Tomorrow's Lullaby

by Lindzee Armstrong

  But it had been nearly two weeks. She’d text him today.

  “Someone’s calling you early,” Aaron teased.

  “It’s just my obnoxious ex.”

  “Oh.” Aaron’s voice cooled considerably. “He’s really persistent, isn’t he?”

  “Don’t worry. He just wants to get back in touch with someone we knew back in the day.” There, that sounded noncommittal. “Things didn’t end on very good terms with this particular group of friends, so I told him I’d ask if it was okay to share their contact information. I’ll text him when we get to class.”

  “Okay.”

  “He’s not trying to get me back.”

  “I believe you.” Aaron grabbed her hand and held it the rest of the way to school.

  In class, Sienna pulled out her phone and texted Dane while Aaron booted up his laptop.

  Sienna: Spoke to Kyra last night. She said she’d talk to David, but that you could contact them through the agency.

  The response was almost immediate.

  Dane: You can’t just give me their info so I can call them?

  Sienna: Don’t push it. I told them I thought you’d lost your chance and shouldn’t be given another one, but they might be more forgiving than me. If you’re serious, you’ll go through the middleman until they decide otherwise.

  Sienna dropped her phone in her backpack, not waiting to see if Dane would respond. She didn’t really care. Yes, he’d been young and immature and scared when they found out about the baby. But so had she, and she hadn’t turned around and run away.

  Aaron reached over and threaded his fingers through hers. Sienna loved the feel of his hand, strong and secure. She relished the feel for the rest of class, even though it meant she didn’t take a single note.

  “So we’ll meet at my house on Tuesday for the screening of next week’s shows,” Aaron said as everyone closed up their notebooks at the end of the study session. They sat under the same picnic table in the commons where they’d first met, leaves occasionally falling from the trees above them.

  “Sounds good,” Owen said.

  “I’ll try to be there.” Kelsey sighed, slinging her backpack over one shoulder. “My sister’s meeting with an adoption case worker that afternoon, and I said I’d go with her. I’m not sure how long that sort of thing takes.”

  Sienna focused on zipping up her backpack and tried to sound nonchalant. “Is your sister pregnant?”

  “Yes. I don’t know how she let this happen, but she’s way too young to be a mom. I think she’s going to give away the baby.”

  “Place the baby,” Sienna said automatically.

  Kelsey raised an eyebrow, and Sienna felt her palms grow sweaty. She avoided looking at Aaron.

  “They say ‘place the baby for adoption,’ not ‘give away,’” Sienna clarified. “It’s more positive language. I’ve had a few friends that either adopted children or were adopted themselves.”

  “Adoption is hard, whatever words are used,” Aaron said.

  Kelsey shrugged. “I’m sure it’ll be difficult, but I hope she does place the baby. She’s applying to law schools, and a kid’s going to mess that up.”

  Sienna’s spine stiffened, and it took all her effort to keep her voice steady. “There are night classes. It’s about what’s best for the baby.”

  “Kendra isn’t really mom material,” Kelsey said. “She’s really cold, and has never liked kids, you know? Anyway, I’ll try to come on Tuesday. If I don’t make it, I’ll watch the shows on my own.”

  “So ignorant,” Aaron muttered once the others had left.

  “Kelsey doesn’t know what she’s talking about,” Sienna said, trying to keep her voice calm. But it seemed like Kendra did know what she was doing—choosing the best future for her baby. Just like Sienna had.

  “It took everything in me not to give her a piece of my mind.”

  Yeah, Sienna knew what he meant. Kelsey had been so flippant. “I’m proud of you for keeping quiet.”

  “Her sister’s ready to get rid of the baby just because it doesn’t fit into her plans.”

  Okay, now she disagreed with him. “I doubt that’s the real reason Kendra’s considering adoption.”

  “She’s dooming her child to a lifetime as an outsider. Why didn’t my mom keep me? Was I an inconvenience she didn’t want to deal with?”

  Sienna placed a soothing hand on his arm. “Your birth mom loves you. I bet she would’ve given anything to keep you.”

  Aaron snorted. “She couldn’t have wanted me too badly, or she would’ve found a way.”

  Heat rose up her collar, and Sienna clenched her fists, trying desperately to hold her frustration at bay. He didn’t know he was partly talking about her. “You don’t know your mother’s circumstances. She could’ve been a teenager. She could’ve had no family support. She could’ve been homeless or uneducated or any number of things. I’m sure she thought she was giving you the best hope for a bright future.”

  “I know that, logically. But it’s hard to convince myself that’s true here.” He tapped his heart. “I can’t believe Kelsey’s sister is really going to give her baby away. Just like that. Doesn’t she love him?”

  Okay, the claws were going to come out if he didn’t stop talking. “Adoption isn’t about not loving your baby. Don’t you think that most birth moms would rather parent?”

  “Obviously not, or they would.”

  “It isn’t about what the birth mom wants. It’s about what she believes is best for her child.” Her voice came out louder than intended, and Aaron gave her a strange look.

  “Do you know any birth moms?” Aaron asked.

  She could lay it all out, right here, right now. She could tell him that she was a birth mother, and that giving Hunter up had been the hardest thing she’d ever done. “Yes. And all the birth moms I know did it out of love.”

  Coward. She was probably a thousand kinds of stupid to not tell him. If he couldn’t accept this part of her life, then they had no future together.

  But she couldn’t bring herself to tell him. Not yet. Not now, when he was so obviously upset.

  “I think you’re refusing to see the other side of the coin,” Sienna continued. “Birth moms do love their babies—more than anything, including themselves. They’d never be able to place them otherwise.”

  Aaron folded his arms, his eyes dark. “Is that what the birth moms you know say?”

  “Yes.”

  “How do you know so many?”

  Sienna shrugged and looked away. She couldn’t tell him about the hours she’d spent in birth mom support groups. “Adoption is so common these days. Everyone knows someone connected to adoption. Surely you do, too.”

  “I’ve never met a birth mom, but I have met a lot of other adopted kids. Most of them feel as lost as I do. If my bio mom loved me so much, she should’ve stayed a part of my life. I don’t even know her name.” He gave a hollow laugh. “I’m reduced to begging people on social media to pass around my photo, in the hopes she sees it and contacts me.”

  “Adoptions were different back then. Your mom might’ve wanted an open adoption, but been refused one.”

  Aaron threw up his arms, his eyes blazing. “Why are you defending her? She could’ve been a selfish drug addict who didn’t give me a second thought.”

  “And she could’ve been a scared sixteen-year-old who saw no other option.” Sienna closed her eyes and took a deep breath, consciously willing her blood pressure to lower. “Aaron, I’m not trying to discredit your feelings. Adoption has been hard for you. But not all situations are like yours. I think you’re being overly harsh of birth moms and are refusing to see the other side of the story.”

  “Maybe. But I’ve spent twenty-two years living this side of the story, trying to understand how my bio mom could give me away. Why my adoptive family treated me different than my sisters. Why I have always been on the outside. Call it being un-Christian, close-minded, whatever. But I don’t think I’ll ev
er feel like adoption is the best choice for most situations. If I ever meet my bio mom, I’m going to have some really hard questions for her.”

  Sienna folded her arms tightly around herself, the September breeze suddenly cutting through her like icicles.

  He didn’t know her. He didn’t know her situation.

  He didn’t understand.

  “I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree about this for now,” Sienna said, her voice distant.

  Aaron pulled her into a hug and pressed his face into her hair. “I’m sorry, Sienna. I wasn’t trying to be mean. This is just a subject I feel really strongly about.”

  So did Sienna. But she wouldn’t tell him about Hunter today.

  As their relationship progressed—if it progressed—Aaron would get to know her better. She could explain the whole thing, and he’d understand that her situation was different than his. She had wanted Hunter more than anything, had ached to be a mother in every sense of the word.

  But she had also wanted to live her own life. Go to college, date, be a young adult.

  I’m not Aaron’s bio mom, she reminded herself. She talked to Hunter every week. She visited every time she was in Utah. He knew who she was, and that she loved him. And Kyra and David weren’t anything like Aaron’s parents. They treated Hunter with just as much love and consideration as they treated Sophie.

  But still, it hurt to know that if Aaron knew about Hunter, he probably wouldn’t be holding her right now.

  “Jared’s taking you to a soup kitchen?” The distaste in Liv’s voice was obvious.

  Sienna nodded, grabbing her wallet off the kitchen counter.

  “Sounds dirty. Boring.”

  “It’s charitable.” Sienna had gone all gooey inside when he invited her to join him. She wanted a guy who helped the homeless. “His company helps out there once a week, and it’s his turn to volunteer.”

  “And that means he has to take you with him?”

  A soft knock sounded at the door.

  Liv glanced at the oven clock and rolled her eyes. “Mr. Boring’s even early for this lame date. Aaron would’ve come up with something much better.”

  “Shhh.” Sienna said, butterflies spreading their wings in her stomach at the mere mention of Aaron. “Jared might hear you. I think it’s great.”

  “Well then, have fun I guess.” Liv grabbed a muffin off the counter and disappeared into the bedroom.

  Sienna shook her head and headed for the door. Liv was many things, but a philanthropist wasn’t one of them. It said a lot about Jared’s character that he’d planned this for a date.

  “Hey,” Sienna said, giving Jared a hug.

  “Hey yourself.” He dropped a brief kiss on her lips. She willed herself to feel something—anything—at the brief contact.

  It didn’t work.

  “Sorry we’re not doing something more exciting,” Jared said as they walked to his car.

  Sienna’s cheeks heated. “Did you overhear Liv?”

  “No, what did she say?”

  “Nothing,” Sienna said quickly.

  Jared raised an eyebrow, but shrugged. “Well, anyway. I promise I’ll take you somewhere nice on our next date.”

  “Oh, please.” Sienna gave Jared a gentle shove. “Like I’m going to complain about serving food to the homeless. Only a jerk isn’t willing to help out at a soup kitchen when invited.”

  “Thanks for being so cool about it.”

  Sienna had been expecting dingy and old, but the soup kitchen was spotless and updated. Stainless-steel appliances and farm-style sinks filled the kitchen, and the front half of the building held several long tables with benches.

  An employee in a white apron and hairnet led them to a long counter with a plexi-glass shield and explained their task. It was mostly for Sienna’s benefit, since Jared had been there before. Then the employee left.

  “So basically, I put a scoop of macaroni salad on each plate,” Sienna said.

  Jared nodded. “Easy peasy.”

  At five o’clock the doors opened and people trickled in, winding around the long tables and forming a line in front of the cafeteria-style counter. They ranged in appearance from extremely ragged to well-kept.

  Jared smiled at the first woman in line. She had the stringy hair and sunken eyes of a drug user. When she extended her tray, Sienna saw the track marks on her arm.

  “Hey, Dani.” Jared set a scoop of mixed fruit on her plate. “How are you doing?”

  Dani smiled, and her whole face lit up. “Got a job stocking shelves at Walmart. I like stocking the deodorant best. It’s all neat and orderly and looks nice when I’m done. Plus, the bottles smell good. I don’t like when I have to do the toothbrushes. I always knock something off, and it falls down. But it’s a job. It’s only part-time, but it’ll help.”

  “That’s great.” The happiness in Jared’s voice was genuine. “How are your kids?”

  “Good,” Dani said. “I passed my last drug test. I think I’ll be able to find an apartment soon. Some friends have been letting me crash on their couch, but I’ve got to get my own place before I can get the kids back. Looked at a few last week. They were okay, but I probably couldn’t afford them. Going to look somewhere else tomorrow. I’ll get my kids back soon.”

  “I hope you do,” Jared said.

  Sienna placed a scoop of macaroni salad on Dani’s plate and gave her a weak smile. Jared really cared about Dani. Sienna had a feeling he cared about a lot of other people who visited the kitchen, too.

  The next person in line was an older man. He wore a threadbare suit that was a size too big, but his face was clean shaven and his hair neatly combed.

  “Mike,” Jared said. “How’d the job interview go, buddy?”

  “They went another way. But I had another interview this morning, so hopefully something will come of that.”

  Jared pulled off his glove, then reached into his back pocket and withdrew a business card. “Come see me. The mail room at my work is hiring. It isn’t much, but the company loves to promote from within.”

  Mike’s eyes widened. He reached out with a shaky hand and took the card. “Really?”

  Jared nodded. “Really. Call, email, or just drop in any weekday. I’ll get you set up with an interview.”

  “Th-thank you,” Mike stammered.

  For an hour, Sienna watched while Jared interacted with the people in line. He didn’t know all of them, but he was on a first-name basis with many. He made an effort to smile and encourage every single person.

  Sienna looked down, her eyes filling with tears. He really cared for these people who were desperately in need of a second chance. And Jared was more than willing to give them one.

  A few hours later, the doors to the kitchen closed. Sienna and Jared helped clean up their area, then thanked the employees and left.

  “Did you have a good time?” Jared asked when they were in the car.

  “Are you kidding? That was amazing,” Sienna said. “I’ve never been on such a rewarding date.”

  “I’m glad you liked it. Most of them are good people who’ve just made a few wrong choices or fallen on hard times. They’re desperate for someone to listen to them and try to help.”

  “So what’s Dani’s story?”

  Jared sighed. “She grew up in an abusive situation and had her first baby at seventeen. She has three kids now, and I know she really loves them. But she can’t shake the drugs. She said she passed her last drug screen though. Maybe she’s finally turned a corner.”

  “What about her kids?”

  “They’re in foster care. Dani loves them as much as she is capable. I hope it’s enough for her to turn her life around. She’s got a good heart.”

  Sienna blinked rapidly. She wouldn’t cry. “And what about Mike?”

  “He lost his wife and teenage son in a car accident about five years ago. He started drinking too much and lost his job. Now he’s homeless and has a police record. But he’s been sober for six mont
hs and is trying really hard to find a job. I think he’ll be okay in the long run.”

  Sienna and Jared talked about a few of the other people who had come through the line. Genuine love coated Jared’s voice as he spoke about each of them.

  He was incredible. He had so many of the qualities she wanted in a partner.

  The only thing missing was the spark. But maybe that would come with time.

  Sienna leaned against her front door, looking up at Jared. “You are amazing.”

  Jared grinned. “Why do you say that?”

  “You accept all these people’s past mistakes and don’t judge them.”

  “Why should I judge them? Everyone makes mistakes, Sienna. I would hate to be held accountable for mine for the rest of my life. There’s a reason we call the past the past . . . because it’s gone, and it’s over. What good would it do any of them if I was cold and unkind? They’ve had enough of that in their lives. They need someone to believe in them.”

  Sienna leaned forward, kissing Jared softly on the lips. His arms held her close, and the moment was pleasant, but not spectacular. She pulled away, disappointed.

  “Thank you for today,” she said. “I knew you were an incredible man, but now I admire you even more.”

  He pressed his forehead against hers. “You know I will still like you no matter what, right? Because I know the person you are today. And I really, really like that person.”

  Sienna looked down, willing the tears back. “Thank you again for a great time.”

  Jared brushed a kiss across her forehead. “I hope you feel comfortable enough to open up to me soon. But I’m willing to wait.”

  They said goodnight, and Sienna let herself into the apartment. She leaned against the door and sighed.

  She didn’t have the natural chemistry with Jared that she had with Aaron.

  But she wasn’t terrified to tell him of her past, either.

  Sienna sat on the piano bench in the practice room, staring at the keys as though they might hold the answers she needed.