The Road Home

by Erin Zak

  She finds her voice and stands a little straighter. “If you’re not going to be optimistic, one of us needs to be.”

  “Oh, Gwennie, come off it. You know I’m doing this for your father. For you.” She motions to her whole body. “This isn’t for me.” She straightens her large sun hat, stiffens her spine, and raises her head. The tail of the long scarf is over her shoulder. She holds her hand out, and Gwendolyn takes it. She squeezes. “I love you, baby.” Her lips hold a pained smile. “Now, Lila, take me to the parade. It’s a beautiful day, and I’d like to get some sun.”

  After her mother squeezes one last time, she lets go, and Lila begins to push. Gwendolyn follows. She is silent for a few minutes, trying to push the thought of her mother dying out of her brain before she glances at Lila, at her apologetic eyes, at the pained expression on her face. Once again, it feels as if everyone knows more than she does. The only real issue anymore is, how much does everyone know?

  * * *

  The parade is one of the best Vale Park has had. The weather is exquisite, even with the humidity. The volleyball girls—on a float they all worked on over the past week—shout and throw candy, each making sure to blow kisses to Carol. They send kisses to Gwendolyn, too, which is wonderful for Lila to witness. The whole town is so excited to see the volleyball team, which is nice, considering football used to be all the town cared about. State champs, back-to-back, will get the attention now.

  The rest of the festivities are well attended, and Carol refuses to go home early. She is such a trooper, and even eats a few bites of pizza—cut up super small—and half an ear of corn. Not until Carol grabs Gwendolyn’s hand do they know it’s time to head home.

  Safely back at the Carter’s, Lila leans against the hallway wall as she waits for Gwendolyn to finish tucking Carol in. It sounds funny to have a grown daughter tuck her mom in, but it’s what Carol requested the past few weeks. As if she’s trying to soak up every second of time with her daughter. She can hear Gwendolyn asking, “Another blanket? A fan? Anything else?”

  Carol laughs, coughs, then says, “No, go. I’ll be okay. I promise. I’m whooped. What a beautiful day, though.” There are a couple moments of silence before Lila hears, “I am so happy you’re home. I’ve missed you.”

  Lila smiles because Carol is trying so hard. Gwendolyn’s gentle addition of, “Me, too,” also warms her heart.

  When Gwendolyn walks into the hallway, pulling the bedroom door almost closed behind her, she keeps her head down for a second longer than seems necessary. Lila lays her hand on Gwendolyn’s back and rubs softly. “You okay?”

  Gwendolyn finally looks at her. She’s not crying, which Lila feared. Not because she can’t handle the emotion, but because the closer she gets to Gwendolyn, the harder it is to see how this is all affecting her. “I am.”

  “You sure?”

  She rises onto the balls of her feet, pushes her hands into her back pockets, and sighs. “I am.” She takes a few steps toward the stairs to the foyer and stops short of the first step. “That’s the first time she’s said she missed me.” Gwendolyn turns, a smile on her lips. “It feels really nice.”

  “You two get out of here,” Carol shouts from her bedroom. “Go see the fireworks.”

  Lila laughs and shakes her head. “She’s ridiculous.”

  “I feel bad leaving her.” Gwendolyn glances at the bedroom. “What if—”

  “I’ll be fine! Your father will be home soon.”

  “Gosh, okay, Mom.” Gwendolyn laughs as they head down the stairs. “Want to go see the fireworks?”

  “I have the best spot.” As they head out with a bottle of wine and a bag full of snacks, Lila motions to her Jeep. “Get in.”

  “We’re not going to the high school?” Gwendolyn hops into the car and buckles her seat belt. “Where are you taking me, Lila Machowicz?”

  The sound of her name on Gwendolyn’s lips is invigorating. Her entire body wakes up as she turns the key, and the engine roars to life. “It’s a surprise.”

  * * *

  Vale Park is situated ten miles from the bottom tip of Lake Michigan. The town sits in a valley surrounded by typical Indiana crops: corn, hay, and soybeans. As far as Indiana towns go, it’s not bad. Close enough to Chicago to grow, far enough away to never get out of hand.

  The biggest pet peeve Lila has is knowing everyone. Trying to escape, to get a few minutes of alone time, is almost impossible. Being a teacher and a coach hasn’t helped. She could have taken off after college and never looked back. Taken a page from Gwendolyn’s book. But the idea of being so far away from Carol, David, and the town she did the bulk of growing up in didn’t sit right with her. A part of her hated being so connected to people because being connected and not being near them made her heart ache. Her younger self worked so hard at pushing everyone away. She knew how it was going to end. She’d have to say good-bye, move to another city, another army base, another everything. But something about Vale Park got into her bones.

  A couple years earlier, in an effort to escape everyday life, she stumbled upon this area. She was running and decided to take a different route, following a path which had beckoned to her a few days earlier. When she cut through the brush, a spot near the edge of a wooded area opened up. As she frequented it more and more, she found out how amazing it was. Not only did it have the very best view of sunrise and sunset, but it also had the best view of the firework display from the high school as well as from the surrounding towns. She felt like an idiot, being so proud of something she really had nothing to do with. In this case, the beauty was all Mother Nature. As proud as she was, she never shared it with anyone. She liked having something for herself in a town where nothing was ever reserved for her and her alone.

  As she pulls up to the trail leading to the clearing, she is filled with a mixture of emotions. She is excited, yes, but also scared and nervous, which makes no sense. Maybe nervous that Gwendolyn won’t like this spot which, for some reason, has become so important to her. Or maybe scared Gwendolyn will make fun of her for being so eager. She hates being eager. Because eager means the opportunity exists to be let down. And eager is the best word to describe her feelings for everything pertaining to Gwendolyn.

  Which means, eventually, she is going to be let down.

  She can feel Gwendolyn behind her. Hear her breathing. And all of it is so ridiculously erotic. As she takes the final steps into the clearing, she pulls a deep breath into her lungs and with eyes closed, holds it for a few beats before letting it out. The air smells like summer, like grass and fresh dirt. There’s a sweetness to Indiana, to the way the breeze holds itself against her skin, to the way the night air always holds promise. “I love it here,” she whispers. She opens her eyes and shyly glances at Gwendolyn. The smile on her face is heart-stopping. And almost instantly, Lila’s nerves dissipate.

  She moves a little farther into the clearing and spreads a blanket on the soft grass. She glances up as Gwendolyn takes in the last remnants of an Indiana summer sunset painted on the sky. The red and orange mingled with pink is highlighting Gwendolyn’s face as she stares into the distance. Lila wonders if this beauty will ever stop taking her breath away.

  As she sits cross-legged, she keeps Gwendolyn in sight as she follows suit. She sits, stretches, and leans back, propping herself up with her hands. She seems more at peace than she has since arriving in Vale Park.

  Lila’s not sure who owns the land, who mows the land, but in those moments, she is so grateful the spot exists if for no other reason than she’s finally alone with the one woman she shouldn’t be pining after.

  Yet, here I am.

  “It’s so peaceful.” Gwendolyn’s sigh sounds fitting against the backdrop.

  Lila grabs the bottle of wine, uncorking it expertly before realizing, “Whelp, we forgot glasses.” She laughs as she passes the bottle to Gwendolyn’s outstretched hand.

  “You’re okay with drinking from the bottle, I hope.” She places her lips around t
he opening and pulls a few swallows of rosé.

  Lila laughs. “When I was in college, we drank from a bag of wine more times than I’d like to admit.”

  “Franzia?” Gwendolyn asks, her voice low, sultry, as she passes the bottle. “Classy.”

  “Oh, you know it.” Lila notices the goose bumps on her arms and legs. She should have worn a sweater. She also should never have let this woman and her hair and her legs and her voice and—her eyes, sweet Jesus, her eyes—into her mind. She takes the bottle, fingers grazing Gwendolyn’s, and raises it to her lips. “Happy Fourth.”

  A silence falls between them as the sky continues to darken. Lila sets the bottle between them before she leans back, props herself up with her hands, and tries to enjoy the few moments of breathing room.

  “Lila?”

  She moves her gaze to Gwendolyn, to her profile, her bent head. “Yes?”

  “My mom is going to die, isn’t she?”

  To say she is taken by surprise would be an understatement. She has no idea how to answer, what to say, how to feel, anything. Not that she hasn’t thought the very same thought, but she’s never imagined having to discuss it. Out loud. With someone other than the voice inside her head.

  “Your lack of a response is pretty telling.” Gwendolyn looks over, makes eye contact, and shrugs.

  Something inside Lila is pushing her to speak. She swallows, though, because what her mouth may say is not going to be what either of them want to hear.

  Gwendolyn looks back at the field. “It’s okay. You can say it.”

  She stares down at her bare knees. “Maybe.”

  “I never heard her admit defeat before.” Gwendolyn pulls her knees to her chest, wraps her arms around her legs, and props her chin up. “She has always been the strongest person I know.”

  “Hey.” Lila’s first instinct is to put her hand on Gwendolyn’s back. She rubs, moving over the back of her bra, under her shirt, to the waistband of her shorts, then back up. “She is still the strongest person we both know. Okay?”

  Gwendolyn looks as if she’s forcing a smile. “You think?”

  Lila nods. “It’s a fact.”

  “Did you like growing up with her?”

  The question is simple, but the emotion it causes is not. “They were the best years of my life.”

  “Why?”

  “Gosh.” Lila removes her hand, looks up at the sky, and laughs. “I mean, she never let me get away with anything.”

  “Same.”

  After a shared laugh, Lila smiles. “She was so supportive when I came out.” She sees the change in Gwendolyn’s demeanor. “Is that…” Gwendolyn is still looking at her, eyes filling with tears, and Lila knows it’s going to take only a small push for her to explain, to say the words Lila’s never been able to get out of anyone. Not Bella. Not David. And certainly not Carol. “Can you tell me what happened?”

  Gwendolyn motions from the top of her head to her toes. “This. This happened.” She shrugs.

  The gentle breeze stirs her scent, perfume coupled with rosé and sweat, and there’s something so sexy about the smell that Lila has to look away. She pulls a deep breath and wills herself to calm down. “That’s pretty vague,” she says, her voice barely above a whisper.

  Gwendolyn is watching her every move. And while it’s not exciting to be placed under a microscope, to be studied with a ferocity reserved for a favorite subject, an obsession, causes her to feel more alive than she has ever felt before.

  “My mom caught me in bed with a teammate.”

  Lila turns her head. “Really?”

  “Yes.”

  “And that’s what happened?”

  “Well…” Gwendolyn stretches her legs, crosses the ankles, and runs her hands down to her knees. “I told her a couple years before I thought something was wrong with me. I had a boyfriend in eighth grade, and it didn’t feel right. I was always nervous…nothing felt right. She didn’t care or want to listen. I figured it out on my own.”

  “Wait. Are you saying…” Lila shakes her head. “This whole rift is because you’re gay?”

  “It sounds pretty simple, right? To be honest, she won’t talk to me about it. And I don’t know how to bring it up. It’s kind of strange, considering.”

  Lila decides to play dumb. “Considering?”

  “She loves you, and you’re a lesbian.”

  Well, she didn’t hesitate, did she? “I mean—”

  “Wait, I didn’t read this wrong, did I? You are?”

  “You didn’t read it wrong. I just…” She looks across the field. The fireflies are starting to light up, the humid air excellent for the tiny bugs. Everything is gorgeous, and it makes her wish they weren’t talking about the current subject because a good outcome feels futile. “I don’t think Carol was super excited about me being a lesbian. But I’m not her daughter. I’m just, well, me.”

  “She loves you like a daughter. I think she loves you more than she ever loved me.”

  “That’s not true, Gwen.” Lila sighs. “I don’t think that’s fair, either. You know I had nothing to do with how everything happened.”

  “What did happen?”

  She looks back at the softness in her eyes, at her hair, how it’s blowing ever so gently in the calm night breeze. “Well, my dad was in the military.” She shrugs. “They were amazing parents. They really were. And I was such a shit.” The admission elicits a chuckle from Gwendolyn, and the sound is welcome in the quiet evening air. “When they received orders to be stationed in Germany, I didn’t want to leave. It was my senior year, and I finally found a spot where I didn’t feel as if my skin was going to crawl off my body. I struggled. A lot.”

  “With?”

  “Me? With who I was…a person I knew my parents weren’t going to love for being—”

  “A lesbian?”

  Lila nods. “Your mother spoke to my parents and asked if they would allow me to finish the school year. I was the team’s best player. She didn’t want to lose the championship. Or at least, that’s what she said.”

  “She didn’t want to lose you, either,” Gwendolyn says softly. “That much is clear.”

  “I’m really sorry.”

  “About what?” She laughs as she leans forward. “It’s not your fault.”

  “I feel like it is.”

  “Well,” She places her hand on Lila’s thigh, right above her knee, and it makes her feel as if she is a firework with a lit fuse, ready to explode and light up the darkness. Gwendolyn squeezes and smiles, which causes Lila’s heart to momentarily stop. “You gave my mom something she didn’t have with me. For that, I’m actually thankful. As much as I wish things were different, I know she at least had happiness when I caused so much darkness in her life.”

  She doesn’t know how to handle everything. One second, she knows she should run away, and the next, she wants to run toward it with open arms and heart. She’s scared and excited, and it’s making her want to cry and laugh. She’s never felt more conflicted in her entire life. Yet she’s not confused at all about her feelings for Gwendolyn, who has somehow become everything Lila didn’t know she needed but so desperately wants. “I’m sorry your mother made you feel you were anything but amazing.”

  “Oh, I’m far from amazing.” Gwendolyn laughs as she moves her hand, and Lila misses the contact. Gwendolyn takes the tie from her hair and shakes her head as the hair cascades from the elastic restraint. Blondes have never really been her thing until Gwendolyn waltzed into her life. She normally goes after redheads or brunettes. She isn’t sure why, other than she feels a little inadequate when it comes to blondes. Because the first time she saw a picture of Gwendolyn on Carol’s bedside table, she knew she’d never measure up. And here she finds out she was more accepted than Gwendolyn ever was. The whole thing has been jarring and makes her stomach turn, and not in a good way. The realization makes everything inside her falter. She shouldn’t be feeling any type of way about Gwendolyn Carter.

  Not
only is Gwendolyn out of her league, but she is going to go back to California. Who knows when, but it’s going to happen. And Lila will be left in Vale Park, a town she loves but that sparkles a little brighter with Gwendolyn’s presence. Everything seems to sparkle a little brighter with Gwendolyn’s presence. Even the fireflies. Even the fireworks. And as the first few sequences light up the sky, Lila tries to remind herself how impossible this whole scenario is.

  She glances over at Gwendolyn when she hears a small, “Ooo.” She can’t help the feelings bubbling inside her. At this point, protesting is pointless because fighting it means that when she finally lets go, she’s going to devour every last fiber of Gwendolyn. Her body, her heart, and her soul. And while it sounds exciting, Lila knows afterward, recovery will be even harder than resisting this woman’s beauty.

  There’s something about Gwendolyn, though. Lila cannot for the life of her shake it. She’s starting to understand why addicts break down and drink again, use again.

  The more time she spends with Gwendolyn, the more she has no idea how to live without her. And it’s scary as hell.

  Chapter Twelve

  Gwendolyn keeps trying to wipe the smile from her face as she watches Lila drive away. She made sure she didn’t give in and kiss her as they sat staring longingly at each other in the driveway, the radio playing Maggie Rogers, the air conditioning on the exact temperature to cause goose bumps. The opportunity was there to cross the line both of them had drawn in the sand, but she refused to be the one who fucked everything up. She’d been fucking everything up her entire life when it came to her love and women. But when Lila leaned over and whispered, “Everything about you is driving me crazy,” against Gwendolyn’s cheek before she kissed the spot, it was enough to engulf her in flames like those of the fireworks.

  She turns when she can’t see the taillights of the Jeep any longer and opens the front door. She creeps through the hallway to the study where her dad should be. The lights are on, but he’s nowhere to be found. She finds herself praying he came home and is upstairs with her mother. She heads upstairs, each step creaking on the old wood. She can hear her mother whimpering. She takes the last stairs two at a time and rushes to the bedroom door. She pushes it open, and her heart drops. Her mother is on her side, crying, her legs moving.