Client from Hell

by R. J. Blain

  “Lucifer abhors abusers and rapists, and he works on those fucking assholes when he’s in his worst mood. You’ll find if Lucifer is matchmaking, you’re being set up with someone who lacks those tendencies.”

  “Says the incubus who can control someone’s desire.”

  Jonas chuckled. “I can turn you on, but you ultimately decide if you act. We do not take free will away—we just do a damned good job of making humans want to jump the nearest person for a good time. A human always has the ability to walk away and say no. Most just don’t make that decision. Once you’re recovered, if you’d like to be influenced to see how good you are at resisting temptation, I’m happy to oblige. I won’t even act on the opportunity, although I’ll immensely enjoy you begging me to change my mind.”

  Oh. Nice. “What do I get for resisting you?”

  “Nothing, which is why resisting is so difficult. All you get from resisting me is disappointment.”

  I scowled. “Should I resist you successfully, you will cook dinner for me using things from your garden. I like most meats, but I don’t like weird organs.”

  “And what do I get if you don’t resist?”

  “Fed.” I engaged him in a staring contest, raising a brow. “Aren’t virgins delicious treats to a fine incubus such as yourself?”

  “You are playing a dangerous game, Sandra.”

  “I’m not playing a game. I’m making a bet with equivalent odds and a great payoff. That society seems to think my virginity is actually worth something is ridiculous. I don’t get anything for having my virginity, and I’m not compensated for losing it, but people seem to think they have the right to tell me—and other women—what to do with our bodies. A man’s virginity is worthless. Nobody cares if a man goes to his wedding day a virgin. There are no campaigns to preserve his precious virginity because a man’s virginity has no value. It’s expected most men are practiced at sleeping around. Women are the ones who pay the price in the eyes of society. Although, that said, are virgin men delicious to succubi?”

  “Considering their rarity, they’re an extremely rare treat they try to enjoy when they find one. And you’re absolutely correct. Women do unfairly carry the burden of virginity.”

  I displayed my middle finger for Jonas to admire. “This is how I feel about the situation. That said, I’m sure my parents think I’ve been around the block three or four times by now. I’m in college, and there are frat parties. I never attend the frat parties, by the way. I’ve no interest in them. I also have no interest in being drugged or raped, which is an unfortunately common occurrence at those parties.”

  Jonas returned his phone back in his pocket and shook his head. I finished signing the papers and handed them over. “I’ll return shortly, as I’ve been told I will keep you amused today, else I’ll be one of the fucking assholes for an afternoon, and it took exactly one round of that to learn I do not want to repeat that experience again.” He vanished.

  Well, the rest of my day would be interesting, which beat the relentless boredom of waiting to find out if I’d die or not.

  I appreciated having something to look forward to.

  Six

  What do you mean by mangled?

  After giving me two units of blood, the nurse checked my blood pressure, which insisted on remaining low. When she left with a frown, I worried. Within twenty minutes, she brought a collection of doctors back with her. Jonas showed up at the same time they decided to pop me back into a full round of testing.

  “You’ll have to leave, Mr. Esmaranda,” one of the doctors informed the incubus. I checked his name tag, which had been covered with a sticker reading Mortan. I realized all of them had gone with first names, something I hadn’t paid much attention to as I’d continued to call everybody doc because doc was easier than trying to remember names.

  The handwritten stickers with first names intrigued me. “I mean, if he wants to watch you all poke me with sticks and stir my insides, I don’t have a problem with it, doc. I’m sure he could be useful.” I squinted to make certain I’d read his name tag correctly. “Testing sucks, and I wouldn’t mind an incubus holding my hand or stripping while I endured, Dr. Mortan.”

  The doctor grunted. “Unless your incubus is owed a favor by an angel, I’m afraid he’ll have to leave until the tests are over.”

  Jonas shrugged. “Well, I mean, if an angel is needed, I could probably get one with minimal fuss. What specialty do you need? Some are better at certain things. Unless it’s her reproductive system, in which case, you just need me. I’m a one-stop shop for anything involving women and their reproductive systems. I’m also good at general female hormonal therapy.”

  That caught my doctor’s attention. “If I asked you to check her hormone levels, how good are you at getting accurate results?”

  “Do you want accurate hormone levels or corrected hormone levels? If you want accurate levels, I’ll just steal Diana’s scanner. I mean, I’d have to steal Diana, too, but I don’t mind a little kidnapping now and then. I would find that to be entertaining.”

  “Miss Moore? While it wasn’t a part of your planned treatments, at this stage, it would not go amiss to have him do a check. It would remove some strain from your virus. Do you consent to Mr. Esmaranda being informed of your current health problems?”

  “I want to be out of this place as soon as possible, no offense to you meant at all, Dr. Mortan. Tell him whatever you want. You better give him the warning about how lycanthropy is a contagious disease, and while I haven’t started looking at men like they’re dinner yet, it could happen soon.”

  I really needed to deal with my glasses. I’d been able to handle things close to my face, like my paperwork, but my inability to see far clearly hadn’t improved since the chemotherapy. I hoped I could still drive, as I’d have to drive to get to a place I could fix my glasses. If anything, my prescription had worsened. The blurred figures of the doctors and nurses did their best to keep from laughing, although Dr. Mortan grinned before replying, “This is a valid concern. Mr. Esmaranda, I recommend against engaging in any adult activities with Miss Moore unless you wish to become bonded to her. It would also stress her already strained virus. When we started this experiment, we did not anticipate the virus would continually plunder her blood to repair her internal organs to this degree.”

  Jonas chuckled. “Let me contact an angel or archangel first. Give me twenty minutes, and I’ll be back with an assistant. I’ll handle the hormonal therapy, and if there’s damage to her reproductive system, I can make myself useful on that front.”

  “Her reproductive system is currently rather mangled,” my doctor admitted.

  “What do you mean by mangled?” he asked with a frown.

  “The cancer destroyed most of it, truth be told. One ovary is still somewhat intact. The rest is a write-off, and we’re hoping the lycanthropy virus will repair it over time. Without the lycanthropy virus, we’d be removing everything except the one ovary.”

  “I’m missing a lot of bits right now, Jonas. Honestly, it’s probably a miracle I haven’t left the hospital in a cardboard box on route for the morgue. These docs are seriously great. I mean, I’m a living experiment to see if a cancer treatment on terminal patients will work, but I’m way ahead of the game right now.”

  “I see. I’ll return within twenty to thirty minutes,” Jonas promised before disappearing.

  “You have the strangest guests, Sandra,” Marie announced. “I don’t know how you got an incubus willing to do that level of work, but you’re fortunate.”

  “Do you think the angel or archangel will talk sense into him once he starts asking for favors? He keeps coming around, and he’s handsome enough I find it difficult to suggest he should go away.”

  “He is easy on the eyes,” Marie replied with a grin. “And if he can take some of the strain off your virus, even better. The donor can’t keep up with you if you keep going through two to four units a day. Lycanthropes regenerate quickly, but this is mor
e than they typically regenerate.”

  “We have another two units available, but it’s from a different donor,” Dr. Mortan replied. “I had wanted to save them for tomorrow, but that is unlikely at this point.”

  “Human blood?” I asked.

  My doctor shook his head. “No. It’s someone with a matching blood type and the same strain. The donor convinced someone with the same strain to donate in case you needed it. We simply did not anticipate how many units you would require.”

  Great. The last thing I needed was a setback when I was about to move forward with an internship that would put me in the perfect position to help care for my family, assuming the Devil didn’t discover what I’d been doing prior to his invitation to work for him.

  In a perfect world, I’d never think about my evening activities with some matches and gasoline ever again.

  Several flashes of light drew my attention, and Jonas returned with two angels. I made certain to keep from glancing towards their heads, uncertain if I’d be able to pierce through their shrouds.

  “Do close your eyes, Sandra, dear,” one of the angels said in a feminine voice. “That will make things easier for you. I am Camael. My brother is Anael. Jonas inquired if we might be able to offer assistance in your quest to better treat patients inflicted with cancer. It would be an honor to do what we can.”

  When an angel said I should close my eyes, I accepted the advice without question or complaint. “It’s appreciated. This whole dying young thing is not really up my alley, although if you actually owe Jonas a favor, I feel like you are in just as tough a spot as I’m in.”

  Jonas snickered. “They used to owe me favors, but they’re freeing themselves from such a terrible burden with something that is probably trivial for them when they’re working together. Dr. Mortan, if you could explain the situation to them?”

  Dr. Mortan, without bothering to use any of the layman’s terms he’d used with me, launched into a rather detailed explanation of what my cancer had done to my body. From the little I could translate of his medical lingo, I was up a shit creek without a paddle or a boat, and the shit creek was due for a diarrhea disaster.

  The angels’ laughter chimed.

  “That is an apt translation, young Sandra,” Camael replied. “While my brother is what you would call only an angel, I am an archangel. I felt your curiosity.”

  “Well, holy shit, Jonas. What filthy work did you do to be owed a favor by an angel and an archangel?”

  The incubus laughed. “What makes you think I was doing filthy work?”

  “You’re a sex demon. Isn’t that what you do?”

  “My work is never filthy. It’s pure pleasure.”

  “Please save your flirtations for later,” Camael scolded. “My apologies, Dr. Mortan. Please continue. We shall try to limit our interruptions.”

  “There’s not much more to tell. All of her organs have been compromised in some fashion or another, her brain is damaged in numerous places, and the lycanthropy virus is working hard trying to restore organ functionality, but it’s consuming her blood to do it since she no longer has any muscle mass left for it to plunder from, nor can we feed her sufficient calories to fuel the healing work. Unless we can arrange for multiple donors of the same virus strain, once we’re out of blood, that’s it. I don’t think we’ll be able to keep her topped up with enough human blood to counter the virus’s rate of consumption. This was not an expected hurdle.”

  The archangel made a thoughtful sound before she said, “So, we can either provide fuel for the virus, or we can repair the organs so the virus can rest and recover—or we can do both. Young Jonas here is a suitable caretaker for her should we handle such care. You would want to discharge her, as her virus would inevitably spike. You would not want a new lycanthrope with no control caged in a room such as this. I am certain he can keep her out of trouble while she adapts to her virus.”

  “I can take care of her,” Jonas said. “Anael, if it would not be a burden, could you make an arrangement for a lycanthrope-friendly hotel in Athens? Some of the errands Lucifer wishes for her to run are ideal for a fidgety lycanthrope who needs some exercise and fresh air. He likely anticipated something like this happening. He’s an asshole like that.”

  “I will take care of this matter and return soon,” the angel stated before something popped.

  I resisted the urge to peek, keeping my eyes closed so the angel or archangel wouldn’t eradicate me. “You better talk to your brother-in-law about getting paid for this, Jonas. I’m pretty sure losing favors owed to you by an angel and an archangel is worth a pretty hefty paycheck. Make him build you your own house and greenhouse somewhere nearby his residence so you can have some personal freedom. Then make him maintain your current greenhouse.”

  The archangel chuckled. “I see you have charmed yourself a fledgling lycanthrope, Jonas.”

  “I wouldn’t call myself charmed. He just has my attention, he’s offering the goods, and he’s tolerable company so far, and I didn’t have to get him out of his clothes to be tolerable. That’s actually a pretty good start to a friendship, honestly. And the fact he’s trying to keep me from meeting a premature end is definitely helping his cause. Also, I don’t know if headless beings even have eyes, but look at him. He’s pretty handsome.”

  “He is an incubus. They are always handsome. An ugly incubus would have difficulties feeding himself.”

  “His personality is, despite what I’ve been told, actually pretty decent. That’s rare, Camael. I’m evaluating if he has a suitable number of positive traits right now. Honestly, don’t tell me if he doesn’t. I’m enjoying my delusions. That, plus he’s handsome.”

  “I’m right here,” Jonas complained.

  “Yes, yes. Since I can’t open my eyes right now, you may as well just not be there at all. I’m trying to find out from a higher power what you bring to the table.”

  The archangel giggled, and the sound reminded me of the tinkling of bells. “Jonas, my darling little brother, you will find this one will bring you much trouble should you let her.”

  “If you’ve ever listened to Darlene, you will have known for years I’m nothing but trouble and deserve nothing but trouble for my various sins,” the incubus replied. “Though out of the extensive collection of in-laws, you’re one of the nicer ones. You don’t make me think you’re contemplating the benefits of wiping me from existence.”

  Camael’s laughter bloomed. “My siblings only do that because you were so delightfully skittish when you were first converted. You’ve become much steadier since then. I will leave all tormenting of your person to the young lady putting serious thought into keeping you. After we have treated her, we will teleport her to your hotel, where you can indulge in your base nature and pamper her. You can do your share of your work there, as it will be lengthy and tiring for you both. I will confer with Lucifer to make certain you are fed through an alternative fashion. You will become quite hungry after the work you put in, and she will not be capable of feeding you for at least a week.”

  “I’ll be fine. I have good control over my hunger.”

  “That is a sad truth,” the archangel replied.

  Something popped, and a moment later, Anael announced, “I have made arrangements for a hotel room, but it is not directly in Athens, although it is close enough. There were no places appropriate closer. I notified Lucifer to mitigate his complaints, and he agreed with my choice. He will send an amended list of things she should do as soon as she can.”

  “Then we will begin. Doctors, nurses, your work has been done, and it has been done well, but we shall do what you cannot without great effort on your part and greater suffering on hers. We shall compensate your lost research by evaluating each future for treatments and providing the information you need to help other humans suffering as she suffers. You did well by her, although you were not prepared for the realities of the treatments you attempted.”

  One of the doctors sighed. “We weren’t
expecting her to survive the first phase, but she did not want a slow and long demise, and there was a chance.”

  “A chance is better than no chance when one has her will to live,” the archangel replied. “You learned something very important with the combination of treatments you gave her. You will save many lives because you were willing to risk hers. Continue such research. You have made another step forward for the caring of other humans, and that is an important thing. Now, please go. Jonas, you may stay. Your first job is to rig a blindfold, for we will need to expose our halos, and it will be easier without the shrouds.”

  Footsteps ushered in the closing of a door. I could only assume the doctors and nurses had obeyed and left. “And since I’ve been flirting with death, I can see through the shroud anyway. Or might soon. I’ve been warned.”

  “You have flirted with more than merely death, and your vision is not a consequence of your mortality but your adept skill with magic. You did not pursue any forbidden arts, which makes your discovery of how to create a shroud all the more impressive. You learned because you needed to conceal something, and you did not know what magic you awoke within you. To create a shroud, you must see the shrouds—and you must see through the shrouds. But your soul is mortal, and that dooms you. I shall correct that.”

  “You’ll what?” Jonas blurted.

  “He loves His fallen son, Jonas. You know this well. This girl’s demise would hurt my brother, and He is a compassionate being. She broke no universal laws. She did not even skirt breaking any.” The archangel giggled. “You, young Sandra, should not be permitted near matches. They are a temptation you cannot seem to resist.”

  Damn it. I hadn’t even thought about what had led up to needing to create a shroud in the first place. “Busted,” I muttered.

  “You were, as you say, busted the instant my brother refused to look and his little nightmare could not pierce what you created. He found your daring to be charming, and He instructed we were to preserve your soul, for you uncovered the secret through nothing more than forcing my brother to pay consequences for his actions—and He appreciates that.”