The Road Home

by Erin Zak

  He glances at her before he bends again and continues staring into the fridge. “I’ve been very busy at work.”

  “You’re a goddamn liar,” she says with a forcefulness she has never used on him before. “It’s summer. I know what happens at the university in summer. A lot of fucking nothing. So tell me the truth. What is going on?” She watches him pull out three Tupperwares of leftovers. Food that friends have brought over to be helpful. Food she has made even though she hates cooking. Food she feels very strongly about not sharing with him since he hasn’t helped at all. “That is not for you.” He continues to ignore her and turns to the counter. The door to the fridge is standing wide open, so she slams it. The glass containers in the door rattle, and she shakes her head. “Are you going to answer me?”

  “You’re being irrational.” His voice is so calm. Of course, he hasn’t been through the wringer for the past day and a half.

  “Mom was in the fucking hospital, Dad. And you were nowhere to be found. I called you and called you. I needed you.” She’s fighting the emotion rising up her throat. She doesn’t want to cry because he doesn’t deserve to see her like that. But dammit, she loves her dad, and why is he being like this?

  He grabs her by the shoulders and pulls her into a hug. He’s crying, and she can no longer hold back the emotion. She starts to sob as she hits him on the back. The blow is not nearly as hard as she wants it to be because she’s exhausted. But it feels good to take her anger out on him, even if it is a pitiful attempt. “I’m sorry,” he whispers through his sobs. “I can’t handle this, Gwennie. I can’t do this.”

  “You can’t disappear, Dad. You can’t. I need you.”

  “I don’t know how to deal with her like this.” He loosens his arms and pulls away. He cries like she does, all over and all at once. No single tears. It’s a waterfall, or it’s nothing. Who is she kidding? It’s always a waterfall. She’s been a crier for as long as she can remember. And her dad was always the one to calm her down, to walk her back from the precipice, and now she’s having to do it for him.

  “Dad, you need to help. You have to.” She grabs him by the thin biceps. “You are her husband, for Christ’s sake. She needs you.”

  “She needs you.” His voice cracks. “She wanted you here. She asked me to have you here. She needs you. Not me.”

  Gwendolyn lets her hands drop. “That doesn’t give you the right to miss out on the hardest moments of her life.”

  “I had many hard moments with her.”

  “You’re an asshole.” She wipes her nose with the back of her hand before she points at him. “And a coward. You don’t deserve her.” She sees the low blow smack him as his face falls. “Leave.”

  He moves to the counter to continue making a plate, but she grabs him by the arm.

  “No. I said leave. Get out of here.”

  “This is my house, Gwendolyn Carter. I will not be told to leave.”

  Her anger is no longer controllable as the words, “Leave! Now!” rip from her throat. He must understand how serious she is because he drops the fork with a clang and marches past her, through the kitchen to the side door. When it slams behind him, she collapses on the floor, shaking and crying. Where has the man she loved so much gone? Where has her dad disappeared to? What happened to their marriage?

  * * *

  “Girls, remember, Coach Carter is not herself right now. She invited us over, but the loud, rambunctious assholes you typically are cannot emerge. Okay?” Lila has her arms gathered around the varsity volleyball starters huddling on the front porch of the Carters’ home before going inside to see Carol.

  “We know, Coach. We wanted to see her…we miss her.” Joleen is near tears, so Lila places a hand on her cheek.

  “No crying. Promise?”

  “No, I can’t promise.” Her voice is soft. “But I’ll try.”

  Stacey wraps her arm around Joleen’s waist. “I’ll help you.”

  Miranda and Ella smile. “We’ll help, too.”

  “Thank you, girls.” Lila clears her throat and opens the front door. “Hello? We’re here.”

  She waits a second before she hears Gwendolyn’s voice. “We’re back here.”

  Lila heads in, the girls following through the house. When she enters the kitchen, she sees Carol at the breakfast nook. A few days have passed, and despite the blood transfusion, she’s been very weak and tired. Today, she’s really turned it around. It was her idea to invite the girls. Gwendolyn said she really missed them, so it seemed like a good idea. Not until Lila sees Carol, though, does she agree.

  Carol looks tired but good sitting in the corner. The sun is shining through the window, and she’s smiling brightly. Her smile when the girls enter is everything Lila loves about her. They rush over, clamoring into the nook to hug her. Carol laughs and laughs, and when Lila catches the look of joy on Gwendolyn’s face, she can’t help but be taken aback by her beauty. She knows she’s staring, but in that moment, she doesn’t care. Gwendolyn happy is one of the few things in life Lila wants to see until the day she dies.

  “How are my girls?” Carol asks as she places a hand on Miranda’s and Ella’s cheeks. The two seniors and the heart of the team. She smiles. “Are you keeping them in line?” She tilts her chin down, peering over the top of her reading glasses, and Miranda and Ella nod. Miranda sniffles, and before anyone can distract her, she’s crying.

  “I thought you were going to stop me from crying?” Joleen asks with a laugh, and the whole group starts in, including Carol. They’re happy tears, though, as far as Lila can tell because laughter keeps bubbling as they wipe at their eyes.

  Lila glances at Gwendolyn, whose eyes also well, and nudges her. “Hey now,” she whispers. “None of that.”

  “I know,” she says softly as she looks at the ceiling “This is not what I signed up for.”

  Lila chuckles as she wraps an arm around her shoulders. “Me neither, yet here we are.” They both laugh as the girls continue asking Carol questions. Lila catches Gwendolyn’s eye. She tilts her head, motioning for her to follow. They turn the corner into the hallway, and Lila spins slowly. The look in Gwendolyn’s eyes is unmistakable. “You okay?”

  She nods.

  “You sure?”

  She nods again.

  “Because you seem—” She’s cut off by Gwendolyn’s lips on hers. She laughs as she pulls away. “What about the girls?”

  Gwendolyn smiles, shrugs, and as she pushes Lila’s hair behind her ear, she says, “I needed to feel your lips again.”

  A chill races through Lila’s body, leaving goose bumps in its wake. She displays her arm and laughs. “You do this to me. Do you see that?”

  “You do things to me, too…things I can’t show you right now.” Her eyebrows lift, and she licks her lips. It takes everything in Lila to not lunge, push her against the wall, and devour her. The hour long make out session the other night wasn’t nearly enough time to explore the depths of her kisses.

  “Oh, but you plan on showing me one day, hmm?”

  Gwendolyn nods, a smirk displayed. “Without a doubt.”

  “Good because I have no idea what it could be, and I’m very intrigued.” Her sarcasm is thick, and her performance of playing dumb is not lost of Gwendolyn, thank God, because she leans forward, deleting the space between them.

  “Go out with me tonight. Please.”

  “Can your mom be alone?”

  “Aunt Donna is coming over to stay a couple days.” Her face falls the tiniest of bits. “Since my dad has been a fucking useless asshole.”

  Gwendolyn’s disdain for her father is something Lila understands, so she intertwines their fingers. “I would love to go out with you.”

  “I’ll pick you up.” She closes the rest of the distance and brushes her lips against Lila’s. “Seven o’clock.”

  “Jesus,” she says under her breath as Gwendolyn backs away, a small giggle coming out of her mouth.

  * * *

  “You reall
y think this is a good idea?”

  Gwendolyn sighs from her sprawled position on the floor. Bella has come to visit, but her mother was too tired from the volleyball team to keep her eyes open. The last time Gwendolyn had a heart-to-heart with Bella was months and months ago. And so much has happened since then. It seems like a lifetime. “No.” She sits upright and crosses her legs. “But nothing good has happened to me in so long…it feels really nice to be happy, even though everything else is shit.”

  Bella blows a bubble with her gum. She pops it and pulls it back into her mouth, where she chomp, chomp, chomps it back into the larger mass. She has been chewing gum to calm down since she was thirteen. Some things never change, and it’s comforting to see. “Lila is a complicated character. I hope you know that.”

  “I mean, I feel like I’ve been figuring that out. Little by little.”

  “It doesn’t piss you off any longer that she’s your mom’s favorite?”

  “Wow,” Gwendolyn says with a laugh. “The gum hasn’t helped you be any less of a bitch, I see.”

  Bella laughs and raises both hands. “I didn’t mean it like that. You’re the one who thought it. Not me. I’ve always known the truth.” She shrugs. “And besides, your jealousy wasn’t misplaced or invalid. You had every right to feel what you were feeling. Every right.”

  “Okay, but you were all, ‘blah, blah, blah, she’s gay, and your mother loves her.’ And now you’re telling me I was allowed to be jealous?”

  “I never said you weren’t allowed to be jealous. I said it might have been a good thing that you left. It gave your mother time to see being gay isn’t a fucking crime.” She swirls the ice in her tea before she takes a generous drink. She sets it on a coaster on the end table next to the couch where she’s sitting, legs stretched in front of her. She’s still wearing her work clothes, an adorable knee-length black dress, and her hair is in curls that frame her face. Since high school, she’s not only started and run a successful business, but she blossomed into a lovely woman, and Gwendolyn loves seeing her so happy and fulfilled. “I never thought she’d get over catching you with Summer Hasselbeck. My God. The rampage she went on.”

  Gwendolyn laughs as the memory floods back. “She was not happy. That’s for sure.”

  “I was positive you were going to boarding school.” She leans forward and points. “Remember when she made us run all of those bleacher laps the next day at practice?”

  “How could I forget? It was like she thought she could run the lesbian out of me.”

  “She sure the fuck tried, didn’t she?”

  “I was in the best shape ever that year,” Gwendolyn says while continuing to laugh, which actually feels good. She’s only spoken about the memory with disdain before, but now the laughter is flowing, and for the first time since it all happened, she doesn’t feel the spark of hatred inside. “Maybe it was good I left, and Lila swooped in.”

  “Oh, wait a second…does that mean you think I’m right again?”

  Gwendolyn shakes her head. “Absolutely not.” She laughs when Bella flips her off. “Do you want to know something?”

  “Of course.”

  “This is the first time I’ve spoken about that day and didn’t end up in tears.”

  The smile that spreads across Bella’s face is wonderful. “I’m proud of you.” She shrugs as she picks up her tea again. “Maybe this is a good idea.”

  “You think so?”

  “What’s the worst that could happen?”

  “Right? I’ve already spent the last seventeen years not being part of the family. I’ll exile myself again.” Gwendolyn laughs. “It’s not like I missed anything.”

  “Ouch.” Bella rolls her eyes. “Thanks a lot.”

  “You know what I meant.”

  “Listen, seriously,” Bella says as she swings her legs around and leans forward so her elbows are resting on her knees. “Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”

  “I promise. I really like her, Bell. Like, more than I thought possible.”

  “More than you thought possible to like her or anyone?”

  “Honestly?” She sighs. “More than anyone.”

  “That’s huge.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  “Jesus.” Bella laughs. “You’re fucked.”

  “Again, tell me about it.” Gwendolyn shakes her head, then continues to discuss everything. She doesn’t leave out details, including the way she felt after the fireworks, after the kiss, after everything. It feels good to talk, to hear herself come to the realization that Lila Machowicz is changing everything about her, including her relationship with her mother, which she never thought possible. Not enough time has passed for her to admit deep feelings, but she can’t deny the intensity. Lila has gone from a thorn in her side to the bloom on the rosebush. Lush and full of beauty, ready to blossom and show everyone how incredible she really is. The best part is, regardless of the amount of time she’s known Lila, Gwendolyn has already seen the incredible parts. She can’t imagine how amazing she’ll be when enough time passes where she can finally see the beauty of Lila fully blossomed.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Lila has been to Stacks a thousand times. In fact, the last time she was here was with Gwendolyn, when she felt like a giant piece of shit for her place in Carol’s life. Wow, how far the two of them have come.

  She’d been on dates here before and has never once been nervous. She knows more than half of the wait and bus staff. And the owner, Nicholas, is a great friend. There has never been a reason for her to be nervous.

  Until tonight.

  She has never been so nervous when she gets out of the car near the valet stand, and she even knows the goddamn valet, Tony. Him telling her how nice she looks doesn’t help matters either.

  She doesn’t really understand why she’s nervous. She doesn’t have to try to impress Gwendolyn. They already like each other. They’ve kissed. More than once. More than a hundred times if she counts the make out session the first night.

  God, the make out session.

  Talk about feeling like a high schooler all over again. Straddling someone on the couch, feeling completely happy and turned on yet telling herself she’s not ready to go all the way. The exact same scenario happened more than once on the couch in the den at the Carters’. Except now it’s actually happening with a Carter.

  Tonight is a chance to get out of the house together and have dinner…with the knowledge that she desperately wants to rip Gwendolyn’s clothes off and fuck her for hours and hours until Gwendolyn is so spent, she begs her to stop.

  Jesus.

  Lila takes a deep breath and shakes the very dirty thought from her head as she enters the restaurant, Gwendolyn close behind. The place is packed. The lobby is full of couples, most of whom she’s seen before. Vale Park is suffocating sometimes. Not unlike the small lobby they’re presently jammed into. Gwendolyn’s hand is on the small of Lila’s back, and when she slides it around to her side and grips her gently, Lila feels the zip of nervous energy tingle in her center.

  Gwendolyn presses against her back and whispers, “We have a reservation. I’ll go check us in.”

  Lila’s words are lost, and no amount of clamoring is going to help. She nods, and Gwendolyn scoots past, her hand not leaving Lila’s back until the very last second.

  The worst part about the entire evening so far? Nothing about Gwendolyn is helping calm her down. Sure, Gwendolyn is being lovely and kind and attentive. Partly because she is so fucking wonderful, but she must sense Lila’s nerves. Her light conversation has worked, but the black wrap dress and gold sandals and gold hoop earrings bring Lila’s nerves right back to life. She curled her hair, and the way the curls fall over her shoulders is so mesmerizing that it hurts to look at her. She’s wearing more makeup than normal and some sort of sparkly highlight to her chest; when the lights hit her, she shimmers, and it’s fitting considering how she makes Lila feel. Truth be told, Lila is having a hard time focu
sing on anything but her chest. That fucking dress is showing the right amount of cleavage. and add the shimmer on top of everything else?

  Lord help me.

  Someone should kill her now because she’s never going to survive the evening.

  “Oh, Lila, love!”

  She hears Nicholas before she sees him and flashes back to the last time she was here, when she was so nervous to sit at a table with Gwendolyn. Of course, her nerves now are for different reasons. Then she was scared of Gwendolyn, and now, she is scared of what she might do. “Nicholas,” she says as he wraps his arms around her. “You look adorable as always.”

  He pulls away and eyes her. “Honey, you look incredible. This little ensemble is very attractive. What’s the occasion?”

  She blushes. She picked navy-blue skinny slacks and a mustard colored sleeveless top. The top ties at the front, is slightly cropped, and shows off her tan. She decided on it for those obvious reasons. It sounds a little conceited, but the color really compliments her complexion and hair. And the first time she met Gwendolyn, she was wearing this color, and for some crazy reason, she wants a redo on that evening. “Thank you, my love. I figured it’d be warm in here, and I wasn’t wrong.”

  He fans himself with his hand. “Oh fuck, girl, the air conditioner has been working on overtime. We’ve been busy since we opened today. Well, every day. But especially today. Come on. I have your table. Who are you here with? Do I need to cancel a reservation under someone else’s name?”

  She blushes and tries to hide it, but he catches her dip of the head.

  “You’re here with Gwendolyn Carter, aren’t you? I saw her glide up to the stand and thought to myself, ‘Self, she’s here with my girl Lila, and I hope to fuck she’s tapping that ass later.’”