by R. J. Blain
“Now that we’ve gotten the important details hammered out, tomorrow, we’ll see if you’re capable of handling a walk and start some physical therapy. If you progress through physical therapy well, then we can begin physical therapy in bed.”
“So, you’re saying if I want you to be my bed buddy, I need to get off my ass and work like I mean it.”
“Precisely.”
“The game is on, Jonas. However much I like board games, I’m ready to be able to go do these dumb errands Lucifer has for me. Honestly, there’s only so many times I can crush you at chess before I become burdened with guilt over crushing your fragile ego.”
“Excellent. Bath first, and then we’ll go on our first adventure to the restaurant in the lobby. You will deserve a treat for having walked that far.”
It took a week for Jonas to declare me healthy enough to attempt Lucifer’s errands, and while I got dressed, he called his brother-in-law to get the updated list of things we needed to accomplish. Judging from how long Jonas spent jotting down notes, we would be out all day, and I would be an exhausted, quivering mess by the time we finished.
I could live with that, especially if it helped unlock him as my bed buddy. Technically, he served as a bed warmer, as I had a difficult time keeping warm due to my non-existent body fat. When I viewed my life as a video game, I was stuck on a hell level, but I got an excellent prize when I beat the level’s boss. For defeating the first hell level, I would receive Jonas as my prize. A few extra weeks might leave him hungry, and from what I’d researched on the internet, little beat a hungry incubus out for a meal.
To make sure my plans succeeded, I’d have to make sure our errands included a stop at a lingerie store.
While it would be months before I became healthy, I would at least feel pretty when I hunted an incubus and enjoyed his hunger.
Jonas hung up his cell and grunted. “Lucifer’s list is ridiculous.”
“Lucifer is ridiculous, so it comes as no surprise to me that his list is also ridiculous. What’s on our schedule?”
“He has selected a vehicle for you. We’re to go pick it up. It’s been waiting at the dealership. Both of our names are on the vehicle’s insurance, as he wasn’t sure if you’d be able to drive it yet. It’s probably a manual, judging from his concerns over if you’d be able to drive it without lessons.”
“I can drive a manual,” I announced, rather proud of being one of the few who could. “My parents used old cars, and they learned because sometimes the only car they could afford was a manual. I learned to drive on a manual because of that. Their current car is an automatic.”
“Ah, yes. Their current car is basically new inside while using the old body. They will find it is much better on mileage and has a blatant refusal to break down. Their mechanic might get a little confused when they go to give it an oil change, but that’s a small matter. They’ll never fail an emissions test again, that’s for sure.”
My parents would be shocked when their car made it to its next oil change without some problem cropping up. “The poor tax sucks.”
“The poor tax? Oh, you mean having to keep buying, repairing, or replacing something because you were forced to get it cheap, thus spending more money than if you’d just purchased the better item to begin with?”
“Yes, that. The poor tax.”
“I remember the poor tax from when I was a mortal. It was not pleasant. Darlene did her best to mitigate the poor tax, but I was not much help with that. After we were converted, she claimed the car that had caused all of the problems for us, and she gave it to Lucifer as a present. My sister is an entity of pure evil, by the way.”
“Lucifer loves your car, doesn’t he?”
“Second only to his family. To him, it’s the ultimate trophy. He likes reminding me how I’m responsible, but then he gets ticked off because he has to thank me at the same time he’s scolding me, as because of me and that damned car, he has Darlene in the first place. Sometimes, he lets me drive it on errands, though.”
“You love the car, too, don’t you?”
“Definitely. I learned a lot of lessons from that damned car.”
Having a new car—or any car with fewer than a hundred thousand miles on it—would be a novelty. “All right. After we go to the dealership, what’s next?”
“Clothing shopping. His directions are to fill the trunk three times with clothes, twice for you, once for me. Honestly, I’ll teleport with everything back to the hotel to save the trips. You are to dress me to your standards rather than mine. Apparently, I need help, and he’s tired of having half-starved, cranky demons in his house.”
Some errands were easier than others. “If Lucifer is trying to work his way into my good graces, he’s doing an excellent job of it. But to make the sting a little more tolerable, one trunk load of clothes can be you dressing me. Bed buddies should be able to dress each other sometimes.”
“Deal.” Jonas referred to the errand list, and he sighed. “Lucifer has informed me there will be abandoned, needy kittens at a set location at a set time. He gave me the times and the location. He expects us to go pick up the kittens. He was not precisely clear what we should do with the kittens once we have acquired them, but I have been warned they are infected with some form of contagious disease, so we are not to let anyone other than us handle the kittens.”
The poor kittens. “May I borrow your phone, please?”
Jonas unlocked and handed me his phone. Upon poking through this contacts and recent call list, I identified Lucifer’s number and pressed the connect button before holding it to my ear.
On the second ring, Lucifer answered, “You have your own phone, my little spicy pony with bite.”
Huh. I liked the name, and I would make no comment regarding it beyond a single grunt to acknowledge he’d gotten me good. “I forgot I had a phone that actually works,” I admitted. “And Jonas was right there with his. Jonas? Can you help find my phone and my tablet? We’ll probably need it for the outing.”
The incubus bounced off to do my bidding, and I chuckled at his antics. “Anyway, sorry about that. I had a question about the kittens. Jonas said you hadn’t given instructions on how to handle them. I need instructions, or I’ll have a kitten-fueled meltdown, especially knowing they’re ill.”
“They’re infected with lycanthropy, and the individuals who infected them with lycanthropy are trying to infect the general populace. You weren’t given instructions because I’ll be picking them up shortly after you acquire them.”
I sucked in a breath. “The kittens have lycanthropy?”
“Yes, that is what I said.”
“You’re not going to hurt them, are you?”
“Of course not. I’m going to take them to a lycanthrope vet and put them in the appropriate new home so they don’t infect any unsuspecting humans. If you like any of the kittens, you may keep one or two. They’ll need special homes, and they’ll be happy enough in your residence here in hell.”
“I have a residence in hell?” I blurted.
“You do now. Diana helped me design it, and we’ve been keeping ourselves busy. You may even keep your bed buddy at your residence, although I do ask you return him every now and then so his sister can get her hugs.”
I shouldn’t have been surprised that my inclination to keep Jonas as a bed buddy had made its way to Lucifer. “You can even take him back whenever you need therapy, although I’ve been told I’ll be a depressed lycanthrope once he purges the virus.”
“I’m working on converting a pair of hellish therapists. This time, I’ll couple an incubus and a succubus who will be mostly monogamous with a willingness to handle the therapy cases. That’ll let them do group therapy as required, and hungry incubi and succubi do not care how many people are involved when they’re desperate to feed. Don’t tell Jonas this, but he got the short end of the stick because he had to pay his dues from his mortal life. He no longer owes any payment, so it’s time to kick his ass out of the nest a
nd let him get on with having a proper demonic life. One where he doesn’t mope around my house and cause me trouble. If I do require him for therapy and he needs to purge your virus, you’ll be compensated—as will he. Honestly, I doubt he’ll pan out as a therapist again, but he’ll have to learn this on his own. I expect the first time he tries, after purging the virus, he’ll be unable to follow through.” Lucifer chuckled. “And, of course, because you’re you, you’ll be a pain in the ass before accepting him back as your bed buddy, even if he doesn’t sleep with another woman. I encourage this, because that boy still has some growing up to do, and you’re not his mother.”
Yep, I foresaw a great number of battles waged between Lucifer and Jonas. “He’s to be a bed buddy, which means I’m not responsible for encouraging any responsibility outside of what goes on in my bedroom. If you want to cultivate responsibility, I recommend you hire a therapist for him. That person is not me. But, as you’ve been poking your nose in my business regarding my bed buddy, you can pay me extra for keeping your little brother-in-law fed once I’m cleared to obtain a bed buddy. Which won’t be for a while. Jonas says he’ll check how I’m doing in another week or two. Right now, I’m a mess.”
“A little hunger won’t hurt him, but I’ll keep that in mind. Paying you off is a small price for lessened whining in my house.”
“Does my new residence have a greenhouse?”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“If you expect my bed buddy to stay at a residence other than yours, you’re going to have to provide motivation for the bed buddy to stay elsewhere. That means he needs a greenhouse. You can make it as an attachment or give me a nice, pleasant walkway or something so he can go to his greenhouse. There also needs to be a good kitchen to accommodate his cooking ways. Make sure there are a few spare bedrooms for the nights my bed buddy isn’t game for being a bed buddy, because bed buddies need their own rooms. We’re bed buddies, not a couple. I’m feeding him with the expectation of being paid in general satisfaction and frequent bed warming.”
Jonas snickered, shook his head, and brought my phone and tablet to me. “You just lit a fire under Lucifer’s ass, by the way. That is never going to sit well with him. He might be a fallen angel, but he’s still an angel, and he doesn’t understand long-term sex hookups.”
“Yet he creates sex demons.”
“You’d have to ask him about that. I just accept what I can’t change, and I’ve accepted he makes zero sense when it comes to his matchmaking ways.”
I snickered. “Lucifer, I’ve been informed that you are unfamiliar with the concept of a loveless sex hookup. He has a problem, I have a problem, his problem solves my problem, my problem solves his problem. Thus, I get a bed buddy, and I don’t have to worry about caring for a man. This one will just show up when he’s needed, and he’ll go away when he’s no longer needed and do whatever it is incubi do when they’re fed and don’t need to hunt.”
“That one gardens, complains when things aren’t orderly, and annoys me.”
“And hides your wallet behind your wife’s milk.”
Lucifer sighed. “And hides my wallet behind my wife’s milk. I was hoping you’d become a grounding influence for him.”
“Sure. I can do that. When he’s not grouchy because he’s hungry all the time, and he has a stable food source who isn’t going to be wandering off to work a brothel, he might be more inclined to do what you want. Your problem is simple. You allowed him to become bored, and you gave him an opportunity to do something about his boredom. You don’t need to find him a wife to solve your problems. Is there anything else I need to know about these errands we’re about to go run?”
“I guess you’re not going to take the buy wedding rings portion of the trip seriously, are you?”
“I don’t have to marry him to drag him to bed and do whatever I want with him. Why would I marry him? Be serious, Lucifer. I thought you appreciated when people lived in sin.”
“Not when I’m trying to hook them up on a permanent basis.”
“Question. Do you know what a spicy pony with bite is, by the way?”
“Honestly, I have no idea, but I can’t wait to find out. The last time He got involved like this, He created Darlene. And if you are to Jonas as Darlene is to me, Jonas will have the ride of his life ahead of him. Do yourself a favor, Sandra. Have fun with him. If a bed buddy for life is what you really want, who am I to argue with you? But as I’ve learned from my little kitty, when He meddles, He tends to make His creations particularly jealous. Take him as a bed buddy if you want, but be honest. Will you want to let him go once you have him?”
I considered his question, trying to step into the Devil’s shoes for a few minutes to contemplate my answer. My professors had tried to grill into me that an attorney invited trouble with certain answers to questions, but without any other honest answer, I replied, “That depends.”
“On what?”
“How much you annoy me, how much he annoys me, how much I’m paid to keep him, and how good of a bed buddy he is? That’s only the beginning of the considerations, Lucifer. Or you can be happy I’ll take him as a bed buddy until I get bored of him. If he does a good job of being entertaining, it’s unlikely I’ll get bored of him, and then I’ll keep him around as my bed buddy for however long he wants to stick around. But I would like to remind you of one thing. I’m not the only player in this game. What does the bed buddy want?”
“To have people use my name for a change,” Jonas muttered.
Poor Jonas. “But you’re a pretty bed warmer, and you look like you’ll be such a good bed buddy.”
The incubus sighed. “Well, that’s something.”
“I’m sure your ego will survive until I can do my share of the bed buddy work. You’ll be okay, Mr. Incubus. Lucifer, Jonas is an adult. While I’m a fairly young adult, I’m an adult, too. We can decide how best to ruin our lives without any help from you.”
“The idea isn’t to ruin your life, but to make it better,” Lucifer muttered.
“What part of having a bed buddy I don’t have to otherwise worry about isn’t better? I mean, I’m coming out of this smelling like roses and happy every night—and possibly happy every morning, deciding how we decide to approach our bed buddy benefits. I don’t have to like or love him to enjoy his company in bed. He just has to perform.”
Jonas tossed back his head and laughed. “You’re going to fit in just fine, Sandra. That was just ruthless along with evil.”
“You’re going to be a harder nut to crack than I thought. Very well, Miss Moore. If you want to play, let’s play.” Lucifer hung up on me.
Joining him in laughing, I gave Jonas his phone. “Your brother-in-law is certifiable.”
“As what?”
“A matchmaking busybody and a lunatic.”
“He really is. Shall we get this show on the road? And if you become too tired to finish the errands, I’ll tell Lucifer to go fuck off, and we’ll finish the rest later.”
Grinning, I gathered everything I would need for an adventure into the outside world for the day. “That’s how you get invited to become a permanent bed buddy who might be allowed to see other parts of my day, Jonas. I just thought you should know.”
“However much fun it is to take an enemy to bed for a wild fling, there is something to be said about the enhancements only affection can bring to a shared bed experience. Personally, I prefer the unique foreplay of wagering on some form of game before retiring for the night. I find this to be relaxing and tempting.”
“We can experiment with that after we survive the Devil’s errands.”
Eight
I thought Atlanta had been completely wiped out.
When the Devil went down to Georgia, trouble happened—and cities burned. Rather than send us to a dealership in Athens, his directions took us to Atlanta, a drive that should have taken a little over an hour but took three due to the deteriorating roads and traffic.
While I’d been aware o
f the city being razed after some idiotic corporation had tried to end the world, I hadn’t realized Atlanta, much like a weed creeping up through a crack in concrete, struggled to be reborn. The outskirts of the city thrived, and construction crews worked to restore what the dragon had destroyed.
“Does the rental company know we’re taking their vehicle to no man’s land?” I asked yet again, unable to believe we could actually take the fancy SUV into the site of a mini armageddon.
Jonas chuckled. “It’s fine. Not only do they know, we won’t be taking the SUV back to Athens. We’re picking up a car, remember?”
“While I remember, I’m struggling to believe that’s actually happening. Also, I thought Atlanta had been completely wiped out.”
“It was. It’s been years, Sandra. A lot of residents actually survived. Kanika forced the Devil’s brothers to teleport out those who could be saved. Really, she’s a penny pincher because she’s spending all of her money on the rebuild. That one just never gets over her guilt, no matter what we tell her.” Jonas sighed as traffic ground to a halt yet again. “Do me a favor. Call Lucifer and tell him this is a really shitty idea of a joke.”
I grabbed my new phone, dialed the Devil, and held it to my ear. Then, on second thought, I put the phone on speaker so I wouldn’t strain my arm holding the damned thing.
“You again?” Lucifer complained. “Didn’t I give you enough work to keep you busy for a while?”
Grinning at having annoyed the Devil, I replied, “We’re stuck in traffic on our way to Atlanta. Jonas thinks you have a really shitty sense of humor, and that this is a really, really shitty idea of a joke.”
“Oh. Right. The dealership in Atlanta. I got lucky. The car was being showcased in the United States, and it happened to be in Atlanta for another month before being sent to a different dealership. It was available for sale, so I bought it. You treat that little lady good, okay? She’s hard to get, and there are only four others of her kind currently available, and they’re over in Europe right now, and nothing is quite as annoying as having to drive a new car through several layers of my many hells to relocate it from Europe to the United States in a few hours rather than shipping it—or worse, trying to find a plane that’ll take it.”