by Sarah Bailey
“You actually going to do your homework?”
I shook myself at the sound of her voice.
“It’s fucking boring. I already know this shit.”
“So, you don’t care about exams then?”
I shrugged. I did, but I wasn’t worried about my ability to pass. Life wasn’t all about doing well at school. If I wanted to get into university, it was, but again, I wasn’t worried. Besides, if I was ever stuck, I had Eric. He had a degree in accountancy, which is exactly what I planned to do. When Aurora and I took over the Syndicate from our parents, I’d run the money.
“Come on, Duke, if you don’t get this done then we can’t game.”
I sighed and rolled over onto my front, knocking into Kira’s side. She gave me a dark look, but I merely grinned and tugged on her hair.
“Such a spoilsport.”
“As if you were doing anything else other than daydreaming about your girlfriend.”
The bitterness in her voice cut me. I don’t think she meant for me to hear it, but it was there, plain as day. I had no idea why Kira had such an issue with Andie. She thought I didn’t notice. I did. The way Kira looked at my girlfriend had me wondering why she’d ever dared me to kiss Andie in the first place. Maybe she was pissed we couldn’t spend as much time together. That was probably it. Kira didn’t see me as anything other than her best friend.
“I wasn’t.”
“You sure? You were concentrating pretty hard.”
I was concentrating on you. Always on you, Kira, even when I shouldn’t.
“I don’t think about girls all the time, you know.”
The look she sent my way told me she didn’t believe me.
“Yeah, okay, so you’re telling me you’re not a teenage boy who wants to get his end away with his girlfriend all of a sudden?”
I grinned.
“Never said that.”
She rolled her eyes and stared down at her textbooks again.
“You and her going to, you know, do the deed?”
Andie and I hadn’t done anything sexual yet. We’d been dating for a couple of months. Maybe it was time. Didn’t think losing my virginity was a big deal. I was waiting for her to be ready. I wasn’t brought up to expect it from girls or to even dare think about pressurising anyone into it.
“Don’t know. Maybe.”
“Didn’t you talk to her about it?”
“I did.”
“And?”
I sighed and fiddled with my textbook, which I should have been reading. Andie wanted it to be special. It made me less inclined to take the step with her. I would be a dick for doing it with her when I wasn’t completely invested in our relationship. The whole situation already made me a bit of a dick in the first place.
“And nothing, Kira. What do you want me to say? It’ll happen when it happens.”
I didn’t know why she was suddenly interested in whether or not I slept with Andie. We told each other everything. It wasn’t an unusual conversation, but something about this didn’t add up. Kira’s demeanour felt off. Then again, she always sounded off when the topic of Andie came up. Like she was only asking out of obligation because I was her best friend and she wanted to support me. In reality, I don’t think Kira liked my girlfriend.
“Okay, way to be defensive.”
“I’m not being… why do you care, anyway?”
“I don’t. Do what you want with her. Not my business.”
I didn’t have time to respond as my bedroom door opened. I turned my head, finding my younger brother, Raphi, walking in. He had a bright smile on his face.
“All right, nerd?” I threw over my shoulder at him.
He adjusted his glasses as his face fell at my words.
“Fuck off.”
“Hey, Raphi,” Kira said, giving him a smile.
“Hey, Kira.” He shot her a grin before turning his attention back to me. “Why can’t you say hello like a normal person? Kira does it.”
“I’m not normal,” I replied with a shrug.
He rolled his eyes, going over to my desk and planting himself in the chair. Our parents had got them for all our rooms to do our homework, but when Kira was over, which was often, I rarely used it. The two of us were inseparable, though since I’d started dating Andie, I’d given more time to her than I had done to my best friend.
“What are you doing here, anyway? Can’t you see we’re studying?”
“Me?” Raphi pointed at himself. “Oh well, E said dinner will be ready in an hour.”
I looked over at the clock. It was already five.
“You could have just said that in the first place.”
“I’m bored.”
“When this one is done with her homework, we can play Mario Kart if you want.” I pointed at Kira. “Just don’t tell Cole.”
Raphi snorted. Our younger brother was a sore loser. Always had been. It had got worse since he started going through puberty. I swear to god Cole was the moodiest little shit at times.
“He’s doing something with Mum and Rory, so we’re safe.”
“Thank fuck. That boy has issues. I’ve never known anyone to get so fucking worked up over a game.”
“Like you can talk,” Kira muttered.
I’d been known to get angry over people being idiots during an online tournament, but I wasn’t a rage quitter like some people. I especially hated the dicks in the gaming community who thought women shouldn’t be a part of it. Kira could outmatch most of them if she wanted. The girl was pretty fucking amazing.
“I only ever do it to defend your honour.”
I got poked in the ribs for that comment.
“I don’t need a knight in shining armour, thank you very much. Perfectly capable of tearing those dicks a new one myself.”
“True, but I don’t like them disrespecting you. It’s not right. You’re better than them.”
She gave me a smile, her copper eyes shining.
“Aw, my hero.”
If only she knew… but I wouldn’t go there. It wasn’t right for me to think of Kira that way. She was my entire world. I’d never do anything to jeopardise our friendship. Never. I couldn’t live without her in my life. I was fucking lucky Andie accepted it without complaint. Some girls didn’t like their boyfriends having female friends. There was nothing between Kira and me. At least, nothing I’d ever admit to.
“See? Maybe you do need saving after all.”
She shoved my arm.
“Shut up. You’re the last person I’d want saving me. Raphi would be a better hero than you.”
“Hey!”
I could hear my brother laughing at our exchange from behind us. This was par for the course between Kira and me.
“What?”
“That’s not fair.”
“Isn’t it?”
“I’ve saved Raphi from those dicks at school countless times.”
We both turned our heads to look at my brother for a moment.
“Just means you’re Raphi’s hero, not mine.”
I barked with laughter as my brother’s eyebrows shot up. Kira gave him as much of a hard time as she did me. She was around here so much, we’d practically adopted the girl into our family.
“Nah, I’m just his big brute of an older brother.”
I was built like my dad, although I wasn’t as big as him in terms of muscle mass. He worked out. I couldn’t be bothered with all that shit.
“Brute is right,” Raphi muttered.
Kira stroked my arm, making my skin prickle.
“You’re not a brute, just protective of those you care about,” she whispered so my brother couldn’t hear her.
My heart went haywire in my chest. Kira always saw me differently from everyone else. Too many people compared me to my father, which wasn’t a bad thing, but I was my own person too. She noticed those things about me. The ones which made me uniquely Duke.
; “I try,” I murmured back.
The way she smiled at me had me looking away for fear my feelings would be written all over my face. There wasn’t a day that went by when I didn’t feel guilty. The last person on my mind when I fell asleep every night should be my girlfriend.
It wasn’t.
And I hated myself for it.
“Should we put Raphi out of his misery and game?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.
Reaching over, I fiddled with her long hair, tangling it between my fingers.
“Yeah, we should.”
Kira stared at my fingers. It wasn’t unusual for me to touch her like this, but perhaps it was weird now I had a girlfriend. I shouldn’t want to be closer to my best friend than I already was, but every part of me adored Kira. She was the light of my fucking life. She and Raphi were the two people I would die without.
She pulled away, jumping off the bed and leaving me bereft of her presence. I internally scolded myself. I wasn’t being fair to either of us. I was especially being unfair to Andie.
Get a grip! Andie is your girl. That’s it.
Getting up, I followed Kira and Raphi from my bedroom and headed to the games room. It was high time I locked this shit down for good. I resolved to be better going forward. Give more time to the person I was with and bury anything else I might feel deep down inside me. It had to be this way. There was no other choice. I would not mess up the good things in my life. Ruining my twelve-year friendship with the girl who knew me inside out would be the stupidest thing I could ever do.
Chapter Three
I cursed myself all the way home for asking Duke about him and Andie. Why did I insist on torturing myself in this way? Did I want to cause myself pain? Did I want to punish myself for my feelings towards him? For the jealousy coating my veins. For wanting him to look at me the way he did her.
When he’d fiddled with my hair earlier, my heart burnt at the simple gesture, which I knew meant nothing. Duke and I had always been this way. Physically affectionate friends. I didn’t read into it, at least, not until he started dating Andie and continued to be the same way with me. The more I thought about it, the more I realised how easily it could be misconstrued. Only Duke never did it when she was around. It led me to believe it might not be as innocent as it should be. And I was messed up for reading into it.
I groaned as I unlocked my front door, hating myself even more for everything I was feeling. It’s like I couldn’t stop being this person I’d come to despise over the past few months. If I wasn’t careful, I’d ruin everything I shared with my best friend.
Moving through the house after I took off my shoes, coat and dumped my bag, I went upstairs and along the hallway to my father’s bedroom. He was sat in his armchair by the window, staring outside with his shaky fingers brushing over the chess set I’d bought him two years ago. I stood in the doorway taking in his grey hair and green eyes which always shone whenever they landed on me. He told me I reminded him of my mother but in a good way. He remembered all the wonderful times they shared whenever he laid eyes on me.
“Hey, Dad.”
Stanley Willis turned his attention away from the window and onto me. The way his eyes lit up made my chest cave in. He was my only surviving relation. I didn’t know what I’d do without him.
“You’re home.”
I moved into the room and took a seat in the armchair opposite him.
“Duke says hello.”
“You tell him I’m ready for a re-match.”
I smiled, rubbing my chest absentmindedly. My dad had taught Duke how to play chess years ago.
“I will.”
Dad turned his attention back to the window. He was having one of his bad days. I could tell by his demeanour. His hands shook on the table and his jaw ticked. Dad tried not to show how much his disease affected him, but I knew all the same. There wasn’t a day that went by since his diagnosis six years ago when I wished things were different. It had been not long after his sixtieth birthday when the doctors told him. His symptoms had been getting progressively worse. Now, he managed them with medication and physiotherapy.
I had been my parent’s miracle baby. Mum had been fifteen years younger than my dad. She was thirty-five when I was born. Two years later, she was dead. A brain aneurysm. The doctors had been unable to save her life. I’d been too young to understand why Mummy had to leave us. Now, my dad was the only blood family I had left.
“How is his girlfriend? You said her name is Andie.”
My hand curled around the arm of the chair at the mention of her name.
“She’s good.”
“I’ve always hoped you and he would…”
He didn’t finish his sentence. He didn’t need to. My heart fractured into tiny pieces. Dad always joked about Duke and me growing up and getting married in the future. Now, it wasn’t so funny any longer. Not when my feelings for Duke had morphed into an undying love. Not when the reason I’d asked Duke if he’d slept with Andie yet was because it would kill me if he did.
I want to be his first. I want him to be mine.
“We’re just friends. I don’t think of him like that.”
My dad’s eyes flicked to me. I could see the disbelief in them. He saw right through me. He paid attention to the way I was with Duke. My feelings for my best friend had to be written all over my face.
“Even so. You and he are very alike. Common ground is important for a long-lasting relationship.”
I shook my head, turning away from the way his eyes were scrutinising me.
“I’m only sixteen, Dad. Not really interested in settling down right now. Besides, I’ve never had a boyfriend.”
“Well, no, I wasn’t suggesting such a thing. Maybe when you’re older… sometimes I worry I won’t get to see my little girl get married.”
I pulled myself up from my chair and went over to him, squatting down. I took his trembling hands and held them in my own, staring up at my father with a heavy heart.
“Don’t talk like that. You will, I promise.”
His sad smile tore at my soul.
“You say that, Kira darling, but your old man isn’t getting any younger and with my… well, I’m merely saying it might not happen.”
“Dad…”
He let go of my hand and stroked his fingers through my hair.
“You are my proudest achievement, you know that, right? Such a bright girl.”
I bit my lip.
“What? You’re prouder of me than you are of all the laws you’ve helped pass?”
He shook his head, giving me a grin.
“Of course, you’re my daughter. Far more important than laws and governing.”
I stood up and leant down to kiss his temple. He never failed to tell me how proud of the girl I’d become he was. I might be nerdy and a gamer, but Dad never dissuaded me from doing the things I loved in life. He believed in equal opportunities for all. Crazy to think a man who had inherited a baronetcy from his own father would be so progressive. I hated the whole title business, but I would, ultimately, become a baroness when my father passed away.
“Love you, Dad.”
“I love you too, darling.”
“Do you want help getting to bed?”
He shook his head.
“No, Lisa is still here. She’ll be up to help me in a little while.
I gave him a smile.
“I’ll come say goodnight soon.”
He turned away to the window again. I left the room, walking along the hallway to my bedroom. I shut myself in and flopped down on my bed. Dad’s admission rattled me. He worried about not seeing me grow into an adult and achieve all the things he knew I could. It concerned me too, but I tried not to think about it. I didn’t want to imagine a world without my father in it.
I pulled out my phone and fired off a text, unable to stop myself. There was only one person who would understand the way I felt.
Kira: I
’m worried about Dad.
I got an immediate response, which made my chest ache worse.
Duke: Why?
Kira: He started on about not being here to see me get married again.
It wasn’t the first time my dad had brought it up. I hated him mentioning the future like he wouldn’t be in it. It’s something I brought up to Duke all the time. He knew why it upset me.
Duke: Did he see the doctor again or something?
Kira: No, he’s got an appointment next week.
Duke: Probably why then. He always frets about it when it’s coming up.
Kira: You’re right.
Dad didn’t want to be told he was deteriorating faster than expected. It’s the thing he feared the most. No matter how many times the doctors said he was doing well, he still worried he wouldn’t be able to do everything he set out to before he faded from this world.
Duke: But…
Kira: I’m scared he’s right.
Duke: Stan isn’t going anywhere. He’s got you to live for. That’s one huge incentive right there.
Kira: I can’t lose my dad.
Instead of responding, Duke called me. I answered on the second ring, putting the phone to my ear.
“Kira, you’re not going to lose your dad. You can’t think like that.”
I sighed but didn’t respond. Duke was aware of my biggest fears. He always knew what to do when I got scared.
“Hey, no sighing. Stan’s got this, okay? Once he’s come back from his appointment, he’ll be right as rain. There is no way in hell your dad is going down without a fight. He’ll stick it out as long as he can. He’ll see you do all the things he knows you can.”
“I don’t even know what I want to do in life,” I said, my voice getting all shaky, “I don’t have everything mapped out like you do.”
There was no one thing I felt passionate about. Well, gaming and learning about computers from Xav, but otherwise, I had no idea what I wanted to do in the future.