by Sarah Bailey
“Who said you need to? No one. Anyone who expects you to have all the answers at sixteen is fucking stupid, okay?”
A tear slid down my cheek. Duke was my hero. He really was. No one else matched up to him. He knew me inside out. He championed me. How on earth could I live without this boy? It’s why seeing him with someone else hurt so much. I’d been his number one for the past twelve years and now, everything was different. Not in the way Duke treated me, but there was a wall between us. It separated us from each other. I’d erected it there when I dared him to kiss another girl. When I’d kept my feelings towards him to myself and had turned into someone I no longer recognised. A jealous and insecure girl who wanted her best friend back. Who wanted him to notice her. Who wanted him to be hers.
“Why are you so perfect?” I whispered.
“The last thing I am is perfect. I just know you better than you know yourself.”
“Duke…”
We had waded into dangerous territory. The words I’d always wanted to say were on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t say them. Couldn’t ruin everything between us, nor make it awkward. What kind of person told their best friend they were in love with them? Especially when he had a girlfriend. It would make me the world’s biggest bitch. I wouldn’t do it to him or Andie. No matter how much it hurt me to keep my feelings locked away, it would hurt them worse. I wasn’t that type of person. One who was selfish and took what she wanted regardless of the consequences.
“You don’t need to be so afraid. I’m right here. You can decide everything you need to in your own time. Stop trying to run before you can walk, okay?”
A part of me was grateful he’d changed the subject, but the other half screamed at me. Told me we needed to address this whole fucked up situation between us. Told me I needed to say those words. The five words that had the potential to wreck everything.
I’m in love with you.
“Yeah, okay. You’re right. Thank you, Dukey, don’t know what I’d do without you.”
Somehow the nickname his parents gave him slipped out of my mouth without my say so. My emotions were all over the place today.
“Always. You’re not alone. Even if everything goes to shit, you’re never alone. Not when you have me.”
“I know,” I whispered, not trusting my voice. All I wanted was for him to hold me and tell me he would never leave me. I’d fall apart if I didn’t have Duke.
“Get some sleep for me, Kira. We’ve got a big day tomorrow.”
Didn’t I know it. Mock exams would be the death of me.
“I will. Night.”
“Sleep tight.”
He hung up and I tossed my phone on the bed, letting out a long sigh. I wiped the tears which had fallen during my conversation with Duke from my face, despising them for what they represented. My stupid heart needed to stop with this nonsense. I had to bury my feelings before they destroyed one of the few good things in my life. And only then could I be the best friend Duke needed. Right now? I was being a shit one.
Get your act together.
To stop myself from drowning in my fucked up emotions, I got up and went back into Dad’s room. Lisa had been up and got him ready for bed whilst I’d been on the phone to Duke. He was reading on the Kindle I’d bought him last year. It made me smile. Walking over to his bed, I leant down and kissed the top of his head.
“Night, Dad,” I murmured.
He looked up at me with a smile as I straightened.
“Goodnight, darling.”
“Don’t read too late.”
He gave me a wink and went back to his book. I left his room, hoping Duke was right and my dad’s appointment with his doctor would go well. His symptoms hadn’t worsened since the last appointment. Dad was probably worrying for no reason, as usual. It was the thing I had to hold on to. If I didn’t, I’d fall apart at the seams under the weight of knowing one day my dad would fade from this world and I could do nothing to stop it.
Chapter Four
Andie was studying at my desk whilst I sat on my bed, up against my headboard, trying to concentrate on revising for another mock exam tomorrow. I usually studied with Kira, but since I’d started dating Andie, I was trying to give more time and attention to her. I was totally into Andie. However, she wasn’t my best friend. The girl who knew me inside out because we’d been joined at the hip since we were four years old. Guess I was more of a dick than I wanted to admit. Secretly pining after someone I couldn’t be with even though I had a girlfriend.
It was fucked up.
Too fucked up.
“You think you’re going to pass these mocks?” I asked when I got bored with looking at my textbooks. It’s not as if I didn’t already know this stuff. I was merely revising for the sake of it. Nothing I did now would change the outcome of our mocks. It would be what it was.
“Probably. Who knows. I mean, they can’t be that hard, can they?”
“Nah, I doubt it. I’m not worried.”
She laughed.
“You’re never worried about anything.”
You could call me laid back. I didn’t take life too seriously apart from when it came to Kira. The shit she went through with Stan made my heart ache. Last night when I’d called her after she texted me, it fucking hurt to hear the agony in her voice. I hated how Stan’s disease weighed so heavily on her. If Kira lost her dad, she would be devastated, as would I. He’d been a huge part of my life. I’d known him and Kira for twelve years. He’d taught me how to play chess, something I never thought I would have an interest in, but it was our thing. It reminded me he owed me a re-match.
“How’s it having Wyatt back?”
I looked over at Andie, whose back stiffened.
“Okay, I guess.”
“You guess?”
She turned in my desk chair. Her brown eyes were full of caution. I didn’t know why. Andie always spoke highly of her brother.
“Yeah. He’s… different, you know, since he came back.”
Her brother had returned from a tour of duty a couple of weeks ago and was now on leave.
“I thought it was a peacekeeping thing.”
I’d not met Wyatt. He’d been gone for six months. He was five years older than Andie and had joined the army when he was eighteen, three years ago.
“Me too. He can’t talk about it, they’re not supposed to discuss that kind of stuff.”
She got up from her chair and joined me on the bed, reaching over to run her fingers through my hair. I gave her a smile.
“How’s he been different?”
She shrugged, dragging her long nails across my scalp, which I found soothing. Probably why she was doing it. She knew it helped me.
“I don’t know how to explain it. He’s still Wyatt, but he’s got this air of…” she faltered, looking away and her face fell.
I rubbed her leg after dumping my textbook on the bed.
“Air of what, Andie?”
“Menace. Like he’s got all these dark thoughts running through his mind.”
I frowned, wondering what the fuck that even meant.
“It sounds crazy, but I feel like he saw some stuff which changed him. Maybe I’m just reading into it too much. He’s acting normal to me and my parents, but I have a feeling, and it scares me if I’m honest.”
Andie told me she’d been close to her brother growing up despite their age difference. She looked up to him. It was like me and Raphi, although we were much closer in age. There was only a year and a half between us. There was the same gap between me and Aurora too, but she drove me crazy. We never ceased to wind each other up. Mum kept saying our relationship mirrored our fathers’ one. My dad, Xav was always pushing Quinn’s buttons. I suppose I did the same to my sister. Our parents had never kept the truth of our parentage and their relationship from us. Most people thought it was weird us having four dads, but it was normal for me and my siblings.
“He scares you?�
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Her head whipped around.
“No, I don’t mean like that. I’m just worried about him.”
Something about her words didn’t ring true. Perhaps it was the wide-eyed look she gave me as if she didn’t want me thinking badly of her brother. This whole thing felt wrong. Why would she tell me about it if there wasn’t something more to it?
“You sure?”
“Yeah, Wyatt’s not dangerous or anything.”
Andie didn’t sound like she believed her own words.
“Well, okay.”
I decided not to push the subject. She would tell me if she wanted to. If it had been Kira, I would have been all over it. We didn’t keep shit from each other.
Stop thinking about her whilst you’re with Andie. Jesus, you are supposed to be locking this shit down.
I was keeping my feelings a secret. It was the first time I’d ever hidden something from Kira, but it was a necessity. If I lost Kira, I’d lose my fucking mind. She was my anchor.
Andie moved closer to me, her eyes wandering over my face. Her expression changed, making me very aware of what her intentions were. I didn’t stop her kissing me, her fingers digging into my scalp. When we pulled apart, I bit my lip. She’d wanted to distract me from the subject of her brother. It had worked.
“Duke…”
“Mmm?”
“I think I’m ready.”
I sat back, knowing exactly what she meant and trying not to appear as though she’d dumped a bucket of ice water over my head. Not the sort of reaction anyone would expect from a teenage boy whose girlfriend had admitted she was ready for sex. It forced unwanted thoughts into my head. Ones I’d desperately tried to keep buried.
She’s not Kira. She’s not Kira. She’s not fucking Kira.
It was like an avalanche of fucked up got dumped all over my brain and I couldn’t dispel the sudden intrusion of my best friend flashing through my mind. Was it so messed up of me to want my first time to be with the girl I’d known my whole life? With the girl who made my fucking heart sing.
Jesus Christ. You sound ridiculous right now.
I might sound crazy, but it was the truth. The fucking truth of the matter. And I hated everything about it.
“You are?” I asked, my voice hoarse.
“Yes.”
“But, Andie, we’re not…”
I was about to say we’re not in love but I stopped. Sex wasn’t necessarily about love. Andie wanted her first time to be special. To be with someone she cared about. She’d said it several times in the past. I wanted to respect her wishes. Not to mention it felt wrong of me to do that with her when I had thoughts of someone else.
“I mean, I thought you wanted it to be special.”
Her hand fell from my hair to my face.
“I do. You’re special to me.”
Why did her words make my soul die a little on the inside? I wanted to feel the same way. Fuck, did I wish Andie could match up to the girl who’d been in my life since I was four years old and make me forget about how I wanted more with her.
You need to end this. You’re going to have to break up with her. It’s not fair to lead her on when you know very well you’re never going to fall in love with her.
“You’re special to me too, but I want you to be sure.”
The lie stuck in my throat. Andie was special. So fucking special. But she wasn’t Kira Renata Willis. My best friend. I reminded myself yet again I should not have feelings towards her.
“I am sure.”
A normal teenage boy would be in there like a shot. I was trying to think of all the ways I could put it off. How I could get out of it. The eagerness in her eyes only made the guilt tear at me. I shouldn’t ignore what she was saying, but I didn’t want to have this conversation. I didn’t want to deal with it.
“Maybe we can talk about it after mocks are over, yeah?”
Coward.
Andie was my buffer against my feelings towards Kira. It gave me an excuse to suppress them. And I knew it was completely messed up, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted to be free of this fucking burden. This attraction to someone I couldn’t have. It was a fucking nightmare.
“Okay, you’re right, I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
“No, no, it’s fine. I just want to get this shit out of the way first, then I can give you my whole focus.”
Her smile cut me, especially as she leant in and kissed me again. I was attracted to Andie. Kissing her and touching her gave me a stirring. But what boy wouldn’t be turned on by her? She was beautiful, funny and intelligent.
My phone buzzed on the bedside table. I pulled back and grabbed it, noticing the way Andie’s face fell slightly. Usually, I’d have ignored it, but it might be Kira and she wasn’t doing so well at the moment.
Kira: I dare you to put salt in Raphi and Cole’s water at dinner.
I snorted. It was her turn to dare me. My brothers were going to crucify me, but it would be worth it. If I did it to Aurora, I’d be a dead man walking. I was thankful Kira had left my sister out of it for once. We’d played a lot of pranks on Aurora in the past. She hated us for it.
Duke: Do you want proof?
Kira: I trust you.
“What’s so funny?” Andie asked.
She didn’t know about the stupid game I’d started with Kira when we were eleven. The one where we took turns to dare each other to do silly pranks and other dumb kid shit. My siblings knew all about it since they’d been on the receiving end of them plenty of times, but I’m not sure our parents had cottoned on yet.
“Just Kira making a joke.”
I looked over in time to see a flash of irritation pass over Andie’s face. She’d never told me she didn’t like my friendship with Kira and always sought to include my friend when we were together. Was she hiding her dislike from me? Perhaps it had more to do with Kira interrupting us kissing. Maybe Andie was pissed about that and I was reading into things that weren’t there.
I put my phone down and leant over to her, taking her hand and bringing her fingertips to my lips. Placing a kiss on each one brought a blush to her face.
“You’re not mad, are you?”
Andie’s eyebrow shot up.
“About Kira texting you? No, why would I be?”
I shrugged.
“No reason.”
She shifted closer and rested her head on my shoulder, staring up at me.
“Kira’s an important part of your life. I’d never get in the way of that.”
I stroked her dark hair. Perhaps she should get in the way of Kira and me. Maybe it would fucking well cure me of these unwanted feelings. The urges I had towards my best friend which I was having a hard time keeping under wraps. They kept amplifying every time I was around her. Every time she told me how scared she was of losing Stan. Every time she said she didn’t know what she’d do without me. My heart bled out all over the floor at the defeated notes in her voice.
Stop thinking about it.
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Being understanding.”
Andie smiled, her eyes softening.
“It’s not understanding, it’s trust. You’ve given me no reason not to trust you.”
My stomach sunk even as I smiled at her. What the hell was wrong with me? Whilst I had technically done nothing wrong, I didn’t feel as though I deserved her trust.
“Thank you all the same.”
She wrapped an arm around me, nuzzling my neck. I was going to have to do something about my predicament. I had to rid myself of my feelings towards Kira before everything went to hell in a fucking handcart.
Chapter Five
“And that’s checkmate.”
I grinned at Stan, who’d outmanoeuvred me today. The man was shrewd and far better than me at chess, but it didn’t stop me from trying every time we played.
“Been practising without me, old man?�
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He chuckled and shook his head, leaning back in his chair. Stan was having one of his good days. He’d been at work today. Given he worked in government, guess you could say Stan turned a blind eye to what my parents had done in the past. Not sure many people were fully aware of my parent’s connections to the criminal underworld these days given they’d left that life behind for the most part. It’s not like my parents were bad people, just did what they needed to survive.
“Maybe a little. Not like Kira will try her hand at it.”
She was lying on the rug next to us with her nose buried in her Nintendo DS.
“Chess is boring, Dad,” she muttered.
“And those games you play aren’t?”
She paused her game and looked up at him with a sly smile on her face.
“Nope, running around shooting people is way more fun.”
Stan laughed. He knew what type of games we played. I nudged Kira with my foot, making her turn her attention to me. Her copper eyes shone with her amusement as I gave her a wink.
“You staying tonight?” she asked.
I lived two streets over, but Kira and I often spend the night at each other’s houses. When we’d been younger, we’d shared the same bed, but now, if I was here, I slept in one of their spare rooms. Didn’t think it was appropriate to share a bed with my best friend when I had a girlfriend. Not that I wanted to think about Andie right then. It’d been a few weeks since our conversation about being ready for sex. Mocks were over now. I couldn’t put it off any longer. I’d ended up agreeing to go around her house tomorrow night when her parents were out to make sure she didn’t get suspicious. The whole thing was fucked up, but what else could I do?
The guilt is fucking crippling me. I can’t deal with this for much longer.
The whole thing made me feel shit. Andie deserved better. Kira fucking deserved better from me too.
“Yeah, think I might. Let me just text Dad.”
I didn’t want to leave her tonight. The thought of what would happen tomorrow made me anxious. Being around Kira would keep me fucking sane, even if it would torment me at the same time.