by R. J. Blain
I laughed at the absurdity of his concern. “I want you hungry, Jonas.”
“Not that hungry you don’t—at least right now. By the time you’re ready and healthy enough for my attention, I’m sure I’ll start being tempted to show my wings off. I often resist showcasing my wings, though. My nature makes that a really bad idea. When a succubus sees an incubus showing his wings, she’ll get her pack together and go for a hunt and a good time. That lifestyle doesn’t work well for me. So, I spare us all the drama. I think Lucifer helps with that, honestly. I’m not sure how, but I’ve been around long enough to understand we start showing our wings involuntarily when we’re that hungry.”
“And you’re often that hungry.”
“Basically.”
“If I get eaten by a lion or a tiger, you lose your dinner, so you need to make sure I don’t get eaten by a lion or tiger.”
Jonas glanced at the cages surrounding us. “Or ocelots, cougars, exceptionally rare tigers and lions, and I’m pretty sure at least two of these animals are supposed to be extinct. Lucifer runs a conservatory in one of the sublayers, and he grabs as many critically endangered animals as he can, puts them into a habitat they’re comfortable with, and encourages them to breed. He then fiddles with the offspring to encourage genetic diversity and remove genetic faults that would bar survival. And in the case of there only being two left and inbreeding is required, he brings out the fucking assholes with genetics backgrounds and engineers the offspring so they can reproduce until he has a viable population again, then he starts new lines using the genetically diverse stock. And since he is who he is, he doesn’t mind encouraging inbreeding if it brings a species essentially back from the dead. In short, he’s using us for his animal rescue projects.”
I joined the incubus in regarding the poor animals. “Okay. So, we’re animal rescuers today. When my college said there was a client needing a legal intern, I was not expecting this. I got the client from hell, and he’s not even using me for my legal knowledge.”
“I’m sure you’ll get to put your legal schooling to work soon enough. But first, let’s help the cats, and then I’ll call and yell at Lucifer for a while. It makes sense why we’re here now, though.”
“You mean it’s not to get eaten by lions and tigers?”
“No, it was probably to find those corpses upstairs, to potentially identify the workers the lions and tigers ate, and get these animals out of here before authorities come and destroy them. Lucifer will negotiate for the man-eaters, and he’ll claim custody of them. More accurately, he’ll just take these and tell the authorities he loves cats, and if he were to leave an unhealthy cat alone, his wife would shred his skin from his flesh and she wouldn’t make him like it, and that makes him surly. Nobody wants Lucifer to be surly.” Jonas got to his feet without dumping me on the ground, lifted me up, and set me down, waiting until I could stand without help. He made a thoughtful noise, and he pointed at a corner. “There are also small wild animals in the corner. Otters, looks like a mongoose or something, and there is no amount of money available to convince me to fuck around with the honey badgers.”
Despite the severity of the situation, I giggled at the thought of the incubus having a healthy fear of honey badgers. Sure enough, there were six or seven cages with the surly animals in it, and like the other occupants, they looked gaunt and on the verge of death. “I don’t know how any of these poor animals are still alive.”
“The lycanthropy virus, same way you’re still alive. Somebody found a way to infect animals with lycanthropy, but while it helps with their survivability, the virus doesn’t do much more beyond have a host to infect more humans.”
Crap. “And that’s why we’re here, too. You can’t realistically become infected. I’m already infected.”
“That’s right. Well, mostly right. You will do your best to infect me, and if you’re anything like any other equine Lucifer has ever had any influence over, you’re going to launch a very exhaustive campaign to make certain I’m capable of becoming the same species of equine for your enjoyment. There’s only one equine right now who doesn’t have a same-species partner, and that’s Malcolm. He does not mind, because he adores his sphinx and wouldn’t ask for anything else, and once he catches her in the water, they’ll throw fillies left and right until Kanika gets tired of her father’s meddling ways and demands a colt. Honestly, I already told her I’d make sure Malcolm gave her a colt when she wants one. I might be murdered once Lucifer finds out, but it’s a big deal for them. They have one significant stumbling block right now, and that’s Kanika’s general fear of the water. Malcolm’s only fertile in the water.”
While the Devil’s little cupcake of a daughter could drive me to the brink of madness, I sympathized with her plight. “That would be one hell of a prank. You can circumvent Malcolm’s fertility, can’t you?”
“I can, but I won’t—he asked me not to. He wants her to trust him in all ways, so that means he has to lure her into the water for some shoreline shenanigans all on his own. He’s making progress. He got her in to her waist once, but then a rogue wave knocked her over and she bolted back to dry land.”
To make my life easier, I drew a symbol for light in the dust, and to activate it, I blew on it until the room glowed in a gentle radiance. I approached the cages with the smaller animals, peering inside. Most of the animals paid me little notice, too exhausted to do anything other than breathe. I decided to try one of the otters first, as they seemed least likely to inflict significant damage to me. I cracked open the cage, reached inside, and waited to see what the otter would do.
It stared, but it otherwise remained still and quiet.
I eased my hand under its frail body, pulled it out of the cage, and cradled it against my chest, cooing to it. “Do you know what type of otter this is?”
“Asian small claw. That’s a pretty common type of otter.” Jonas checked the other cages and listed species, pointing at a pair sharing a cage. “Those are Japanese river otters, and they’re supposed to be extinct.” Crouching down, the incubus counted cages. “They have twenty-six pairs of them. Lucifer is going to be beyond delighted with this. He likes otters, and he’s had a habitat for these guys set up for years, but he’s never been able to get any—not a single one. To get twenty-six breeding pairs? It’s going to be like Christmas for him.”
“Do you think he knows these assholes have had them?”
“No. If he thought there were extinct species here, he would have attended to this place personally.”
I pet the otter I held, which made a whining noise and cuddled close. “They couldn’t have been treated too badly before the lions and tigers got them. Look at this baby.”
“Yes, that is a baby. Not quite sexually mature yet, and yes, I don’t smell any fear from her. She’s a female.” Jonas eyed the other Asian small clawed otters and pointed at another cage. “That male is not far from her age, they are not related, and I sense the markers of being compatible with her. They’d make a good breeding pair. You can have an otter habitat in your home if you want. They can be quite affectionate, and these won’t be able be able to be released in the wild because of the lycanthropy infection, unless we figure out a way to purge them of the virus. We don’t know if it can be done yet.”
“But infected animals are better than dead animals, even if they can’t be released back into the wild, right?”
“Exactly. Hold onto that little lady, and I’ll see what we’ve got she can eat.” Jonas hurried to the freezers on the other side of the room, which could hold enough to feed an entire army. After checking several, he began digging around, pulling out plastic bags loaded with fish. “And they’re even listed by species. These animals must have been a long-term project, either that or the workers weren’t utterly abusive twats. The freezers even have detailed feeding instructions by species. I’ll be taking photos of that, and we’ll see what we can do to improve their diet once they’re safe in the conservatory.”
“How do you know so much about these animals?” I asked, and I pet the poor little otter hoping my attention would comfort her. “You’re an incubus, not a vet.”
“Ah, but I’m an incubus who helps with the conservatory to keep my sister from losing her shit. The otters I knew more because of Lucifer’s obsession with that part of the conservatory. The otter habitats aren’t far from his horse habitats, and he can’t resist the otterly charming residents.”
I twitched. “You’ve been waiting to use that for years, haven’t you?”
“It was really hard picking which one to use on you. They’re otterly irresistible puns. There’s just so many good ones.”
If I thought heaven would help me, I’d ask, but I suspected He would laugh and find a way to make the situation worse. “I’m not sure I’m ever going to recover from your verbal slaughtering of my person, Jonas.”
The incubus leered at me. “I’m sure I’ll be able to come up with an otterly wonderful therapy plan for you.”
“What did I do to deserve this?” I complained.
“I’ll start with your decision to torch one of my sister’s houses.”
When he phrased it that way, he had every justification to take me out through the clever use of words twisted to inflict maximum anguish. “Yeah, I guess any of his houses are hers, too, aren’t they?”
“Basically. Unfortunately for you, she has almost as big of a crush on the arsonist as Lucifer does, so I’m going to enjoy blackmailing you to keep quiet over my knowledge of your misdeeds.”
“Burn down one house,” I muttered. “Make with the thawing magic so I can feed this little sweety,” I ordered.
Still chuckling at me, he did as told, and he brought the bag of thawed fish over. “The directions say to give the young ones five of these, and the adults get ten. Give them however many they’ll eat. Just watch for them slowing down and give them some time between each fish so they have a chance to digest. In the meantime, I’ll see what I can do about the lions and tigers without them escaping and trying to eat us.”
“If you get eaten by some damned cat, I’m going to be pretty upset with you, Jonas. If you get bitten or clawed, I’m going to be pretty upset, too. Being bitten or clawed will interfere with bed buddy time.”
“I’m sure I’ll be fine.”
“Those are famous last words, Jonas, and the rule about famous last words is that the wise should never say them.”
“Should they prove to be famous last words, you can punish me however you see fit.”
I scowled at the incubus. “Doesn’t that mean you’ll just get bitten or clawed just so you’ll get punished? You’re an incubus, and I’ve been warned you’re a particularly needy one.”
“A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do,” he replied before returning to the freezer to help feed the distressed animals. “If your rewards are better than your punishments, I’ll work to avoid being punished. That’s how this works.”
“You’re something else, Jonas.”
“I know,” he replied with a laugh.
I fed the animals, and I used every practitioner trick I knew to clean them and their cages. Upon locating a large sink tucked in a corner with clean, running water, I went to work making sure everybody had water to go with their food, too. The work exhausted me, and even Jonas appeared worn from his efforts to keep the lions and tigers contained and placated with meat.
We emptied every working freezer, and the little to spare went to the loose predators.
“Why didn’t we call Lucifer and ask for a miracle?” I checked the time on my phone to discover we’d missed lunch and dinner. “How am I not passed out or starving to death?”
“Adrenaline,” the incubus replied, and he checked his phone, too. “We didn’t call Lucifer because if Lucifer had seen the state of these animals before we’d fed them, I don’t know the block would have survived. He would have called Diana, and she would have gone on a rampage. She’s a literal nightmare, and she’d destroy everything in her wake. We need the bodies upstairs to identify them. If Diana came here before we’d gotten the animals fed and cared for, we’d have no bodies left to work with.”
“Is she a spicy pony with bite?”
“She’s definitely a spicy pony, but she doesn’t usually bite. She’s more of the breathe fire and ask questions of the ashes type. She saves the biting for Darian.”
Returning to the otter cages, I opened the door for the little girl I’d first picked up, and she squeaked at me, sniffing my hand before trying her best to climb up my arm. Neglect had left her weak, but she seemed alert enough, and I scooped her up and cuddled with her before putting her on my shoulder. She made herself comfortable, content to hold on for the ride. “Do you think I can keep her, Jonas?”
“Yep, you’re going to fit in just fine. You’ll have to keep her boyfriend, too, but I don’t see why not. I’ll just tell Lucifer you have been charmed. It was an otter defeat on your part.”
The rude punster would pay for his verbal assaults of my person, no matter how right he was. “She needs the best habitat.”
Jonas chuckled and tapped at the screen of his phone before holding it to his ear and waiting. “Lucifer, I’m pleased to inform you that we have located a collection of formerly extinct animals in this specific lab. We’ve fed and watered them, and Sandra took care of cleaning their cages, but we’ll need to relocate a bunch of them before law enforcement comes. Sandra has decided she has adopted a young Asian small clawed otter and her boyfriend. You’ll want to have Diana abuse her holy fire with your new mischievous romp of Japanese river otters. Their health is currently questionable. There’s a room full of loose tigers and lions, and they’re undeniably man-eaters, so you’ll have to escort them straight to hell to take up residence in a secure sub-layer. They know we’re tasty, and it’s just a bad combination. The cubs know we’re tasty, too. You’ll need to deal with law enforcement, get the tigers, lions, and cubs out, and then leave the bones for investigation purposes. There’s a body on the floor in the kitchen, and the freezer upstairs has the heads of five vics in it. Sandra’s handling things fine, but she’s going to be hungry. We’re going to abuse you and request clean clothes and dinner. It’s been a day.”
No fucking kidding. I needed to inform Jonas he deserved an understatement of the year award.
“Yes, she likes Lucille. Yes, she named her car Lucille. Yes, she’s driven it, and I’ll consider myself lucky every time she lets me have a turn. Also, while she can drive with her vision as it is, it involved a lot of squinting, so you need to provide new glasses for her.”
Damn. He’d noticed. “I would have pulled over if I thought I wasn’t safe to drive.”
“I know. That’s why I didn’t say anything. You were driving just fine. You were just squinting, and you’ll give yourself a migraine doing that.” Jonas sighed. “Sorry, Lucifer. Two conversations at once, and unlike you, I’m not a telepath who can hold ten conversations at once. You’ll have to repeat yourself, because what she says is more important than what you say.”
Holy hell. A close encounter of the large predator kind must have cranked Jonas’s general courage into overdrive. “He’s going to kill you.”
Jonas leveled a stare in my direction. “He won’t kill me. You want me to be your bed buddy, and if he killed me, you’d be out a reliable bed buddy, and finding a reliable bed buddy is not an easy task. It would be far more work for him to work that miracle rather than leave me alive for your enjoyment.”
All he needed to do to convince me to strip was smirk. A single smirk, brimming with ridiculous confidence, would do me in. “He better not kill my bed buddy. You’re a unicorn among men, and I have plans to bridle you.”
“I’m not an actual unicorn. I’m far tamer compared to the unicorns.”
While faint, I could hear Lucifer laughing at us.
“He must be busting your poor eardrums with that maniacal cackling, loud enough I can hear him from here.”
/> With a shake of his head, Jonas replied, “Your virus is probably bonding with the essence of spicy pony with bite. He’s not being that loud. You’re just having an easier time hearing him. You’ll get used to that. Phone calls aren’t private anymore unless you go to a room by yourself, and if you really want it to be private, you better use a soundproofed room—and do something to block the annoying telepaths from listening in on your thoughts.”
“Okay. You better tell him we’re going to need a lot of carriers for these animals. These cages are all bracketed together. I don’t think they’re designed to be separated,” I replied.
Jonas did as I asked, and he hung up. “He’ll be here within twenty minutes. He’ll have to coordinate with the CDC, get cages, and so on. I expect he’ll recruit demons and devils with teleportation to take cages to the fucking assholes, who best be careful with Lucifer’s new animals. Some of the fucking assholes will be rewarded for good behavior. None of the animal abusers will be part of this, although I expect the abusers will get to work with the man-eaters. The man-eaters aren’t going to change their stripes, and as long as the next generation isn’t taught to hunt humans, they can be released into the wild later. We’ll end up using live prey to feed the man-eaters within a year.”