“Really?” Aurora said. “The owner’s daughter?”
“Yes,” the assistant said, “but that is all I know.”
“Well,” Aurora said, “am I able to do an interview? Are they still interested?”
“Yes, they are,” the assistant said. “Let me check Mr. Banquet’s schedule.” She continued, “Are you available tomorrow around 10:00 a.m. for a conference call?”
“Yes!” Aurora said. “Yes, of course. 10:00 a.m. Eastern Standard Time?”
“Yes. I will email you the details for the call.”
“Please call my personal number directly,” Aurora said. “No one here at my office knows I am interviewing for a job yet.”
“Okay, no problem.”
Aurora said to herself, I guess if anyone asks tomorrow, I will tell him or her I am on a business call for a new set designer or something. I don’t want anyone to think something is up. I mean, I don’t know if I will get the job. Why would they want me?
--
That night, Aurora could not sleep. The more Aurora thought about leaving to go to New York, the more she didn’t want to interview for The Times position. You are just trying to psych yourself out, Aurora. Snap out of it.
The more Aurora thought about anything, the less likely she was to do it. It was like when Aurora would shop and find a nice shirt or a pair of shoes that she really liked. She had so much excitement to get that new shirt or those new shoes. I worked hard for this; I deserve this, she would think to herself. The longer she shopped in that store and looked at other things, the more she would think about why she didn’t want it or didn’t need those shoes or that shirt. This would lead her to end up leaving the store without anything.
She did the same thing with any big decision in her life. She didn’t know what would be the shoes or that shirt she left in the store. Would it be Melih, Jason, or New York? If she would defeat her self-doubt for something she was passionate about, then she knew she would know she was doing the right thing. She felt that way after she left Gannon. She did the right thing, and she hoped she would feel the same way after the next big decision she made after her divorce.
Aurora didn’t like change because she didn’t like the unknown. So, if Aurora would think about something too long, she wouldn’t do it unless she was really passionate about it or really wanted it. Then nothing would stand in her way to get what she really wanted deep down inside her heart. She was always testing herself to see what she really wanted. If she still wanted something hours after telling herself she didn’t deserve it, want it, or really need it, then she knew that thing was meant to be for her.
She didn’t like that she could not predict the future or that she might fail at getting the job and her dream of ever working for The New York Times would be ruined for her. Aurora was her own biggest enemy and critic. Later in life, she would come to terms with knowing that there was nothing she could have been done to change the outcome of her and Gannon’s relationship or the way he was. Even if she had believed in his “artistic talent,” he would not have changed or been a better spouse.
In Aurora’s career, she strived for the unachievable and achieved it. In her personal life, she settled and never strived for someone she liked or deserved. That is why she stayed with Gannon for as long as she did.
But I want to change that way of thinking.
--
As she walked to the coffee shop that next morning to meet Jason for their morning coffee, she started to realize that she had no idea why she kept meeting with Jason, but Melih hadn’t called or tried to talk to her in weeks. But Melih "promised" he would be by my side through this divorce.
As she sat at the table and people in suits were running in to pick up their coffee and read the morning paper, she felt like all of the people around her were moving in fast-forward.
“Aurora?”
“Yes?” Aurora said as she stared at her cup of coffee, thinking about her interview, Melih, and her divorce.
“Why are you so quiet this morning?”
“What do you mean?” she said as she was sweating from her temples that had their own heartbeat.
“I don’t know,” Jason said. “It just seems like you have something on your mind. You didn’t even eat your chocolate croissant. You usually eat that in one bite.” He laughed.
“It is nothing,” Aurora said as she sat up straight. “I just have a stressful meeting with my boss.” She took a bite of her croissant to prove to Jason nothing was up.
“Oh, okay,” he said. Then Aurora wiped her buttery hands with a napkin.
She graced Jason’s hands with hers and said, “Everything is okay.” She felt guilty, as if she were living a double life. I am lying to myself.
“All right,” Jason said. “I will take your word for it…. So you were out drinking late last night?” Aurora took a sip of her coffee.
“Yes, I was,” Jason said. “You know that I was drinking to destress.”
“But it was a Monday night,” Aurora said.
“The earlier in the week, the better, huh?”
“Not really,” Aurora said. “You know I do not drink anymore.”
“I know,” Jason said. “I am sorry about that.”
She gave him a smile. “I just wish you could just drink less.”
“I wish that for myself, too.”
After she left the coffee shop, she thought, I don’t know if I am annoyed with Jason and his drinking or just overly stressed this morning. Is it about Melih? Why won’t Melih just call me? What is wrong with him? I need to tell Jason the truth about Melih. Wait, no I don’t. What if Melih never talks to me again?
--
She put her hands to her face. Aurora, snap out of this boy drama and focus on this dang interview. She took several breaths and tried to resume working, but she could not focus. She kept organizing the articles she needed to edit, and her stationary set on her desk.
One hour went by and Aurora received a call. She let it ring a few times while she calmed down and caught her breath. With every ring, her heart beat faster.
This is big, Aurora. This could change your life. She released a big breath of air and picked up the phone.
“Hello. Good morning.” Oh my God.
“Good morning, Aurora,” Dean Banquet said. “So, you used to intern for us?” Aurora coughed as she cleared her throat.
“Well, yes,” Aurora said. “But I was writing for you too. I mean, I still freelance for The New York Times on occasion.”
“Yes.” Dean said. “Of course…. So, do you mind jumping right into the interview questions?”
“No,” Aurora said. “I am ready whenever you are.”
“What do you read? What are you currently reading now?”
“I read The New York Times, of course.” Aurora said. “But I also read women’s fiction, history books, romance… I basically read anything, but right now I am reading through Jane Austen’s books.”
“Right. She is one of the classics,” Dean said. “Why do you want to work for The New York Times?”
“Well,” Aurora said, “It is my dream. As you know, I shut down an editor position with you once before, and it is definitely something I do not want to again. I deeply regretted that. Working for The New York Times is my dream job, and I know that now better than ever.”
“By why work for us?”
“I just love everything about The New York Times,” Aurora said. Oh God… What am I even saying? I just want to get the heck away from Gannon and this city, which is tainted with horrible memories from my past, and most likely my future.
“I love it too, but if you could change one thing about The New York Times, what would it be?” Dean said as he kept firing off the questions like a machine gun.
“Well,” Aurora said, “I feel you need to focus more on hiring some younger staff to have their voices be heard.”
“Well,” Dean said, “we have The Edit now, for that.”
“I know,” Aurora sa
id. “But I do not think that is enough outreach because it is only a newsletter. Maybe have more positions available to younger writers?”
“Noted. But if we were to hire you, we would be hiring a millennial. A 'young person.'” He flipped over a paper in front of him, then wrote something down. Maybe he didn’t like my answer. “Anyway, what is something you are most proud of?”
“Doing this interview today.”
“Really?”
“Yes,” Aurora said. "It took a lot of courage to get to this point and to finally make this call and try to really pursue my dreams… It was something I should have done a long time ago.”
“That is a good answer,” Dean said. “Is there anything else you would like to add to the interview today?”
“No,” Aurora said. “Well, I want to add that if you give me this opportunity to work for you, I promise I will not let you down. This is what I want to do.”
“Well,” Dean said, “those are all of the questions I have for now.” That was quick. Why did I make all of this anxious excitement for this short interview?
“Thank you for taking the time to do the interview with me today,” Aurora said.
“You’re welcome,” Dean said. “We will be in touch."
“I look forward to..." She heard the click sound as he hung up the phone on the other end. "...hearing from you.” She sighed.
We will be in touch? Was he not interested in me? Of course he isn't, she grumbled as she put her head to her desk.
Chapter 25
Aurora continued to hang out with Jason, as Melih avoided her. Is Melih scared of showing me his true feelings and then his family may not want him to be with me in the end? Though she knew seeing Melih too much would make her never want to leave to go to New York City, if she got the job. Aurora could not avoid her own thoughts because she was always thinking about Melih. She wanted to be with him. She wanted to be holding his hand and going on dates and kissing him. Melih had told her that he would be “whatever she wanted him to be" and “I will help you through this divorce.” But she knew that was too good to be true. His actions spoke louder than his words. With Melih, you have to read between the lines, right? I mean, I cannot figure him out.
Things were simple with Jason. Not just simple but easy. He had his life together. Things were not complicated, but that kind of simplicity made Aurora bored. Jason had been very supportive through the whole divorce process. Aurora started to learn that that was not a justified reason to stay with Jason. You had pity for Gannon. Do not have pity for another man. Look where it got you.
One evening, Aurora was at Jason’s having dinner. Like many Wisconsin nights, it was windy and cold. You could hear the wind whistling outside as it moved its way up and down the street. Inside his apartment you could hear mushrooms simmering in a wine reduction. The aroma smelled sweet. Aurora wanted to take her fork to try to steal a mushroom from the simmering pan.
“Don’t touch it! You have to wait to have the full effect of all of the flavors at once,” Jason said, after he took a sip of his glass of wine. Aurora was staring at his red wine stained lips. She rolled her eyes. He is literally always drinking something. Doesn’t he care I am trying to maintain my sobriety? Ugh.. Whatever…
He poured the reduction over a mouth-watering chuck steak, grilled to perfection, with a side of fingerling potatoes tossed in a garlic butter sauce. The smell was intoxicating.
“I love that you are a great cook because I am not,” Aurora said.
“It is okay, I have had your pancakes once. They were not bad,” Jason said.
Aurora brought up a subject that she had brought up many times. Whenever it was brought up, he would always change the subject. It was a dark and problematic time in Jason’s life he did not want to talk about. It was dark like the chocolate covered strawberries Jason pulled out of the fridge. He placed them on a plate with whipped cream and put them in front of Aurora.
“Thank you for the dinner. It was amazing. Like always.” It was one of the best meals Aurora had ever eaten, but the conversation they would have after dinner left a bad taste in her mouth.
Jason said, “I figured you would like it.”
“So, Jason,” she paused and thought about whether she should bring up a certain topic he would not want to talk about. “I just don’t get how a handsome guy like you is still alone.”
“I am not alone, by the way. I am with you, am I not?” Jason said. “Aurora, why do you always have to say that? It is not a compliment. A guy at my age should not be alone.”
Jason quoted the word “alone” with his fingers. He sat down and took another drink of his wine. Aurora watched him drink as the wine went down his throat and he gulped it down.
“Oh wow!” Aurora said with sarcasm. “I am surprised you set down your glass of wine for a second.”
“Excuse me?” Jason said.
“You are always drinking something when I am around you. I am surprised you stopped for a second.”
Jason said, “Are you just trying to find something wrong with me? Or does my drinking actually bother you?”
“Both. Maybe… I don’t know,” Aurora said as she threw up her hands. “I just don’t get why you would be alone and you know I am sober, and you always drink in front of me.”
“I am sorry,” Jason said. “You never told me.”
“I have given you hints, but you don’t want to listen to me. Just like everyone else. It is like I don’t exist to the world,” Aurora said. “From your defensiveness over the drinking, was your last break up that bad, Jason?”
“Well, was yours?”
“Excuse me? Eff you, Jason!” Aurora wanted to cry but instead she gave him a hard stare.
“Ouch. Your words hurt me so much. Not,” Jason said.
“Why are you so crabby? What’s wrong with you?”
Jason slightly raised his voice. “Nothing is wrong, Aurora. You were the one acting crabby, and you just keep bringing up something I don’t want to talk about.”
“You can talk to me,” she said, though in her minding she was yelling at him. She was good at faking her emotions. She had been a great actress in high school plays.
Jason said back, “Look, Aurora. I will just tell you the truth now because you will never let it go.”
“What is it?” Aurora said.
“Well, you know my ex fiancé cheated on me,” Jason said. “Not just that. She got pregnant from another guy. She didn’t tell me until he was two years old. I thought he was my son.”
“I am so sorry,” She said. Aurora was shocked by the news and actually felt bad for him.
“No, you are not. You just want to find something wrong with me,” Jason raised his voice and threw his hands up with disgust. “We always talk about you and your stupid divorce and your life. All. Of. The. Time.”
“So, now the truth comes out,” Aurora said.
“Guess so,” Jason said. “I also want to tell you, since we are telling all of our secrets. I will never have kids or get married, either. Not to you or anyone.”
“Oh, well that’s good to now.”
“My ex ruined it for everyone. Just like your ex is ruining your present right now,” Jason said. “If you want to leave me for that, then leave. I will never marry you, or anyone.”
Aurora yelled, “I never said I wanted to marry you!”
“Then why do you always act like a wife to me?”
“What the heck are you talking about?” Aurora said.
“You just always nag on me!” Jason said.
“Again, what are you talking about? I don’t care about what you do,” Aurora said.
“Okay then, you can leave.”
“What? Just like that?” Aurora said.
“Yup! Are you happy now? Now you found my imperfection, as well!”
“But I was supposed to leave you,” she said but did not realize she was speaking out loud.
Jason said shocked, “Wait, you want to leave me?”
&n
bsp; Aurora fired back, “You just told me to leave. Why do you care?”
“Well, I was mad at you and annoyed, but I don’t want you to leave me, or to leave you at all.”
“I don’t take threats anymore,” Aurora said. “Been there. Done that. Wrote about it.”
Jason tried to grab Aurora’s hand. “Come on, Aurora. I was just mad.” That sounded like the same line Gannon used to say.
“I am sorry, Jason. I can’t do this,” Aurora said as she put on her boots. “I don’t see my future with you either, Jason. I have to go.” She grabbed her coat, purse, and keys, then left. She could hear him saying her name as she left. She slammed the door behind her.
This conversation with Jason made the decision of what Aurora would do after her divorce a lot less complicated. She felt like she was living a double life with her being with Jason and wanting Melih. Glad Jason is out of my life now. But I am just scared of being alone. Why am I so scared? Do I think no one will ever want to be with me? Am I damaged goods? What if New York fails? I will have no man to fall back on? I will have no one. I will be alone. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel like I need a man?
She felt she needed support from a male figure, like she had felt her whole life, just like seeking her dad’s approval as a little girl, then Gannon’s as an adult, though she was easily capable of handling anything life threw her way. I am making my life much more difficult than it needs to be. Aurora was a lot stronger than she thought.
Aurora knew that night that she had to take that job in New York. She knew if she stayed in Wisconsin, she and Melih would get together and she would be in the same routine. She already turned down a great job and opportunity once for a man; she wasn’t going to do it for a man she barely knew. Yes, Melih had been her friend for several years and he made her feel things she had never felt before, but she didn’t know him personally. He was always private about himself.
What is with all of these guys and their secrets?
After She Said Yes Page 15