by Sarah Bailey
He met my eyes in the mirror. I trembled at the potent stare he gave me. The one which told me he was deadly serious.
“I hear you.”
“I want you to say it.”
“I don’t need validation from anyone else.”
He released my chin only to stroke his fingers down my neck.
“And?”
“I’m a queen.”
“Too fucking right you are.”
My breath caught in my throat when he stepped closer. His gaze turned heated and I could feel his arousal digging into me. Feel his… cock.
“Now, I think I issued you a dare. Are you going to chicken out?”
The hand he’d wrapped around my hip shifted, splaying out over my stomach and pressing me back against him. I swallowed.
“We had sex.”
“Was that so hard?”
“No.”
It hadn’t been. Not really.
“Being each other’s first is something we’ll always share and that’s a good thing. We’re not going to let this fuck up our friendship, right?”
I nodded. Duke gave me a look in the mirror.
“No, we’re not going to allow it to ruin anything.”
I could do that. Or at least, try to. Even when we argued, we never let anything tear us apart. We’d known each other too long and too well to allow such things.
“Good. I’ll go check the bathroom is free and you can have a shower first, yeah?”
Whilst I felt tense and unnerved by everything we’d said this morning, I had to put those aside. Duke needed us to be normal. And in all honesty, so did I.
I’d meant what I said to him last night. I needed us. Losing Duke would hurt too much. He was my rock. I would put aside the fact we’d had sex and move forward. It was the only thing I could do under the circumstances. Duke didn’t love me the way I loved him. I’d accepted it a long time ago. I would have to keep reminding myself of it. It didn’t matter if we’d slept together. It changed nothing. I couldn’t let it. The alternative was too fucking painful to even consider.
Duke and I would be okay. We would move past this. I had to believe that.
For his sake.
And mine.
Chapter Sixteen
I stood at the graveside watching them lower Andie’s coffin into the ground and I’d never felt more alone in my entire life. It shouldn’t be the case. My entire family surrounded me and Kira stood next to me, her hand clasped tightly in mine. And yet an overwhelming sense of sadness encompassed me.
Whilst Andie’s body had been released to the family, the police and the coroner were still conducting investigations into her death. An inquest would be held. They were currently hunting down her brother to interview him. He’d disappeared and the army had marked him as absent without leave. There was no doubt in my mind he was the last person to see Andie alive.
Out of courtesy, Andie’s parents told me about the inquest and Wyatt. It was my information that had cast doubt on whether Andie had committed suicide or not. It should matter to me how she’d died and why, but it didn’t. As far as I was concerned, the whole thing was fucked up beyond belief and thinking about it only made me hate myself for not responding to Andie’s text messages. This had been compounded by the guilt I felt over having been intimate with Kira only a week after Andie’s death. That had been two weeks ago.
For the first week, things had been different between us no matter how hard we tried to pretend otherwise. I saw her in a new way. How couldn’t I? The memory of her body against mine. The way she looked at me. How she’d moaned my name. As if I needed those reminders. They only confirmed to me the truth behind my feelings. I loved Kira so fucking much. It was physically painful to look at her.
Gradually, things were shifting back to the way they’d been between us before we’d had sex. I’m sure it would take time. They had to. Neither of us wanted to lose each other. I wasn’t in a fit state to be in a relationship with anyone as it was. Not that a relationship between me and Kira was on the cards. She’d made me promise we’d remain friends. I’d stick by that no matter what.
Perhaps it was easier for the both of us to ignore the glaringly obvious attraction we shared. To act like it didn’t make everything infinitely more complicated. I’d loved Kira most of my life. I could continue to pretend I didn’t and it not be an issue, couldn’t I? It might still have worked if I hadn’t slept with her. If I hadn’t given pieces of myself to the girl who ruled my entire fucking world. I couldn’t get them back. They were embedded inside her. No other person could ever have those parts of me. They belonged to Kira and Kira alone.
None of it mattered. I had to sort my shit out. It meant not wishing for more between her and me. And to deal with my guilt over Andie. I didn’t know how, but I could try.
Kira squeezed my hand as people moved away from Andie’s grave. A few of them threw flowers into it. I wanted to be away from here. To not deal with people coming up to me and offering their condolences. I still didn’t think I deserved them.
“Can we go?” I whispered to Kira.
She tugged me away from the crowd and my family. We stood outside the church gates together. Kira didn’t initiate any conversation. She knew I didn’t want to talk. Besides, she was fully aware of all the guilt I suffered with when it came to Andie. Going over it wouldn’t help me.
When my parents met us a few minutes later. We walked with them to the cars. The drive to where they were holding the wake at a local community centre was silent. My parents weren’t really sure how to deal with me. I’d not been very communicative with anyone, preferring to keep my feelings locked down. Whilst they knew I’d been planning to break up with Andie, they all assumed I was dealing with my grief over it. It was partially true, but the Kira stuff was making me feel worse. And yes, it created more guilt on my part. The cocktail of feelings was suffocating. It drowned me under a sea of self-hatred and blame. I couldn’t discuss it with them. No one could know.
I found myself standing by the food table with Raphi after we’d been at the wake for half an hour. The two of us piled up our plates before sitting down at an empty table near the back of the room. For a few minutes, neither of us spoke. I picked at the food and stared out across the room. The mood was sombre, but that was hardly surprising.
“Well, this is depressing,” Raphi said with a sigh.
“What did you expect?”
“Not this. Shouldn’t it be about remembering the good times?”
I sat back and eyed him warily. Neither of us had been to a funeral before.
“Don’t know, probably.”
Raphi looked to our left, finding Cole sliding into a seat next to him with his own plate. Our thirteen-year-old brother hadn’t wanted to come to this, but Mum had insisted we all go.
“This is boring,” he muttered before shoving a mini sausage roll into his mouth.
“It’s a funeral, not supposed to be fun,” Raphi told him.
“I asked Mum when we can leave, but she was all like, ‘just be patient, Cole, we’re here to pay our respects to Andie’s parents.’ I didn’t even know them.”
“You knew Andie though.”
Cole gave Raphi a sour look.
“She was boring.”
Didn’t bother me to hear him say that. It’s not like he’d had a huge amount of interaction with Andie. Besides, right now, I wasn’t in the mood to defend her. My mind was too full of other things.
“Is everyone boring to you or something?”
Cole shrugged.
“Pretty much.”
“No wonder you don’t have any friends.”
“Shut up.”
My little brother had always been more solitary than most. He didn’t suffer fools lightly. Mum accused the rest of us of ganging up on Cole because he was the baby, but he could take it. That boy had a fucking iron will and confidence in spades. I admired him for it, even if I’d never tell him
.
“Both of you shut up,” I muttered.
“Why are you grumpy?” Cole asked, giving me a sideways look.
“How about I’m at a funeral for my girlfriend, that reason enough for you?”
“Suppose so.”
Raphi reached out and squeezed my shoulder. He got it. Raphi was sensitive as fuck. It’s why I felt the need to protect him. Cole could handle himself. If anyone gave him shit, he’d give it right back. Raphi was too quiet and introspective. He hated confrontation. I always stood up for him. My protective nature came from my dad.
I turned away from the two of them, my eyes falling on Kira who was standing with my dad and Eric on the other side of the room talking to someone I didn’t recognise. She was pretty close with my dad. It didn’t surprise me she was with him. She’d put her hair up today. Seeing her neck reminded me of the night we’d been together. When I’d kissed her skin and held her from behind. When I’d been inside her with my hands all over her body. Fuck, she’d felt amazing. The whole experience had been bliss. It’d been the one time I hadn’t felt guilt or pain in weeks.
What the fuck? That’s inappropriate. Don’t think about sex with Kira at Andie’s funeral.
“You okay, Duke?” Raphi asked, shaking me from my thoughts.
“Not really.”
My eyes were still on Kira. I couldn’t look away. The fact she was wearing a dress, which she rarely ever did, had me swallowing hard. It highlighted every curve she had.
Raphi leant closer to me and lowered his voice so Cole wouldn’t hear his words.
“Why are you staring at Kira?”
“I’m not.”
“Yeah, okay, whatever you say.”
I glanced at him, feeling annoyed.
“I was watching our dads.”
Raphi raised a single chestnut eyebrow, his fingers fiddling with his glasses. The look in his eyes told me he didn’t believe a word I’d said. He knew I was staring at Kira and he probably knew exactly why.
“Shut up, Raphi.”
I scowled and turned away, hating he’d caught me in the act. Where the hell had my self-control gone? Out the fucking window, clearly. Things had been easier before this happened. Before I’d kissed my best friend. Before I fucking well knew what it was like to have her beneath me, squirming and writhing. Before I’d made her come. Nothing could have ever prepared me for that experience. And I wanted it again.
I couldn’t afford to keep having these thoughts. It would fuck everything up between us.
“I’m not judging.”
“I don’t care. I’m not talking about this.”
“Okay, okay… but if you need to, I’m here.”
I wanted to say thank you, but I was in too much of a shitty mood. Everyone could just fuck off as far as I was concerned. I didn’t want to be here. Didn’t want to feel or deal with this. The sooner we could leave, the better. Then I could lock all of this away and forget about it.
From across the room, Kira turned and met my eyes. She gave me a smile which made my heart race. The way her eyes lit up had my fist clenching on the table. The desire to cross the room, take her in my arms and hold on tight ripped through me. I stayed where I was, giving her a smile back.
I love you, Kira Willis. You are the perfect girl for me.
I was absolutely fucked. There was no way for me to deny I felt this way about her.
And it was at that moment I realised no one else could ever match up to Kira in my eyes. I wouldn’t love anyone else the way I did her. I couldn’t. She was unique and perfect in every single way.
The only way I’d survive with our friendship intact was to take my feelings, bury them deep inside me and never allow them to resurface. I’d need distractions and other things to occupy myself… other girls. As much as it killed me to even think about being with anyone else, if I couldn’t be with Kira, I had no other choice.
From today onwards, I wasn’t going to be the Duke everyone knew me to be. He was gone. Or, at least, he was locked away. If I was going to move on, then he needed to stay there so he couldn’t tempt me into confessing to Kira. That would only spell disaster for both of us.
This was the only way I knew how to go on with my life. The only way I knew how to keep us from breaking apart.
I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you, Kira, but to keep you by my side as my best friend, I can’t let you see what’s in my heart. I can’t give you that part of me.
And I hated myself for all of it.
Part II
deviate
verb, de·vi·at·ed, de·vi·at·ing.
to turn aside, as from a route, way, course, etc.
Chapter Seventeen
Two years later
I stood in the middle of the school playground for the very last time as a student, watching the kids milling around and wondering how the past couple of years had gone by in the blink of an eye. It could only be described as a haze of studying, exams and girls. I had a reputation now. One I wasn’t sure if I loved or hated.
Being branded a manwhore by the girls at school hadn’t hindered me. In fact, I think they saw it as a challenge.
Who could tame Duke Scott first?
The answer was easy. None of them. No one could pierce through my ice-cold exterior and find their way into my heart. It already belonged to someone. The girl I’d loved forever. And the one I was stood waiting for right now.
In the weeks and months following the disaster my life had turned into when I was plunged into a pit of despair, things had got no better. Andie’s death had been officially ruled a suicide after the inquest. They hadn’t tracked down her brother. He’d disappeared entirely. There was still a cloud of suspicion over him and what happened the night Andie died. I couldn’t say I’d got over my guilt, but I’d buried it so fucking deep, it wouldn’t resurface any time soon. There was no getting closure for me. Not when the mystery surrounding her death still remained.
What did I do to forget about it?
Drowned myself in a sea of girls, partying, drinking and doing increasingly reckless things with Kira. Just last weekend Kira had dared me to steal the keys of Quinn’s pride and joy, his Lamborghini. We’d taken it out on the motorway and almost got caught speeding. I got in a shit ton of trouble over it, although Dad had laughed and told Quinn to lighten up. Let’s just say it hadn’t gone down very well with Quinn. If Mum hadn’t broken it up, I swear they would have ended up beating the shit out of each other. It wouldn’t be the first time. Eric told me when they were younger, they were always at each other’s throats, not to mention competing with each other over stupid stuff all the time. It was a wonder my parents had stayed together after all this time. To say I had an unusual family would be an understatement.
A lot of people had given us shit for having five parents. Raphi had got the worst of it. After it got reported to the school when Miles Anders and his idiot friends beat my brother up, the headteacher launched this huge anti-bullying campaign. Fuck lot of good it had done. We still got snide remarks. Miles got expelled, but not before I gave him a black eye for daring to put hands on my little brother. Fucker should have known better than to mess with my family. We protected each other no matter what. It’s something our parents instilled in us. Keep your family safe and make sure no one fucks with them.
Those protective instincts of mine extended to Kira. She was a part of the family. Both she and her dad, Stan were as far as I was concerned. I’d never let anything happen to either of them. I might dare Kira to do stupid shit, but it was never dangerous.
Did you forget daring her to climb up on the roof of her house with you?
I might have done that. She was shit scared of falling off, but I’d kept her safe. There was this flat ledge we’d sat on with our legs dangling off the side. Probably not my smartest of dares, but it was worth it. It’d been a clear night. We’d sat in silence, listening to the sounds of London in the dark. It was the most
peaceful I’d been in a long time.
I felt a hand on my arm. Looking down, I found Kira smiling up at me with those beautiful coppery eyes of hers. Her hair was different now. It’s another thing I’d dared her to do. Her previously long, light brown hair was now shoulder length with blonde highlights running through it. She had these beachy waves today, which made her look gorgeous as fuck. Not that she didn’t all the time to me.
“Hey,” I murmured, forgetting myself for a moment as I got lost in her smile.
I’d tried to bury my feelings for Kira. Tried to forget the way she felt under my hands. No one matched up to her. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed sex as much as the next guy, but with Kira, it had been different. There was a level of intensity I didn’t share with anyone else. Probably because I didn’t really care about the girls I’d fucked. They were a means to an end. My way of coping with my shit. Something about being wanted and needed for a short amount of time helped soothe the dull ache of loneliness and despair in my chest.
I’d fully admit I was using them. It was wrong. I knew that. I’m pretty sure my parents disapproved of my behaviour, but none of them had lectured me on it. It’s almost like I’d got a free pass with them because of the whole Andie thing. I’d overheard my dad talking to Eric one day about me, saying how my coping mechanisms in response to trauma were the same as his. Drinking and fucking. Just another way they all compared me to my father like we were carbon copies of each other. And it pissed me off.
My dad was an amazing person, no question about it. He’d been there for me in a way no one else had during the months after Andie’s death. He understood what it was like to have someone ripped out of your life so violently. I might not have seen Andie’s body after she died in the way he’d seen his mother and sister, but I felt the pain of losing someone I cared about. Not to mention the guilt over it, which he’d felt too. It took him a long time to forgive himself for not being able to save them.