Hurt

by Rachel Van Dyken

  “I’m not sure I understand.”

  “Let’s just say that Khan asked far too many questions about you for him to only be mildly interested.” She took another sip of the black coffee.

  “Questions? About me?” I asked, warmth flooding through me only to be chased away by the chill of remembering what I’d done last night.

  “Yep. I think Jude and Sofia caught on pretty early. They started offering information rather than waiting to be asked. Khan was all too willing to listen to whatever they said.” She shook her head in amusement. “So tell me, is this a one-way street or not?”

  I was tempted to play dumb, but with a glance, knew she saw through me. “No.”

  “Ah.”

  She sipped her coffee thoughtfully, patiently, as if waiting for me to spill.

  It worked.

  “I just…” I tried to pull my thoughts together. “… I mean… I just…”

  “Love is never simple, sweetheart. There’s complications, obstacles, decisions that must be made, priorities that have to be established… but when it’s real love, you’ll find everything will fall into place because love puts the other ahead of itself. Love replaces fear with faith. It destroys indecision with loyalty, breaks through every barrier because it’s stronger, wiser, more courageous than anything else you’ll face, because from that point on, you face everything together.”

  I bit my lip and stared into my coffee mug, letting her words soak into my mind, my heart. Is that what I felt? Love? Was it even possible?

  “Bear in mind I’m talking about mature love, but the beginnings of it are all the same. It all starts with a choice. Sometimes it’s easy because you know that you aren’t meant for the other person, sometimes you are the perfect fit, but fear holds you back. You need to decide which one fits you.” She patted my hand once more. “I’m going to go put on my face.” With a wink, she headed toward the bathroom to put on her makeup, leaving me lost in my own thoughts.

  I knew the answer to her question. It was fear. I was afraid because, well, Khan had been shot by some seriously bad guys and… what if I gave him my heart fully and he died?

  Am I willing to invest in the whole thought that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? Yet, even as I thought it, my training came back and bit me in the ass.

  How many people died in car crashes each year? How many people had heart attacks at the age of twenty-five and died right in the prime of their life? We were never guaranteed tomorrow.

  Death could easily call any number… even mine.

  Did I want to live assuming I had several decades of life? Or did I want to simply live.

  I traced the rim of my cup with a finger.

  “Looking for the answers to the universe?” Khan’s gravelly voice startled me, and my coffee splashed over the mug.

  “You’re feeling brave to mess with a girl’s first cup of coffee in the morning,” I mumbled, grabbed a napkin and cleaned up the small mess.

  “To be fair, it’s still full, and, judging by the way it’s not steaming, you haven’t been exactly drinking it. Trying to absorb it by osmosis?” he asked over his shoulder as he limped to the coffeemaker and poured himself a cup.

  “You should sit. I’ll get it for you.” I started to stand, ignoring how accurate his comment had been. His broad shoulders were bare, tapering down to a muscled back and low-slung boxers. My mouth went dry, and I tried to turn away but couldn’t.

  “I’m not helpless,” he called back and poured himself a cup, then another, and limped back to the table. Slowly, he sat in the chair, his dark brows furrowing as he lowered himself with the good leg and stretched out the injured one.

  Shaking my head, I pulled out another chair, grabbed a pillow from the couch, and set it on the seat. Gently, I lifted his injured leg onto the chair and rested it on the pillow.

  “Thanks.”

  “No problem.”

  “Here.” He held out the other cup. “Yours wasn’t doing its job.”

  “Thanks.” I took the cup and let the warmth soak into my fingers as my mind spun for something to say.

  “Did you sleep well?” Khan asked, his blue eyes sharp.

  “Uh, no…” I leaned back into my chair and took a slow sip of coffee. “… I didn’t. I even tried counting sheep. For the record, it doesn’t work.”

  “Noted.” He nodded once. “Why couldn’t you sleep?” he asked. His expression was open and detached, but his eyes gave away his interest.

  Those eyes were my kryptonite.

  “You,” I answered.

  His dark brows shot up.

  “Sorry I ran out last night.” I held my breath for a moment then released it as his expression softened.

  “I don’t blame you. I can… come on a little strong.”

  “You? Never.” I chuckled, releasing some of the tension that seemed so thick in the kitchen.

  “Shocking, I know.”

  “I just… What if…”

  “What if?” he asked, leaning forward.

  “What if I find you only to lose you?” I whispered, studying his propped-up leg.

  After a few moments of silence, I risked a glance to his face. His blue eyes were unreadable, and he tilted his head.

  “What if I lost you?” he asked after a moment.

  “I know… but… I’m just afraid,” I answered honestly.

  He nodded then took a sip of coffee. “So… it’s not my family that concerns you, but the hazards of my… profession?”

  He was right. I had somehow moved past that whole mob idea. It was part of him but didn’t define him, as demonstrated by the fact that he’d been shot for doing something right. ”Yeah.”

  “Hmm.” He set his coffee cup down and leaned back. “Here I was up all night, preparing for the exact opposite and… I’ve got nothing.”

  “Nothing?” I asked, slightly confused.

  “Yep, nothing. All my brilliant arguments don’t matter as to why you should look past my… well… past. You already have.” He crossed his arms, a slight pucker in his brows.

  “Okay…”

  “I can’t promise that nothing will ever happen to me, Daph.” He spoke quietly, almost a whisper.

  My gaze shot to his, and I waited.

  “But I can promise that what time I have will be yours. Whether that’s a week or till I hit a hundred years,” he finished, his shoulders still, as if holding his breath.

  My heartbeat accelerated, pounding fiercely, and, for a moment, I had the instinct to run once more, but my feet planted themselves as I remembered Margo’s words. “You face everything together.”

  Together.

  I wanted that… for him and me.

  “Okay.” I answered.

  “Okay?” he asked, his body still rigid.

  “I want to try to make this work, Khan. You’re… you’re what I want.”

  “You two are up early—” Jude’s words were cut off with a loud yawn, and I jumped, glancing to the kitchen door as he strode in, obviously oblivious. “Please tell me Margo made coffee…” He spoke to himself and then picked up a mug and kissed it before pouring it full of the black liquid. “Daph, you okay? I mean, there’s still almost half a pot left, and you usually—“ He turned, and the words died out as his gaze flickered from me to Khan then back to me, then narrowing in on Khan. “What the hell?” His fingers tightened on his cup as he took a step toward Khan.

  “Jude—” Khan started.

  “No. It’s bad enough that Sofia has to freaking cry herself to sleep when you don’t call. Don’t put my sister in the same hell,” he threatened.

  “Jude—” I tried, but he interrupted.

  “Daph, you don’t know what I know, okay? Just… this isn’t a good idea. I told you, man— I freaking TOLD you.” Jude slammed his coffee mug on the table and spread his hands out.

  “I guess that tells me how much you already knew,” I mumbled to myself.

  Jude’s gaze shot to me
, the intensity scorching. “What do you mean by that, Daph?”

  “I know, Jude. And before you start throwing punches, Khan didn’t have much of a choice.”

  “There’s always a choice, Daph.” He spat.

  “And I took away his.” I nodded toward Khan. “I refused to treat him if he didn’t come clean. Saying I’d call him in.” I stood and walked over toward my brother.

  His gaze darted between Khan and me.

  “Jude, you and Daph — you will always have the choice. Knowledge doesn’t take that away. It just makes you aware. You can both walk away. Sofia and I—“

  “You leave Sofia out of this.” Jude pointed at Khan, the vein in his neck throbbing with apparent tension.

  “Sofia is as much a part as I am… you know this. She came and spoke with me last night after she talked with you, and I do have to give you credit, man. You figured it out a long time ago and stuck with her. I’m really thankful she has you.” Khan spoke with a humble tone, as if he thought himself less than Jude because of his past, his involvement.

  Was that how he viewed himself?

  “I love her,” Jude answered simply.

  Because as complicated as love could be… it was also simple.

  A choice. Yes or no.

  “Exactly,” I answered. “Don’t deny me the same choice, Jude. You’ve made your choice. Let me make mine.” I reached out and laid a hand on his arm, feeling his strain.

  “Daph.”

  “Jude…” I shook my head slightly and hitched a shoulder. There was nothing he could say to change my mind.

  And judging by the way his expression softened, he knew that.

  He pulled me into a tight hug then released me and turned to Khan. “If you do anything — and I swear… anything — to hurt her, I will make one call, Khan. One.” Jude’s gaze held Khan’s for long moment, as if the look itself was a full conversation. A full threat.

  “Understood.” Khan nodded once, his blue eyes serious and intent as he and my brother made some sort of visual pact.

  “Where’s Sofia?” I asked, trying to break the tension.

  “In bed. I just peeked in when she didn’t answer my knock. She’s whipped and stressed.” Jude glared at Khan as he said the words.

  “I’d better make more coffee,” I mumbled and headed toward the counter.

  The tension in the room was still thick but not as violent as before, and I heard a chair scrape the floor.

  The remainder of coffee looked a little strong so I tossed it and made a new pot.

  “How much time?” Jude’s voice was low, as if trying to ask Khan without me overhearing.

  Frozen, I held my breath and waited. When Khan didn’t answer, I pushed the button to start the brewing and pretended I wasn’t aware of their conversation.

  “I’m not sure… maybe a day or two. Don’t worry, they won’t come here.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  Khan was silent, and I released the breath I was holding only to hold the next as I waited.

  “I’m taking care of it,” Khan replied, his tone sharp.

  Jude scoffed, “Sure, like you took care of it before? Oh wait…” A chair scooted against the floor, and I heard footsteps leave the kitchen. The coffee started pouring into the pot and jolted me from my concentration. I sighed heavily and turned.

  Khan rubbed the back of his neck and wiped down his face with his hand.

  “More coffee?” I asked, trying to break the silence.

  “No,” he whispered, his gaze fixed on where Jude had just exited the kitchen. “I didn’t want to do this.”

  I refreshed my own coffee and the mug’s heat started to burn my hand. I set it down and sat in the chair that had been pushed away from the table. “Do what?”

  Khan closed his eyes and bit his lower lip, drawing my attention to its fullness as I remembered the flavor of his kiss.

  “I had a cousin…” He took a slow breath.

  “Had?” This couldn’t be good.

  “Yeah. Andi. She passed away.”

  I — I’m sorry,” I answered, a chill making my body tighten.

  “It’s not what you think,” he whispered softly. “She had cancer, wasn’t much older than you, actually.”

  “Oh… that’s terrible.” Wrapping my arms around myself, I tried to grasp the whole idea of my life being stolen before I’d even had a fair shot to live.

  “Yeah, it was… but it was even worse for her husband. Great guy — actually, no. Guy scared the shit out of me the one time I met him, but he’s one of the only guys to walk the line. You know… play both sides?” Khan opened his eyes and speared me with a direct gaze.

  “Oh.” I nodded with understanding. Both sides had to mean he was like Khan — rather, Khan was like him — in with the bad and working for the good.

  “Anyway… when my father died and left me his position in the… family, Andi was just marrying the guy. I went to the wedding. It was pretty tense.” He shook his head, as if trying to remove a memory. “But Andi told me that if I ever needed help, to go to him — Sergio.” Khan leaned back in the chair. “So I asked for help. Sergio got me in with the feds, cleaned me, essentially. I’ve only been trying at this for a few months, but damn, I don’t know how the guy did it for so long.” He blew out a pent-up breath.

  I relaxed slightly, just enough to breathe without strain.

  “Anyway, I’m in over my head here, which sucks having to admit that.” He rubbed the back of his neck and stood. “I’ve got an idea, but I’ll need some… support. Sergio is my best bet. Damn, I just wish I didn’t have to call him.” He mumbled the last words.

  “Why? I mean, if he’s the best and knows what he’s doing…” I asked.

  “He’s not the best. He’s a freaking ghost. He practically didn’t exist for years… and now he’s got… a lot to deal with.”

  “Because of your cousin’s death” I asked.

  His eyes shifted away. “ Amongst other things.”

  “Oh.” I studied my coffee cup, as if searching the dark liquid would give me the answers I didn’t even know to ask.

  The silence stretched for a moment, and I bit back more questions, sensing that Khan was in deep though.

  “I hate that you see this… this part of me… of my life,” he whispered after a moment, his tortured eyes darting up to meet mine.

  “I’d like to think I’m taking it pretty well.” I attempted to smile.

  He raised a skeptical brow.

  “Aside from checking the windows now and then,” I amended and took a sip of coffee, glancing away.

  “Yeah… well, I think I figured out the perfect distraction.” He stood and took a few steps toward me, his gaze drawing me in.

  “Oh?” I asked, my tone breathless and warm against my lips from the hot coffee.

  “Hmm…” he crooned and reached up, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear, “… you want to know what’s so perfect about it?”

  I shook my head slowly, never taking my eyes from his, drowning in his gaze. He gently reached out and took my coffee cup, turning slightly to set it on the table. The heat of his fingers seeped into my skin as he wrapped his grip around mine tightly and drew me closer. Warm breath tickled my lips as he brushed against my mouth, teasing me with just the slightest taste of his flavor.

  His grip loosened on one hand, and he reached up and traced my jawline, sending shivers down my back. The next kiss was completely different in nature, soft, yet there was a strength behind it that was so indicative of Khan’s personality. Strength tempered with a thoughtful nature, courage balanced with awareness — it was altogether delightful and daring. Teeth nipped against my lower lip, and he drew it into his mouth and caressed it with his warm tongue. Shuddering with the need to feel him, I pressed into his solid chest. As if igniting a match, his kiss deepened, and his hands circled my waist then dipped to my hips. He clenched them as his fingers massaged.

  “Coffee always did that for m
e too.” Margo’s amused tone was like a bucket of ice water, and I gasped, pulling back. Khan’s amused expression made me want to smack him, even as my lips tingled from his assault.

  “Hi, Mom,” he spoke, never once taking his gaze from mine.

  “Morning, sweetheart. Don’t let me interrupt. You two looked quite… comfortable.” A chuckle punctuated her last word, one full of delight, and I took in her completely happy expression.

  “She’s been after me to chase you for years,” Khan whispered, his gaze darting down to the ground then meeting mine, his expression triumphant.

  I raised an eyebrow. “Oh? And what took you so long?” I poked a finger into his chest, teasing him.

  “This and that…”

  But I knew the answer. It still floored me. How could this man run both sides of the line, fight the demons that chased him and take bullets, all while trying to do the right thing, only to think himself unworthy?

  “Glad you finally got it together.” I flirted and tried to walk around him. An arm snaked around my waist and pulled me back.

  “Nope. Sorry, now that I’ve got you, I’m not letting go,” he murmured against my neck.

  “Oh?” I replied, completely forgetting we had an audience.

  “Nope. Because what I didn’t say earlier is that while I knew what distracted you…” He kissed my neck lovingly. “… it is also the very thing that keeps me grounded, keeps me from feeling lost. And once you find something so perfect, you hold on tight.” On cue, his grip tightened, possessive and gentle all at once.

  “I couldn’t agree more,” I whispered back, tilting my head back to meet his gaze.

  Just then, his phone buzzed, drawing both of our gazes to the table where it vibrated.

  His body tightened, but not the good kind that was an effect of desire; it was tension, thick and heavy. He carefully released his grip and strode to the table.

  “I need a second.” His brow furrowed as he scrolled through and replied to a text. Without another word, he left the kitchen, and I heard the front door shut.

  “And so it starts… again.” Margo was gripping the back of the chair, her knuckles white, her expression strained.