Hand in hand we went into the living room where Felix was sitting with Ares and Andy. They were speaking civilly which I thought was a good thing for Atlas to see. Despite what had happened in the past they were united for their son.
“Hey guys.” Atlas spoke first.
“Hey baby.” Andy smiled softly at him. Her eyes were bloodshot from tears I knew she would not let him see. “You hungry?”
“Yes ma’am.” He nodded.
“Well let’s go eat.” Felix stood up, clapping his hands together.
Without a discussion we left in separate vehicles. Atlas, Andy, and I in my car and Felix and Ares in his rental. I called my dad from the car who agreed to meet us at the diner. He was there waiting when we pulled in.
“Hey Daddy.” I hugged him tight as he kissed the top of my head.
“How you holding up, Ellie Belle?” He asked quietly.
“I’m physically hurting.” I answered honestly.
“We’ll get through it together.” He finally let me go taking me by surprise he hugged Atlas.
“Hey Ben,” he patted my dad on the back as he smiled at me. “Ben this is my mother Andy, brother Ares, and father Felix. Everyone this is Ellie’s father Benjamin Grant.”
“Pleasure to meet you all.” Dad shook each of their hands. “Shall we?” He held the door of the diner open as we all went inside.
Breakfast was full of conversation and stories from when Atlas and I were younger. Dad charmed Andy and made Ares laugh; even Felix only had nice things to say. Too soon Atlas was telling us it was time to go. Felix took care of the bill despite my father’s arguing. It was the first time he had given in to someone besides me.
“I’ll ride with Felix and Ares to give you too some alone time.” Andy kissed Atlas’ cheek as she walked away to Felix’s rental.
“See you kids there.” Dad nodded climbing in his truck.
“I guess we should go.” Atlas walked over opening the door for me.
“It’ll be over before you know it.” I smiled reassuringly at him as he shut the door. The only noise was me singing softly with the radio as he drove. His hand gripped mine tightly as if he never wanted to let go, like it was the only thing left holding him here. My free hand toyed with the tags around my neck.
For the next nine months my heart would be a world away.
I pulled my CD’s out of the glove box, putting in one of my favorite Blue October albums. I skipped to “Kangaroo Cry” and sat back, it was the only song that could say it for me. The song was going to do me, I could feel tears form in the corners of my eyes as I stared at Atlas. He pulled into the parking lot, listening to the song with me, it was the perfect moment of saying goodbye without having to say it just yet.
As the song ended Atlas turned off the car and sat there staring at me. “That’s exactly what I needed to hear.” Was all he said as he stepped out, coming around and opening the door for me. He pulled his bags out of the backseat as I stood there watching him.
“Atlas...” It was all I could say before his mouth covered mine. He dropped his bag to the asphalt, wrapping me in his arms. I pressed myself to him, my hands laced behind his neck. I could feel my tears landing on my cheeks.
“I love you so much, Penelope Noelle, I think you are my very heart.” His voice was unsteady as he attempted to collect himself. “Please take care of yourself until I can get back and spend the rest of mine taking care of you.”
“I will, I promise.” He brushed my stray tears away with my thumbs. “I love you, Atlas. I will always love you.” Atlas nodded, taking a deep breath as Andy touched him on the back.
“You okay, baby?” She asked softly as he wiped my eyes again.
“Yeah, I’m going to be fine.”
“Of course you are.” I smiled, kissing him quickly.
“Lets get this shit over with.” Atlas picked his bag up, his hand in mine as we headed to say goodbye. Dad was waiting with Gunnery Sergeant Chad Erikson and First Sergeant Carlis O’Neil.
“Ellie, what are you doing with that character?” Chad asked amused.
“Now Chad, be nice to my boyfriend.” I stuck my tongue out at him.
“Boyfriend? You actually let her date, Ben, and you didn’t tell me?”
“I know, I should know better. I wouldn’t have told you if my life depended on it.” Dad smirked as Atlas stood silent.
“Behave you two.” I eyed them with mock anger.
“You know we don’t know how.”
“Many poker nights have proven that.” I laughed.
“Alright what happens at the cabin, stays there.” Chad shook his head. “Got you a good girl there, Ryker.”
“Yes, sir, the best.”
“Good answer.” I nudged him, smiling.
“Lets get this thing going.” Dad nodded to the two men next to him as they walked off together, we followed somberly behind. Dad kept watching me over his shoulder as if he was waiting for me to break at any minute. The closer we got the more I realized it was a huge possibility.
We all waited patiently as Atlas tagged his bags, checked his things, and prepared next to Adam, Caleb, Eddie, and Theo. They talked, laughed even, and I knew that together they would be just fine. Ares stood with an arm around both Andy and I. We all had on our brave faces as Atlas walked over to say his final goodbyes. He went to Felix first, hugging his father as he whispered in his ear. Ares stepped up next as he cried onto Atlas’ shoulder. I looked down at the ground, not sure how much longer I could be strong.
“My baby,” Andy enclosed Atlas in her arms next to me. “Be careful, be safe, be proud.” She spoke to him as he nodded. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Ma.” She let go as he looked at me.
It was a look that I knew would stay with me for the rest of my life. It was a plea to the universe to not let this be the last time he saw me. Neither of us wanted to make the first last move. “Atlas...” It was all it took for him to throw his arms around me. Everyone stepped back to give us some privacy.
“My Ellie...” he whispered in my ear. “There is nothing left to say that I haven’t already. You make me the happiest man on this planet. I will count down every day until I can come back and make you my wife. I love you, baby, always.”
“When you get back the answer is yes. It doesn’t matter how you ask, when you ask, the answer is yes. But you have to come back first.” I looked up at him, smiling. “I love you, Atlas, always.” My hand cupped his face as I pressed my lips to his.
I held him to me as long as I could, until he absolutely had to fall into formation. I waved to Adam, Caleb, Eddie, and Theo as they gathered their bags and headed away from us. “Be careful, please.” I begged Atlas as he looked back at me.
“For you? Always.” I ran to him, kissing him one last time.
“I love you, Atlas.”
“I love you, Ellie.”
It was the last thing he said as he walked away to join his platoon.
It was the last thing he said as my world stopped moving.
I waved goodbye with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face. I couldn’t say anything to anyone. Once he was out of sight I turned and walked straight back to my car. I knew they were waiting for me but I couldn’t let any of them see me upset. Safely behind the wheel of Max I let it all go.
I cried for me, for the two of us, out of anger, worry, and loneliness.
I cried for the man who was taking my heart a million miles away with him.
Chapter Fifteen
To: Ellie Grant
From: Atlas Ryker
December 25, 2013
We’re here. I’m safe. I miss you so much. We’ll set up a date to Skype when I get the chance. Keep your phone with you. I’ll call soon. Merry Christmas, your present is in the desk. I love you, always.
-Atlas
To: Atlas Ryker
From: Ellie Grant
December 25, 2013
I feel like I’ve been waiting for that email forever
. I’m glad to hear you made it safe. I love the recording software. I’ll put it to good use and send you songs. Things here are okay, lonely, but so far okay. Your mom and Ares went back yesterday, Felix went back the day before. Dad has called me a dozen times already. I’ve texted Darcy a thousand pathetic “I miss Atlas” texts, she told me to shut up. Going to start you a box soon so if there is anything you need let me know. I’m mailing your presents in the first box. Merry Christmas. I love you, always. Be careful, please.
~Ellie
To: Ellie Grant
From: Atlas Ryker
December 31, 2013
I’m happy to see that you liked the recording stuff. I figured you could use something other than the mic on the computer. It’s for my benefit too that way I can get songs from you. Okay, I guess it’s for me more than you. Selfish, Christmas present? I can live with that. It’s fucking cold here. I could use about a million of those hand warmer things, the ones that you shake or whatever and they warm up. That would be great. Oh, and socks, big thick, warm socks. My feet might be cold right now. I’m already sick of the sandbox. Hoping for a chance to get to call you soon. How have you been sleeping? I know the dreams aren’t as bad when I’m there. I haven’t slept much. I try but it’s just not working out. Going to be a long nine months if that’s the case. I’m really bad at this email thing. I keep reading it thinking I sound stupid.
I miss you so much, Ellie. Thank you for being so strong. Happy New Year. I’ll be home this year! I love you, always.
-Atlas
To: Atlas Ryker
From: Ellie Grant
January 1, 2014
Hey baby! Happy New Year! I think I’m counting down the minutes until you are home. I loved getting to talk to you for a few minutes this morning. You can interrupt my sleep any time you like. It was just great to hear your voice. I can’t wait until we have a chance to Skype. I’m mailing your first package out tomorrow, I think I got everything you wanted. If not I’ll shove them in the next box.
I am thinking about getting a puppy or something to keep me company. The apartment is really quiet without you and Adam here. Any particular kind you think I should get? I started recording you some songs so if there are any in particular you want let me know. Going to Dad’s today to see the guys before they leave. I think I’m rambling.
I miss you. I’ve been sleeping in your clothes, on your side of the bed but it’s not the same. I miss having you next to me. I haven’t been sleeping well but Darcy answers when I call, she’s used to that. It’s not the same though. You make me feel protected. I miss your warmth next to me, the way you kiss me in the middle of the night, how you hold me. Everything about you.
I love you, Atlas, always. Be careful, please.
~Ellie
❋❋❋
Christmas and New Years came and passed. I had spoken to Atlas only a handful of times but email had become our new best friend. I had shipped him several care packages with the help of Darcy. She and Adam had been becoming closer than ever, the distance was really doing them wonders.
My phone was ringing at two in the morning. I turned over in our bed, snatching it off the nightstand. “Hello?” I murmured sleepily into the receiver.
“Ellie?” The warm familiar voice came through in static.
“Atlas! Oh baby, hi!” I sat up in bed, clutching his pillow to my chest.
“How are you?”
“I’m well, surviving. I miss you. How are you?”
“I miss you too. I’m okay, I wish I was there. Eight more months to go.”
“Less than eight months. I can’t wait get your return date so I can make the official countdown.”
“Hopefully I’ll know soon. Adam told me to tell you to tell Darcy thank you for the package.” Atlas sounded tired.
“How are you really doing?”
“I hate it. I’m ready to be home, next to you.”
“I know, baby.” I swallowed my tears.
“We’ve had worst times but it’s not good. I’m ready to go somewhere else. We should be moving a few days. I wanted to call before we did. I’m not sure when I’ll have phone reception again.”
“I’m glad you did.”
“How did your first week of classes go?”
“It wasn’t bad, I have a couple of interesting ones. I’m ready to graduate though. Four years of school is far enough for me.” I could hear him laugh and it was by far the best sound in the world.
“I’m glad to hear that. I can’t wait to see the amazing things you’re going to do once you’re out of school. You’re ideas sound so great. I want to help you when it comes time.”
“You supporting me is enough.”
“I want to do more than that.”
“Then who am I to stop you,” I laughed, “like I could if I wanted to, you stubborn man.”
“True, I’m sorry I can’t talk longer but I needed to hear your voice.”
“It was good to hear from you. I love hearing your voice. I will email you later today, hopefully it will give you something to look forward to.”
“I look forward to anything that has to do with you.”
“Same here, baby. Be careful, please. I love you, Atlas, always.” My voice broke as the static crackled.
“I love you, Ellie, always.”
As the line went dead I started to cry. I clung to his pillow, breathing him in, my tears staining the pillowcase I still hadn’t bothered to change. I cried until I fell back asleep hoping that when I woke up it wouldn’t have been a dream.
❋❋❋
To: Atlas Ryker
From: Ellie Grant
January 20, 2014
I am happily dancing in my seat because I got to talk to you and it wasn’t a dream. I swear it makes my entire week better. I hate missing you but I love getting to talk to you. I hope wherever you are going is better than where you were. I know you’re being careful. Doesn’t mean that I don’t still worry about you. I know Adam has your six and that makes me feel better. Then again I’m not sure I should put so much faith into a guy that can nearly burn our kitchen down making tea...
I hope you get some rest soon. You sounded like you were dog ass tired. No offense or anything. I’m attaching some new songs, hope you like them. I might have to talk Keller or Ares into singing with me the next time I’m around them. Some of the songs I want to do are duets and well they are the only guys I know that can carry a tune in a bucket. I’m going to go look at a boxer puppy today. He looked cute online so we’ll see. Maybe Zeus? I’ll send you pictures!
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. Did I mention that I miss you? Because I do. Less than eight months! I can’t wait to kiss you. For... days at least.
I love you, always. Be careful, please.
~Ellie
To: Ellie Grant
From: Atlas Ryker
January 26, 2014
Hey beautiful. I wish I was with you right now. Laying next to you, holding you, just being with you would make things so much better right now. It’s not that things are shit but I’m not with you and if I’m with you then everything is better. The days feel like they’re going by faster and that helps because every minute is one more closer to being back with you.
I loved the new songs and the little messages you included. They really help more than you know. When I miss you I just listen to your voice and it helps ease the chaos that is around me here.
I sometimes wonder why I signed up for this. I love my job, I love serving my country, but sometimes you see shit that you just can’t unsee. I hate having to be alert even when I need to sleep. I’m fucking whiny on this, I’m sorry. Today is just eating at me. I know tomorrow will be better but today just sucks. I try and stay positive for the both of us and I know you do too so I’ll buck up and realize that things will get better. In about seven and a half months.
Did you get the puppy? We needed a puppy. Zeus sounds like a great name, my mother would approve for sure. If you don’t find
one we’ll get one for sure when I come back. Something to look forward to. I always wanted a puppy. Ma never let us she was afraid it would ruin the house. Instead Ares and I did that for her.
There was this one time she had to work late and we decided it would be awesome to toilet paper the inside of the house. So when she got home she had to walk through a wall of toilet paper to get inside. Oh man, she was so pissed. She woke us up at five in the morning to start cleaning from top to bottom. Another time she was gone for the weekend so Jacks, Micah, and I thought we would be slick and have a party. We had everyone out by Sunday afternoon, had scrubbed the house, the deck, she came home, the house looked great. She found a pair of panties in her bed where Micah had scored. I was sure she was going to kill him and me both. I was grounded for two months. Which didn’t stop me at the time but she meant well, I guess.
In the words of a beautiful girl I know, I’m rambling. I need to go anyway but I hope you have a great day and know that I’m thinking about you. I love you, always.
- Atlas
❋❋❋
My weeks went by in slow progression. School, work, home, homework, run, wait to hear from Atlas, sleep if at all possible. All of it wake up to and repeat the next day. Darcy had officially sealed her dating status with Adam over a Skype session the week before so she was into her honeymoon happiness stage.
All in all, I just missed Atlas. It was a constant ache down to my bones. His absence was never far from my mind. It felt like a piece of me was missing.
Valentine’s Day brought surprise flowers all the way from Afghanistan. It was unexpected but I’m sure he wasn’t expecting a box full of heart shaped candy and silly cards either. He always seemed to know just what I needed even from a million miles away.
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