Until I Wake

by Kylie Rae

  A glance around her apartment gave her the idea that she should probably clean up. The trash was full, and the so was the sink. She desperately needed to do laundry and get more groceries. But the thought of doing all that made her tired. It could wait.

  Instead, she rolled out her yoga mat and tried to do some light workouts in her living room. She hadn’t spent any time on exercise since... She collapsed to the floor from her plank position and her chest tightened. Her eyes on the ceiling, she talked herself out of her panic attack that tried to drown her. So maybe not exercise.

  She took a shower and then texted Kevin to see what he was up to. And the next thing she knew, he was at her door with flowers in his hand. He’d taken her to lunch to get her mind off things. They’d walked through the park and shared a passionate kiss before he’d returned to work. She felt warm and tingly all the way down to her toes.

  Robin had called to see if she was okay, but Whitney was still a little stung about her talking to her mother and had cut the conversation short. She’d get over it, as she always did when they had a disagreement. It just would not be today.

  The rest of the afternoon, Whitney wandered around the town. She didn’t want to go back home and be left alone with her thoughts. But it turns out, seeing people being normal and happy, going about their daily lives wasn’t a lot better for her mood. It reminded her of how not normal her life was.

  As the sun dipped towards the horizon, Whitney stopped for dinner and walked back to her apartment. She sat in her armchair in silence and ate the burger and fries. When she finished, she remained in the chair and stared at the wall. Her vision blurred.

  Did she need counseling? Would they be able to fix her? Did she need fixing?

  Panic rose in Whitney’s chest, but she forced it back down with a deep breath.

  After a few minutes of thinking of nothing besides her breathing, she fell asleep.

  ROSE’S PHONE LIT UP, and a notification popped onto the screen. She picked it up off the nightstand and slid her glasses back up her nose. “Oh, look Dan, it’s an alert from that Facebook page.”

  “The what?” Dan lowered the mystery novel he had his nosed tucked into.

  “That Facebook page I told you about. The one in Oklahoma that tells about all the stuff happening in the area Whitney lives in. I told you I found it last week, so I’d know what was going on without having to ask her.” Rose rolled her eyes as she unlocked the screen and clicked the message.

  “Oh, right.” He kept his thoughts to himself. “What’s it say.”

  A crease formed between her brows as she read the smaller print. “South OK Emergency Updates... A break in reported at a local bakery. Windows smashed. No injuries reported. Nothing valuable was taken. If you witnessed anything, please contact the authorities.”

  “Well, that’s nothing to worry about.” Dan lifted his book. “She doesn’t live in a bakery.”

  “Dan!” She swatted his arm. “Crime in the area could mean-”

  “Nothing, dear. Crime happens everywhere. They said nothing valuable was taken. It was probably some teenagers acting tough.”

  Rose hesitated, but then had to admit he had a point. “Yeah, okay. I suppose that’s true.” She put the phone back and returned to her crossword puzzle.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Julie stood at the front desk with Josh and watched the door. Josh was busy texting, but he’d agreed to wait with her. She spotted who she was looking for and perked up.

  “Robin! Hey, Robin!” She jogged across the lobby with Josh close behind her.

  Robin looked up from the paperwork in her hands and stopped walking. “Oh, hey.”

  “I wasn’t sure we’d catch you before our shift started.”

  “You almost didn’t. I’m technically off today. I just had to drop off some budget sheets.” She waved the folder around.

  “Oh, lucky us then.” Julie wrung her hands and looked at Josh. She felt suddenly anxious about this conversation. Was it even her place to inquire into Whitney’s well being? She thought of herself as a friend, but did Whitney see her that way? She could just be a nosy coworker in her mind, and this would be intrusive. Maybe she’d been wrong about this. It had only been two days. What did she think had changed, anyway?

  “We were wondering how Whitney’s doing?” Josh asked after the silence had dragged on for too long.

  Robin dropped her gaze so they wouldn’t notice the pain in her eyes. “I actually haven’t talked to her much in a few days. She said she didn’t feel good and turned her phone off yesterday.”

  “Hmm...” Julie frowned. If Robin didn’t even know if Whitney was okay, what did that mean? Robin was her best friend. How was she going to get out of her funk if she didn’t let anyone help her? Should she stop by and see if she could cheer her up on her own? No, that would be too far.

  “I hope she’ll come back to work soon. Two weeks with one man down is a long time,” Josh said.

  “I’ll check on her today, whether she likes it or not. Steve might let her come back early if she’s relaxed a little.”

  “Okay, thanks,” Julie said, and Josh nodded. Julie wanted to ask to be kept in the loop, but surely that wouldn’t be appropriate either. Why did this have to be so complicated?

  Robin walked down the carpeted hall to drop off her report and reflected on how much of a long shot that would be. If Whitney wouldn’t talk to her about her feelings, she definitely wasn’t better. And it would probably still be several days before she opened up. They would be lucky if she’d be ready to come back in two weeks. If she came back at all. Robin’s shoulders slumped, and guilt and frustration overwhelmed her.

  ROBIN: I’M OFF TODAY

  Whitney glanced at the text message but didn’t respond.

  Robin: Let’s get lunch

  Whitney looked down at her clothes. She hadn’t changed in two days since Kevin had come over. She felt disgusting, but had no motivation to do anything about it. She’d barely moved from her bed to the couch and had eaten next to nothing. The apartment was a disaster on top of everything else.

  Robin: I’m coming over

  Panic flooded through her. If Robin caught her like this, saw her apartment in this state, she’d drag her to a doctor. Or worse, she’d call her mother.

  Whitney: Wait

  Robin: For what?

  If she made an excuse to say no, Robin would show up anyway. She pressed her eyes closed and mustered up some strength.

  Whitney: I’m gonna shower. I’ll meet you in the lobby in half an hour.

  Robin: Promise?

  Whitney: Promise

  It took Whitney ten minutes to peel herself out of the chair and walk to the bathroom. She had to admit it felt nice, though. If Robin wouldn’t be pounding on her door as soon as the thirty minutes had passed, Whitney would have remained in the shower all day. Or at least until the hot water ran out.

  Whitney entered the lobby exactly thirty minutes from the last text message. She saw Robin near the mailboxes. She sat with her legs crossed and her foot jiggled up and down.

  “What’s up?” Whitney asked. She tried to make her voice nonchalant.

  “There you are! I’ve been worried about you.” Robin stood and hugged her. Her body resisted at first, but relaxed into the touch.

  “I’m fine.” She did actually feel better after the shower.

  Robin held her at arm’s length and her eyes narrowed in suspicion. “If you say so. Come on.”

  They walked along in silence. Whitney shoved her hands in her pockets and kept her eyes on the ground. Robin chewed on the inside of her cheek and watched her friend. There were dark purple circles under her eyes that stood out on her pale cheeks. Had she not slept at all for the last two days?

  “So, how are you, really?” Robin said once they’d reached the corner café.

  “I’m fine,” Whitney repeated.

  “Are you though?”

  Whitney frowned but didn’t respond as the host led the
m to their table. She scanned the faces of the people they passed. She had the sensation that everyone was staring at her. They sat at the small table and took their menus. Her phone rang before Robin could try again. It was her mother, and if not for being out with Robin, she would have ignored it.

  “Hello?” “Whitney! Daniel and Jenna are engaged!” Her mom squealed into the phone.

  Whitney made a face and held the phone away from her ear. “Yeah, I know. He called me for advice.”

  “And you didn’t tell me?”

  She rolled her eyes. “It’s called a secret, mom.”

  “I can keep a secret.”

  “Oh yeah? I bet you weren’t supposed to tell anyone until they announced it.”

  “Well–this is different. You’re his sister.”

  Whitney forced a laugh. “Okay, mom. But I gotta go now. I’m having lunch with Robin.”

  “Okay, you two have fun.”

  Robin laughed as Whitney hung up. Maybe she didn’t need to pester her about how she was feeling. Maybe she just needed to have some fun and relax.

  “So, what have you been up to?”

  “Not much. Sitting around.”

  “Seen Kevin lately?”

  “Only once since this.” Whitney gestured to her patched-up arm. “He’s been working a lot.”

  A dark-haired server stopped by to take their drink orders. Robin ordered a coffee and Whitney glanced over the wine menu before copying her order.

  Robin cast around for something else to say once they were alone again. Whitney wasn’t giving her much to go off of. “Did you hear about the bakery being broken into?”

  “Yeah.” Her gaze dropped to the table.

  “They said nothing valuable was stolen.”

  “Yeah.” She traced circles on the table with her finger.

  “Someone must have been craving some cake.” Robin forced a laugh, but Whitney didn’t react.

  The server returned with their drinks and Robin ordered them both a sandwich and fries since Whitney hadn’t reopened her menu.

  Whitney said nothing for a moment, her eyes focused on something out the window. But then, “I woke up standing in the middle of my living room.”

  Robin lowered her coffee back to the table and frowned. “What do you mean?”

  “I opened my eyes, and I was just... standing in my living room. I don’t know how I got there.”

  Robin examined her friend’s face again. There was a slightly manic look in her eyes and her jaw tensed. She looked down at her hands and saw the nails were ragged and picked at. Robin took this in, remembered the last time she’d looked this rough, and tried not to jump to the worst conclusions. “It’s probably stress. You’ve been through a lot in a short time. This time off from work could be a blessing in disguise. You need to relax.”

  “Hmm... Yeah, I guess so.” Whitney’s gaze was still out the window as she brought her cup up to her lips.

  The server brought their plates to the table, and Robin thanked her a little too enthusiastically. She was on edge now, and the caffeine wasn’t helping.

  They spent the rest of their lunch with Robin making mostly one-sided conversation. Whitney’s eyes glazed over at some point and she stopped responding. Robin finished her sandwich and tried not to get too frustrated.

  “Have you thought about a sleep specialist?”

  “Huh?” Whitney blinked several times and looked around.

  “A sleep specialist. You were literally falling asleep with your eyes open a second ago.”

  “Oh.” Whitney glanced down at her barely touched plate and put her napkin over it. “Sorry. No, I haven’t.”

  “Think about it, at least.” Robin knew pushing the subject would get her nowhere, but she had to say something.

  “Okay. I think I’m gonna go take a nap.” Whitney stood and dropped some money on the table and avoided Robin’s eyes.

  “Do you want me to walk with you?” She rose, but Whitney waved her back down.

  “No, that’s okay. I’ll see you later.”

  “Sure.” Robin watched her go, then pulled out her cell phone. Whitney’s behavior was getting too strange. A line had to be drawn somewhere. She hesitated a second longer, but clicked on Rosey Posey and hit call.

  “Robin!” Rose exclaimed after the second ring. “So nice to hear from you!”

  “Hey, mamma Rose,” Robin said and wondered where to begin.

  “Did Whitney tell you about Daniel?”

  “Yeah.” Oh yeah... today was a day for good news. “That’s so great!”

  “I know! I’m so excited! I feel like I could fly. First, I’m going to be a grandma, and now this!”

  Robin forced a laugh. Maybe now wasn’t the time.

  “Anyway.” Rose took a breath and Robin pictured her fanning her flushed face with a piece of mail or a napkin; a very Mama Rose thing to do. “What did you call for, dear?”

  “Oh–I uh just wanted to say congratulations. Give them a hug from me.”

  “Will do! Oh, while I have you on the phone - I was going to ask Whitney, but it would make her think I’m prying... I read about that bakery being broke in to. It’s not... near ya’ll’s apartment, is it?”

  “Oh,” Robin considered it. “I mean, kind of, I guess. It’s around the corner. But it wasn’t a big deal, Rose, I promise. Probably some kids acting out.”

  “Yeah, that’s what Dan said, but I just wanted to check. Thanks, dear. I’ll let you get back to your day. Hope to see you soon!”

  “Shit...” Robin mumbled when she put her phone down. She needed to let them know something was wrong... but when would be the right time? Never?

  WHITNEY DIDN’T TRUST herself to stay awake if she stood in the elevator, so she dragged her feet up the stairs to her apartment. She went slower and slower as she reached her door and unlocked it. Once inside, she tried her best not to cry as she walked into the kitchen. But they were still there.

  Two decorated cakes sat on her table. One blue birthday cake with balloons made of frosting. A boy named Alvin would be disappointed.

  The second one made Whitney disgusted with herself; a gorgeous wedding cake. Roses traveled from one layer to the next, and two figurines in dress clothes sat at the top with their hands clasped.

  What had she done?

  Chapter Fourteen

  The moonlight shone through a gap in the curtain and wind rattled the windowpane. The time on the clock flipped to 11:00pm and a sleepy groan escaped Whitney’s lips. She rolled over in her bed and sat up, her eyes half open. She stood and shuffled to the kitchen, passing the two cakes without a glance. She took the largest knife out of the block on the counter before she turned towards the door. Her arm swung by her side; the knife held loosely.

  Out on the sidewalk, Whitney turned towards the park and her bare feet smacked the pavement with each step. Up ahead of her was the old man neighbor, Vernon, with his yippy dog. He turned into the park and walked around the path. Whitney followed a short way behind him until she passed a bench. She sat down with a loud thump. Vernon jumped at the sound and he spun to investigate.

  He saw Whitney. Her head lolled over on to one shoulder and her eyes cracked open in slits. The knife was in her lap and glinted in the light from the security pole that loomed overhead. Vernon paused and then decided to check on her. He dragged his dog along with him.

  “Hey, girl,” he said as he neared, but she didn’t respond. Vernon hunched over and put his face close to hers. His putrid cigarette breath caused Whitney’s nostrils to flare, but that was it. Her breathing was slow and calm. If he hadn’t known any better, he would think she was asleep. But he’d never seen anyone sleep upright on a bench before.

  Vernon reached out to shake her shoulder and Whitney’s hand twitched. Then she thrust the knife up into his stomach. He gasped and stared wide-eyed down at the blade protruding from his guts.

  Whitney pulled the knife out and stabbed into his chest, twisting her wrist. Vernon yelled and lurch
ed away from her, but he fell to the ground and blood pooled around him on the pavement. Whitney knelt next to him and continued to hack at his body until he stopped moving. The dog yanked on his leash and barked its high-pitched yipe, but the end was looped around Vernon’s wrist and he couldn’t get away.

  Whitney ignored the dog, eyes still only cracked open, and her expression unchanged. She turned away and walked back to the apartment. She washed and dried the knife, replaced it in the block, and returned to her bed; covered in Vernon’s blood.

  THE ILLUMINATED NUMBERS on the alarm clock read 1:03 am when Whitney woke up. She’d napped since lunchtime and was now wide awake. She also felt more refreshed than she had all week. But then she stretched and noticed her red-caked hands. She looked down and saw she was soaked in what could only be blood. And she screamed.

  She muffled the sound with the blanket and shook as sobs wracked her body. Terror struck, and she writhed against her sheets for several minutes before she finally returned to her senses and knew that she needed to move and investigate.

  It took an hour of scrubbing, crying, and shaking on the shower floor before Whitney calmed down. She couldn’t figure out what had happened. She didn’t have a single scratch on her. There wasn’t anyone else in her apartment. She told herself that it couldn’t be blood. Even though she had no idea what else it might be. For a moment she even let herself believe she’d hallucinated or had a terribly vivid nightmare, but the evidence was clear on her sheets and circling the drain of her tub.

  She sat on her couch and rocked back and forth once she’d put on a fresh set of clothes and bagged up her blankets. She didn’t want to be alone. She couldn’t handle the silence as it pressed down on her.

  Whitney- Are you awake?

  Whitney texted Kevin and waited, hoping. It was late, and he had work in the morning... but maybe.

  Kevin- Yup. What’s up, babe?