Inside Out

by Lauren Dane

  She narrowed her eyes at him. “I want to help.”

  “You tried this the other day at Top Pot too. I’ve got my own company; I make more money than you do. It’s silly to try to pace me like I have a mental tally in my head. I don’t.”

  He studied her as she tried to figure out how to let it go or else make him see her perspective.

  “Remember when I told you you were transparent, and everything you felt showed on your face?” He kissed her knuckles. “Tell me. This is clearly more than you feeling generous or like you ordered lobster or something.”

  “I like to pay my own way. Paying my own way means I own everything in my life, all my decisions, good and bad. No one can take it away from me because it’s mine.”

  He got it then.

  “Ella, I get it. But I’m not him.”

  She put her fist on the table, and he took that one too, kissing it, unfurling her fingers and wrapping them with his own. “I’m not keeping a tally, nor do I want to. I have no desire to control your life or your destiny. It’s dinner, and I’ll be taking you out a lot; it’s what couples do. You can’t pay every time, nor do I want you to. Why don’t we meet in the middle? You can pay the tip?”

  “The middle is twenty percent of this meal? I told you I didn’t become a doctor because I hated math, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get math at all.”

  He sighed. “Since you’re being so honest, let me be too. I hate this. I hate that, even though I know this isn’t about me, that it’s about me anyway. I don’t want to tell you what to wear or who to be friends with. I want you to be in my life because you like it. I get this, I do, but I don’t want it to be part of what we have.”

  She blinked several times, peeked at the bill and tossed down a tip closer to 30 percent than 20 percent. “What? The service was very good, and they did those substitutions for us.”

  He grinned, kissing her hard and fast. “All right then.”

  Bundled up, they’d walked along the beach, not needing words. He kept an arm around her, loving how they fit together so well. And when they got back to the house, they’d paused on the deck, looking out over the water, listening to roaring white noise of the sea.

  Funny how quickly he’d gotten used to how she looked as his woman. Having her there to put an arm around, to hold her hand. But it was his ability to touch her, touch every part of her, that he loved most. She was his to caress, to kiss and nuzzle, his to breathe in at the hollow of her throat.

  He turned her to face him, the deck railing at her back. “Hi there.” He kissed her.

  “Mmm. Hi yourself. I’m stuffed, warm, wrapped in your arms. Dude, this is pretty damned good as life moments go.”

  He skimmed his hands up, over her hips, beneath the hem of her sweater until they found her breasts. “Love these.”

  She smiled, head tipping back, body arching into his touch.

  “I knew she was in there,” he murmured, nuzzling her neck as he moved the cups of her bra down to get to her nipples.

  “Who?”

  “The woman who arches her back to get more from me. Sensual. Beautiful. The woman who glories in her sexuality and allure.”

  She snorted a laugh, and he pulled her inside.

  Not bothering to stop pulling her clothes off as they made it to the pillow-strewn floor in front of the fireplace, he rolled her onto her back. “You laugh?”

  “I’m so not those things. You are those things.”

  “I have an aching cock that says different.” He looked at her as he eased her panties off, leaving her totally naked to his gaze. He loved that she no longer hid her scars from him. Dropping a kiss on the hollow of her hip, he licked his way to her belly button.

  “It’s my turn,” she gasped out.

  “I’m trying,” he said before finding her clit and giving it a lick.

  “Oh. Well, that’s not what I meant, but”—she made that sex sigh he loved so much, and he wanted to laugh at how easily swayed she’d been—“I’m so easy.”

  He did laugh at that while he situated himself between her thighs. “Thank God for it.”

  Two orgasms later, he slid into her body just as she opened her eyes and met his. The shock of recognition made him freeze a moment at the raw intimacy of it. He was exposed. Turned upside down by the way she saw him.

  She used that moment to change her position and roll him over. “I like it this way. I like looking down at the most beautiful man in creation. Naked and spread out for me.”

  “You give good compliment, darlin’.” What else could he say? That he was ass over teakettle in love with her? He wanted to, but he didn’t want to scare her or move too fast.

  Still, as she undulated her hips, rising and falling over his cock, she burned herself into his heart, into his soul, and there was nothing else inside but what she did to him.

  He came as he looked up her body, over the curves of her breasts, the points of her nipples, puffy from desire, the line of her collarbone and the elegant neck. “Beautiful.”

  He was addicted to Ella Tipton’s presence in his life. Needed her in ways that scared him, even as they thrilled him.

  Ella smiled up at Cope as he put a mug of tea at her left hand. She’d been working on a paper, the last major assignment she had. She finished her practicum already, had done her fieldwork. Essentially, she was done once the paper was turned in.

  But she was neglecting him, and he’d taken the time to be with her. He was probably mad about that.

  “I’m sorry. Let me put this away, and we can hang out,” she said, finishing up the sentence she’d been typing into her notebook computer.

  He leaned in, touching her arm. “Hey, no stress at all. It’s important, and I’m not going anywhere. Just reading the paper and watching you. Take your time, Red.”

  Oh. The shame of it washed through her as she realized she’d been reacting like she had with Bill. Stupid and totally unwarranted.

  She got up on not quite strong legs, and he jumped forward to steady her. “Babe, you okay?” He peered into her face, and to her great mortification, she burst into tears. He drew her into his arms, running his hands up and down her back. “Shhh. What is it? Ella, what’s wrong?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  He picked her up then, like it was easy, and bought them both to the couch before sitting, keeping her snuggled in his lap.

  “Sorry for what? Did I do something wrong?”

  Which only made it worse that he’d think it was him instead of her being all stupid and bound up inside over something that happened to her years before.

  She shook her head. “No. Not you at all. It’s me. Just something stupid.”

  “Your ex?”

  “I’m dumb, Andrew. To be affected by something that happened so long ago. You’ve never done anything to merit a reaction like this. I’m”—she clapped her hands over her eyes—“humiliated. I’m so sorry. We can go back to Seattle. I’ve ruined everything.”

  He tightened his hold, kissing her cheeks, kissing her eyelids and her temple. “Shhh. You’re not dumb. You’re one of the smartest people I know. Tell me. Tell me and let it go.”

  She didn’t want to taint the weekend with that. “It’s not a pretty story. It’s not nice, and I don’t want to bring it here between us.”

  He tipped her chin up, kissing her lips softly. “Baby, it’s already between us. You’re apologizing for something I don’t even understand over something that seems like nothing you’d need to apologize for.”

  She tried to duck her head, but he wouldn’t let her. Finally she shook her head and moved his hand. “I can’t. I can’t look at you when I say it. I can’t. Please.”

  He paused, blinking a few times. “Christ. Ella, I don’t know what to do here. I don’t want you to be ashamed. It’s not your fault. I don’t want you to think I agree that whatever you say is something you can’t say to my face. Because you can trust me not to judge you.”

  “I can’t. It’s too humiliati
ng. Please. I want to try to tell you, but I can’t deal with looking at you when I do. You’re something beautiful, and I don’t even know how I ever ended up with you like this. You’re something right. But what was before wasn’t right.”

  “All right. Tell me how you need to tell me. But I want you to understand something, Ella Tipton. You can tell me anything. I admire you. I like you, and though it’s probably the way wrong time to say it, I love you. Look away if you need to, but you need to know that.”

  She blew out a breath, her eyes widening and her heart thudding in her chest. Maybe he meant it like he loved her in the same way Elise loved her.

  “You’re totally transparent, did you know that?” He grinned, kissing her hard and fast. “We can talk about the love thing after you tell me the other stuff. It can be a palate cleanser.”

  She frowned at him, but he kept wearing that damned sexy grin. She took a deep breath and ducked her head. But left her hand wrapped in his. “It’s just that he had to be in the center of my focus at all times. I couldn’t read at home or do homework. He would be insulted if I paid attention to other stuff. It was just second nature, I guess. To see you there and feel guilty. And then ashamed.”

  “It wasn’t the act of me bringing you tea that brought this on. Ella, please look at me.”

  She did, raising her eyes to meet his, hanging on for dear life.

  “You smiled at me. You finished your sentence and then said you’d be right with me. I told you it wasn’t a big deal. It was after that when it hit. What was it that pushed your buttons?”

  “It hits sometimes. Well, no, these days it always hits in some totally random and unexpected way.” She licked her lips. “I knew you didn’t mean it that way. I knew you weren’t upset because I brought along my work to begin with. I wouldn’t have before. I gave up pretty much everything for him, so he could always be number one. You’re not like that. I know it. But some part of me deep down reacted that way. Like an animal. It’s not about you at all. I dragged you into it.”

  Cope wanted to protect her from anything and everything that could harm her. He wanted to wrap her up and keep her safe. Holding her there as she couldn’t even look him in the eye over something she was not at fault for was torture. Because he wanted to fix it for her, and he couldn’t.

  “Part of you will probably always react that way. It’s meant to be there, Ella. It’s the survival instinct.”

  “When I first left, for months after that, I didn’t have panic attacks. I didn’t freeze up at random. He didn’t hit me every day. Not even every month. He terrorized me and made me small. That was his control. So when I left, I had it back. And then it slipped away.”

  “I imagine someone breaking into your apartment with the intention of killing you would kick that animal part of a person into high gear.”

  “I’d like very much to be normal all the time. Or at least crazy in good ways.”

  “Everyone’s a little crazy. Life makes a person crazy. You’ve endured a lot, and yet you’re surviving. Thriving. Graduating with your master’s degree! You have a new job. You have friends who love you. You have parents who love you. And me.”

  Once he said it, he couldn’t not say it again. He now had a powerful need to make sure she understood just exactly what he meant.

  “I know. I’d planned to wait to tell you for at least a few more weeks. But I’ve known you for years. I’ve known you and been falling in love with you every minute of the last six years. You’re going to say it’s sudden. You’re going to say I don’t know what I’m feeling. And so I’m going to stop you before you do and tell you I know my own heart. I know the difference between how it feels to hold you, between what it means to know when you pick up one of my phone calls, I’ll hear the smile in your voice, and how it has ever been before. I love you, Ella.”

  She gaped, starting to speak and breaking off several times. He satisfied himself by kissing each one of her fingertips and thinking up ways to make her come as she reeled through ways to deny what he was saying and couldn’t.

  Finally she slumped, snuggling into him and whispered, “I’m glad I’m not alone.”

  “No arguments?”

  “I’m leaving a door open for you to exit through gracefully if I finally reveal something horrifying to you. I wouldn’t blame you.”

  “Now you’re insulting me and my taste.”

  She snorted, but stayed cuddled on his lap. “Well, you fell off the gorgeous blond woman wagon and into me. Jeez, Andrew, I can see the difference between me and the women you’re usually with.”

  He pinched her side, but not hard enough to really hurt. “Hey. You know what else? Who am I with right now? You. Yes, you are different and that is why I love you and can’t even remember any of them. Hell, Red, I can barely remember my own name when you come into a room.”

  “You’ve befuddled me on a regular basis for years now,” she muttered. “And you’re still doing it.”

  It was his turn to snort. “Good. It’ll keep us both on our toes. Gonna be a bit of a bumpy ride, I imagine. At least you’re female and there’s only one of you. Maybe my dad will finally be satisfied. But it’s doubtful you’ll be spending any time with him anyway.”

  She sat upright and swung her leg around to straddle his lap and face him. All thoughts other than shoving his cock deep inside her as she rode him just like this flittered away. His hands moved to the curve of her waist, and she cocked her head, giving him a good look.

  “Tell me. I’m not going to say a word to anyone. Don’t carry it around with you.”

  She’d opened up to him, and he yearned to share, so he did. “He tried to punch me.” He said it fast, in one burst of air and sound. “He called Ben and said horrible things. I can’t repeat it because it’s vile and because I promised Ben. But it was enough that I went to see him to urge him to get his act together and mend fences because it was nearly too late. He didn’t react well. I haven’t been over to their house or spoken with him since that day. I’m worried about my mom. I haven’t told her about it, but she knows something worse than usual happened.”

  She kissed his cheeks before sliding her arms around him and hugging him. “I wish I could help you.”

  “You do. That’s what you’re not hearing. You make me better just by being around.”

  “Ditto,” she said with a sniffle. She moved a bit and then giggled. God, he loved making her giggle. “Um, it feels like I’m making a few things better,” she said, grinding herself over his cock.

  He leaned her back to the couch. “Oh, sweet Ella, you always make that part better.” He unbuttoned her sweater, sighing happily when he’d exposed her bra and then her breasts. “Even betterer-er than before.”

  She laughed again, her voice lowering the way it did when she wanted him.

  “I think you’re supposed to kiss it to make it better.” She reached between them and down the waist of his jeans, grasping his cock. “Should I do that?”

  17

  It wasn’t more than a few days after he’d returned from the coast when Cope opened up his mail to find a bright red envelope. He smiled once he saw the lettering and recognized Ella’s address.

  Wanting to read it but hearing the honk of Ben’s arrival—his neighbors would love the honking at seven in the damned morning—he tucked it into his messenger bag and rushed out to where Ben sat in his truck, idling at the curb.

  “ ’Bout time,” his brother said by way of greeting when he’d gotten inside and buckled up.

  “If you were even halfway punctual I’d be offended. As it is, what was I supposed to do? Run out and jump in through the window like we’re Bo and Luke Duke?”

  “Don’t test me, asshole. I need caffeine.”

  “Good thing your wife owns a café then, huh? Not as fun to go there now that my Red works elsewhere three days a week now.”

  “Your Red, huh? That’s nice to hear. Christ, I feel like such a shitty brother for ignoring you. I’m sorry I haven�
�t been around much for you to talk to about this.”

  “You’ve got a lot to deal with at the moment. I told her I love her this weekend. We had amazing sex. She gets me. It’s just . . . I don’t know, man, magical, I guess. She’s the one. I know it right to my toes.”

  Ben smiled. “I’d say, so fast? But I know you. If you say it’s the real deal, I believe you. And it’s not fast when you’ve known a woman six years. Not really.”

  He was so glad his brother got that. Cope hadn’t spoken to anyone about telling Ella he loved her, but he knew it would come up that he told her after only dating her a short time.

  “This is what I told her. Mom wants me to bring her to dinner. I’m running out of excuses.”

  “Why try to get out of it? Mom’s a great cook, and you know, if this thing with Ella is going to be serious, you’ll need to get her around the Copelands anyway.”

  “I’m not speaking to Dad, and I’m sure as hell not taking Ella around with all this tension. Mom likes her, she likes Mom. Maybe we should go out to dinner or have her to the house here. The kitchen is working, and I’m nearly done with the dining room.” Ella had convinced him to let go of the condo and move into the house full time. He’d come home Sunday, and she’d even helped him pack the rest of his stuff and take it over.

  “Anyway, I want Ella and Mom to get to know each other better and on a different level, without all that baggage. It’s going to be enough pressure as it is.”

  “You don’t have to estrange yourself from them for me.” Ben’s voice had gone from lighthearted to sad.

  “I’m not estranged from both of them. He needed to hear a few things, and he didn’t want to when I confronted him.” Best not to share the part about the near miss with the punch.

  Ben pulled up in front of the café. “You didn’t tell me you confronted him. What happened?”

  Cope opened his door. “Nothing worth writing home about. Come on, let’s get some coffee, and I’ll sulk that there are no women working the morning shift now that Erin is at home.”