All the While (Senior Semester #3)

by Gina Azzi

  After a few minutes, her tears gradually subside. She takes a deep breath and looks up at me, her blue eyes deep with too many emotions to read. “Planned Parenthood called this morning while you were at the regatta. They got my blood results and I’m not pregnant.” Lauren holds up her cell phone. “About fifteen minutes ago, I finally got my period.” Tears well up in her eyes again as she falls back into my arms.

  Holy shit. She’s not pregnant? I’m not going to be a father. Thank God. This is the best news I’ve heard all week. Why the hell is Lauren crying?

  “Laur? Why are you so upset? This is good right? I mean, we’re too young to be parents. We’re not even in a relationship. Becoming parents at our age is difficult no matter what but trying to balance careers and learning how to co-parent would be tough. You want to go to med school next year,” I remind her.

  She looks up at me, her cheeks blotchy from crying. “I just thought, I don’t know. That if we were having a baby we would get back together, you know? I miss you, Zack. I’ve missed you since we first broke up. I tried to be there for you after Adrian died and you just pushed me farther away. I tried to bide my time, to wait for you to come around. And then just when I think we’re getting back to a good place, you tell me you don’t want to do a relationship. That you don’t want to be with anyone.” Her eyes widen with incredulity. “And then I find out that you’re always with Maura Rodriguez. Are you kidding me? You’re going to date her and not me?”

  Is she fucking serious?

  I knew something was off. I knew she couldn’t really be pregnant. Did she plan this? Try to manipulate me in getting back together with her by pretending we were going to have a baby? Anger courses through my veins, mixing with my pent-up frustration and overwhelming relief.

  Before I can stop myself I shout, “What the fuck Lauren? You tried to use a baby to manipulate me to get back together with you? A baby, Lauren!” The edges of my eyesight flicker black. I pinch the bridge of my nose and inhale a deep breath, trying to calm down. I haven’t been this angry since, well, never.

  Lauren stares at me, her eyes cold, detached, completely indifferent to my anger. What the hell is wrong with her? I’m about to press her further when she finally speaks. And my blood turns cold.

  “I know that you were responsible for Adrian’s death.” Her voice is quiet but her eyes never leave mine, tear tracks drying on her cheeks. “I could never think that of you, think anything negative about you, but Marissa told me the truth. She told me that Marcus suspected Adrian was using your painkiller prescription when he overdosed.” Lauren looks up at me through her wet lashes, feigning concern as she unveils her threat. “She told me that you knew. You knew all along and never said anything, never tried to help him.” She blinks once, twice, allowing her words to penetrate the disbelief written all over my face.

  The coldness in her eyes warms suddenly with anger, her face morphing from beautiful to ugly in an instant. “I’ll tell her, Zack. If you make Maura your girlfriend, I’ll tell her the truth. And she’ll hate you for it. Then you’ll be all alone, just like I am.” A ghost of a smile crosses her lips as her eyes bore into mine, void of the tears she shed just moments earlier.

  Jesus, Lauren is fucking crazy. How did everyone see this but me? How did I not know that the sweet and gentle girl I once thought I was going to marry could harbor such hate and jealousy?

  “Lauren.” I squeeze her hand gently and try not to let it show that her words affect me or cause a surge of panic to flood my chest and anger to pound through my veins. “You need help. Trying to manipulate me by pretending you’re pregnant is a callous, insensitive, sick thing to do to someone. Lashing out and trying to hurt Maura because of your own jealousy and insecurities is crazy. You and I will never get back together.” I shake my head, a laugh erupting from my lungs. It sounds more like a pig dying. “Thank you for just tainting all the good memories I had of us together and reminding me why we have no future together. Take care of yourself,” I add, my fists clenched in a rage I refuse to let her see. Then she’ll know her words affect me, and I know she’s hoping, even praying, for a reaction. Anything to try and control the situation, control my life.

  But I’m done. I’ve been blind to this side of Lauren for too long. I won’t let her threaten me, manipulate me, use me any longer. And I definitely won’t let her anywhere near Maura, because the truth would ruin her, and I’ve already don’t that once.

  Getting to my feet slowly, I shake my head sadly at Lauren who sits before me, eerily quiet and dejected. Then I turn toward the door and leave her house for the last time.

  * * *

  Maura’s already sitting in a corner booth when I arrive. Her hair is swept back in a high ponytail, random pieces escaping, framing her face. She quickly tucks the errant strands behind her ear. She sits with her legs crossed, her right foot beating the air noiselessly. She’s wearing jeans, a worn pair of boots, and a long-sleeved gray thermal. She looks up as I approach and rewards me with a blinding smile. Maura Rodriguez is beautiful.

  “Hey.” I slide across from her in the booth.

  “Hey yourself. You come here often?” She gestures to the entrance of the diner.

  I nod.

  “It’s a cool spot. I’ve never been here before.” Her eyes wander along the walls, decorated with Philly sports teams jerseys and memorabilia. “The signed college Jayden Kelsh jersey is dope.” She references an old LaFarge player who now plays in the NBA.

  “Yeah. It’s a sweet spot. Food’s pretty good too.”

  “Looks it.” She eyes the plates of the diners sitting across from us. “I’m getting an egg white Spanish omelet and chocolate milk.” She snaps her menu closed. “You?”

  “Eggs benedict. I always get the same thing.” I stack my menu on top of hers. I’ve never opened it since my first breakfast here with Adrian three years ago. I always order Eggs Benedict. He liked the Spanish omelet. Just like Maura.

  “Congrats on the win yesterday.” Maura smiles, leaning back into the red vinyl of the booth.

  I chuckle but it’s dry. I forgot all about our first-place win at yesterday’s regatta. I was too concerned about Lauren. And then I was too freaking angry. Today, I’m just relieved that it’s Sunday and I get to see Maura. “Thanks.” I nod instead of saying anything. “You girls did really well too.”

  “Thanks. We were okay. Definitely need to improve our start. How’s practice been?” she asks, rolling the pepper shaker between her palms.

  I raise my eyebrows at her. “You’re chatty today. You must have really missed hanging with me, huh?”

  She rolls her eyes. “Don’t get a big head. My friends are all gone for the semester so it’s nice to see a familiar face.”

  “Mmm hmm. Practice is okay. We need to make a few changes after yesterday’s regatta too. We’re lucky we pulled off first. You guys did great despite your start. How’d it feel?”

  She nods. “Yeah, same. It felt okay but our time isn’t nearly as good as it should be. Our captain is driving me crazy with all her new ideas for winter training. Like who the hell wants to do Erg golf?”

  I laugh, signaling the waitress. “Erg golf sucks.” Erg golf is a workout on the rowing machines where each “hole” is a short workout that is assigned a certain par. Each member of the team has to complete the eighteen workouts, and then their time is recorded and tallied to declare a winner. It’s an intense workout and while it’s meant to be fun, it borders along the lines of torture depending on the intensity of the workout. I have a feeling Maura’s captain will put the girls through hell.

  “Hey, guys. What can I get you this morning?” Our waitress, a college student, smiles at us, her pen poised about her pad.

  “I’ll have an egg white Spanish omelet please. And a chocolate milk. Large.” Maura orders, handing her our menus.

  “And for you?” She turns toward me as she jots down Maura’s order.

  “Eggs benedict please.”

  “And to
drink?”

  “Coffee.”

  “You got it.” She takes the menus from Maura and turns back to the kitchen.

  “Classes going well?” I ask Maura as we wait for our drinks.

  She nods. “Yeah. I have a lot of electives this semester so it’s not too bad. I really like my Photography class, which is unexpected, although I’m struggling a bit with the final assignment. You?”

  I sigh, rubbing my eyes with the backs of my knuckles. “Fucking drowning,” I admit. “My senior thesis proposal got rejected, so I had to submit a new topic on Tuesday. I’m hoping this one gets approved. I definitely took on too heavy of a course load this semester with rowing. Probably shouldn’t have tangled back up with Lauren in September either; that’s turning out to have a ripple effect I’d rather avoid.”

  Maura raises her eyebrows. “I thought you guys were just friends?”

  I shake my head. “We are. Were,” I clarify. “Fuck. I feel like such a dick talking about her. She’s always seemed like such a great girl, you know, sweet and kind and just good.”

  Maura nods. “Adrian always said so.”

  “Yeah, well, we broke up for a reason, and I should have remembered that at the beginning of the year. Now it’s like I don’t even know who she is anymore, and she keeps coming around trying to manipulate me into a relationship.” I shake my head. “She’s just not in a good place.” I clamp down on my tongue. Despite everything Lauren’s done recently, I still don’t want to talk shit about her, especially not to Maura.

  “And, let me guess, you want to talk about it but can’t, because you don’t want to talk about her?” Maura asks, seeing straight through my bullshit.

  I nod. “Thanks,” I say to our waitress as she places a steaming mug of coffee next to my right hand. I tap the table with my fingers. “Enough about Lauren. What have you been up to?”

  She sighs, taking a long sip of her chocolate milk. A weird expression crosses her face, and she takes a few deep breaths before turning her gaze to me again. “Actually, things have been pretty great lately. After Halloween…” she smiles at the memory “…things between me and the girls on the team seem like they’re back to normal. Even with Kay.”

  “That’s great,” I tell her, genuinely happy she’s getting back to her old self. I place a hand tentatively on top of hers. “If things are getting back to normal with the girls, you’ll feel a difference in your boat.”

  She nods, flipping her palm underneath mine so we’re practically holding hands. Her skin is warm and smooth, and I wonder briefly if the rest of her body would feel as soft.

  “It already does. We’re more in sync, shaving our time down right from the start.”

  I nod. People never seem to realize that rowing is a team sport. It’s not a contact sport like football or basketball but it requires one hundred percent commitment and dedication from every member in the boat in order to win. That means not only does everyone have to be perfectly in sync with their catch and their stroke and overall timing, but everyone has to be in the same place mentally. And it’s hard to achieve that harmony when there’s a conflict among the members.

  I squeeze her hand lightly and don’t let go. “You guys will be a contender at Dad Vail for sure.”

  She smiles. “I hope so. That’s the plan.” She lets her eyes linger on our joined hands for a moment. “You know, Zack, you’re the only one who really gets it.”

  I furrow my eyebrows at her, silently begging her to continue.

  “I need us to win Dad Vail. For him. This was Adrian’s dream. Rowing was always his thing, and I sort of fell into it as a way to be closer to him. I always wanted to do whatever he was doing and it never seemed to bother him. Not like the way other brothers and sisters complained and grumbled when their sister followed them around everywhere.” She shakes her head. “At the beginning of the year, I hated it. Rowing I mean. I hated that it was the one thing that still made me feel connected to Aid. It’s like the one thing I really enjoyed was now tainted, ruined by memories of him. But lately it’s the opposite. I can go out on the river now, meet up with the girls in the Erg room, walk along Boathouse Row, and remember all the good times, be thankful that Aid and I got to share our passion for the same sport. He was crazy about wanting to win Dad Vail. Sometimes I think that’s the reason he was taking all the painkillers anyway. He wanted to win, and he would never admit that something was wrong, that maybe he shouldn’t have been rowing at all. So now I feel like I have to win for him. And I think you’re the only other person who feels the same way.” She looks at me and some of the vulnerability that shone in her eyes on Halloween is back but for an entirely different reason.

  “You’re right,” I tell her. “I feel the same way. Like I already let him down and this is still something I can do for him, win for him.” I shake my head.

  She laughs lightly. “You didn’t let him down, Zack. You couldn’t have stopped him from taking those pills. I mean, it’s not like you gave them to him or anything.”

  I cringe at her words. If only she knew the truth, she would never look at me with such trust ever again. I’m grateful that our food arrives at that moment, and we both turn our attention to our breakfast dishes, her remark about Adrian and pills momentarily forgotten.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Maura

  Zack’s confession that he essentially wishes he never started things up with Lauren again at the beginning of the year shocks me like a bucket of ice poured down the back of my shirt. Adrian thought that was the best prank when we were little. It’s not. Drawing on his face with a Sharpie was. I always won.

  Anyway, Zack surprises me for two reasons. I never expected him to confide in me about anything. I always remind myself that our little get-togethers are opportunities for us to reminisce about Adrian with someone else who wants to hear about him. I mean, I can’t let my mind run wild with the possibility that Zack could actually be interested in me. Because then I’ll just be disappointed when he reminds me that I’m his best friend’s sister and I’m off limits. I’ve always been off limits to all of Adrian’s friends. Ever since we were fourteen; why would anything be different now? If a girl like Lauren can’t hold onto Zack, what the hell kind of hope do I have with someone even half as decent? Zilch, that’s what.

  I’m glad he opened up to me, though. It’s nice to know that he trusts me at least. For a moment, particularly when I thought the taste of chocolate milk was going to cause me to throw up right on the pepper shaker, I considered telling him that I’m pregnant. It’s strange really; I haven’t told Mia, Emma, or Lila. I definitely haven’t sought out the advice of my parents. But something about Zack makes me feel like I can trust him too. Like if he knows the truth, he won’t be disappointed in me. He would help me sort the whole situation out.

  But first, I’m going to Planned Parenthood to make sure everything is okay. No use breaking my mom’s heart until I have a better understanding of what’s happening and a definite plan for how I’m going to handle everything going forward.

  The only thing I know for sure is no one and nothing can stand between me and my little love. I’m keeping my baby despite what anyone, even my parents, thinks I should do.

  * * *

  The first pang wakes me in the middle of the night. It’s sharp, like a stab to my ribs. I gasp, sitting up in bed, clutching a pillow to my abdomen. Between my legs feels wet and sticky and without even looking, I know. And it’s the worst kind of knowing in the entire world. Because while a flicker of relief blooms in my chest, a wave of loss so powerful slams into me. I flick on my bedside lamp and throw back my comforter. Thick, red smears of blood hug my inner thighs and streak my sheets.

  My baby.

  I’m losing my baby.

  My abdomen aches with cramps. Pangs of loss haunt my womb and fill me with an emptiness that is crippling. I can’t cry. I can’t think. I can’t breathe. Waves and waves of hurt shudder through my chest. My legs start to shake. What do I do? I h
ave to get cleaned up. I must change the sheets. I have to do something! Anything.

  Instead, I watch as the blood patch on my sheets grows bigger. Then I pick up the phone and dial the only person who I know will come.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Zack

  The ringing of my phone is startling as it cuts through the quiet of the night. I grope around my end table until my fingers collide with it. Glancing briefly at the caller ID, I answer immediately.

  “Maura?” I ask confused. “You okay?” I say into the receiver.

  “Zack?” Her voice cracks and its jarring, like sea glass shattering on ice.

  “Maura, it’s me. Is everything okay?” I sit straight up in bed, instantly awake, mentally assessing where my jacket and sweats are in case she needs me.

  “Maura?”

  Heavy breathing fills the receiver. She’s trying not to cry.

  “I need you to come to my dorm,” she says finally. “Please.”

  “Okay,” I agree slowly. “Are you okay?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Why don’t you tell me what happened?” I struggle to keep my voice soft and calm, fearful of Maura’s reactions. She sounds so scared, so timid, so unlike herself.

  “I need you to come here, Zack. And not tell anyone about this, okay? Please, please come. I need help.” Her voice breaks again.

  “Okay. I’ll be right there. Stay where you are.” I hang up and quickly stand, pulling on a pair of sweats I discarded on the floor next to my bed. I step into a pair of Jordans and pull on a hoodie. Tugging my jacket off the back of my desk chair, I slip into it. Grabbing my car keys from the corner of my desk, I close my bedroom door, then I practically throw myself over the banister to get out of the house and to Maura’s side.

  * * *

  The only lucky thing that seems to happen between my house and Maura’s dorm is that a guy in her building is swiping in just as I’m walking up the pathway. Running to catch the door, I stroll in casually after him, hoping security doesn’t notice and ask me for ID. The guard never even looks up.