by Sarah Bailey
“Cool.” She gave me a bright smile. “That’s okay, yeah, Dad?”
“Of course, darling,” Stan replied. “Duke’s always welcome.”
I pulled out my phone.
Duke: Staying at Kira’s tonight. Tell Mum.
It took a few minutes to get a response.
Dad: Ash says don’t stay up too late.
I rolled my eyes. It was Friday night, so what did it matter. Mum worried about us kids far too much.
Duke: And what about you?
Dad: If you and Kira game all night, it wouldn’t surprise me.
It wouldn’t have been the first time. We did tend to get carried away.
Duke: Not planning on it. Be home in the morning.
Dad: Have fun. Say hi to Stan and Kira for me.
I smiled before sliding my phone into my pocket.
“Dad says hi to both of you.”
“How are your parents?” Stan asked before taking a sip of his water.
“They’re good. Got some big poker tournament coming up at the Syndicate. Quinn is stressed and Dad is winding him up about it as usual.”
“When is Xav not winding Quinn up,” Kira said, popping the DS on the floor and sitting up on her knees. “It’s like his favourite sport.”
“So true. You weren’t there last week when Dad thought it would be funny to tell Quinn they’d decided not to celebrate his fiftieth birthday. He’s already sensitive about his age. It was a mess.”
Quinn’s birthday was coming up soon. Mum had arranged a huge surprise party for him, not to mention they were buying him a sports car as a gift. Aurora said they were encouraging her dad to have a midlife crisis when Eric mentioned it to us.
Kira cracked up. She’d been witness to the insanity of my family. They weren’t normal at all. Having four dads made that impossible. They all had such unique personalities which often clashed and Mum was constantly breaking up stupid arguments between them. I didn’t know how she did it. My mum was a force to be reckoned with.
“Oh my god, I wish I had been there. Your family is mad, I swear.”
“Too right.” I turned to Stan. “You want another game or should Kira and I leave you in peace?”
He waved a hand.
“No, no, you two go do your gaming. I’ll be fine here.”
Kira got up, handing me her DS.
“I’ll help you get ready for bed.”
I stood up and left them to it after saying goodnight to Stan, wandering along the hallway to Kira’s bedroom. I set the DS down on her bedside table and turned on the TV, booting up one of her games consoles. Spending the next couple of minutes getting us all set up, I then lay back against her covers to wait for her. I probably shouldn’t have agreed to spend tonight here. Not when my emotions were all over the place.
Kira wandered in a few minutes later, looking tired. She flopped down next to me, letting out a long sigh. Her fingers found mine, linking them together.
“Okay?” I asked after a moment.
“Yeah, I guess so. Just tired, you know. Glad mocks are over.”
“Me too.”
She turned her head towards me, her copper eyes full of conflicting emotions. Her long hair was fanned out around her. It struck me, not for the first time, how beautiful she was. And not just on the outside. Kira had such a calming presence. She was the kindest girl I’d ever met. Always putting everyone else’s needs first instead of her own. Selfless to a fault. It’s why I was always there for her. She needed someone too. Someone to vent to and give her support.
“Can we just lay here for a while?”
“If you want.”
She rolled on her side, keeping our hands clasped like she needed me as her anchor.
“You were right about Dad. I forgot to tell you with mocks going on, but the doctors are really happy with his progress. When he got back from his appointment, he was brighter and more like himself.”
I smiled. Stan worried too much. I could understand why. He wanted to be there for his daughter. If anything ever happened to him, my family would keep her safe. My parents loved Kira like she was one of their own.
“See, told you it’d be fine.”
She nodded, but her eyes betrayed her inner turmoil.
“Doesn’t stop me thinking about what-ifs though.”
“Kira…”
She shook her head before looking away.
“I know. He’s not going anywhere. It’s not that.”
“Then what is it?”
Her fingers tightened on mine.
“I know it’s okay for me to not know what I want to do with my life, but I keep thinking about it. Keep wondering if I’ll ever make up my mind. I’m tired of feeling as though I’m the only one who has no clue.”
I didn’t respond, waiting for her to elaborate further. Clearly, she had shit on her mind and needed to get it off her chest.
“Like what if I pick a degree, go do it and end up hating it? It would feel like a waste of time.”
“Is that what you’re really worried about?”
She nodded, turning her eyes back to me.
“Does that mean you have some idea of what you might want to choose?”
“I guess so,” she mumbled.
“You going to tell me?”
“Do you think Dad would be okay with me doing something in the games industry?”
I raised an eyebrow. If Kira thought for one second Stan wouldn’t support her in anything she chose to do, she really didn’t know her father at all.
“Is that a real question?”
She gave me a look.
“What? Kira, come on, Stan doesn’t care what you want to do. The only thing he wants is for you to be happy.”
“Yeah, but—”
“But nothing. He wouldn’t be surprised if you chose that. We are always gaming, you know.”
She stared at me for a long moment before cracking a smile.
“Guess you’re right. I’ll give it some more thought. Xav’s taught me a lot about programming… it’s not that much of a stretch.”
Kira had always been more creative than me. She didn’t like to draw or anything, but she often came up with novelty dares. It reminded me it was my turn to dare her. Maybe Kira needed a little extra push.
“I dare you to tell Stan.”
Her eyes widened.
“What?”
“You heard me.”
She blinked, her whole body going still for the longest moment.
“Our dares are supposed to be about stupid stuff… not… not real life shit.”
“Maybe I’m changing the rules. Are you forfeiting?”
Her eyes narrowed. Kira could not resist a challenge. Not one from me, anyway. The only time either of us decided to get reckless was because of each other. Kira and I tended to be sensible until dares got involved, then all bets were off.
“No. Not forfeiting at all… I just…”
“You’re scared.”
She nodded slowly. I moved closer on instinct, turning on my side to face her properly. Reaching out with my free hand, I stroked her face with my fingertips.
“There’s nothing to be scared of. Your dad thinks the world of you. He’s always going to support you.”
She sucked in a breath, staring at me with an expression I couldn’t read.
“Do you think I’d be good at it? Girls in the gaming industry get a lot of flak.”
“You’d be fucking amazing. You’re one of the smartest people I know. Anyone who gives you shit can fuck off. They don’t know you, nor do they deserve to.”
Our closeness had my awareness of her spiking. I couldn’t look away, even though I was reminding myself I had Andie. I had to keep doing that recently. This was a mess I needed to get myself out of.
“Thank you, Dukey. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that.” Kira smiled. “I’ll tell him tomorrow. It’s a bit late now.”
“No rush.”
And there wasn’t. I might have given her a dare, but this was real life shit, as she’d said. Kira looked equal parts nervous and anxious.
“Come here.”
I put my arm out to her. She let go of my hand and shifted closer, letting me hug her. I stroked her back, reassuring her I was right there and would support her. And tried hard not to think about how perfectly she fit in my arms.
You need to stop.
I was going to have to end it with Andie. I couldn’t go through with sleeping with her. Not when all of my senses were attuned to Kira. The way her hair smelt of peaches. Her bright smile when I said something funny. The way we were always there for each other no matter what was going on in our lives. It would make me the world’s biggest dickhead if I had sex with Andie now. If we lost our virginity to each other.
“Kira,” I whispered.
“Yeah?”
“I… I think I have to break up with Andie.”
Chapter Six
Duke’s words rang in my ears. My face was buried in his chest, my arm wrapped around his back as his deep, rumbly voice washed over me. Duke’s voice had broken when he was thirteen and fuck, if it wasn’t the type which melted a girl’s bones. I was way too enamoured with everything about him. And it wasn’t something I was remotely proud of.
I shouldn’t be thinking about that. He just told me he’s breaking up with Andie.
“Why?” I whispered, not trusting my own voice.
He didn’t speak straight away. He held me tighter as if he needed my strength to admit his feelings. I could hear him breathing heavier, his emotions getting the better of him.
“Duke?”
“I don’t feel the same way she does.”
“What do you mean?”
His fingers traced a line down my spine, making me shiver in his hold.
“I like her, but… it doesn’t feel right.”
“Feel right how?”
“You’re going to think I’m being weirdly sentimental.”
I almost shoved him. I would never invalidate his feelings and he knew it. We’d never given each other shit over the serious stuff.
“I won’t.”
“She wants us to have sex and I can’t. I don’t… love her. It sounds stupid. Sex isn’t always about love. I don’t want my first time to be with someone I’m not feeling it with. I didn’t think it was such a big deal to me, but now, faced with the prospect of it actually happening, it is.”
My words got stuck in my throat. Duke didn’t love her. He’d have told me earlier if he did, but I assumed he was falling for her. Stupid of me. Everything about him and Andie made me irrational. Hearing his true feelings made me realise my jealousy was completely misplaced. I’d hated her for no good reason all this time. I already knew all of this, but it hit home to me in those moments.
“It’s okay to feel that way. It’s your choice who you decide to do it with. You should never feel pressured into it by another person. That rule applies to everyone, not just girls, you know.”
He let out a long breath, his chest deflating against mine. How long had he been carrying the weight of this around?
“Andie is right about it needing to be with someone special, but that’s not enough. I want it to be with someone I trust and truly care about. Someone who gets me.”
I pulled away from his chest to see his expression. There was an intensity to it that made me swallow. So many emotions were evident. Sadness. Resignation. But there was something else. Duke looked at me as if I was precious to him. It made my heart do funny things in my chest and my stomach churn.
“Kind of sounds like you’re describing me,” I whispered.
He gave me a soft smile.
“Is it so bad I want the person I’m with to be like our friendship but with more?”
“Have I ruined you for everyone else or something?”
I said it in a joking way, but the seriousness of Duke’s face made me question where this conversation was going. What he was trying to tell me.
“Maybe you have.” His eyes darted away. “You’re my best friend, Kira. I don’t think I’ll ever have what you and I have with anyone else, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting something similar.”
It shouldn’t be painful to hear he wanted someone like me but not me, but it was. I had to swallow down the ache in my chest, the agony it brought on, and act like it didn’t bother me. It shouldn’t. Duke and I weren’t anything other than friends. It didn’t matter if I loved him. We would never be more.
He met my eyes again, searching them for what he wanted to see. I had no idea what they were saying. My emotions were tangled up inside me. He leant closer, making me suck in air before he pressed his forehead to mine.
“You mean the world to me, you know that right?” he whispered.
“I do.”
He closed his eyes, but I kept watching him. This felt intimate in a way we’d never been before. I reminded myself whilst he’d said he was going to break up with Andie, it hadn’t happened yet. And I shouldn’t be reading into his behaviour. Duke was clearly feeling a lot of things right now. He needed me to be the strong one for him.
“I don’t want to hurt Andie. She brought up the sex thing weeks ago, but I told her I wanted to wait until mocks were finished. Now they are, I couldn’t put it off any longer. It’s supposed to happen tomorrow night.”
My arm around him tightened. He sounded so defeated and it cut me.
“I’ve been unfair to her. Letting her believe we could have a future when I’ve known for weeks she’s not who I want one with. Guess I thought it was the right thing to do because she wanted it. Like, it’s expected in a relationship to take those steps and move forward. Now, I see how fucked up that is. It’s wrong. And I’m a dick for it.”
I hated hearing him denigrate himself over his conflicting feelings.
“Hey, you’re not a dick. You’re being honest with yourself now and that’s important. She will be hurt, but it would be worse if you slept with her and then decided it wasn’t to be.”
A huge part of me was happy he didn’t want to lose his virginity to Andie. And it was a fucked up thought to have when he was spilling his guts to me. I shoved it away, knowing I was being a shitty friend in my head right now.
“I know you’re right, but I hate it all the same. A part of me regrets ever getting into a relationship with her in the first place.”
A stab of guilt ran through me. I was the one who’d dared him to kiss her. It was my single biggest regret. He’d told me he liked her, but it didn’t mean I had to dare him to make a move. It was a knee-jerk reaction. I still to this day had no idea why I’d done it.
“Do you blame me for the dare?”
He opened his eyes and pulled back, a frown appearing on his face.
“What? No. I don’t blame you for any of this. It’s my fault for allowing everything to get out of hand.”
His eyes roamed over us and the way we were tangled together. His face fell further as if he was only just realising how close we’d got. For a second he did nothing, then he slowly extracted himself from my grasp and rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. He seemed agitated by my question. I hated feeling as though he’d withdrawn from me at that moment.
“Duke—”
“I’m the one to blame. It was me who accepted your dare and me who asked her to be my girlfriend. I’m not having you take responsibility for it.”
I fell silent. No longer having his body pressed against me made me feel bereft of the closeness we shared. I had no right to feel anything of the sort. We were best friends. Nothing else.
Get your act together and be there for him. Stop wishing for things you can’t have.
Couldn’t I? Wouldn’t it be the right time to tell him how I felt once he’d ended things with her? The secret was eating me alive. It turned me into a person I didn’t recognise. When you w
eren’t honest with the person you cared about more than anything else in your life, things got fucked up. This kind of shit built an invisible wall between the two of you. I needed to knock it down. Smash through it so there was no longer anything holding either of us back.
Secrets did nothing to help anyone. They only destroyed people when the truth came to light.
I was fucking terrified, but the things which scared you the most often ended up being the best things you’ve ever done. It’s why I played this stupid game of dares with him. It made me braver. Telling Duke I loved him would be the bravest thing I’d ever do.
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of his phone going off. He sighed, pulling it out of his pocket and looking at the screen. He didn’t unlock it, merely threw it onto my bedside table and put his arm over his eyes.
“Who is it?” I asked.
“Andie.”
“You not going to see what she’s said?”
“Honestly? Don’t think I can handle it right now. Not when I know what I have to do tomorrow. No one tells you how fucking shitty it feels to know you have to break up with someone you care about because they’re not right for you.”
I reached out and stroked his arm. I could see the guilt over his feelings eating him up inside. And I really wanted to take his pain away.
“I can only imagine.”
“It’s so fucked. I’ve been going back and forth with myself over it for weeks, not knowing what choice to make. But this is the right one. I have to end it. I can’t live a lie.”
His words hit me square in the chest.
“Why didn’t you tell me before?”
“I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I was fucking ashamed of it.”
I squeezed his forearm.
“It’s me, Dukey, I’m never going to think any less of you no matter what you say.”
Whilst I knew he wasn’t perfect, I didn’t care about his flaws. They made him who he was.
“Now you’re just making me feel worse.”
I sat up, my heart burning at my lack of ability to help him.
“I’m sorry. That wasn’t my intention. I don’t like seeing you suffering, especially not in silence.”