprise? I wouldn’t call it that. Maybe an unexpected development or a wrench tossed into a set of gears, but I wouldn’t class it as some sort of pleasant intrusion on life’s daily rituals — not that we had any of those yet, but we would. It was just a matter of time. Bernadette would come around. She’d have her surgery and realize how much she needed me to help her get better.

  In the short time that I had spent plotting the demise of the squirrel, she had finished dressing, although her hair was slightly out of place and her makeup scant, relatively speaking. Her cardigan slanted to one side. She’d missed a button.

  “Well, what are you waiting for? Someone’s here to see you.”

  I snorted as I brushed past her. I took one disinterested look at Lise, who stood by the sink with a mug of tea cupped in both hands. Then I lay down under the table in my usual spot and closed my eyes. Bernadette had moved my blanket bed there. She was training up well. Another six months and she’d be baking homemade dog biscuits for me. I could cotton to a life of leisurely retirement. Days spent warming myself on the living room floor in a ray of sunshine, afternoons at the library while children swarmed me, evenings stretched out, bathed in the glow of the TV. It would take some getting used to, but —

  “Halo?” Lise set the cup on the counter and knelt down, turning her head sideways to look under the table at me. “Hey, girl. How’re you doing?”

  I opened one eye, closed it.

  “Remember me, Halo?” she said.

  I do, but I don’t see the point in you being here. You let Ned Hanson take me away and never came back. Just go away.

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come back for you after Cam died. Sooo sorry. Things were ... complicated.”

  I rolled over, away from her, onto my good hip. Bernadette had forgotten to give me my pill this morning. It was getting worse.

  Lise scooted a chair out and sat. Her foot was by my head. The soles of her shoes smelled vaguely like hay and ... earth. I inhaled deeply, slid my chin a little closer to her foot.

  “I just don’t think she feels like herself,” Bernadette said. “They said the break was pretty bad and it’s a wonder —” She spun around, her eyes scanning the mostly empty cabinets. She opened one, then another, then a third before finding the right one. “My age is catching up with me. I forgot her pain pill this morning.”

  After fumbling with the cap, she tapped one into her palm and came toward me. I scooted further under the table.

  “Ohhh, the last time I gave her one of these, she spit it out three times. I know she hates them. I just wish she’d understand it was for her own good.”

  This was one of the many times I wished I could explain to her that I did understand. I just didn’t like gagging on them, or the bitter taste they left in my mouth.

  “Do you mind if I have a look?” Lise asked. “I learned a few tricks over the years.”

  “Go right ahead — although you won’t find much in there.”

  Lise slid her chair back. The refrigerator door opened. She looked high and low, moved a few jars around, slid a drawer out. “Aha, here we go. I used to use bologna, but this is even better.”

  A plastic wrapper crinkled. My head shot up. I knew that smell. Was she —?

  Lise pulled a piece of raw bacon from its packaging. The first drawer she opened contained the silverware. She cut the bacon into thirds.

  “Would you like me to cook that?” Bernadette’s penciled brows folded in concern.

  “No need to.” Lise took the pill from her, then motioned for her to have a seat. “Dogs like their meat raw just as well as cooked.” She winked at Bernadette, then knelt down next to the table. “Now watch.”

  Lise dangled a piece of bacon in front of me. Saliva soaked my mouth. I licked away the drool that threatened to drip from my quivering lips. Who was I to resist this offering of peace? Careful not to snap, I took the bacon. I really, really tried to savor it, to let its smoky goodness melt on my tongue, but instinct overcame me. I swallowed it whole.

  Extending her palm, she offered another piece. This one was carefu
lly wrapped around that nasty pill. I could see the nubby little white end poking out. Still, it was wrapped in bacon, the food of gods. I slurped it up and swallowed it whole. The lump inside caught in my throat for a second. I worked my tongue in and out, feeling the urge to retch, but before I could expel it, Lise pushed another piece of bacon between my teeth. I devoured it, and the pill slid down smoothly, greased by the coating of bacon fat in my throat.

  Lise patted me gently on the head. “Good, was it?”

  Pure heaven.

  Her hand curved under my muzzle, scratched the soft place at the base of my throat. I leaned into her touch, stretched my neck. A tiny moan of delight escaped me. I flopped over onto my side, lifted my front and rear left legs as far as I could, given my condition. Her nails scrubbed at my tummy.

  Flinching as she caught a closer look at my stitches, she sucked air between her teeth. “Poor girl. She’s been through so much. If I had known ...” She smoothed the fur over my ribs. They were still tender, but her touch was light. “Was she happy with Cecil?”

  “Oh, yes! Worshipped the ground the old coot walked on. That dog was never more than five feet from him if she didn’t need to be. They had their little routine every day. Up at dawn, outside for chores until noon, errands in the afternoon, then more chores after supper. You’d have thought they’d get tired of doing that day in and day out, but no, it was like something they had to do. He took that dog everywhere he could. Did I tell you they came to the library every week for a reading program? I almost couldn’t get Cecil to come at first. Turned out he had dyslexia. He was embarrassed about it, but it was something that actually helped him connect to the kids. And Halo here ... she was so tolerant of Rusty — he’s a little boy with Down syndrome.”

  “That’s good to hear. I’m happy that she had a good life overall, even though there were some bumpy parts here and there.” She had been smoothing down my fur the whole time Bernadette was talking, but suddenly her hand paused, hovering over the place where my heart was. Her touch amplified my heartbeat. “Anyway, thanks for hanging on to her until I could get here.”

  Bernadette plucked at the cameo on her gold necklace. “Lise, maybe it’s none of my business — and you just straight up say if that’s so — but why did you ever give her up? You don’t seem like the kind of person who would’ve done something so drastic without a really good reason.”

  Pulling her hands into her lap, Lise sat back. A few moments passed before she answered. “It’s okay to ask, really. Truth is, it was the lowest point of my life. Like the whole universe was crashing in on me and I couldn’t catch a break. When I left Faderville to move in with my mom, I was pregnant. Cam and I had been trying for so long that knowing I was carrying his baby again, even after losing him so young and so suddenly ... I should have felt blessed, but I also felt incredibly sad that he would never know his own child. Then, there were the financial issues to deal with. Cam had accrued a huge amount of debt after a failed business venture. I never knew just how big those debts were until I was going over things with the lawyer after his funeral. It was a mess just getting straightened out exactly what I was or wasn’t responsible for. I had no choice but to sell our home. In the middle of all that, my dad passed away and my mom’s health issues got even worse. She had a mini stroke. For a while, she needed constant care. I couldn’t imagine leaving her in someone else’s hands. Here I was, seven months pregnant, and caring for a bedridden elderly person.”

  She kneaded at her kneecaps. “Then there were Hunter’s heart problems to deal with. I was so worried about him. I took him to every specialist within an eight-hour drive. They all told me the same thing: not to worry. But it was all I did. He’d also become withdrawn. He was functional, but non-communicative. I took him to a counselor for a few months, but then the insurance money ran out and I just couldn’t afford it with all the legal fees and medical bills that were piling up.”

  “How is he now?”

  “Better, thanks. Still very quiet though. He manages well academically at school – he just keeps to himself. He’s had a few fainting spells, but nothing more serious. We lived just outside of Covington until my mom ... she had another stroke. That one left her completely incapacitated: paralyzed on one side, unable to speak. She couldn’t even use the bathroom or feed herself. I knew then that I couldn’t care for her anymore. It was more than I could handle. My sister and I found her a good nursing home after checking out nearly two dozen. I know I shouldn’t have, but I felt guilty about leaving her at Whispering Pines.”

  “Sweetheart,” — Bernadette put a hand on Lise’s shoulder — “you did everything you could. You have two children and a life to get on with. I always tell my oldest, Paula, that if I ever become a vegetable with tubes and machines keeping me alive, I don’t want her loitering at my bedside out of guilt. Your mother, is she ...?”

  “She died, yes. Two months ago. It was hard, but not unexpected. That’s when I decided to come back to Faderville. My mom’s condo sold last year, so I have the money from that and I’m looking for someplace to live. I thought maybe if we could have a dog again, it would help Hunter. He loves animals more than anything.”

  Lise rose and pulled her gloves from her pocket. “I should probably go now. I start my new job Tuesday, so I have to do as much house hunting as I can before then. My friend Grace is watching Hunter and Cammie for a few hours and I have a couple of houses to go see. Hunter likes spending time with his sister, but they can get on each others’ nerves after awhile.”

  At the sound of Hunter’s name, I emerged from beneath the table. Had it been him that I’d seen at the fairgrounds after all? Did he remember me?

  I approached Lise and nosed the gloves she held bunched in one hand at her side.

  Please, I want to see Hunter.

  “Are you going to keep her?” Lise said, then quickly added, “I mean, I know you said you had some major surgery planned soon. I was just wondering if you had someone lined up to take care of Halo?”

  I looked from Lise to Bernadette. Fingers outspread, she turned her hand so the morning light played off the facets of the jewels in the ring that Cecil had given her. Finally, she gathered up the teacups and set them in the sink. “Are you asking if you can take the dog?”

  Suddenly, Lise looked very uncomfortable. Shaking her head, she tugged her gloves on. “Never mind. That was thoughtless of me. Halo probably means a lot to you.” She turned toward the door. “I’ll just go —”

  “Wait.” Bernadette stopped her with a hand on her arm. “Sit down a minute. Please.”

  Lise complied.

  “I’m old. I’m falling apart. Well, more physically than mentally, but the point is I’m going to be out of commission for a few weeks. I’m actually allergic to dogs, too. Downing all that antihistamine is giving me brain-fog and making me want to nap five times a day. Anyway, what’s important to me is that Halo be well cared for.”

  A flicker of hope lit in Lise’s eyes. “Okay, okay. I can do that. The kids will love having her visit. When do you think you’ll be back on your feet?”

  “Visit?” Bernadette shook her head. “I’m not just talking about a visit, Lise dear. I’m talking about Halo becoming a permanent part of your family.”

  “Permanent? You mean you’d ...? I don’t know what to say.”

  Bernadette patted her arm. “Say yes. I can hang on to her while you find yourself a place. A little dog hair for a few more days won’t kill me. There are plenty of properties up for sale around here lately and the prices are good for buying. Have you taken a look at the old McCloskey place down on Birch Hollow? Nice big yard. They kept it in good shape, too. Shouldn’t need a lot of fixing up.”

  “It was on the listings the realtor gave me. I’ll ask her if we can see it on short notice. Meanwhile, are you going to be here awhile longer? I’d like to bring the kids by to meet her first. Hunter probably remembers her, but Cammie ... She was bitten by a dog when she was three. It was a small dog, a
Lhasa Apso, but she’s been scared of dogs ever since.”

  “Don’t you worry. Halo’s a charmer.” Bernadette’s lip quivered the tiniest bit. “When would you like to come back with the kids?”

  “Would eight o’clock be okay? I know it’ll be after dark, but I’ve got a lot to do today.”

  “That’ll work just fine. I don’t have anything to do but catch up on my Hawaii Five-O episodes.”

  “Okay, I’ll be back then.” Lise bent down, took my head in her hands, and kissed me on top of the head, just like Ponytail had done. “Halo, if all goes well, you’ll be coming home with us.”

  A little bubble of happiness welled up inside me. I couldn’t help myself: I licked her face.

  chapter 28

  There was a time when I would have jumped on the couch to watch all day out the picture window at Lise’s house for Cam to come home. Right now though, I felt old. Older than I was. My left hip ached fiercely, my neck and spine were so stiff I could barely stoop to drink from my water bowl, my joints did not want to bend, nor my legs bear the weight of my body. So I lay under the table, wishing Bernadette would give me another pill so I could drift off to sleep until Lise arrived with the children.

  If I’d had the energy to go to her, stare at her, run back to the cabinet where she put the pill bottle ― which incidentally was not the one she’d put it in before ― then I might have had my needs met. Instead, I had to suffer in silence, waiting for the hours to pass, for Lise to come, for Bernadette to remember how often she was supposed to give me those pills.