by R. J. Blain
“You could teleport it,” I reminded him. “Surely teleporting a car isn’t beyond you.”
“You just don’t teleport a car that fine. She could be damaged.”
Goodness. Had Lucifer hit his head? Had Darlene finally beaten him so hard his brain had gotten rattled in his skull? Had Kanika finally figured out how to strangle him, resulting in irreversible brain damage? “Are you feeling all right, Lucifer?”
“Cute, Sandra. Very cute. I’m feeling fine, thank you for asking.”
I chuckled. “Are you sure? Because to me, it sounds like you’re spouting nonsense again.”
Jonas grinned, and we inched through traffic. While he hadn’t seemed like the patient type, he waited without complaint while every driver in the area moved at a snail’s pace. With a little luck, we’d be able to escape Atlanta with ease; the cars on the other side of the median zipped along without a care in the damned world.
“Fine. I had buyer’s remorse, and the other car I bought wasn’t good enough. I had Diana pick that one up, and she’s going to drop it off at your parents’ house after I figure out how to irrevocably damage their vehicle without being too suspicious.”
For fuck’s sake. Was Lucifer a child? “Why did you have buyer’s remorse?”
I would have been happy with any car that worked, I could afford to maintain, and would take me around without running the risk of falling apart.
“I had bought a Honda Civic because it was a little sporty, reliable, and seemed like something you would be comfortable with.”
At a loss for words, I checked the screen to make certain I had called the right number. The phone reported I talked to the Devil. I replied, “You’re not wrong, but why would you think it wasn’t good enough? How old is it?”
“It’s brand new.”
I blinked. “And you think a new car isn’t good enough? What is wrong with you?”
“I’m ridiculous, my standards are too high, and if I know what’s good for me, I’ll beg you to forgive me, and I’ll use other filthy words to appease my wife.”
Ah. Darlene had to be listening in on the conversation. “Please bear with me a moment, but what filthy words?”
Lucifer sighed. Jonas burst into laughter.
Obviously, the Devil wanted me as an intern to serve as a bastion of sanity in a hell gone mad. Or hells gone mad. “Lucifer?”
“Please don’t get upset for my standards, which my wife has informed me are unreasonable. She hit me with the whip while telling me this, convinced I will upset you with my vehicle of choice. I am hoping you will forgive me in exchange for giving the Civic to your parents after their other car has an unfortunate incident.” The Devil growled. “She made me use filthy words again, damn it.”
“Don’t trash that poor car. Give it to some other poor family. Check the houses down the street from my parents’ place. I’m sure you’ll find somebody who needs a working car given about thirty seconds. Miss Martha might be able to use it, although she’ll bless your sweet heart until you’re blue in the face because you can’t scold a little old lady for being thankful, try to pawn off pecan pie, and make you cornbread while you wait because she’s got nobody and misses having family about.”
Lucifer heaved another sigh. “Kanika, take Malcolm, go kidnap the fillies and their parents, and go invade on some lady named Miss Martha, who lives near Sandra’s parents. Take over some eggs or something, and say you got too many. Go play nice with the pecan pie lady, and save Darlene and me a slice. We’ll take some cornbread, too.”
Apparently, Lucifer was having a family meeting, as Kanika said, “You just want pie.”
Judging from the clarity of her voice, the Devil had me on speaker.
“You better fucking believe I want pie.”
What had I gotten myself into? Well aware the pair would fight for the fun of it, I said, “Before you argue about pie, if you start doing that, you’ll find out everybody in our neighborhood isn’t really all that well off. That’s just the way it is.”
Those who could afford to move did, and those who couldn’t afford to leave did their best with what they had.
“There, Kanika. You have a new project to keep you busy for ten minutes, and since it benefits Sandra, you can plunder my bank account without shame. I’ll have Diana go on a stroll with me, and we’ll select a gem to toss out into the world and cause some mayhem for a filthy amount of money, which you can then use to help those in the neighborhood. But I need some pecan pie, Kanika. I need it.”
“So go to a grocery store,” Kanika suggested.
The Devil gasped, and having lived in Georgia all my life, I couldn’t even blame him for his reaction. “Watch the filth coming out of your mouth, young lady. You do not buy pecan pie from a grocery store. Pecan pie needs to be made at home with love, else it just doesn’t taste right.”
“For fuck’s sake. You’re sending me to Georgia to get you pie?”
“Well, I’m actually sending you to Georgia to give that little old lady some company and keep an eye on Sandra’s parents and take over the Civic, but I figured since I’m sending you to Georgia anyway, you may as well try to acquire some pie for us. Just tell Sandra’s parents the car is part of Sandra’s hiring bonus, but she won’t need it for a while, so she is loaning it to them. Then I can make their car have an accident and gradually ease them into ownership of the Civic.”
I could see that ploy working with time. “Make sure to tell them I won’t need the car soon, as I have a business vehicle to use, and that somebody needs to care for it while I’m in rehab. I’ll layer on some excuses later.”
Kanika sighed. “I can do that. Fine. I’ll try to get you some pecan pie. Just try to behave yourself for once in your life.”
“I did that already. I didn’t get mad when He decided to make my Sandra a spicy pony with bite. In fact, instead of getting upset, I became curious, and you know how much I enjoy a good mystery. What is a spicy pony with bite? I really want to know, and I can’t wait for Sandra to show us what she’s got.”
How wonderful. I’d become even more of an interest to Lucifer and his family. Worse, I’d transition to Lucifer’s property. “I’m assuming a spicy pony with bite is some form of equine capable of breathing fire and likes to bite. From my understanding of the situation, not a cindercorn.”
“That’s sad. I could always use more cindercorns,” Lucifer complained.
“Becoming a cindercorn was fairly high on my list,” I admitted. “So were dragons. But honestly, any horse is a good horse in my book. A spicy pony with bite is probably like a horse, right?”
“Ponies are like spunky small horses with more pride than sense,” the Devil confirmed. “You would make a stellar pony, so I’ll be pleased if you’re a pony or a horse. I must have done something to make my idiot father happy with me for a change. Darlene? I’m feeling dirty. You need to restore my sense of normality. Get naked.”
“No,” Darlene replied.
“But I like you naked.”
“Are you trying to earn being put on the couch tonight?”
“While I’m grateful to see evidence I’m not the only one Lucifer annoys, why am I stuck in traffic on the way to Atlanta?”
Lucifer snorted. “We already went over this. The dealership in Atlanta has the car I want you to have, so you have to go to Atlanta. Jonas, despite his many faults, is actually a good driver and can be useful for other things, so you get to keep him as your pet for a while.”
Darlene giggled. “While I won’t be getting naked for your amusement, you’re earning your way back into bed tonight with that talk. Have fun being Sandra’s pet, Jonas.”
“I have a cruel sister,” Jonas complained. “What if Sandra murders me and puts my body in the trunk of her new car?”
“Your body won’t fit in her trunk, even if she cut you into tiny pieces, so she’ll have to plan your murder better,” his sister replied.
Ouch. What had Jonas done to earn his sister’s ire? �
�I have to try on lingerie later, Jonas. Look on the bright side. We can guess what my bra size will be in three weeks, and we’ll make some bets on it. You can cope with your sister’s hatred until then.”
“Honestly, with those terms, you’re really right. I can cope with my sister’s hatred. It’d serve her right if you murdered me and dumped my body somewhere, though.”
I rolled my eyes at the thought. “You’re no use to me dead, you idiot incubus. Is there anything useful we should know about your errand list, Lucifer?”
“Just prioritize the rescues. If you don’t get to the rest, there’s always another day. Do as much as you can. Jonas, don’t let her push herself too far. Sacrifice your body if you must, but don’t let her overexert herself.”
The incubus chuckled. “I’ll take care of her. Try not to goad my sister into trying to kill you.”
“But why not? It’s so much fun. She’s wearing her spots and her wings today, and she’s very pretty.”
Jonas sighed. “Darlene, is he not feeding you properly?”
“He’s feeding me properly! I just last all of a few hours before I’m hungry again. It’s his fault. It’s that chest, and he keeps hiding his nipples from me. I’m hungry, and if he wasn’t wearing one of his best suits today, I’d probably last until tonight, but he’s prancing around in one of his best suits.”
“And on that nice note, I’m hanging up now. Have a good day.” I pressed the button to disconnect the call. “Heaven help me, but your family is insane, Jonas.”
“Heaven can’t help you now. No one can. I recommend you embrace the insanity with full enthusiasm. It helps on the bad days.”
I checked the address four times, but it led to the same place: a Lamborghini dealership. Jonas parked the rental in the lot, and he checked another four times, confirming we’d arrived at our destination.
Then, as an additional confirmation shit had hit the fan and the Devil held responsibility, a sleek sports car waited in the front of the building. It had a white bow, which contrasted nicely with its forest green paint and chrome trim. Had I seen the vehicle on the road, I would have been staring until it was out of sight, drooling all the while.
“Jonas, that car has a bow on it.”
“Lucifer does like asking dealerships to put bows on the presents, to make sure the recipient understands they have been given a great gift from His Sulfurous Majesty. Just be grateful he didn’t ask for the whole thing to be wrapped. He gets ideas.”
“But it’s a Lamborghini, Jonas.”
“Yeah, that’s a little over the top, even for him. He usually goes for things like the Civic—practical and in his target’s comfort zone. Lucifer had to ease Kanika into things, and she’s still not all that good at handling gifts. Malcolm? He prefers receiving his gifts in key format. He wants to be handed the keys, and he wants to go look for his new toy. Lucifer will protect the car, hide it somewhere, give Malcolm some clues, and set him loose. Malcolm has a great time, Kanika has a great time because she goes with him, and everybody is happy. Lucifer goes top end for cars for Malcolm because he’s an enthusiast. I have no idea why we’re here. Are you an enthusiast?”
I got out of the SUV and spent a shameful amount of time staring at the car with the bow on it. “I think I am now?”
Chuckling, the incubus nodded. “Honestly, I’d convert shortly after seeing that baby, too. Maybe he’s getting ahead of himself and assumes it’s a present for both of us. You’d let your bed buddy drive your car, right?”
“I’d put my bed buddy on the co-owner papers for that car, especially when the bed buddy is an incubus guaranteed to be a considerate lover who shows me a good time. We will have to make arrangements for who gets custody of the car at what times, however.”
“Honestly, I can teleport. If you need the car, you get the car. I’ll just take it on a spin when you don’t need it. I’m good enough at teleporting now I could probably take the car with me, but I’d want to practice on some scrap heaps first. Consider me motivated.”
“Wait, are you saying you could teleport us and the car somewhere to explore?”
“Yes, that’s what I’m saying.”
I leaned over so I could stare at him before admiring the car, and I struggled to decide which was better: the bed buddy, the fact the bed buddy could teleport my new car, or my new car. “How are you not married yet?”
“I lie, steal, play pranks when bored, and otherwise do a good job of being a rather miserable excuse of a being. I’m just showing you my good side as part of my application to be your bed buddy.”
“View showing me your good side as an ongoing part of the bed buddy hiring arrangement. Right now, we have a functional bed buddy arrangement underway. Really, I don’t give a shit if you decide to lie to others, but keep the lying you do to me to the white lies, like you don’t think a bra looks good on me. I don’t mind being pranked, but don’t make the pranks humiliating. If you steal my wallet, give me clues on how to find it, and I’ll be all right with it unless I need my driver’s license.”
“How about I just promise to remove your driver’s license from the wallet? You’re on your own for the rest.”
I nodded. “I can cope with that. I don’t like being humiliated, especially in public. I’ll keep a spare credit card somewhere if you steal my wallet. That said, I do not view my panties and bras being hung from a chandelier as humiliating, as I don’t think there’s anything humiliating about being a woman. Do some research before you prank, and you’ll be fine.”
“But will you participate in the pranking?” Jonas asked in an amused tone.
“Let me see if that green baby is my new car, and I’ll get back to you on that.”
Jonas headed for the dealership’s front doors, and he whistled a merry tune. I followed, careful to watch my steps, as I doubted I’d heal all that well if I tripped and took a fall. Breaking something being stupid would not help my day—and could the Lamborghini even fit a cast?
“For the record, I’m never going to lie about what I think is sexy, because if I don’t like the bra, I pay for this in being exposed to the bra I do not like later, and I’m selfish.” Jonas circled the Lamborghini twice, cooing to the vehicle before coming to a halt and pouting at me. “Lucifer’s tricky.”
Pouting was a good look on the incubus. “What makes him tricky?”
“That car is temptation, and he got the car for you, so the only way I have access to the car is if I stay your bed buddy. Since you’ve made it clear you view me as someone to warm your bed and I can bugger off otherwise, he’s trying to work me over at the same time he’s flinging presents your way so you’re more likely to want to put up with him. Lucifer is tricky.”
I considered him, and then I eyed the Lamborghini with interest. “That scheme isn’t just tricky. It’s ruthless. You like cars that much?”
“I like cars so much I pissed off a mafia group and got transformed into a chipmunk as a result. That’s what brought my sister to hell. She wanted to become the fucking queen of the place so she could get me transformed into a humanoid form. Basically, I was the catalyst for one hell of a catastrophe.”
“I would like a bedtime story about how your sister became Lucifer’s queen and how you were the catalyst of this catastrophe. I’d also like details on this whole chipmunk thing.”
“I was poisoned with transformatives of the permanent variety. My sister found out Lucifer was the only one who could give me a human-like shape, so she opted to storm the gates of hell. She took two archangels with her. Lucifer fell head over heels in about ten seconds.”
“Well, your sister is pretty beautiful.”
“Sandra, she had him licking out of her hand within minutes.”
“So?”
“She’s my sister.”
I rolled my eyes. “And she’s been married to Lucifer for how long now?”
“I try my best not to think about that,” he admitted.
“You have issues, Jonas.”
“I really do, and one of those issues is that Lucifer goes out of his way to make me as uncomfortable as possible.”
I blinked, frowning at the incubus. “Why would you be uncomfortable?”
“He’s after my sister.”
No wonder Lucifer wanted him to have a permanent bed buddy. Jonas needed all the help he could get. The benefits of going with Lucifer’s plan made sense, especially when I took a long, hard look at the green car with a bow, which begged me to drive it. “Please tell me I can drive, Jonas. Please. I will cry in the parking lot if I can’t drive for a while.”
“No more than half an hour, and you promise to pull over if you start feeling unwell or you’re having problems with your vision,” he replied. “If you’re still feeling okay after half an hour, you may continue driving, but at the first sign of fatigue, it’s my turn to drive.”
“That’s more than fair. If this isn’t the car, I’m going to be crying in the parking lot. I won’t cry in the dealership itself, because I have pride.”
“We can cry together, because honestly, I’ll be crying, too.”
I nodded. “Then we are agreed. This car is worth crying for, and we will indulge in copious amounts of heartbreak if this bow is a lie. And then, because you can teleport, as soon as you think it’s safe for you to teleport me, we will indulge in copious amounts of heartbreak on the Devil’s doorstep, after which we will procure the necessary tools to start a fire.” On second thought, I needed to stop mentioning my urges to start fire when the Devil pissed me off.