by Sarah Bailey
He pressed a kiss to my neck. I rubbed myself against him, unable to help it. His body against mine turned me on. The sensation of his skin was addicting. I couldn’t get enough.
“Fuck,” he groaned as his other hand enclosed around my breast, thumb flicking over the nipple.
The extra sensation only made me grind against him more. I could feel him growing hard. It only made me want more. To feel him everywhere. I could get addicted to this. To him. To being with him like this. It would be fatal because we’d agreed nothing would change between us. Except in this moment, I knew everything had changed.
“Duke,” I moaned, “Don’t stop.”
“You like that?”
“Yes, yes, more, please. Fuck.”
He ground his cock into me, which was only getting harder by the second. I was lost. I needed all of it. Everything he was giving me. The way he pinched my nipple. The sensation of his fingers against my clit. I let go of his hand between my legs and gripped his forearm instead to keep myself from falling. My body writhed against his, desperate for a release.
Duke shifted, removing his fingers from my clit for a moment. I was about to protest when he pressed his cock between my legs and it slid against my pussy. Then his fingers were back on my clit. I ground myself on his cock as he touched me. It turned me on further to feel him there. To know I’d made him hard.
“Fuck, Kira,” he ground out, “So wet.”
It wasn’t enough. My pussy clenched around nothing as I was driven closer to the edge.
“Duke, please.”
“What do you need?”
“You… I need you in me. Please.”
He kissed my neck.
“Grab me a condom.”
I did as he asked, practically scrambling to pull one out of the box he’d left out on the bedside table. He had to let go of me to put it on, but he was back against me after a minute, pressing between my legs. The moment he slid inside me, I moaned. The stretch was a little uncomfortable, but not nearly as bad as the first time. His fingers on my clit helped.
“Jesus,” he groaned, “I didn’t know it would feel like this.”
I hadn’t either, but I was too far gone to respond. All my senses were burning. His cock was thrusting inside me, his fingers on my clit and the others on my breast, stroking my nipple. It overwhelmed me. Drowned me. Pulled me under. Spots formed in my vision as I let go of everything. I let the pleasure in. It seared across my skin, making me drunk off Duke and everything he was giving me.
“Oh, god, fuck,” I cried out, trembling against him, “Fuck!”
Duke continued to thrust inside me with his lips pressed to my neck, prolonging the absolute bliss. It was nothing like doing it myself. It was more than I could have ever imagined. I never wanted to come down. Never wanted it to end.
When I was wrung out and spent, I floated back to earth, my body feeling limp and my bones a puddle of goo on the bed. Duke hadn’t stopped. His hand had left my clit and curled around my hip as an anchor. His breath against my skin. His grunts and moans. All of it made me hot for him, even though I’d just come harder than I’d ever done in my life.
“Fuck. Going to… fuck.”
He thrust deep and stilled, his cock throbbing inside me with his release. His hands on my body tightened as he shuddered against my back. The deep groan of satisfaction from him vibrated through me. I don’t think any form of pleasure compared to what we’d done together. Perhaps it was my love for him intensifying the experience. I didn’t have a clue. All I knew was I couldn’t regret doing this. We’d both been drinking and Duke was consumed with guilt and grief, but no part of me felt like it was wrong.
It was Duke. And it was me. We cared about each other. We’d bonded as friends. And yes, we had crossed an invisible boundary in our friendship, which likely we shouldn’t have, but being with him like this made me happy.
Duke kissed the back of my neck one last time before he pulled out and dealt with the condom. When he came back, he held me tightly against his chest, stroking his fingers down my skin. After a few minutes, I had to get up and go to the loo. Pulling on Duke’s dressing gown, I checked the coast was clear before dashing down the hallway to the bathroom. I didn’t allow myself to reflect on what happened, nor did I allow the thoughts of the next day to intrude. Nothing would ruin this moment or this experience for me.
When I made it back into Duke’s bedroom, I locked the door again and shed his dressing gown. I crawled into his bed, allowing him to take me in his arms and kiss the top of my head. Tipping my head back, I stared up at him in the darkness. His fingers ran down my back, soothing me, making my body limber for him.
“I’m glad it was you,” he whispered.
“What was me?”
“My first… I’m glad it was you.”
My heart ached at his words. He’d told me he didn’t feel comfortable with it being Andie. Knowing he was happy it was me meant the fucking world. It shouldn’t, given everything which had happened, but it did.
“I’m glad you were mine too.”
He leant closer and captured my mouth, telling me without words what it meant to him. When he released my mouth, he didn’t pull away, merely resting his forehead against mine. Being this close to him made me feel safe, wanted and cared for. He’d been so attentive, making my pleasure a priority. Knowing Duke the way I did, I wouldn’t expect anything else. He was always sweet to me. Never invalidating my feelings or making me feel as though he didn’t care.
Neither of us said any more as we lay in each other’s arms, our foreheads pressed together with contentment washing over us. I wouldn’t allow anything to intrude on this moment. If I did, it would ruin the most perfect experience of my life. I forgot about the reasons why we’d even come to this point. The heartache, pain and grief Duke was suffering from. I could deal with those things tomorrow. I could pretend Duke was mine and he loved me the way I loved him. He did love me, but it was as a friend.
Don’t think about it. Don’t let it break you. Don’t.
To stop the thoughts, I kissed Duke again. I got lost in his mouth and his hands on my skin until the only thing I could focus on was him. On the way our bodies moulded together. On the lust and arousal twisting us up in a tangled web of need. It was all I could do to hold on to him and this time we had together.
Deep in my heart I knew come morning everything would change. There would be consequences for us acting on our selfish desires tonight. For allowing our inhibitions to fall away under the influence of a cocktail of alcohol, suffering, grief and pain. And no matter the promises we’d made, things would never be the same between us again.
Chapter Fifteen
The moment I awoke still cradled in arms I’d yearned to be enfolded in for as long as I could remember, my heart thumped wildly in my chest. The warmth of him seeped into me, soothing my soul and giving me a profound sense of contentment. I snuggled deeper into his embrace, never wanting to leave the safety of his body. The place I felt like home.
My body brushing against his made me aware we were both naked. The memory of what we’d done last night seeped into my brain. The images of his body plunging into mine had my nerve endings tingling. The passion we’d shared had me swallowing hard. And I registered the ache in my temples, signalling an oncoming headache.
What the fuck did we do?
In the light of day, the whole idea of us sleeping together when we were just friends was absurd. Didn’t matter how much I’d wanted it, Duke was my best friend and we’d had sex. That wasn’t normal.
What the hell? Who does that?
I removed my hand from his back and rubbed my face. My head hurt from the alcohol we’d consumed last night. My body ached in a way it never had before, particularly between my legs. And I wondered what we’d been thinking. The problem was, I don’t think either of us had. Duke was consumed with his grief and guilt. I was desperate to make him feel better. It had been a recipe for
disaster.
Why didn’t I stop it?
I knew the answer. The bloody answer cut me so deep, I wasn’t sure I could recover from it. I did it for selfish reasons. I might have used the excuse I was helping him, but it wasn’t the truth. Having sex with Duke had everything to do with how in love with him I was. For the first time in our friendship, Duke had looked at me like I was a woman. A desirable woman. One he wanted to be intimate with. I’d allowed myself to get lost in his eyes. In the fantasy of him loving me in the way I loved him. But that wasn’t the truth. Duke didn’t feel that way about me at all. He needed comfort. He needed pleasure to help him with his pain. He needed to feel safe.
I was Duke’s safety net. The one who’d be there for him when things got tough. The person who’d risk her heart just to make him feel better. Is it any fucking wonder he’d wanted it to be me? The girl he could rely on to not make it complicated afterwards. Who wouldn’t ask him for more, especially not while he was consumed with grief.
What type of girl allows her best friend to have sex with her less than a week after his girlfriend kills herself?
Apparently, I was that type of girl. And I felt fucked up for it. I’d been the safe option for Duke. He’d told me he wanted it to be with a girl he trusted and cared for.
Who did he care for as a friend more than me?
Nobody.
For Duke, it would have been an easy decision. For me, it was too. But I was still the one left suffering because I’d had a taste of what it could be like with him. The knowledge of what passion could be like between us had me wanting to cry all over his chest.
He wasn’t even awake yet. I had no idea how he was going to act or what he’d say to me. Yet, I couldn’t help the sinking feeling in my stomach. The sense of impending dread.
How on earth could we be the same after this?
Could I lock up all my feelings in my heart all over again and pretend I didn’t love him?
Could I?
“Morning,” came his deep, rumbly voice, vibrating over my skin.
“Morning,” I whispered.
“My head fucking hurts.”
It hardly surprised me, given how much we’d had to drink yesterday.
“Mine does too.”
He shifted away, rolling onto his back. I looked up in time to see him press his hand to his face. His other arm was still underneath me, his hand splayed out across my lower back. I stared at him, taking in his bare chest where the covers had slid off him. Duke had taken after Xav in the looks department, though his hair had been as blonde as Ash’s when he was younger. Now it was somewhere in between Xav’s and Ash’s hair colour. A light auburn. I’d always thought he was handsome. You couldn’t fail to notice Duke and his family. They were all striking in their own right. And there was never any doubt who fathered who. The four siblings all took after their dads.
“Do you want a shower or something?” he murmured, dropping his hand from his face and glancing at me.
Were we not even going to talk about what we’d done last night?
“Guess so.”
“Hopefully Rora isn’t hogging it, though I’m sure one of my dads won’t mind you using theirs.”
I had done in the past. They only had one bathroom downstairs for the kids, but upstairs, they had four en-suites attached to their bedrooms.
“Okay.”
I felt deflated, knowing he didn’t want to address the fact we’d slept together, until he reached out and tucked my hair behind my ear. His blue eyes were intent on me, studying my face with an almost frown.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I said all too quickly.
“Kira…”
I looked away, hating the way he read me so well at that moment.
“What we did… shouldn’t we talk about it?”
His fingers brushed along my jaw.
“Do we need to? You said you didn’t want anything to change.”
“I don’t.”
And it was the truth. I wanted our friendship to remain intact. It’s all I ever wanted.
Why did it still hurt?
Why did my chest feel constricted, as if I couldn’t breathe properly any longer?
You’re an idiot.
“I don’t regret what happened if that’s what you’re worried about. I meant what I said last night. You’re the person I care about most in the world. Why would I have ever wanted it to be with anyone else?”
My heart stuttered at his words, my eyes immediately flicking up to his and finding the sincerity in his expression.
“You wanted it to be me?”
“Well, yeah, Kira. You think it didn’t mean anything to me?” He pulled his arm out from underneath me and sat up before rubbing his face with his hands. “Shit, you know me better than that. I value you and our friendship above everything else. We might have been drinking, but I knew what I was doing when I kissed you.”
He sounded like I’d accused him of using me when it hadn’t been like that at all.
“I don’t think that.”
His eyes met mine again. The pain in them had me biting down on the inside of my cheek.
“Then what?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t bullshit me. You can do that to anyone else, but not to me.”
How on earth could I tell him the truth? That I loved him and I wanted it to be more. I wanted us to be more. There was no way I could utter those words. Not after everything which had happened in the past week. It wouldn’t be fair to put that on him.
“Are we going to ignore it and pretend like it never happened?”
“No. I can’t pretend we didn’t have sex. Do you want to? I mean, you can’t even say it, can you?”
I swallowed. This conversation hadn’t gone remotely the way I expected it to.
“I can.”
He gave me a look. I tugged the covers higher, feeling super exposed and a little awkward.
“I dare you to say it.”
“It’s my turn to dare you.”
He’d issued the last dare. As per our agreement, we took turns and it was mine.
“Kira.”
The warning note in his voice made me shrink back slightly. I didn’t know why he was pushing this issue. What did it matter if I said it? Would it make me feel better to say it out loud? No, no, it wouldn’t.
“I don’t want to say it.”
He stared at me for a long moment.
“Do you want to forget it happened?”
I shook my head. It’s not like I could. How could you erase the most intense experience of your life from your memories? It didn’t work like that.
“Then what do you want? I promised this wouldn’t change anything between us. You’re the one making it weird.”
“How can it be anything but weird? You’ve seen me naked.”
He waved a hand at me.
“And? You’ve seen me too. It doesn’t change how I see you.”
“How do you see me?”
“As both my best friend and a beautiful woman.”
I almost choked. Duke had never referred to me as beautiful before. I had no idea he saw me that way.
“You think I’m beautiful?” I whispered. I didn’t trust my voice not to come out shaky.
He raised an eyebrow.
“Of course, I do.”
“You’ve never said it.”
His eyes went wide. Then he moved closer, tucking his fingers under my chin so I couldn’t look away.
“I don’t see you as an object to stare at or leer over. You’re more than that. You’re stunning inside and out. I thought it was a fucking given.”
“Not to me.”
His grip on my chin tightened.
“What do you want me to say, Kira? What do you need to hear from me, huh? Because right now, you’re confusing the shit out of me.”
He searched my face, making me aware of
how his face was inches away from mine. The heat of his body had my senses on fire. I could smell sex on both of us and it made it that much harder to think straight.
“I don’t know.”
“You do. What’s going on in your head?”
“How can you find me beautiful when you look like you do?”
The words came out in a rush.
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“No, I’m asking you what the fuck that means.”
“Look at you, Duke. You could have any girl you wanted. Literally. Girls stare at you all the time.”
His brows turned down and his expression grew concerned like it hadn’t occurred to him just how attractive he was.
“What on earth does that have anything to do with the way I see you?”
“Because I’m nothing compared to you.”
His eyes went wide before narrowing. His mouth thinned and his grip on my face became almost painful.
“Are you fucking delusional, Kira? I think you need to take a damn look in the mirror. Or maybe you need me to show you just how beautiful you are so you never ever make a ridiculous comparison like that again.”
My heart thumped, my fingers curling into the covers at the angry note in his voice.
“You are not and have never been nothing.”
“Duke…”
“If you’re about to rebuke my statement, you can save it.”
I didn’t have time to even take a breath. Duke practically ripped me out of the bed and forced me over to the full-length mirror on one of his wardrobe doors. He stood behind me, holding my face and making me look at myself.
“Do you see this?” His hand curled around my hip. “This girl right here is a goddamn fucking queen. She’s brave, strong, kind and caring. She goes above and beyond for the people she loves. She shares their burdens when they’re suffering. She is amazing.”
Tears welled in my eyes. I felt so exposed in front of that mirror and yet Duke’s presence at my back kept me standing there. I stared at myself and took in his words, trying to see what he did.
“You do not need validation from me or anyone else, do you hear me?”