My Sister's Child

by Caroline Finnerty

  “I thought I did the right thing –”

  “You did! Sorry, that came out all wrong – what I mean is that it was all me – I wasn’t well in the head. I was so jealous and angry and I think it only really hit me after Réiltín was born – the extent of what we had done. I thought the hardest part was behind us but, for me, it was only then I started to realise that it was only just beginning. I couldn’t switch off from her origins – it became even more real once she was born. I used to obsess over her. I would spend hours just staring at her or poring over photographs I had taken wondering if I could look at her and say she had my eyes or lips or chin. Do you remember the day Ryan brought her over to your house in the buggy so I could get some rest?”

  “Uh-huh. You came in and started shouting stuff at him and at me. I didn’t know what was going on to be honest. I thought it was some fight you were having.”

  “Well, that was part of it – the madness. I couldn’t think straight. I was so paranoid, so insecure. It was horrible. I always felt I hadn’t really given Ryan what he should have had. I never felt good enough. That I hadn’t proved my worth as a woman. Oh I know it sounds ridiculous and irrational but that was how I felt. So I would cause huge jealous arguments and accuse him of all kinds of things. There was one time when it was the office Christmas party and they were all staying in the hotel overnight like they do every year but there was one year, I think Réiltín must have only been about two, and I couldn’t get the paranoia out of my head. I kept imagining all sorts – that he was having sex with his PA or then it would be one of the branch managers. I had no reason to suspect anything but my mind was running away with itself. So I bundled Réiltín into the car at one in the morning and we drove to the hotel. When I got there he was there with a few of his colleagues in the bar. He was stunned to see me and then I realised I was in my pyjamas. In the end I pretended Réiltín had been sick and I was worried about her but he knew. We ended up in marriage counselling for a long time afterwards.”

  “I never knew you found it so difficult – I’m sorry.”

  “It wasn’t your fault, Isla – it was all me.”

  “Look, it’s in the past now, Jo. Don’t worry. I don’t hold it against you.”

  “You were always so forgiving, so loving.” Jo turned and looked at Isla. “I never said this to you before but, you know what, you’d be a brilliant mum.”

  “Do you really think I would?” Isla smiled a sad smile.

  “You have a lot to give – love, patience, kindness. Look, Isla, the reason I came here was that I need to tell you something . . .”

  “Go on –”

  “This isn’t an easy thing for me to tell you but I need to say it – I rang the clinic last week to tell them that we wouldn’t be renewing the storage contract any more. I told them that we wanted to donate the embryo to medical research, so perhaps they could find new ways to help couples who struggle to conceive like Ryan and I did.”

  “I see.” Isla looked down at the floor. That was it, she thought. Whatever small glimmer of hope she had retained deep inside her was gone now. She would never get to experience what Jo had with Réiltín. She felt the pressure of tears filling her eyes.

  “But after I had hung up,” Jo went on, “I knew I had done the wrong thing. I was doing it out of spite and even I knew that I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to do something like that. I’m sorry, Isla. What I came here to say to you and I know I’m going about this in a very long-winded way but what I wanted to say is that I have a beautiful daughter thanks to you and I can’t deny you the chance to experience what I have with her. I’m sorry I was so selfish. I was looking at it all wrong before now. It’s not about the egg and the sperm or cells or DNA – it’s quite simple really – it’s all about love. So it’s yours if you want it.”

  “What is?”

  “The baby – the embryo. I didn’t sign the paperwork yet so it’s still there. I never should have tried to stop you from having it. It’s more yours than mine, but I was afraid, Isla, can you see that? I was so afraid that it would make a unit out of you, Ryan and Réiltín once and for all and I would be pushed aside. I know that sounds stupid now. I was trying to cling to Réiltín, I was trying to prove that I was her mother. That’s why I didn’t want her to know the truth, I was always so worried that she would leave me, just like she did, but now that she’s home I can honestly say that it was one of the best things to ever happen to us. I am her mother, she loves me as her mother and I learnt that by letting her go she figured that out for herself. It’s made us much stronger. I love you, Isla, and I love being your sister.”

  “I love you too, Jo,” Isla said, throwing her arms around her older sister and burying her head in her hair.

  “I’m sorry I’m such an awful sister,” Jo went on. “I’m embarrassed admitting it and I hate myself for it. I hate the way I can be so manipulative. Sometimes I feel like such a bad person, when you have so much goodness in you. Sometimes I think you and I are like oil on water. It’s like I got all the dark scum at the top and you got everything good that is hiding underneath. But now I’ve nothing to fight for any more and, besides, I’m too tired. The baby is yours if you want it. You have our full consent. I will need to check with the clinic though about how we proceed from here.”

  Isla felt stunned. She had wanted this so much but now that Jo was giving her what she wanted, she didn’t feel ecstatic – instead she just felt hollow, almost deflated.

  “I’m sorry, Jo,” she said slowly, pulling back from Jo’s arms, “but I can’t take it now – not after everything that has happened – it’s not right.”

  “Oh for heaven’s sake, Isla! It’s taken me a long time to work up to this decision and then you go and change your mind!”

  “It wouldn’t be right, Jo. I mean your family was almost broken up and I can’t help but feel that I caused it all . . .”

  “Look, if you don’t take it I’m going to donate it to research so, please, I’d rather it was you.” She reached out for her younger sister’s hand.

  “Are you completely sure about this, Jo? Maybe you should take some time to think it through properly – I mean you’ve had a stressful few weeks . . .”

  “I am sure. Absolutely sure.”

  “Okay then,” Isla said with tears glistening in the corners of her eyes. “Thank you, Jo, thank you so much.” She threw her arms around her sister and the two of them started to laugh.

  As Jo drove home to Sandymount Heights, she let herself cry. Just the once, just for everything that had been lost. Her hopes and dreams, the ones that she’d had as a teenager. The longing for a loving mother, the longing for a brood of children of her own. But then she thought of all that she did have. She had a great husband and a daughter who filled her with more love and pride than she had ever dared to dream of. And although they’d had a difficult relationship at times, she loved her sister dearly. Isla was her very best friend and her very worst one too. She was the person who annoyed her most on this earth but they shared the strongest love as well. Isla had pushed her to the point of fury more times than anyone else in this life but she knew that that’s what sisters were like: magnets. You couldn’t explain the charge pulling you together, yet at times you wished you could repel each other as far away as possible. But Jo knew that that was why sisters were so special: because a bond like that could never be explained. There were no words to describe it. Isla knew her better than anyone else she would ever meet. She was there for everything that had happened in their shared childhood. Isla saw the side of her that her friends didn’t. The side of her that she wouldn’t dare to show her friends. Isla knew better than anybody the things that motivated her, made her cry or what happened at her sixth birthday party. It was a volatile love, the one between them, and there were times when it had left her feeling smothered but, without it, she would be unable to breathe. Jo knew that a sister was a little bit of childhood that could never be lost – sisters were the threads that tie
us together through the generations.She knew that some people go through life without experiencing any of that and she knew that she was blessed.

  Chapter 40

  New Beginnings

  Isla walks around the corner and feels the full force of the wind against her face, blowing back her hair. It fills her ears and is strangely calming. It’s a day full of power and energy: a nice day for the start of a new life, she thinks. She stops to cross the road. She looks up at the street name and now she doesn’t turn her eyes away – she lets them follow the letters across as she tries to sound out the word in the way that Greg has taught her.

  She is elated. It is the morning after her conversation with Jo and she is walking to work in the café.

  After Jo had gone home the night before, it had taken Isla a while to figure out exactly what the feeling was but then she realised that the feeling she was experiencing was happiness. She knows that that is what it is because it bubbles up inside her and she can almost feel it frothing over and spilling out of her. She can’t remember ever feeling anything as pure, as joyous. She has a smile plastered on her face as she walks down the street and she knows that she must look crazy but she doesn’t care. A secret part of her was worried that when Jo said that she could have the embryo that the ugly self-destructive part of herself, the part of her that never wanted her to be happy or to have something good in her life, would try to sabotage her efforts. She was worried that she would change her mind, that the fear would get the better of her. But it hasn’t happened and instead she is left feeling joyous because she might finally get to have a child of her own. There is so much running around inside her head.

  She has made up her mind to go into the café and tell Greg how she is feeling. She is going to tell him everything – how she loves being around him, how she loves him. It has taken her so long to be able to let down her walls and let him in. Maybe she and Jo were more alike than she thought – she has been too afraid to step out of her comfort zone for so long but she’s ready to let go of the fear now. She is going to tell him about Jo’s change of mind and how she hopes that he will join her on the journey. She wants to do it with him. It has taken her a while to realise it but she knows that they will be great together. It has all fallen into place at last. It feels like this is the moment that she has been journeying to for her whole life. For the first time in her life she isn’t going to run away from it or be scared off by the commitment that she is entering into. Something good is going to happen.

  * * * THE END * * *

  Note on Donor-assisted Reproduction

  The Children and Family Relationships Act 2015 changed family law in Ireland to extend parental rights and responsibilities to non-traditional families. It also addresses, for the first time, donor-assisted reproduction and provides for a National Donor-Conceived Person Register, whereas previously couples could elect to use an anonymous donor. The Department of Justice has delayed enacting this section of the Act until 2016 to allow a transition period for people currently undergoing anonymous donor-assisted reproduction, after which point people using a donor to conceive a child will have to ensure that the donor is named and traceable on the register.

  Also by Caroline Finnerty

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  But what has brought them to this point? Why is Emma traumatised by the very sight of him? And why is Adam having recurring nightmares?

  Jean McParland has long been living her own nightmare, battling with her son Paul whose violent outbursts have terrorised her and his younger siblings in their own home. Torn between her love for her eldest son and fears for the other children, Jean has shied away from taking decisive action . . . while their lives continued to spin out of control.

  Then, in just one moment, Adam, Emma and Jean’s lives became inextricably linked and were changed forever.

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  The Last Goodbye

  Sometimes the decisions we make can last a lifetime . . . and sometimes we cannot shake off the shackles of decisions made by others in the past.

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  When Kate becomes pregnant and her partner Ben persuades her to make the trip home, she is forced to confront everything she left behind and memories of Eva, the mother she feels betrayed her. Kate finds it impossible to forgive Eva who chose to refuse cancer treatment while pregnant and died, leaving a young family motherless.

  Do some wounds go too deep to ever heal? Must Eva's Choice forever deny Kate real happiness?

  The Last Goodbye is a powerful story of love and loss, forgiveness and new beginnings - a heart-wrenching and emotional page-turner for mothers and daughters everywhere.

  Buy The Last Goodbye Now

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  Conor Fahy is the owner of struggling bookshop Haymarket Books and is finding it hard to cope with everyday life in the aftermath of his partner Leni’s tragic death.

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  Contents

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35
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br />   Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Note on Donor-assisted Reproduction

  Also By Caroline Finnerty