Bouquet Toss

by Melissa Brown

  But, a new school year has begun. It’s November, and I’m locked in until at least May of next year. Knowing this, I’m able to relax and not put too much pressure on myself to make any decisions with Mayson regarding our future plans. We are able to move along at a snail’s pace, which, for the most part, is quite comfortable and fulfilling; flirty phone conversations, sensual text messages and friendly email banter has become our norm.

  The Thanksgiving holiday is quickly approaching and I am excited to have an entire week off of work as our school district traditionally holds a “fall break” for both students and faculty for the entire week of Thanksgiving. I know where I want to be for Thanksgiving, I only hope Mayson will feel the same.

  I walk into my apartment, knowing my phone will ring shortly. Mayson calls me from work almost daily, right around 4:00 pm my time. The sound of the telephone ringing each afternoon is the highlight of my day! Just as I finish putting some fresh produce in my refrigerator, I hear the phone ringing. Right on time.

  “Hey beautiful,” Mayson says in a husky, sexy tone.

  “Hi stranger,” I reply, “How’s work today?”

  “Ah, same old, same old. Nothing too exciting. Just a few more hours and I’m going to go for a really long run to relax. Thanks for those new songs, by the way. They’re a little crazy, but they keep me moving.”

  “I’m glad you like them.” I smile, “Nicky Minaj grows on you, doesn’t she?”

  “Yeah, I guess she does,” I can tell he’s smirking on the other end of the line. He always thought I had crazy taste in music. Eclectic doesn’t even begin to describe me. Raised on the Beatles and Bruce Springsteen, I am a classic rock junkie. But, when I am running, it’s an entirely different story---I need loud, seam busting music with ridiculous lyrics. Mayson had never heard of half the artists I listened to until one morning down on campus when he woke up early for a run. He had forgotten his iPod so, he borrowed mine. He said it was the best run he’d had in months. I continued to recommend songs to him. Secretly, I enjoyed influencing his music choices.

  “So, Mayson,” I begin, “I’ve mentioned to you that my fall break is coming up at the end of the month.” I pause hoping that he’ll say something, but there is only silence on the other end of the line. I’m forced to continue, “I would love to spend Thanksgiving with you, Mayse.”

  For a moment, there is nothing but more silence. Heartbreaking silence that sends uncomfortable flips through my abdomen. Finally, he speaks. “You know I would love that. But, I sort of promised my parents that I would come to South Carolina for Thanksgiving, and they aren’t quite, um, ready to meet anyone yet. My mom is big on family-only holidays. My older brother had a habit of bringing around a lot of different girls to family holidays and Mom finally drew the line. I’m really sorry.”

  His answer, although incredibly plausible, makes me feel uncomfortable. Is he ashamed of me, ashamed of our relationship? Or am I just not important enough to fight for once again? Before allowing myself to get too upset, I remember our conversation in New York.

  You have to stop punishing me for what I did when we were in college.

  Pulling myself together, I muster up my strength and answer casually, “Oh, alright. That’s fine. My mom can be particular about certain things, too. She’ll probably be thrilled when she finds out I’ll be here.”

  “Are you okay?” he asks. I can hear the concern in his voice.

  “Yes, don’t worry. It’s totally fine. Besides, I wouldn’t want to miss my mom’s sweet potato souffle, it’s really fantastic.”

  “Yum. I’d love to taste it someday,” he replies, sounding hopeful. I can’t figure this man out.

  “Listen, Daph, I had better run. I have a meeting with a potential client in a few minutes and I need to get my act together. I’ll do my best to call tonight after my run, alright?”

  “Good luck with your client, Mayson.”

  “Thanks, babe.”

  As I hang up the phone, my heart sinks, but I can’t allow it to pull me under. I have to trust Mayson. We’ve been together for months now, and aside from his admitted self-centered nature, he hasn’t done anything to hurt me. No promises have been broken, no betrayal has taken place. We’re simply finding our bearings and trudging through long distance as best we can. We’re learning together.

  Chapter 13

  Knock

  “Be careful, that ornament belonged to Grandma!” I hiss as Morgan retrieves the fragile glass sphere from the large plastic bin at her feet.

  “Wow, you are really edgy today, Daph. What’s up with you? Where’s your holiday cheer? We’re decorating your apartment for the holidays and you’re in a snit!”

  “I’m sorry. It’s not you, honestly. Let me turn on some music. That will help.” I need Christmas carols desperately right now. We’ve been listening to the same CD of carols for decades. It’s a special tradition that always manages to get me into the holiday spirit. It’s the day after Thanksgiving. Instead of waiting in the insane lines and shopping with the crazies, Morgan and I haul out all of our Christmas décor and decorate one another’s places. But, things with Mayson are getting to me and I’m inadvertently taking it out on one of my favorite people in the world.

  “It’s fine. Do you want to talk about it?” Morgan asks hesitantly, probably afraid of the possible meltdown that could ensue.

  “It’s Mayson, obviously. Things are just…off.”

  “What do you mean?” she asks, seeming genuinely curious by these words.

  “He’s just different, somehow. Ever since I brought up the possibility of traveling to Denver for Thanksgiving, he’s been acting odd.”

  “Guilt, perhaps?”

  “Possibly, but it feels like more. It feels like…”

  “College?” Morgan knew me so very well.

  “Exactly. He pulled away from me then, and this feels just like that. It’s agonizing. The phone calls are shorter. The texts are less affectionate. And I know this sounds silly, but he hasn’t called me Puddin’ at all since the conversation about Denver. That’s exactly what he did last time. It’s overwhelming, like an old wound is being opened once again. It’s all just too much.”

  “Can you talk to him about it?”

  “I want to, but I can’t say anything. He hates when I bring up what happened at school. He made me promise to stop going backwards with us.”

  “He does have a point. But, that doesn’t mean you should ignore your feelings. Just be careful how you express them.”

  “I can feel myself building a wall to protect myself, to protect my heart. I can’t let it get broken again. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I’m going to regret ever dancing with him at Elise’s wedding.”

  “Ok, you are spiraling now, Daph. Take a deep breath. I know this guy has hurt you so much in the past, but that is in the past. You need to leave it there if you’re going to have a future with him. The question is, is he worth it?”

  “God, I hope so.”

  That evening, completely exhausted from hours of decorating and holiday cheer with my cousin, I plop myself into my soft, leather reading chair and grab my kindle from the coffee table. It’s time to read a nice, relaxing book, forget all about my troubles and lose myself in a story. Delving into the plot of my novel, listening to Damien Rice singing softly, my thoughts drift once again to Mayson. I am falling for him, deeply. And it scares me to death.

  A strong knock on my back door startles me and my heart races. Glancing at the clock, I see it’s already 9:00 pm. Who could be here at this hour? I glance through the peep hole and see Mayson on the other side of the door. My heart flips into my throat. Completely overwhelmed, I open the door.

  “Surprise,” he says shakily.

  “Wow, Mayson, what are you doing here?”

  “I had to see you. May I come in?” He asks, looking unsure of what the answer will be.

  “Of course, yes.” My pulse is speeding rapidly, completely off the charts. A
drenaline is coursing through my body as I have no idea what to think. For weeks I’ve been preparing for my demise with Mayson, but here he is, standing in my apartment, shivering from the Midwestern chill.

  “You must be freezing,” I say, running to get a blanket. Before, I can take two steps, Mayson grabs my hand. He twirls me around into his arms. I giggle, falling backwards into his firm chest.

  “I’ve missed you. I’ve missed that incredibly sexy laugh.” He says, staring into my eyes.

  So badly, I want to tell him how much I’ve missed him, but the words won’t come. Terrified of saying too much, of drawing parallels from the past, I muster a small smile.

  “It’s wonderful to see you, too, Mayse.”

  Several hours later, we’re lounging on the couch, watching a romantic comedy. Feeling a bit more confident, I ask the question I’ve wanted to ask, needed to ask since he arrived at my door. It’s the elephant in the room and we both know it. It’s time to get rid of the elephant.

  “Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?”

  “No, I didn’t, Daphne.” He says, his eyes darkening. Suddenly, I feel like he’s upset with me. But, that doesn’t make any sense. After all, I wanted to spend the holiday together.

  “Why is that?” I ask, confused.

  “I didn’t get any of that sweet potato soufflé you told me about. Why do you think I hopped on a plane today? I just had to try it,” He winks at me, his rascally grin flashing, causing my cheeks to grow pink.

  “Well, you could’ve had some yesterday. I make a pretty decent soufflé. And I’m sure the grocery stores in South Carolina have all the necessary ingredients.” I say, terrified that I’ve not only exposed the elephant in the room, but also tied a bright pink feather boa to its trunk. Mayson doesn’t hesitate. He nods and takes a deep breath. He is clearly prepared for this conversation. Perhaps he knows me better than I give him credit for.

  “I know. I’m really sorry. But, I’m here now. And I did a lot of thinking as I sat at my Mother’s dining room table last night, wishing you were there with me.”

  I try to keep the air in my lungs as he says these words, but I cannot. Shock fills me as I stare at him wondering if my bottom lip is on the floor.

  “Really?” My voice is soft and hoarse.

  “Yes, Daphne, you silly girl. I wish you had been there with me. I wish I could’ve introduced you to my family. I wish I could’ve held your hand at the dinner table while my dad carved the bird. I wish a lot of things had been different about that day…” His words fade and he looks away briefly, guilt spread across his face.

  He pauses, before continuing, “But, most importantly, I need to tell you something that I realized yesterday.” He says softly, gently stroking my cheek with his hand. I look at him expectantly.

  “I love you, Daphne...so much.” Mayson’s eyes are glossy. He looks at me expectantly.

  My world stops. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. The words I’ve hoped to hear for so many months, so many years since this gorgeous man walked into my life, have just been spoken. But, now that I’m hearing them, I am beyond conflicted. All of the cold phone calls, the short text messages, everything that has happened since he came back into my life are invading my brain and I’m incapable of ignoring them. Desperately, I try to tear down the wall I’ve built, but it sticks. It’s too strong, I can’t break it down. Not yet. And so, I answer him the very best that I can.

  “I’m falling in love with you, too, Mayson.” His eyes sink to the floor and he shrugs.

  “I guess I deserved that, Daphne.” He shrugs again. “I know I haven’t exactly been easy to deal with lately.”

  Searching for words to erase what I said, to make everything alright, I try desperately to say the three words that he wants to hear…but, I can’t. They will not leave my lips. I’m too afraid; too terrified of regretting them after they’ve been said.

  “Give me time, Mayson. You have me on such a roller coaster. When we are up, we are so, so up. Everything is amazing. But, when we are down...I feel absolutely lost and terribly weighed down with conflicted emotions.”

  My words trail off as I shrug my shoulders and put my hand in his. He clutches my hand tightly and nods, not looking at me. I place my head on his shoulder and we continue to watch the movie on the television screen.

  Chapter 14

  Mistake

  I wake up the next morning and there is no sign of Mayson. His duffel bag is gone, his tooth brush is not on my sink, and I can no longer smell his woodsy scent in my bedroom. He has left me. I couldn’t say the words that he needed to hear, and now he is gone.

  Besieged with sadness, I throw myself on the couch, sobbing until I can no longer summon the energy to cry. Completely destroyed, I realize that this is all my own doing. I call Morgan, desperately needing someone to console me; to comfort me as I digest the fact that I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.

  “Honey, what happened?” she asks, walking into my apartment and wrapping her arms around me.

  “Mayson showed up at my door last night. He told me he loved me,” I say between sobs.

  “Well, that’s wonderful. Why on earth are you crying? And where’s Mayson?”

  “No, you don’t get it. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say it back.”

  “But, you do love him, Daph. He should know that by now, even if you couldn’t say the words. You’ve always loved that man.” She rubs my back reassuringly as she speaks.

  “I’ve messed it all up, Morgan. I put up a wall and I’ve blocked him out. And now, he’s gone. He’s just…gone.”

  “Honey, let me make you a cup of tea. Have you eaten anything?”

  “No, I haven’t. Tea would be nice, though.” She nods, gives me a gentle smile and walks towards the kitchen, stopping as she glances at the counter top.

  “Daph, have you been in here yet today?” Confused, I try desperately to dissect the look on her face. She holds up a simple piece of paper. It is a note from Mayson.

  Dear Daphne,

  I feel terrible that I’m leaving while you are still asleep. I have some things to think about. I promise I’ll call you tomorrow. Please forgive me.

  Love,

  Mayson

  “Well, at least he feels bad about leaving,” Morgan places the notebook paper on my coffee table as I stare into space. “Honey, I don’t want to make this any worse, but may I ask what you did say when he professed his love to you?”

  “I told him that I was falling in love with him….” I say, glancing up at her with a sheepish expression.

  “Ouch,” she grimaces.

  “I know,” I reply, hanging my head. “You have no idea how badly I wanted to tell him that I love him. I do, I love him desperately. That’s what terrifies me.”

  “So, why didn’t you just say it?”

  “Did you not hear what I said, Morgan? I’m afraid; so afraid that he will break my heart.”

  “But, he professed his love first. Wasn’t that thrilling?”

  “Yes, of course, but so confusing. He’s basically been avoiding me since I asked to be with him at Thanksgiving. And now, he shows up and confesses his love. I panicked. What can I say?”

  “Maybe you should call him. Tell him now. Better late than never?”

  “No, in his note, he said he’d call me tomorrow. I know him well enough to know that he doesn’t want me to contact him before then. Besides, he says he has to think things through.” Hanging my head, I continue, “Maybe this is just too much for me, Morgan. Maybe I need something simpler, someone who doesn’t make me feel like this.”

  “Like what, in love?” Morgan asks, surprised.

  “No, of course I want to be in love. But, you have no idea how tortured this ‘love’ makes me feel. We’re up, we’re down. We’re on, we’re off. I can’t keep up. I am constantly confused, bewildered, overwhelmed and panicked. I trust him one minute, but can’t rely on him the next. Yes, he has said he loves me, but I have no idea what that even m
eans to him. Maybe I should be with someone who doesn’t make me feel so uneasy.”

  “Maybe,” Morgan says unconvincingly. “Listen, I know you are feeling awful, but Matt and his friends are having a get together at the Cubby Bear. Maybe you’d feel better if you came out with us tonight. It could get your mind off of things with Mayson.”

  “But, what if he calls?”

  “That’s simple. Just bring your cell. You can step outside and talk to him if he calls. I hate to think of you sitting around in this apartment feeling like this. You look awful, Daph.”

  “Wow, thanks.”

  “He’ll come around, Daph. He loves you. It will all work itself out. Let’s go get your mind off of things, even if it’s only for a few hours.”

  “Alright,” I agree begrudgingly.

  Later that evening, I’m finishing my third Long Island iced tea and dancing with Morgan to a local band. Buzzed is an understatement to describe my level of intoxication at this moment. I am feeling no pain whatsoever as I sway and bounce to the blaring music. Eventually, Matt and his friend, Evan, begin dancing with us. Matt swoops in and wraps his arms around Morgan. She leans in seductively and places her head on his shoulder. As they dance, Evan stands behind me and we dance and sway to the music together.

  I can feel Evan closing the gap between us, placing his hands gently on my hips. His breath is hot against my neck as we begin to fall into rhythm with one another. I rock from left to right, inching closer and closer to him as the music pounds. Slowly, he twists me until we are face to face.

  Evan is handsome in a frat-boy kind of way. His short brown hair spikes a bit at the front. His deep brown eyes are warm, but sexy, and I find myself wanting to attach myself to him, attach myself to something easier, something simpler than what I have with Mayson.