Jo buckled into Ryan’s arms. “Oh my God,” she sobbed into his shoulder.
“Has she been taking her medication like she’s supposed to?”
Jo dissolved into tears. “I – I – I don’t know.”
“Look, her body is responding well now and she’s going to be okay but asthma is a very serious condition. Most of the time it can be kept under control when a patient takes their medication correctly but you cannot take any chances. Children by their very nature cannot be relied upon to remember their medication – that’s your job as a parent. Your daughter had a lucky escape tonight. The next time she might not be so lucky.”
Jo nodded, unable to speak with distress.
They followed the doctor inside to the room where Réiltín was lying on a bed, hooked up to monitors. She was sleeping peacefully. Jo noticed a small patch of drool on the fabric of her pillow. She sat down and stroked her hair, which looked wilder than ever. She was relieved that her skin felt warmer to the touch now. Ryan took a seat on the other side of the bed.
“It’s okay, Little Star, it’s all going to be okay,” Jo whispered in her ear.
After a while they heard someone come into the room and when they turned they saw Isla waiting hesitantly against the doorframe.
“Sorry, I can come back later if you want?” she said.
Jo noticed that Isla’s face was pale and her green eyes were large with worry. She got up off the chair, walked over to her sister and threw her arms around her. They stood there clinging desperately to each other under the bright hospital lights.
“I’m sorry!” Isla started to cry.
Jo shook her head. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that – it wasn’t your fault.”
“I’m just glad she’s okay,” Isla said.
“We got such a scare – if anything were to happen to her –” Jo’s voice broke as the night’s events hit her in a fresh wave again.
“She’s safe now, that’s the main thing,” Isla said.
“Come in and sit down,” Jo said.
Ryan stood up and gestured for Isla to sit on his chair. She walked over and sat down at Réiltín’s bedside.
Eventually Réiltín started to stir. Her eyes flickered open before closing down again. “Mum!”
“How are you feeling, Little Star?” Jo whispered.
“Tired.”
“Well, it’s going to take a while for you to build your strength up again, so for now you need to rest,” Ryan said gently.
“I’m sorry – I’m so sorry for not bringing my inhaler with me.”
“Ssssh, love,” Jo said, raising a finger to Réiltín’s lips. “It doesn’t matter. None of that matters now. We’re just so glad that you’re okay.” She lowered her face down to her daughter’s, letting their foreheads touch. “You don’t know how much I have missed you.” Her voice broke into sobs.
“You gave us such a fright!” Isla whispered to her niece.
“I’m okay, Isla – I’m so sorry for making you worry.”
“Hey, don’t fret about it.”
Réiltín’s lids grew heavy again and she drifted back off to sleep.
Ryan squeezed Jo’s hand across the bed. “Thank God, thank God – she’s going to be okay.”
Chapter 38
Back Home
The doctors discharged Réiltín the following morning and Jo was relieved when she said she wanted to go home to their house. The journey home from the hospital reminded Jo of the day they had brought her home from the special care unit when she was an infant. She felt the same emotional seesaw of excitement and worry for her child. Réiltín let her father lift her into her childhood bed like she was a baby once again while Jo tucked her up and stayed with her, stroking her hair until she fell soundly asleep.
Jo could hardly dare to believe that Réiltín was home. The events of the night before were exhausting but then she could feel waves of ecstasy and relief flood through her as well. The last few weeks had been wretched but now as she watched her daughter sleeping her heart soared. She didn’t care about what Réiltín was doing that night or the fact that she had been staying with Isla. All that mattered right at that minute was that she was asleep in the bed where she belonged. Jo bent down to kiss her on the forehead before creeping out of the room and pulling the door closed softly behind her.
“How is she?” Ryan asked when she came back down to the kitchen.
She couldn’t help but notice the dark shadows under his eyes, the grey in his hair. The last few weeks had taken their toll on him too.
“Exhausted. She was asleep within minutes. The doctor said it would take her a few days to regain her strength.”
He nodded. “I’ve just made some coffee.”
She sat down at the table and noticed that the mugs Ryan had used weren’t from a matching set. She always used matching ones . . . but then she stopped her train of thought and remembered that after everything that they had been through over the last few weeks, the matching mugs were the least of her problems. Her daughter was home.
“It’s such a relief to have her back home again.” He paused for a moment. “Look, there has been something that I’ve wanted to say to you for a while. I’m sorry if you felt that I was taking Isla’s side in this whole thing. I never meant to make you feel like that and you didn’t deserve it. Yes, I am very grateful to her for all that she has done for us but I’m also so grateful to you – you’re the one who carried Réiltín and gave birth to her and you’re an amazing mother. You’re the woman that I love, Jo.”
Jo felt the pressure of tears building in her eyes. She took a deep breath before speaking. “I’ve always found it difficult, you see. You and Réiltín and then Isla too . . . well, sometimes I imagine that all of you have a stronger bond because you’re both biologically related to Réiltín, whereas, well, me . . . I’m not . . .”
“Jo, you know that’s not how it is. You even saw it there last night when she was in hospital – you were the person that she wanted by her bedside. You’re her mother and no one else could ever take your place with her.”
The tears started to roll down her cheeks and Ryan reached forward and brushed them away with his fingers.
“You know, I think maybe I underestimated what we did all those years ago,” Jo whispered.
“How do you mean?”
“Well, I thought that accepting that I had to use Isla’s egg was going to be the hard part but it was only after she was born that I realised my worries were only beginning. I thought that once I had a baby I would be fine about the whole thing – I mean, I’d had the counselling and everything – but I still carried a lot of anger and resentment and the more Réiltín grew, the more fearful I became of losing her. Does that make sense? I’m so sorry, Ryan. I know being married to me hasn’t always been easy. And you were right about telling Réiltín . . . we should have told her the truth from the start. I never thought I would say these words but I’m glad she knows now. This whole drama has given me perspective. Réiltín wouldn’t be Réiltín, she wouldn’t be the beautiful girl she is today, our beautiful daughter, without Isla’s involvement – so even if I had been able to have a biological child of my own, it still wouldn’t have been Réiltín. This was the path we were meant to take – it’s just taken me a long time to recognise that.”
That evening Isla called over to see them.
“I just said I’d stop by to see how you’re all doing?”
“We’re doing okay,” Jo said. “Réiltín has been asleep for most of the day.”
Isla placed Réiltín’s hold-all down on the floor at her feet. “I . . . eh . . . thought she might be looking for this – it’s her iPad and stuff.”
“Thanks, Isla,” Jo said, taking the bag. “I’ll take it up to her room.”
After Jo went upstairs, Ryan cleared his throat. “Isla, I have something that I want to say to you. I know Jo might not appreciate me saying this but, well, I just want to say thank you, Isla.
Thank you for everything that you have done for us over the last few weeks. They certainly haven’t been easy but, although she wasn’t here, at least we knew she was in the next best place and that was with you.”
Isla felt the heat work its way up her cheeks.
“I don’t want to experience that ever again,” Ryan continued with a shudder. “But all that matters now is that she’s okay – and she’s back home.”
“Don’t mention it,” Isla said. “I’m just glad that she’s back where she belongs.”
But her words didn’t match the hollow feeling deep within her. She knew that she should be thrilled for Jo and Ryan and she was, but she also felt . . . well . . . she wasn’t sure how she felt exactly but it was something close to sadness. Her heart felt heavy whenever she thought about it. She knew that this was the house where Réiltín belonged, deep down she knew that, but it didn’t mean that she wasn’t going to miss her a hell of a lot.
A few days later Jo opened up her wardrobe and lifted down the memory box that she had been keeping for Réiltín since the day she was born. She delicately removed the lid and saw her hospital bracelet and the pink certificate that had hung at the end of her crib giving her parents’ names, her time and date of birth and her weight. It also contained the first blanket she had wrapped her in on the day that they were taking her home from hospital. If she brought it up to her nose she could still get that newborn smell of baby mixed with a faint trace of antiseptic.
She lifted the box gently and walked down the landing to Réiltín’s bedroom. She knocked softly and let herself in. Réiltín was lying in bed, reading something on her iPad.
“I was going through some stuff and I thought you might like to see your memory box again.” Jo put the box down on the bed. “Here, look at this . . .” She handed her the tiny hospital bracelet with her name on it.
“I can’t believe how small my wrists were,” Réiltín said, slipping the bracelet around her index finger.
“Yes, you really were our miracle baby,” Jo said. “I never imagined I could be so lucky in life as to have you. We love you very, very much – you do know that, don’t you?”
“I know, Mum. I know I was horrible to you over the last few weeks but I was so angry I just needed some space to get my head around it all, you know?”
“I understand, love, I understand it was a huge shock for you and I’m sorry – I’m sorry you had to find out that way. I’m sorry we didn’t tell you from the start – it’s a big regret. I think in hindsight your dad was right – it would have been better.”
“Look, it’s all been a bit weird, I’m not going to lie to you – in fact, the whole thing is a bit fucked-up.”
“Hey, watch your language!”
“Sorry, Mum,” she said contritely. “But even you have to admit that it’s all a bit crazy. EastEnders will be asking us for script ideas next!”
Jo laughed. “At this stage, darling, I think we’re more Jeremy Kyle than EastEnders!”
“Mum?”
“Yes?”
“I know you had to use Isla’s eggs because your own weren’t working properly but I’m glad you did it – I’m glad I was born to you.” She threw her arms around her and squeezed her tight.
Jo felt the pressure of tears filling behind her eyes. “I’m so glad you were born to me too. I never thought I’d say this but in a way I’m glad your dad and I had to go through all that we did because all of that heartache led us to you. We were meant to have you, Little Star.”
Chapter 39
Sisters
Isla had just settled down on the sofa with the remote control when the buzzer went. She groaned and pulled herself back off the sofa to answer it.
“It’s only me – can I come up for a minute?” Jo’s voice said.
Isla went down the stairs to open up the door.
“How are you?” Jo asked, bouncing up the stairs.
“I’m good,” Isla said. She couldn’t help but notice how much better Jo looked. She had looked exhausted over the last few days, but she definitely was a different woman today.
“Do you want a coffee?” Isla asked.
“Yeah, go on,” she said.
Isla made a plunger of coffee and set two mugs down on the coffee table.
“How’s Réiltín?”
“She’s great – she’s getting stronger by the day and the doctor said she could go back to school next week.” She paused for a moment. “We also had our first session with the family counsellor.”
“So how did it go?”
“Well, Réiltín hadn’t wanted to go at first but, as soon as she started to open up, she found that talking through her problems helped her to process them.”
“That’s good. I’m glad everything is getting back to normal.”
“Me too! We’re taking things slowly but we’re getting there. Things are also a lot better between Ryan and me. We’ve talked over stuff going back years – now it feels like the whole slate has been wiped clean. We’re getting a fresh start and we’re all the better for it. And you’ll never guess what I did today?” There was an excited glint in her eye.
“What?”
“I booked a trip to South America for the three of us this summer for a month.”
“South America, Jo? Are you sure?”
When Isla heard people talking about their travels to South America, they usually recounted tales of people having sex beside them in hostel dormitory bunks or eleven-hour bus journeys with chickens in the aisles. Or sleeping on a beach under the stars and waking up to find your passport and money stolen. It didn’t sound like the kind of thing Jo would be into.
“I know it’s a bit mad but I’m excited. Now we won’t exactly be backpacking but, still, it’s going to be an adventure! It’ll do me good to step out of my comfort zone for a while – in fact, I think it will do us all good as a family.”
“Wow, Jo, that’s great. What made you decide to do it?”
“Well, the last few weeks have opened my eyes up to lots of things. I just felt I needed a break away from the relentless client demands and I wanted for us to do something fun as a family.” She felt the need to relinquish control, to see where life took her and this trip was to signify all of that.
“You never do things by halves, that’s for sure.”
“Look, Isla, the real reason that I’m here is that I want to talk to you about something.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Everything that has gone on between us over the last few weeks, well, it was dreadful . . . They were the worst few weeks of my life and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but it taught me that all that matters in my life is my family – everything else is just secondary. It makes me wonder what I’ve been fighting for, for all these months.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, the embryo in storage – it kind of all seems futile now. It makes me wonder why I was so against you having it in the first place. Everything that has happened has taught me a valuable lesson. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and the reason I was so against you using the embryo was because I was jealous of you, if I’m being completely honest. There was a part of me that felt I always did things properly and you never did. I did well in school, I went to university, I got a first class honour in my degree, I got married, and then I had a baby. I did everything the right way around whereas I always felt that you had never planned or set your life in motion. You just seemed to fall into things and I hate admitting this because it makes me sound like a selfish cow but I didn’t want things to fall into place for you. I felt you didn’t deserve it. I didn’t want you to have a child of your own so easily after the struggles that I had experienced to have Réiltín. Deep down I was resentful of you potentially being able to have a genetic child of your own. I was jealous of you in so many ways.”
“You were jealous of me?” Isla asked in disbelief.
“I think I’ve always been jealous of you, Isla. I am jealous of how you can just be yourself
, your freedom, the way you don’t seem to get caught up in the day-to-day pressures of life, the way you don’t seem to give a toss what anyone thinks of you. I know I blamed you for me having to be the responsible older sister growing up but the truth was I am too afraid. I’ve always been too afraid to move out of my comfort zone, which is why I always played the good girl. It was the safe option.”
“I never knew that – you always seemed so confident, so content with the structure in your life.”
Jo shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t think I knew any other way. I feel like I’ve been trying to please people my whole life. I’ve been on a career trajectory since I was five years old. The teachers in school always pushed me on – don’t get me wrong, I’m glad they did, but I never really stopped to think if being a solicitor was what I really wanted. I think it was just expected of me because I had enough points.” She averted her eyes to the floor. “I was also jealous of you and Ryan.”
“But why would you be jealous of us?”
“I was afraid, you see, I’ve always been afraid of . . . of . . . you and Ryan . . . and Réiltín.”
“What?”
“I know it sounds mad but the people I love most in this world are the people who scare me the most as well.”
“How could we scare you?”
“I was so afraid you were going to get together, the three of you as a family, and leave me without my baby – the thing I loved the most.”
“Jesus, Jo, are you for real? You thought me and Ryan would . . . eh . . . y’know?”
“It’s crazy, isn’t it?”
“I would never do something like that! I would never betray my own sister. Hell, he’s not even my type!”
“I know you wouldn’t. It was all me and my head running away with itself. I was so insecure, you see. I hated the fact that we had to rely on you to conceive our baby. It took me a long time to accept it.”
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