Nobody's Girl

by Kitty Neale

  Pearl stared at Mo, her eyes transfixed with shock. She couldn’t be – she just couldn’t … Yes, she had missed once, but surely that didn’t mean anything? Her mind tried to calculate dates, but so much had happened in such a short time that she’d lost track. She’d left her first bedsit, moved in with Connie and Derek for a while and then ended up here. Oh God … and as realisation dawned, Pearl’s face drained of colour. It wasn’t just one period she had missed – it was two. With a gasp she stumbled to her feet and into the hall, taking the stairs two at a time as she fled to the sanctuary of her bedroom

  No! Oh, no! She was pregnant. But it wasn’t Derek’s baby she was carrying.

  Pearl was lying on her bed when Mo tapped gently on the door but, unable to face her, she buried her head in the pillow. She heard the door open, and hunched her shoulders.

  ‘Well, Pearl, from your reaction, I think I’m right after all. Come on, it ain’t the end of the world. You’re not the first girl to get herself pregnant before the wedding and I doubt you’ll be the last. At least you’re engaged to Derek and now you’ll just have to get married as soon as possible. You ain’t showing yet, so it won’t be so bad.’

  A sob rose in Pearl’s chest. She had expected disgust, censure, but instead Mo was being so kind. What would her reaction be when she found out the truth?

  ‘Try to pull yourself together, love, or you’ll be late for work. Have a chat with Derek as soon as you get the chance, and don’t worry, I reckon he’ll be as pleased as punch. Anyone can see that he thinks the world of you.’

  Pearl gasped, her whole body shaking and, obviously bewildered, Mo continued to pat her back. The door opened again, Emma coming into the room.

  ‘What’s going on?’ she demanded. ‘What’s the matter with Pearl?’

  ‘Shall I tell her, love?’ Mo asked.

  Pearl fought to bring herself under control, managing to nod her head in agreement, but couldn’t look at Emma as Mo broke the news.

  ‘Pregnant!’ she gasped. ‘Blimey, you soppy cow. Does Derek know?’

  With another sob, Pearl shook her head. She would have to face Derek, but dreaded his reaction. She was carrying another man’s child and there was no way he’d marry her now. Unable to put coherent thoughts in order, her mind raced. Connie would go mad too, and there was Dolly Dolby. What would she say when she found out that Kevin was the father?

  Kevin! Kevin was the baby’s father! Her stomach lurched. She had been denying her feelings for him for so long, but now that she was carrying his child they overwhelmed her. Despite the way he’d behaved – despite the flaws in his character – she was in love with him.

  When Pearl finally dashed into the café she was half an hour late, but instead of giving her a reprimand, Bernie puffed out his cheeks in relief.

  ‘I was worried that you weren’t going to show up. Madge is late too, and Dolly’s in a right old state.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Pearl told him, tying her apron hurriedly.

  ‘You don’t look too good, girl, and you look like you’ve been crying.’

  ‘I … I’m fine.’

  ‘If you say so, but perhaps you’re coming down with a cold.’

  ‘Yes, maybe,’ she said, thankful for the excuse.

  The morning rush had just started and Madge still hadn’t arrived. Pearl took her first order through to the kitchen.

  ‘You look awful.’ Dolly said.

  ‘I think I’m coming down with a cold.’ Pearl was glad to grasp at Bernie’s comment. Mo wasn’t due in yet, but she dreaded her arrival. She’d promised not to say anything, but Pearl knew how much the woman loved a good gossip. There wouldn’t be a chance to talk to Derek until her break, but if Mo opened her mouth the news would spread like wildfire. Please, God, she prayed, let him hear it from me.

  Madge came into the kitchen.

  ‘Where have you been?’ Dolly snapped.

  ‘Sorry, but I ain’t feeling well. I’ve got an appointment at the doctor’s but not until eleven thirty.’

  ‘You look all right to me.’

  ‘Have a heart, Dolly. When I woke up this morning I was in a terrible state, so wet with sweat that I had to have a bath. I may be a bit late, but I still turned up for work.’

  ‘All right, don’t go on about it, and get on with your work.’ Dolly’s eyes flicked to Pearl, ‘and that goes for you too.’

  As they scuttled back into the dining room, Madge threw Pearl a wink. ‘Dolly missed her vocation. She should have been a bleeding sergeant major.’

  Pearl managed a small smile but her heart wasn’t in it. In truth, tears were just below the surface but she fought them as she tackled the breakfast rush. How had it happened? She’d only slept with Kevin once, yet she was pregnant. Please let him want me. Please let him want our baby.

  Derek came in at eight thirty but she could hardly look at him, just murmuring that she needed to talk to him later. He looked puzzled, but seeing how pushed she was he didn’t ask questions.

  At last the café emptied, and at ten thirty Bernie called out, ‘Pearl, you still look awful. Madge can manage now so why don’t you have a break?’

  Pearl picked up a stack of crockery and went to the kitchen. ‘Dolly, I’m just about to take a break. Is it all right if I pop out for a while?’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘There … there’s something important I have to do.’

  Dolly heaved a sigh. ‘All right, but don’t be long. Madge has to be at the doctor’s for half-past eleven.’

  ‘Good luck,’ Mo called.

  ‘Why does she need luck?’ Dolly asked.

  Mo and Pearl looked at each other, both stuck for words, Pearl’s face now livid with colour. It was Mo who managed to stutter an answer, ‘Er … she’s going to sort out the wedding date with Derek.’

  Without giving Dolly a chance to speak again, Pearl swiftly left the kitchen, still wearing her apron as she made for Derek’s stall.

  He saw her coming and grinned. ‘Watcha, love.’

  ‘I … I need to talk to you,’ she stammered.

  Frank’s voice rose raucously from the next stall, ‘Apples – Bramley apples. Come on, ladies, only sixpence a pound.’

  Derek glanced at Frank and said sadly, ‘I still can’t believe that Frank’s leaving the market. He’s been pitched next to me for donkey’s years. Anyway, love, what do you want to talk to me about?’

  ‘Alone … we need to be alone.’

  ‘There ain’t much chance of that. Can’t it wait until tonight?’

  ‘No … it must be now.’

  ‘Frank,’ Derek called, ‘can you watch me stall for a while?’

  ‘Yeah, all right.’

  ‘We’ll go for a walk, will that do?’ Derek asked as he took Pearl’s arm.

  She nodded, feeling sick inside. She may not be in love with Derek, but was very fond of him and if this hadn’t happened she’d have married him. Unbidden, a thought popped into Pearl’s mind. Yes, but would you really have gone through with it? Pearl shook her head against the question. She’d been enjoying life, loved living with Emma and Mo, and had been relieved when Derek offered a long engagement. A year was a long way off, and she had avoided thinking about marriage. Now everything was going to change and stark reality was staring her in the face. She was going to lose Derek, lose his friendship, his protection. Tears gathered, but she managed to hold them back. She had betrayed this lovely man, she was going to hurt him badly, and however bad his reaction, it would be no more than she deserved.

  They walked to the end of the market, and along Shuttleworth Road, Pearl’s head low. There was a pub ahead and as they drew alongside it, Derek stuck his head inside.

  ‘The snug’s empty. Come on, we can talk in there.’

  With her head still low, Pearl sat at a table, and when Derek asked her what she wanted to drink her throat felt as if it was closing. She managed to speak, a croak, ‘Nothing, thanks.’

  He walked to the bar, soon return
ing with half a pint of beer to take the seat beside her. ‘Now then, what’s this all about?’

  She couldn’t look at him, she just couldn’t, her voice still a strangled whisper when she finally was able to spit out the words. ‘I … I’m having a baby.’

  There was a moment of silence, but then Derek’s voice was loud in protest. ‘Don’t be daft. Talk sense, Pearl. You can’t be having a baby. We ain’t … well, done it, if you know what I mean.’

  ‘Yes, I know, but I … I’m definitely pregnant.’

  There was another moment of silence and finally Pearl was able to glance at Derek, a swift look that showed his face white with shock.

  ‘Who was it, Pearl? I’ll bloody kill him.’

  ‘I can’t tell you. He … he doesn’t know yet.’

  Derek seemed to slump in his seat, his head shaking in denial. ‘I can’t believe this. Here, wait a minute, did he force you?’

  With all her heart, Pearl wished she could say yes. At least that might ease this lovely man’s pain, but with a sigh she said, ‘No, he didn’t force me.’

  ‘I’ll still kill him.’

  ‘No, Derek, please don’t say that. I’m so sorry, I really am. It only happened once, that was all.’

  ‘Huh, it only takes once. Bloody hell, Pearl, we’re engaged. I was gonna marry you.’

  Pearl looked at him at last and, unable to bear the hurt she could see in his eyes, tugged the ring from her finger. She then laid it on the table and rose to her feet, choking back tears as she ran out of the pub, leaving Derek slumped in his seat, looking like a whipped dog.

  ‘Here, Pearl, where’s Derek?’ Frank called as she hurried through the market.

  She couldn’t answer him, couldn’t speak. It had been awful, dreadful, Derek’s pain terrible to see. He would never forgive her and she didn’t blame him.

  The café was almost empty when Pearl stumbled through the door and sank down at the nearest table. Head buried in her arms, a huge sob rose, a dam of tears bursting as she finally broke.

  ‘Pearl, what’s wrong?’ Madge asked, hurrying to her side.

  Unable to answer, she was aware only of Madge tugging her arm, urging her to the kitchen. ‘Come on, girl, let’s get you out of here.’

  Somehow Pearl managed to drag herself up and as they entered the kitchen Madge said, ‘Dolly, I’ve got to go now, but Pearl’s in a right old state.’

  ‘All right, get yourself off.’

  Madge patted Pearl’s back before hurrying out, Dolly then saying, ‘Now then, what’s all this? Mo’s told us that you’re pregnant and I must say I’m shocked. Still, it ain’t the end of the world and I can’t see why you’re so upset. Surely Derek has said he’ll marry you as soon as possible.’

  Pearl knew there was no way out. She took a deep shuddering breath, struggling to bring herself under control. ‘The … the baby isn’t his.’

  They were all gawking, faces stretched with shock, but it was Dolly who voiced their thoughts. ‘My God, you look such a little innocent, but now you’re telling us that you’re pregnant by another man. Who’s the father then?’

  ‘I … I can’t tell you.’

  ‘Why not? Is he married?’

  ‘No, he isn’t, but he doesn’t know yet.’

  ‘Well, you’d better tell him, my girl, and as soon as possible.’

  Yes, but how? Pearl thought. She hadn’t seen Kevin for a couple of days, and when she did he ignored her. Worse was to come when Mo spoke.

  ‘I thought you were a nice girl and that’s why I offered you a room. You’ve only been around these parts for about five months and in that short time you got yourself engaged to Derek Lewis. Now you’ve got the nerve to tell us you’re pregnant, but it ain’t his baby. Well, madam, after your shift you can pack your stuff and get out of my house. I don’t want my Emma associating with the likes of you.’

  With a sob Pearl fled the kitchen, and the café. She heard Bernie’s shout, but nothing stopped her.

  * * *

  Tears blinded Pearl’s eyes and she didn’t see Bessie Penfold sweeping the pavement outside her shop until she collided with her.

  ‘Blimey, girl, watch where you’re going! Gawd, what’s the matter? Has Dolly Dolby been on the warpath again? That woman can’t keep waitresses for more than five minutes.’

  Without waiting for a reply, Bessie took Pearl’s arm, ushering her into the shop and locking the door behind them. ‘I’ve seen more girls leave that café than number nineteen buses. Mind you, I’ve never seen one leaving in a state like this. Hold on and I’ll put the kettle on. You look like you could do with a cup of good strong tea.’

  Bessie bustled out to the back room, but by the time she returned, Pearl had managed to calm down only a little. She was handed a cup of tea that looked almost black, but found her hands shaking so much that the cup rattled in the saucer.

  ‘Now then. Do you want to talk about it?’

  As she looked into the old woman’s dark eyes, Pearl saw gentleness, wisdom, and with the need to unburden, the words spilled from her mouth, ending with, ‘… and I … I’ve got to leave my room too. Mo is disgusted with me.’

  ‘Don’t take any notice of Mo Price. She’s no better than she should be. I could tell you a few things about her that might shock you, but I ain’t one to gossip. Right, let’s take this one step at a time. First you need to have a word with Kevin Dolby, but if you ask me he’ll try to squirm out of it.’

  ‘But he can’t – surely he can’t? Oh God, what will I do?’

  ‘You could get rid of it.’

  Pearl stared at the woman in horror, her hand inadvertently touching her stomach. ‘Oh, no, I couldn’t do that.’

  ‘Yeah, I suppose it could be a bit risky, but you could have it adopted.’

  Pearl frantically shook her head. ‘No, I’d never let my baby be adopted.’

  ‘You can’t support a kid on your own and, if you ask me, it would be the best thing for it.’

  ‘No it wouldn’t,’ Pearl cried. ‘I came from an orphanage and know what it’s like. I’ve seen children fostered out and then returned, sometimes traumatised by what happened to them.’

  ‘I said adopted, not fostered out.’

  ‘I know, but some of the children put up for adoption were returned too. Can you imagine what it was like for them? They dreamed of being part of a proper family, but some people only want perfection, not a traumatised child who may wet the bed or find it difficult to settle into a normal home.’

  ‘It wouldn’t be like that for a baby.’

  Pearl touched her stomach again. She knew what it was like to be without parents, without love, always wondering why she had been put in an orphanage. Always wondering who her mother was, her father was, and why they’d rejected her. She shook her head again. No matter what, she was determined that her baby wouldn’t suffer the same fate. Her voice was strong as she said, ‘Whether Kevin marries me or not, I’m keeping my baby.’

  ‘All right, I can see why you feel like that, but it ain’t gonna be easy for you.’

  ‘I don’t care. I’ll manage somehow.’

  ‘Yeah, I think you will,’ Bessie said softly. ‘Anyway, for the time being you need a place to stay. I’ve got a spare room and, though it ain’t up to much, you’re welcome to it. If you need a job for a while you can help me out in the shop. It’s getting a bit much for me nowadays, but I won’t be able to pay you much.’

  Pearl stared at Bessie Penfold with amazement. There had been no censure, just advice, and now the offer of a room and job. Her eyes filled with tears again at such kindness. ‘Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.’

  ‘There’s no need to thank me. If you remember, I told you that our paths would cross again and I was right. Now come on, I’ll show you the room and then I’d best open the shop again. I can’t afford to lose customers.’

  As Pearl rose to her feet she felt a surge of guilt. She had run out of the café, leaving them in the lurch, and she hoped Madg
e would be able to cope with the lunchtime rush. God – was she losing her mind? When Dolly found out she was carrying Kevin’s child, she’d go mad. No, she couldn’t go back, she couldn’t face Dolly, and quaked with fear at the thought.

  She followed Bessie upstairs, and as the woman led her into a small room, Pearl saw it as a refuge.

  22

  Pearl knew she had to go out, but couldn’t face it. It was wonderful of Bessie to give her this room, but the feeling that it was a refuge soon wore off when she realised how close she was to the café and Derek’s stall.

  If she waited until the market closed before going to collect her things from Mo’s, at least she’d be able to avoid Derek. But she still had to talk to Kevin, to tell him that he was the father of her baby.

  She looked around the room, uncaring of the damp, peeling wallpaper and thick dust on every surface. Bessie had told her to make up the bed, but she was still sitting on the bare mattress, her mind twisting and turning.

  An hour passed and Pearl’s head was aching with anxiety when she finally rose to her feet. Bessie had said there was linen in the hall cupboard, and in the back bedroom she would find some blankets or a quilt.

  Pearl rummaged, finding a pair of old, yellowing sheets, but when she went into the back room her eyes rounded. It was piled high with clothes, old curtains and blankets, all giving off a musty, damp smell. She gingerly picked up a blanket, surprised to find that it was thick and in good condition. After rooting further, she found a home-made quilt with hexagons of pink and blue flowered material. It was beautiful, the stitching perfect, and someone had obviously spent many hours sewing it together.

  With the quilt and another blanket under her arm, Pearl went back to her room. She needed to keep busy, needed something to do, and after making up her bed she tackled the dusting. Finally, with nothing else to do, Pearl nervously went downstairs.

  ‘It’s about time you showed your face,’ Bessie said. ‘You can’t hide up there for ever and I’ve already had to get rid of Bernard Dolby.’