Jesse

by Jo Raven

  She turns around, her mouth opening in a startled “o,” but she says nothing, and I wonder why. One thing’s for sure: I’d love a glimpse inside her mind. I bet it’s just as devastatingly complex and beautiful as the rest of her.

  Yeah… Dammit. Told you. She’s fucking dangerous.

  ***

  We step off the bus and turn into a quiet side street. Cold slithers down my spine as I trudge after Amber. This place looks somehow familiar. I can’t put my finger on it, though.

  It’s not a pretty part of town. The walls are covered in bad graffiti—which makes me itch to redo them—and there’s trash piled up on street corners. The entrances to the buildings are dirty, strewn with paper and plastic, with puddles that looks like piss. Smell like piss, too. The humid heat is unforgiving, lifting the sour stench of rotting meat and other trash, waving it into our faces.

  Familiar smells. Familiar sights. I frown, shoving my hands into my pockets. So much familiar. Can’t say I feel nostalgic, though. The itch under my skin is more like remembered fear. I haven’t missed that.

  “What happened to department stores?” I ask as we reach the end and find ourselves in another noisy, main street. “Shopping malls? Does that ring any bells?”

  She bites her lip. “Remember I don’t like parties?”

  “Yeah. What’s that got to do with it?”

  “Crowds?” She shrugs. “I hate crowds.”

  Right. I knew that, dammit. “So where’s this famous shop?”

  “Come.” She grabs my hand, and the rest of the walk goes by in a haze, the press of her slim fingers in mine burning like a fresh brand. The fire spreads through my limbs, gathering speed as her fingers clench around mine. I catch a whiff of her scent—sunshine and coconut—and the heat shoots straight to my dick.

  Hell. I harden so fast I have to slow down, reach into my jeans and adjust myself quickly. Gritting my teeth, I look up—and find Amber’s eyes on the front of my pants.

  Well, fuck me with a joystick. And damn, I can’t tell what she’s thinking. Can’t see her expression.

  Until she glances up, blue eyes darkening, and it’s like I’ve been hit by a freight train. Desire, that’s what it looks like, and her soft mouth is so close, I only need to take one step to close the distance between us and—

  “The shop is here,” she says, swallowing hard, and gestures at something behind me.

  What? I turn as if through water and blink at the small shop fronts lining the noisy street.

  …Right. My brain slowly catches up. The shop we came for.

  I belatedly nod, but she’s already walking by, leaving me behind.

  I scrub a hand over my face.

  You’re so stupid, Jesse, thinking you can read her. She’s not the kind of girl you’re used to. She isn’t looking for a night of cheap fun with you, have you forgotten? She doesn’t even really like you.

  Besides, she deserves better, and you know it.

  ***

  I’m distracted. Hell, I’m going out of my fucking mind inside the small, stuffy shop with Amber so close and yet so far she could be on the far side of the moon. She holds out pants and shirts for me to check. I grab them from her, give them a cursory glance and throw them on a handy nearby chair.

  Why in the holy fuck did I ever think this was a good idea?

  “What do you think of this one?” she asks, drawing me out of my latest self-flagellation. She’s holding a gray metallic mini dress to her chest.

  “It would certainly flatter my legs,” I say automatically, not even bothering to check if my mouth is connected to my brain. “Don’t know about the cleavage, though. I think I’ll need a Wonderbra to pull it off.”

  She gapes at me.

  Yeah. Okay, maybe it wasn’t so funny. “Of course, it would suit you, too.” I try to salvage the situation. “You won’t even need a Wonderbra. And you can wear heels, so…”

  I wince.

  When she claps a hand over her mouth, I’m sure it’s to keep from insulting me and my mother—though who my mother is, I don’t know, so why should I care?

  But the sound escaping her is more like laughter.

  Okay, cool. I step back, sink onto the chair—on top of all the clothes I’ve been piling.

  “Oh my God.” Still laughing, she grabs my arm and attempts to wrestle me back to my feet. I consider pulling her to me instead, onto my lap. Just the image has me hardening again—wait, scratch that, hardening more—and I know it’s a bad idea.

  I know, okay?

  Which is why I let her tug me to my feet and pretend to study the garments she chose for me while she goes off to the changing room to try on the dress.

  I’m in the process of pulling a shirt over my head, a metallic blue fabric that scratches my face, when I hear her voice again.

  “What do you think?”

  “Give a man a moment to breathe,” I gasp as I struggle to shove my head through the opening. It’s too small. What the fuck?

  A light giggle, a light pressure, and the opening widens enough for my head to pop out.

  “You didn’t unbutton it all the way to the top,” Amber says, smiling.

  I blink at her, and as she comes into focus, I blink again.

  Whoa. The little silver dress clings to her body, outlining her curves, from her heavy tits to the dip of her waist and the flare of her hips. She isn’t skinny, and I like that. I can imagine filling my hands with her ass and her breasts, and the image has my dick roaring back to life.

  Dammit.

  But it’s her smile that does me in. A little uncertain, insecure, yet bright as I look at her.

  Not sure what she sees on my face, though, because her smile fades and she tugs at the hem of her dress. It only serves to pull it down, so that the cleavage deepens, giving me a glimpse of the pale mounds of her tits.

  “Not good, huh?” She looks down at herself, her mouth downturned.

  “It’s perfect,” I tell her and mean it. She’s perfect. Prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Christ.

  Her smile returns. “Thanks. You don’t look so bad yourself.”

  Gah. I forgot I have a new shirt on. Metallic, too, like hers, and I haven’t even glanced at the price tag. “We’ll match.”

  Her eyes widen a fraction before she catches herself. She bents to pick up some black pants from the chair, and I ogle her, unable to stop myself.

  “Try these on.” Her voice has a slight tremor to it, and I want to grab her chin and tell her I want her, I need her, I’m dying to kiss her.

  But I don’t. Come on, I’m not that stupid. So I take the pants and go to change.

  ***

  Although I’ve been to a few stores and bought stuff, it feels weird. I try not to stare at the amount I’m paying for the shirt and pants, plus a pair of faded jeans and two plain T-shirts Amber helped me pick out.

  She says what I’m paying is not expensive.

  Hard to believe it when a year ago that amount would have covered my expenses for weeks. Granted, expenses only included food—and condoms, because dying of STD isn’t a good way to go, and they never gave us enough at the centers—as I could take free showers at the shelter where I stayed whenever there was a free bed. During winter, I would even hang around the shelter, even if there was no place to stay.

  I hate winters. Too fucking cold.

  I shiver and find Amber’s hand on my arm.

  “Okay?” she asks, and it makes me wonder how long I spaced out.

  Not that it’s unusual.

  “Yeah, let’s go.” I grab the paper bag with my folded new clothes, wonder briefly if I need shoes but decide I don’t give a damn, and stride out of the shop. Enough for one day. I turn to keep the door open for Amber, who ambles out, giving me a brief, inquisitive look.

  “Told you shopping isn’t my thing,” I say by way of explanation—and since when do I feel the need to explain myself? Fuck this.

  “It’s okay.” She cuts into a narrow side street, a different
one this time, her own bag with the silver dress dangling from one hand. “We’ll get another bus. If that’s okay with you.”

  “Sure, no problem.”

  “It didn’t go so bad, did it?”

  “It was okay.”

  “I thought the prices were fine for what you got. The fabric is good quality. My mom used to sew, and she taught me quite a bit about textiles. These are clothes that will keep. That’s what you wanted, right?”

  “Hm?”

  “JJ.” I realize Amber has stopped walking, and I almost plow into her back.

  We’re standing on the street, crowded in by buildings, their dirty windows looking in on us. Graffiti sprawls around us. A sun. A skull. A winged demon. A green dumpster looms a few feet away, a crimson stain barely visible in the gathering gloom.

  The world narrows, darkening at the edges.

  “Hey.” She’s staring at me. “You normally talk a mile a minute, and instead I’m the one chatting away. Is everything okay?”

  My skin is crawling as if with a thousand insects. Dizziness hits me, and I stumble back a step. Fuck. Bile rises in my throat.

  I know this place, this dumpster, that graffiti. It lives in my nightmares.

  I need to get away. Right the fuck now. If only I can move my legs, but my feet weigh a ton each.

  “Jesse.” Her hand touches my face and I jerk away, the past and the present mingling, bleeding into each other. “What’s the matter?”

  “Can’t,” I hiss, my breathing shallow. Can’t get enough air. Can’t focus. Can’t talk about that night.

  Blood. Pain. Yelling. Screaming. My arm burns. My head rings. The world darkens for a moment, and when I blink again, I find myself pressed against the wall with the smell of piss and decomposition, Amber’s face an inch from mine.

  “JJ. Can you hear me? Jesse!”

  “I prefer JJ,” I say automatically, trying to get my bearings. “What the hell happened?”

  “You tell me.” Her slender brows are drawn together. She looks worried. Looks like I scared the crap out of her.

  Again.

  “What did I do?” My throat hurts when I speak.

  “You spaced out, then stumbled and almost fell. You didn’t seem to hear me.”

  Fucking hell. “Sorry, Embers.”

  “It’s okay. Just tell me what happened?”

  Finding my feet is one thing. Finding my mental balance is another. I need to get out of this street, move as far away from the graffiti mocking me, the drawings that are etched in my mind like tattoos.

  “It’s just that…” I lick my lips, try again as I push off the wall, forcing her back a step. “I need to get the fuck outta here.”

  I stumble away and don’t expect her to stick by my side—why would she?—but a moment later, her arm slips around my hips, holding on.

  Not that I can’t walk on my own. My head is clearing and my balance is getting better. I should tell her that. The words are on the tip of my tongue, but I don’t speak them. She feels so incredibly good pressed to my side—and yeah, maybe I’m still a bit unsteady because her scent hits me like a sledgehammer, and there I go, stumbling again.

  “Careful,” she whispers, only that, and guides me back to the main street. It’s as if she understands it’s this place that’s bothering me.

  It’s not until we’ve boarded the bus and are sitting side by side that she puts her hand on top of mine.

  “Remember the three questions you promise to answer?” she says. “Well, here’s one: What happened back there?”

  What the fuck? Of all the things she could have asked me, why this? I hate talking about this. Haven’t talked about it in years, not since I lost Helen. I thunk my head on the window pane and stare morosely at the city as it sinks into dusk.

  Why did I accept to answer her questions? Me and my fucking big mouth.

  Chapter Eleven

  Amber

  As the bus rumbles closer to home, I keep stealing glances at Jesse, who’s dozing, slumped against the window. He works a lot, though today’s the day he gets the afternoon off, which is why we agreed on going shopping. Still, he looks so tired, the dark circles under his eyes starker than ever, and the way he looked back in that alley…

  Jesus. So pale and drawn, shaky. Eyes wide and unblinking, as if he’d seen a ghost. Scared me half to death.

  He said I don’t need to change. That I’m fine as I am. Could he be right? That I don’t have to change for the world to accept me? That I’m not the problem? If Jesse likes me as I am…

  My hand is still resting over his, its warmth reassuring. What I want is to reach up and touch his cheek, demand to know what is wrong so I can fix it. So I can see him smile again.

  Don’t go there, Amber.

  Ev warned me about him. Being friends—if that’s what we are—is okay. But if I fall for him, I might as well carve my heart to pieces and give it to the dogs.

  Nevertheless, when we approach the stop near Damage Control, I don’t wake him up, telling myself he needs to rest. Not that I want him back in my apartment, my kitchen.

  Good try, Amber.

  It doesn’t matter, anyway. Too late. As we rumble close to home, I shake him lightly, and his eyes snap open. He gives me a bleary look, glances outside, and frowns.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Come on.” I tug on his hand, and luckily he gets up and follows me off the bus without hesitation. “Didn’t want to wake you up. Besides, we have meat pie Ev’s mom brought us, and you owe me an answer.”

  Not to mention Kayla isn’t home, which gives me some breathing space.

  “An answer, huh? Kill me now,” he grumbles, staggering after me, his hand still wrapped around mine. “Save us both the trouble.”

  “No trouble for me,” I say and keep my hold on him as I unlock the building door and let him in.

  No idea why I turn into a smartass around Jesse. Few people put me at ease like that. My parents, Ev… Kayla maybe. I never thought I’d be so comfortable around a boy like him, so… wild. Covered in tats and dipped in bad history.

  Handsome like a girl’s wet dream.

  “Meat pie,” he mutters as we climb the stairs, and his stomach rumbles. “Shit.”

  “And garlic and mushroom risotto.”

  “Ev’s mom made that, too?”

  “I made that.”

  “Damn.” He gives a wolf whistle. “You know the way to a man’s heart.”

  My pulse stutters, and I stifle nervous laughter. “Yeah, right.”

  He says nothing more as we trudge up to my floor and I open the door to let him in, but he seems lost in thought, and I leave him by the couch to go and warm up the food. My question can wait ten minutes.

  My mind buzzes with worry. Whatever happened back there can’t be good.

  Only when I return with the pie and risotto in ceramic bowls, he’s asleep again. He’s curled on his side, an arm thrown over his eyes, the colorful ink and the scars underneath fascinating. They aren’t parallel, like the ones I once saw on a schoolmate’s arm, from self-harming. These are irregular, crosshatched, some deeper and darker, and some shallower, paler on his tanned skin.

  I place the dishes on the table and softly sink to my knees in front of him, observing the way his broad chest rises and falls in a steady rhythm. He works too hard, training at the tattoo shop in the mornings, at the café in the afternoons and a fast food join evenings. Ev said Rafe pays for his rent, so why did he take on an extra job?

  His hand twitches, and his breathing changes. He curls in more tightly, and a tremor goes through him, tensing the muscles in his arms. Funny how in sleep a tall guy like him can tuck his long legs in, fitting into a corner of the sofa.

  Okay, maybe funny isn’t the right word, especially when his breathing speeds up and a low moan escapes him. I watch as the nightmare pulls him under, hoping he’ll come awake on his own.

  But he doesn’t. Sweat trickles down his face as he twists on the sofa, his lungs
laboring. He’s muttering something under his breath, over and over again, but I can’t make out the words. His arm jerks, almost hitting me in the face.

  “JJ, wake up.” I wanted him to rest, not exhaust himself worse with nightmares. Jeez, he only just fell asleep. I shake him gently, my fingertips digging into his tightly coiled, hard-rock bicep. “Wake up. Come on. JJ!”

  He bolts up on the sofa, his eyes wild, and cradles his inked arm to his heaving chest as if it hurts. “Stop,” he whispers. “Just fucking stop.”

  I’m at a loss. Don’t know what to do. Never seen him like this before, so shaken. He’s always so confident and sure of himself. The fear in his wide eyes is unmistakable, and I don’t even know if he sees me, his gaze locked on something I can’t see—a scrap of nightmare that lingers.

  I pull myself onto the couch, and his eyes snap to me.

  “Embers?” he whispers.

  For some strange reason, my throat is tight. He’s out of sorts today, and it’s breaking my heart.

  “Hey,” I say and put my arms around him. “I’m here.”

  I half expect him to push me away and stomp out of my apartment, but he remains very still, breathing harshly in my loose embrace, the arm he holds to his chest pressing into my breasts. My embrace gentle, I let him be for a while, let him breathe until his heart stops pounding and his muscles unlock. His arms drop to his sides and he slumps against me, his chin resting on my shoulder.

  “Fuck,” he whispers, his voice rumbling inside his ribcage, vibrations traveling through my fingers to my arms. “I fell asleep.”

  “You work too hard.”

  He says nothing for a long time, then he starts to pull away, and I let him.

  “Talking of work… I’ll be late. I don’t have the evening off.”

  “Wait. What happened today, JJ?”

  His long lashes flutter against his cheekbones as he looks away, avoiding my gaze. “You don’t wanna know.”

  “You promised.” I wait a heartbeat, curling my legs underneath me. “We made a deal.”

  “Dammit.” He bends over, runs his hands over his head. “Goddammit.”