Hurt

by Rachel Van Dyken

  Luca is a proud man. For me to simply offer you would seem… cheap. He’d break me in half, and that’s the truth. A war is brewing between the families. I sense it. He senses it. And because of that, we must once again walk through the darkness. Now, more than ever, you will need him, just as I will need him. I asked him a favor, and must admit I made it look like he owed me one in return. He had me in a vice-like grip.

  I allowed it. Because it was the type of situation I knew he could and would ask for anything. And I prayed to God he would, Joyce. Oh, how I prayed.

  He asked for you.

  I removed your ring for that very purpose. You are loyal, Joyce. It is one of the many things I love about you. You would be loyal to me until your last breath, but the truth is that I could not live with myself if you were.

  Know, I would forgive you anything. Because, as I sit here writing this, I realize I don’t deserve you. I never did. Hell, I won’t even admit that Luca deserves you. But it’s been by my own hand, the one that covered yours while we said our vows, that I have both built and destroyed an empire. I held love within the palm of my right hand and allowed my left hand to crush it.

  It has been me and me alone who pretended to sleep when you thought your soft cries were muffled by the pillow. And rather than let bitterness plant a seed in my soul as I listened to you call out to him in your sleep, I decided a choice had to be made. Turn a blind eye. Or smother you so much that I kill any tiny shred of love or compassion you may have for me.

  I love you. In the only way I know how. Be happy, Joyce.

  Luca will return you to the house in two weeks. Your ring will be waiting on the kitchen table. And I will pretend that, just like your ring, you’ve been sitting there waiting for me the entire time.

  —All my love, Frank

  “Joyce?” Luca called.

  I turned the page over.

  One word.

  BURN.

  Without another thought, I ran over to the fireplace and tossed the letter into the flames.

  It was ash by the time Luca made it into my room.

  “Everything alright?” he asked.

  “Yes.” I nodded, my gaze never leaving his. “It’s perfect.”

  His smile was easy. Gone was the hard man I’d been so used to seeing at meetings and dinners. I knew the smile was only for two weeks; then the necessary harshness would return.

  Maybe, Frank’s gift hadn’t been just for me, but for Luca as well. Ever since he’d taken over the Nicolasi family, he’d been a different man. Forced into a role that was unforgiving, brutal, hard.

  But in Wyoming, he was just Luca Alfero Nicolasi.

  A Sicilian who, on a whim, had bought a farm.

  “Why are you staring at me like that?” he asked, his smile widening.

  My knees almost knocked together in nervousness. He was so beautiful.

  “I’m just… excited,” I admitted truthfully. “For the first time in years, I’m excited.”

  He chuckled. “Me too, Joyce. Me too.” He did it again, said my name, but this time, I relished it because I knew the reason behind it. “Now, let’s see about getting us some dinner.”

  “Can you spare a cow?”

  He wrapped an arm around me. “I could, but I had something else in mind for our first evening.”

  “I can’t wait.”

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  The rest of the pages are numbered by date. I kept track of every day I was with that man and wrote down everything my mind would allow me to remember. I needed it written down so I’d know it had happened, that it hadn’t been a figment of some lovesick girl’s imagination or illness. It had happened. Sometimes, the things we experience are so life-altering, so soul-shattering, that we are compelled to write them down into words. Memories fade. Words, are forever. If you remember nothing, remember this. —Grandma Alfero

  Casper, Wyoming

  July 21, 1997

  Joyce

  “ARE YOU COLD?” LUCA POURED ME my second glass of my favorite cabernet then threw another log on the fire.

  I grinned, unable to help myself. My entire body felt lighter as if the weight I’d been carrying had suddenly been lifted off and disappeared into the black night sky.

  “What?” He tossed on another log and returned to the large black leather couch.

  “It doesn’t match.”

  “What doesn’t match?” Luca wrapped a muscled arm around me while I tucked my body into his.

  “This.” I spread my arms wide, careful not to spill my wine as I glanced around the expansive living room. The couches faced floor-to-ceiling windows that over looked nothing but field and a starry breathtaking sky. The fire roared to the right — it crackled and spit. Something about the flames was calming, which I needed, all things considering. “You... here... putting logs on a fire.”

  “I am slightly insulted that you don’t think I can keep a fire lit.” Luca let out a deep raspy chuckle.

  I felt his laugh vibrate through my skin. How it was possible? To feel someone’s joy by simply being next to them? I had no idea. But I did. I felt it. Every time I was with Luca, my body just automatically attuned to his.

  As if we’d been made together, separated, then brought back. As if we shared the same soul.

  “It’s not just the fire.” I drank deeply. “It’s the ranch house.” I turned to him, staring deep into his crystal eyes as they stared, transfixed on my mouth. “You know I would have spent two weeks with you anywhere, Luca. Ranch house or cheap apartment.”

  He was quiet for a few seconds then whispered, “I know, Joyce. I know.”

  “So why not just stay in Chicago? Stay in a hotel?” I hoped there was more to the story, that he wasn’t just trying to show me he was successful. The whispers of his achievements had reached far and wide. A person would have to be deaf not to hear the reverent way that the men spoke of Luca and the way their voices trembled when they did so.

  “You know why, Joyce,” he rasped, touching my face with his fingertips. “I bought it for you.”

  “The ranch?” I gasped. “But why?” Why would he do that? Did Frank know? Would he be upset?

  “You never had a home.” Luca cleared his throat, briefly breaking eye contact. “You weren’t close to your family. You’ve never felt like you belonged. Correct me if I’m wrong, but your happiest moments were in my arms. I can’t give you what you deserve, but I can give you a home, a safe place, a place that was built with your beauty in mind.” He chuckled. “Dark wood beams that match the honey-dark pieces of your silky hair…” He tilted his head. “… an open expanse of sky with stars twinkling down, stars that remind me of your eyes. And the air, every time I breathe it in, for one brief moment, I have peace. The same peace I experienced when you honored me by giving yourself to me.”

  Tears blurred my vision. I quickly looked away. “It’s unfair.”

  “Life usually is,” he answered softly.

  “I want to hate him.”

  “He did what he thought was best, Joyce. Living in the past will only steal the joy of the present. This time we are given… it is a gift. Let us enjoy what we have left.”

  I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. Luca knew me too well, knew every inflection in my voice; even the way I was sitting was probably giving him too much information about just how heavy my heart was and how close to the brink I was.

  I wanted him.

  Badly.

  Being near him but not constantly kissing him, touching him, running my hands over his hard muscled body. It was agony.

  Age had matured him in ways that I would have never expected. From the firm line of his jaw to the confident, arrogant way he carried himself, as if he knew he was better than everyone else in the room simply because he was Luca Nicolasi.

  “You seem very deep in thought.” Luca wrapped a muscled arm tighter around my midsection, tugging me into his heat. “You realize I brought you here to relax and have fun.”

  “Fun?” I repe
ated, my voice scratchy. “I’m not sure I know the meaning of the word.”

  “A shame.” Luca removed his arm and faced me on the couch. “A woman like you deserves fun, laughter, joy.”

  “Sometimes I read.” I gulped, embarrassed that I truly couldn’t remember the last time I’d had fun.

  “Well then...” Luca burst out laughing, his deep chuckle causing shivers to erupt all over my body. “… what the hell have I been doing all my life? Reading, you say? Must be some very naughty books, Joyce.”

  I felt my entire body flush. “No, um, they’re nonfiction.”

  “Oh?” His eyebrows shot up in complete disbelief. “Tell me about these nonfiction books.”

  Damn the man for seeing through my lie. “Presidents,” I blurted. “They’re biographies about the presidents.”

  “Ah…” Luca nodded. “… I can see why you’re positively elated at the prospect of reading about presidents. Tell me, do you only read about the affairs then skip the dry stuff?”

  My eyes narrowed. “I think I’m tired.”

  “Me too.” He didn’t miss a beat, just jumped to his feet and offered his hand. “Allow me to walk you to your room.”

  We walked side by side in tense silence.

  Once we made it to my door, Luca pulled me into his arms and kissed the top of my head. “Sleep well, Joyce.”

  He didn’t try to kiss me.

  He barely even hugged me.

  Disappointed, I didn’t even realize I’d been holding my breath until he shut his bedroom door behind him and left me alone staring at it like it was a great puzzle I couldn’t figure out.

  “Sleep well,” I whispered into the still air.

  How was it possible for him to sleep when we were so close, yet universes apart? We were in the same house.

  But it didn’t matter, we could have even been in the same bed, and I would still have felt the distance. Unless I was naked in his arms, I would feel distance.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  What you must understand is this. Love will always find a way. Love finds its way through war, tragedy, disease, and yes, even death. —Grandma Alfero

  Casper, Wyoming

  July 22, 1997

  “JOYCE!” LUCA YELLED THEN RAPPED ON my door. “Wake up!”

  Groaning, I flipped onto my back just in time to see my door pushed open and Luca, a giant of a man, walking into my room with a breakfast tray. “I made eggs.”

  He announced in such a way that I almost felt the need to applaud him or at least give him more than the forced smile I did. But I was exhausted! I hadn’t slept one wink. Dreams of Frank’s disappointed face haunted me.

  “Coffee black—” Luca fired off the contents of the tray. “—bacon from a pig that was butchered just last week. And I hope you still prefer strawberries with your oatmeal.”

  I nodded as our gazes met.

  His grin grew as he eyed me up and down. “I think I like you best this way.”

  “What way?” I frowned.

  Luca licked his lips and whispered, “Disheveled.”

  My hands immediately went to my hair. It had somehow slipped out from my ponytail holder and was in disarray, most likely sticking up in all the wrong places. I also hadn’t taken off my makeup last night, meaning I probably had mascara smudges down my cheeks and puffy eyes from the lack of sleep. I’m sure I looked like a real… winner.

  “Thanks,” I croaked, reaching for the black coffee.

  Luca pulled off his black shiny shoes and made his way around the bed and sat next to me. He pulled the tray up between us.

  “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “Eating.” He popped a piece of toast into his mouth and chewed. “Is that alright with you?”

  He didn’t give me time to answer, simply pulled the newspaper from its spot on the tray and started reading. Every few minutes he’d set it down, grab his coffee or a piece of fruit, then go about reading again.

  After ten minutes, in which I studied him from beneath my thick lashes, he pulled a pen from his pocket and frowned at the crossword puzzle.

  Finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore.

  “We’re in bed together,” I blurted.

  Luca paused and looked down at the bed then continued staring at the newspaper. “Very intuitive of you, Joyce.”

  “And you’re…” I rolled my eyes up to the ceiling. “… having breakfast with me. In bed.”

  “That is what it looks like, yes.” He sounded absolutely bored to tears.

  “Luca!”

  “Hmm?” Still he didn’t look up from his puzzle, but his lips curved into a small smile.

  “This isn’t normal!”

  “Isn’t it?”

  “No!” I fought for control. “A wife doesn’t just go on a two-week trip with her husband’s brother, vow not to touch one another, then have breakfast in bed together in the mornings like they’ve been doing it for the past ten years!”

  “That’s my wish.” Luca slowly lowered the paper. “Even with the arguing, mainly on your end, considering I’ve been trying to have a peaceful morning.” He eyed me skeptically while I glared back. “At night, I dreamt of this… of normal mornings when blood did not stain my hands. A morning where I woke up the love of my life with breakfast… and did the crossword puzzle while she ate.”

  “Do you normally do the crossword puzzle?” I had to ask.

  “Never.” He tossed it onto the tray. “And now I realize why reality is always better than dreams. If I woke up to you every morning, there would be no chance in hell I could concentrate on chewing my food, let alone a damn crossword puzzle. I’d be devouring you rather than the toast, and you’d end up a hell of a lot more disheveled than you look now.”

  I had a sudden vision of throwing the tray to the floor and jumping onto his lean muscular body.

  “Don’t,” he whispered. “Don’t look at me like that and expect me to behave. I only have so much control, and, as you’ve pointed out, we are in bed together.”

  “It wouldn’t matter,” I admitted. “Bedroom, living room, public restroom, hallway—” I laughed softly. “It would have never mattered with us, Luca. You know that. The electricity would always be there — the want, the temptation.”

  “Why do you think I’ve stayed away so long?” he admitted, his words thick, his accent more prominent. “To want another man’s wife… well… we do have a code, you know this.”

  “I know.”

  “So,” Luca pushed off the bed. “Why don’t you dress? It seems today we will be riding.”

  “Wh-what?” I gasped, holding the sheet up to cover myself, even though I wasn’t naked.

  Luca burst out laughing. “Horses, Joyce.” He shook his head. “Naughty little minx, aren’t you, doll?”

  I threw a pillow at his retreating form as his laughter echoed from my room and down the hall.

  True to his word, we rode horses all afternoon and shared a romantic picnic by a stream that ran through his property. At one point, two curious cows decided to see what all the fuss was about, and Luca threatened to toss me to one if I kept cowering behind him in fear.

  City girl, through and through. He’d laughed and then told me to name the cows.

  Sadly, the cows were my first pets.

  At nearly forty-one, I finally had pets, a house, and my very first picnic. It was almost as if life was going in reverse. Those are the things done in youth; instead, I’d been forced to grow up too fast and was now living life backward, or so it seemed.

  Luca didn’t touch me.

  He didn’t kiss me.

  And it was slowly destroying me.

  When we finally made it back to the house, I couldn’t take it anymore. “Why haven’t you kissed me again?”

  Luca paused mid-step then turned to face me, his face completely unreadable as he slowly said, “I mean to court you before I claim you.”

  And, with that, he walked off toward his room and closed the door softly behind him.


  I was a bundle of nerves the rest of the evening.

  And, like the night previous, he kissed me on the head, instructed me to sleep well, and left me a burning ball of desire outside his room.

  I’m laughing as I reread this. Oh that man, he knew what he was doing. He was good. So good. I sure hope you’ve met him by now, Trace. I hope he lives longer than all of us. The world needs people like Luca, and so do you. —Grandma Alfero

  CHAPTER NINE

  Trace

  CHASE STOPPED READING AND GLANCED UP at the rest of us. Everyone had gone still, silent, morose.

  “I miss him.” Mo was the first to admit.

  It hurt Phoenix the most; he was the one closest to Luca, the one who had the responsibility to carry on a legacy so renown that even other crime families were trying to infiltrate the Nicolasi empire.

  “He was…” Phoenix shook his head, his eyes burning holes through the floor. Refusing to look up, he continued, “… he was my hero.”

  I wiped my wet cheeks then got up from my spot on the couch, walked over to Phoenix, and pulled him in for a hug.

  He used to shy away from me.

  He used to shy away from everyone. But Bee was gaining leaps and bounds with Phoenix where physical contact was concerned.

  He hugged me back then kissed me on the cheek. “How lucky are you? Kick-ass grandpa and uncle.”

  That made everyone chuckle a bit as I shared a look with Phoenix and made my way back to my seat. “Okay, Chase. Keep going.”

  “Anyone else feel like Luca has the patience of a saint?” Tex piped up. “Had that been me—“