This is probably really stupid but when I’m gone I sleep with a picture of you. I carry it with me wherever I am and before I go to sleep I always look at you one last time. You ease my mind. I know that you are there at home, waiting for me, loving me, and worrying about me. I miss you every second of every day. I think of you, hope for you, and pray to the universe that you are okay without me.
I also need to say thank you for always standing by me, supporting me, having my six, and never judging what I do. I know it’s not easy to be with me sometimes. I can have a short fuse, much like you, and I get jealous when another guy so much as looks at you. But you stick with me and that shows what an amazingly patient woman you are, well can be. You know I mean that in the nicest way possible.
Baby, lastly I need you to know that if I die out there, I love you, always. I have loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you. I knew from that moment my life would be incomplete without you. You have given me everything that a man could ever ask for and I am eternally grateful for you and everything you are. You are my dream come true, my best friend, and the most important thing in my life. If for some reason I don’t make it back to you, I want you to move on, fall in love again, trust people, and know that I will always be with you. The best times of my life have all been spent with you. You are now and forever in my heart.
I love you, always,
Atlas
My hands were shaking, tears staining my face as I held the letter to my chest. I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. The thought of a life without Atlas was not one I wanted to be apart of. I always knew it was a possibility but reading it on paper, in his handwriting made it seem real.
“Ellie, are you okay in there?” Darcy hollered from the couch. I wasn’t sure I could say anything though. Not without giving away the fact that I was crying. “Ellie?” Darcy came into the kitchen, her eyes filled with concern. “What’s wrong, sweetie?” She took the letter, hugging me as she read over my shoulder.
“I can’t stand the thought of him not coming home. Reading it is just too much.” I sobbed into her shoulder.
“We can’t think like that. Our boys are coming home to us, I know they are.” She said with enough conviction that I could almost believe her.
“I know, it’s one thing for me to think it, it’s another thing to see it in his handwriting.”
“You know what, enough, put it away, let’s order food and watch Channing Tatum until we feel better.”
“I really don’t know what you see in him.”
“Nothing, that’s just it. It’s strictly vapid, shallow, adoration of all of his beautiful man parts.” Darcy smiled as she picked up the menus. “Go put it up and come help me decide what we’re getting way too much of.” She skipped back to the living room while I went and tucked the letter away into the bedside table.
“I miss you,” I whispered into the stillness. Our room still smelled like him, there were clothes on the floor he had worn, his pillow still had stray strands of dark hair where he slept last night. “So much.”
I shut the door, wiping my eyes one last time, and joined Darcy on the couch to wait out the last of this deployment.
❋❋❋
To: Ellie Ryker
From: Atlas Ryker
June 20, 2014
I’m here safe. I love you, always.
-Husband
To: Atlas Ryker
From: Ellie Ryker
June 21, 2014
Glad to hear you’re there safe. Not glad to hear you’re there because I’d rather you be here. I miss you so much it hurts. I’m glad this is the last one for now. I can’t wait to have you home. Even if I had to relive all the terrible things in my life I would just so I could meet you again, only I would have done it sooner so I could have more time with you. You are everything to me and worth every bit of heartache. I’m thinking of you every minute of every day. I can’t wait until you’re home. I know I already said that but really...
Until you are back in my arms, be careful, please. Watch your six. Stay safe. I love you, always.
~Ellie aka Wife
❋❋❋
“I can’t go anywhere, I’m sick, like really, really sick, Darc. Like I think I’m dying.” I sat the phone down throwing up into the toilet again. She had been asking to go to the beach for a few days now and this was my first full day off since the guys left again.
“Do you need me to come over and take care of you? You know I will.”
“Actually it would be fantastic if you would bring me- -” Pause, throw up. “Some Ginger Ale or Sprite or something.”
“You got it. One get better kit is on its way.”
“Thanks,” I muttered before sliding the phone across the tile bathroom floor and dry heaving again into the toilet. This was the last time I eat old Chinese food leftovers at two in the morning when Atlas called. It had been a little over a month since he left and the first time I was able to talk to him. He had emailed me once but to only say he was there and that he was okay. I was waiting for his next email to come at any time.
Leaning against the bathroom wall, my head in my hands I could feel the next wave of nausea crash over me. My husband was far away and here I was sick as could be on the bathroom floor. Missing him was just adding to my misery. I leaned over the toilet, dry heaving again.
This was completely awful.
I waited for Darcy in front of the toilet laying my head on the cool tile floor. Thankful that Adam had given her a key while he was home. I wasn’t sure I could have made it to the front door even if I wanted to. I was throwing up again or attempting to when I heard the front door open.
“It’s just me,” she called out from the living room. “Hope you are decent because I’m on my way in.” She paraded into the bedroom carrying a bag of things with her. “Oh you poor thing. What is wrong with you?”
“I think I have food poisoning. Apparently old Chinese food at two in the morning was a really bad idea.”
“Yeah, baby girl it usually is.” She grabbed a washcloth, wetting it and running it over my face. “You are a mess. Let’s get you to the couch and we can watch TV and see if you can keep down something to drink.”
“Okay,” I managed to answer her weakly as she helped me to my feet. My arm draped over her shoulders we slowly made it down the hallway where she dropped me onto the couch.
“I’ll get your phone and my magic bag and we’ll see what we can do.” She came back a few minutes later looking at me curiously. “Ellie, can I ask you a question?”
“Mmm..” I moaned waving my hand.
“I’ll take that disgruntled noise as a no but I’m going to ask it anyway. When was your last period?”
“Not pregnant, food poisoning.”
“Are you sure?”
“Uhh... it was before-- Oh fuck.”
“Ellie, I don’t think you have food poisoning, I think you’re knocked up, sperminated, preggo eggo, having a baby child.” She rummaged through the bag. “Go take this when you have to pee.”
“Do you always carry a pregnancy test with you?”
“No bitch, I don’t, I bought it for you.” She plopped down on the couch, turning on the television. “Have you peed this morning?”
“No, I woke up, started throwing up and then you called and here we are.”
“Then go pee.”
“Fine,” I grumbled pulling myself up off the couch and snatching the test from her hand. “But don’t be shocked when it’s negative.”
“Why? Did he wrap his pole before he poked your hole?” She yelled over her shoulder as I slammed the bathroom door.
“Wrap his pole before he poked my hole? Seriously where does she think of this shit.” I said to myself as I peed on the little stick and sat it on the counter. I cleaned myself up, washing my hands, and face in the sink as I waited. A very clear plus sign was staring back at me when I looked at the stick. Digging out the instructions I looked to see what it meant.
“Pregnant,�
� I said the word out loud in shock. I wasn’t sure what was worse the fact that I was pregnant and Atlas was gone or the fact I had to go in the other room and tell Darcy that as usual, she was right. I tucked my tail and slowly walked back into the living room.
“Well?” She asked with an amused look on her face.
“I’m pregnant.”
“I knew it! I’m going to be an Aunt!” Darcy clapped, squealing.
“Now I just have to figure out how to tell Atlas.”
“We’ll think of something awesome I’m sure. You’re going to be a mommy!”
“I am,” a small smile formed slowly across my mouth. “Wow, Atlas and I are having a baby.” I put my hands on my stomach, rubbing it. “You are making me quite sick though. I don’t appreciate that part...” I laughed quietly looking over to Darcy. “A baby...”
“Oh my goodness I’m going to spoil the shit out of the two of you! Can I tell Adam? He’s going to be so excited.”
“As long as he doesn’t tell Atlas!” I blurted out. “I want to tell him.”
“Of course.” She pulled me over laying my head in her lap. “That is going to be one gorgeous child.
“He’s going to be over the moon. I saw the way he was with Reid, I can’t imagine how he’s going to be with one of our own.”
“How are you feeling about it?”
“Honestly? I’m scared, excited, nervous.” I closed my eyes, taking a drink of the Sprite Darcy had brought for me. “I’m afraid to turn out like my mother.”
“You will be nothing like Celeste.” She assured me. “You know exactly how not to be. You would never inflict that kind of pain on another human being.”
“That’s true. I have to tell my dad, my brothers...”
“Atlas,” Darcy interjected.
“I figured he was a given.”
“Oh yeah.” She stroked my hair as she stared mindlessly at the television. “How are you going to tell him?”
“I have no idea,” I sighed, “I want it to be something he’s going to be excited about.”
“He’ll be excited, don’t worry. Just don’t do it through email or anything. We have to make it a big deal. I’ll be here every step of the way.”
“I know you will, Aunt D.”
I rolled off the couch and hurried to the bathroom.
How long does morning sickness last? Ugh.
❋❋❋
To: Ellie Ryker
From: Atlas Ryker
July 20, 2014
Hey Princess. How are you feeling? Adam said Darcy told him you were sick. I hope it’s nothing too serious. That’s what you get for eating expired Chinese food. Go buy some real groceries. When you’re feeling better that is. I’m glad she’s there to take care of you though. Maybe you need to go to the doctor or something. Yes, I’m worrying about you. I know how you feel now, this sucks.
Things here aren’t too bad. Hot as hell but other than that it’s okay. Spending a lot of time waiting, watching, preparing, mundane shit that just wastes time until I can see you again. There has been talk of us getting to leave a few weeks earlier than originally said. It just depends on how this upcoming mission goes. Keep your fingers crossed.
I miss you, Ginger. I’m counting down the minutes until I’m home with you. I’m really liking the second house you sent me. Close to the beach, in our price range, I think it would be great for us. We could fix it up and have a nice little place. I’m not opposed to doing repairs or anything. Working with my hands would be good for me. Well working on something other than loving you with my hands... That was really lame. Anyway, go check out the house and send me some pictures.
Hoping I get to call soon, I miss hearing your voice. Hell I miss everything about you. But until then, I love you, always.
-Atlas
To: Atlas Ryker
From: Ellie Ryker
July 21, 2014
Hey handsome. I’m feeling better, not much, but I’m not constantly nauseated or throwing up. That sounds really sexy, I know. I’m going to the doctor as soon as they can get me in. You should be relieved that Darcy and I actually went grocery shopping so there is normal and semi healthy food stocked in the house now. Minus Oreos and a ridiculous amount of hard candy to send to a certain couple of guys we know.
We drove by the house and I’m attaching a couple of pictures. I really love it, I think it’s adorable and we could fix it into something perfect just for us. It has wood floors and a huge porch, the paint is chipped but that’s easy enough. The upstairs bedroom has these gorgeous double doors that open onto the deck. But you can see all of that in the pictures.
I’m happy to know that you’re not out doing anything crazy yet. When do you guys go mobile? Just let me know so I won’t freak out when I don’t hear from you for a while. I’m going to try and send you some songs soon. I just haven’t really felt like doing much lately. This stupid sickness is really taking it out of me. As a matter of fact I think I’m going to go try and sleep. Call me when you can or email me or send up smoke signals, I don’t care.
I miss you. The bed is empty without you. I’ll pretend for now. Be careful, please. I love you, always.
~Ellie
❋❋❋
“Are you going to work today?” Darcy called from the outside of our bedroom door.
“Tell them I quit.” I mumbled from under the covers.
“You tell them.” She scowled.
“Fine,” fumbling around for the phone, I dialed the number to the diner.
“This is Hannah.” I rolled my eyes at the sound of her voice.
“Ellie, tell Shep I quit.”
“Are you fucking serious, Ellie? You’re supposed to be here in ten minutes!” Hannah screeched into the receiver.
“Don’t care,” I hung up, tossing my phone back onto the bed.
“You seriously quit?” Darcy asked, laughing through the door.
“Yup, zero fucks are given.”
“I’m so impressed. Atlas will be ecstatic.”
“I know,” I smirked at the thought. He had been asking me to quit for months now. Rolling over made my stomach lurch into my throat. Groaning I stumbled into the bathroom to meet the toilet again.
Somewhere between six or seven weeks along was my guess. That would be around the night of graduation. I had been sick for over two weeks straight. The doctor said I couldn’t be seen until I was eight weeks but I felt like I was dying. I had already lost six pounds and had been avoiding going to see my dad because of how bad I looked.
After emptying my stomach of anything it might have had in it I pulled myself into the shower, turning on the hot water. I was determined to make myself feel somewhat human today. I even dry heaved in the shower as I washed myself. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take of this. Turning off the water and drying off, I pulled on my favorite pair of Atlas’ sweats and a tank top.
Darcy was waiting for me in the kitchen as I fell down , exhausted, into a chair. “I’m taking you to the hospital.” She stood up, going for her bag.
“Don’t be ridiculous.” I rolled my eyes, laying my head on the table.
“No, Ellie, you’re being ridiculous. You haven’t ate anything in a week and you look like shit. No offense, babe. You have got to get something to make this stop or you’re going to die.”
“Fine,” I waved my hand dismissively, grabbing Atlas’ hoodie off the counter. “Get my phone for me?” I gave her my best smile as she nodded.
“Here, now lets go.” She handed me my phone and pulled me by the elbow out the door and to her car. “You should probably tell your dad or someone other than me.”
“I know,” I sighed, “I just don’t know how to tell anyone. I don’t know whether or not I should tell Atlas first and I hate to do it over the phone or in an email or something. I mean what am I supposed to do, Darc? Oh hey baby, I hope you’re being safe and not getting shot at or blown up and by the way I’m pregnant.”
“Well it’s not ideal but it�
��s better than nothing.” She scowled as she turned into the hospital parking lot.
“I’ll tell him, soon, I promise. I just... I have to figure out how first.”
“You have a week and then I’m letting Adam tell him.”
“Screw your ultimatum. This is my marriage and our baby, it’s not up to you to decide shit.” I spat the words at her, glaring out the window.
“Whatever, let’s just go get you seen.” She sighed in defeat, slamming the car door harder than necessary. I followed behind her, clutching my bag as we went through the automatic doors. Darcy marched right up to the counter, signing my name on the sheet.
“What can we do for you, Ms. Ryker?” The nurse asked with a sweet smile.
“Um, I’m pregnant and haven’t kept down anything in a little over a week, I guess?” I stared down at the floor, unsure of myself.
“Nothing? Like at all?” The nurse asked wide eyed.
“She isn’t keeping down water at this point.” Darcy stepped up, leaning against the counter.
“Come with me.” She stood up as I followed her to the triage room where she took my blood pressure. “You’re severely dehydrated, we need to get you back and start an IV. I’ll have someone come back and get your insurance information and everything.” She pointed to a wheelchair in the corner. “Have a seat and I’ll take you back.”
Darcy helped me sit down in the chair as my phone started ringing. “Shit, it’s Atlas.” I slid my finger over the screen. “Hey baby.”
“Hey gorgeous, how you doin’?” Atlas’ voice brought a small smile to my face.
“I’ve felt better. I’m actually at the hospital right now per Darcy’s forcefulness.”
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