Our Darkest Dare

by Sarah Bailey

  I didn’t have a choice in the matter, though. There was paperwork and other things to go through with the hospital. By the time I got done with all of it, I was dead on my feet. Tomorrow I’d have to contact the funeral home and have Dad moved from the mortuary. Then I’d also have to register his death. All of it felt far too exhausting to even think about.

  Duke took me back to his house. I couldn’t face being in mine. Not when all I had were memories of my father. His death was too raw. Too new.

  When we got through the front door, all five of his parents were there and his siblings. Each of them hugged me and offered their condolences. They’d all known my father, so their apologies were real. The loss I’d suffered was immeasurable.

  I didn’t break down until we reached Duke’s room. My knees almost buckled. Duke had to grab my arm to stop me from falling. He guided me over to his bed and set me down on it. I curled up in the foetal position, burying my face in my knees. Duke covered me with a blanket and stroked my hair. I didn’t cry, but the pain was all too real and intense. I was exhausted from having very little sleep for the past couple of days. Worn down by everything.

  “Do you need anything?” he whispered.

  I shook my head. There was nothing anyone could do for me. Not whilst grief and bone-weary tiredness consumed me.

  “I just want to sleep.”

  He pressed a kiss to my forehead.

  “That’s okay. I’m going to get you some water for when you wake up, then I’ll be back.”

  I didn’t want to be alone, but I didn’t stop him from going. He wouldn’t be away for long.

  What the fuck would I do without him? He’d stayed by my side the whole time in the hospital, keeping me from falling into a pit of despair. He’d picked me up and put me back together when I cried. It was almost as if Duke was repaying me the favour after what he went through with Andie’s death. He understood the effects of grief and how it devoured your entire being. I don’t think anything could have prepared me for losing my parent though.

  I’d lost my mum when I’d been too young to understand. Now, I was technically an adult and my dad was gone. My whole family had disappeared from my life. I was the last surviving member. I had a legacy to carry, even though I wanted no part of it. There were no male descendants. Now my father was gone, I would become Baroness Suffield whether or not I liked it. Duke couldn’t inherit my title, regardless of the fact he was my husband. Not sure I would have wanted to deal with that situation, anyway. It was bad enough I had to become part of the nobility without involving him in it too.

  I must’ve fallen asleep before Duke came back from the kitchen out of sheer exhaustion because the next time I regained consciousness, it was dark outside. Duke was asleep next to me, his chest rising and falling at a steady pace. I wondered if he’d stayed with me all day whilst I slept.

  I was still in all of my clothes. I got up and went to the loo before draining the glass of water on the bedside table when I got back. Stripping out of my clothes, I put on pyjamas and padded out into the kitchen to refill my glass. I found Xav and Eric leaning up against the counter talking to each other. They fell silent when they saw me.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey, Kira, how are you feeling?” Eric asked.

  Xav put his arm out to me. I set my glass down on the counter before going over to him. He wrapped me up in his arms.

  “I’m okay,” I finally replied after a minute, “As okay as I can be, anyway.”

  “Want something to eat? You’ve been asleep all day.”

  I nodded against Xav’s chest. Eric must have seen as he moved away towards the fridge.

  “Duke asleep?” Xav asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “He’s been keeping an eye on you. I could barely get him to leave your side at dinner time.”

  I will admit my chest hurt with the knowledge Duke worried about me that much. He really was the sweetest. The way he cared about the people he loved had me in knots.

  “He just cares.”

  I pulled away from Xav, shrugging as I did it. Xav gave me a look which basically said there was far more to Duke’s care than that.

  “I think you’ll find my son loves you, Kira. He wouldn’t do this for anyone else.”

  I shuffled my feet. Sure, Duke loved me as a friend, I knew that, but whether it had turned to romantic love, I had no clue. You didn’t have to love a person to want to sleep with them. Until Duke told me how he felt himself, I wouldn’t make any assumptions.

  “You sure about that?”

  “I’m sure he’d give his own life in place of yours. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.”

  “You have a rather violent concept of love.”

  Xav snorted and ruffled my hair.

  “When you’ve lived like we have, normal and morally sound doesn’t apply.”

  I didn’t ask what he meant. They’d often hinted at their past being dark and twisted. It wouldn’t change how I felt about them if they ever revealed the truth to me. Growing up in their household had only shown me they were the type of family who would protect their own at all costs.

  “Don’t mind him,” Eric said, “Xav’s perfectly capable of the regular old sappy love. Just check out his chest tattoo. If that’s not romantic, I don’t know what is.”

  “Shut up, E. Your version of love is far more over the top than mine.”

  I laughed, the noise sounding odd to my ears after being surrounded by grief and sadness for days. The tattoo Eric was referring to happened to be a heart with an A and an E entwined in the centre. Not to mention the one Xav had on his hand to signify his almost lifelong friendship with Quinn, Rory and Eric. He’d had four Aces tattooed, but instead of As, they had a Q, R, E and X on them. Xav told me he got that for their first anniversary after they’d met Ash.

  “Is it? Just because I treat our girlfriend like the queen she is, doesn’t make me over the top.”

  “Yeah, okay. How about you treat me to some of that shit you’re giving her, hmm?”

  I grinned as I watched Eric roll his eyes.

  “You would tell me to get fucked if I did that.”

  Xav shrugged.

  “Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t appreciate it.”

  “You’re such a contrary fucker, Xavi.”

  Xav stuck his tongue out at Eric.

  “That’s why you love me.”

  These two bickering was completely normal. Usually, Ash would break them up, but she wasn’t around. I wasn’t about to step in. Having them argue this way gave me some normalcy on what had been a completely insane day.

  “Hmm, you use that against me an awful lot.”

  “All’s fair in love and war.”

  Whilst the two of them were talking, Eric had been whipping me up some scrambled eggs and toast. He put it all on a plate and set it in front of the stools they had around the kitchen island, along with a glass of water.

  “Thank you,” I said as I sat down and dug in.

  I hadn’t realised how hungry I was until I started eating.

  “You want to start a war with me now, do you?” Eric asked Xav before turning to me. “You’re welcome, let me know if you want anything else. There are custard tarts in the fridge.”

  “What? No,” Xav retorted, “We both know who would win.”

  Eric picked up a tea towel and swatted Xav with it. It prompted Xav to chase him around the kitchen, trying to get him back. I grinned whilst I ate my eggs. Duke’s parents could be like big children at times, especially Xav.

  “I swear to god you are such a cheeky little shit,” Xav almost outright growled when Eric kept evading him.

  “Maybe I do it on purpose.”

  “I am so going to make you pay.”

  Eventually, Eric let Xav catch him. I was witness to a rather passionate display of affection between the two of them.

  “Is this my punishment?” Eric asked after Xav released h
im.

  “No, I’m not punishing you in front of Kira. She’d tell Duke we were being inappropriate, then I wouldn’t hear the end of it.”

  “My lips are sealed. Not weird for me, you’re not my parents,” I said, setting my knife and fork down. I’d wolfed down my food, I was that hungry.

  “Might as well be given the amount of time you spend here.”

  Xav gave me a wink to let me know he was joking.

  “Oh well, I suppose as surrogate parents, you’re not so bad.”

  “We try our best.”

  I refused to think about how I didn’t have either of my real parents any longer. It would only cause me to burst into tears. Right now, I wanted to focus on being okay, even if it was just for a little while.

  I hopped off my stool and put everything in the dishwasher.

  “I think I’m going to get some more sleep,” I told the two of them.

  We said goodnight and I ambled back off to Duke’s bedroom. He was still fast asleep. I crawled under the covers and tucked myself against his side. My hand curled around his stomach, needing physical contact between us. For a while, I watched him sleeping as it evaded me. I wasn’t exactly tired any longer, but the day’s events had still worn on me.

  “Do you think we could ever be real?” I whispered into the silent air, “Like a real couple?”

  He didn’t stir.

  “I don’t know how you truly feel about me. Do you love me, Duke? Do you feel the things I do? The thing is, I love you. I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember. It hurts to feel this way when I have no idea if I should.”

  I didn’t know why I felt the need to talk to him when he was fast asleep. To voice aloud all the things I had kept inside. I wished it made sense.

  “Sometimes I think we were never meant to be more than just friends. We made everything complicated when we crossed the line into something else. Now, I have no idea what to do or whether we should pursue this further,” I sighed, “We’re married… and… the thing is… I want it to be real. It’s not just my grief talking. I want us to be real.”

  The truth cut me to the core. I desperately wanted Duke and me to try to make a go of it. I needed it. We’d been dancing around this shit for far too long. One way or another, we would have to talk about this, preferably when Duke wasn’t asleep. If I could stop being a coward, I could perhaps finally know for sure whether Duke and I could move beyond friendship into an actual relationship with each other.

  It was on that note I got comfortable next to him and closed my eyes. There were far more important things I had to be worrying about tomorrow. I’d have to pull myself together and focus on dealing with my father’s death and everything I had to sort out because of it.

  Chapter Thirty Four

  The day of Stan’s funeral came around in the blink of an eye. Kira had been so focused on sorting all the paperwork and everything else related to her father’s death, the days had melded into each other. I’d helped her as best I could, but Kira had been pretty determined to keep busy. It didn’t help we were both preparing for university at the same time. There were still a few weeks to go. I wouldn’t be leaving home. There was no accommodation to organise. Kira had more to do than me, what with having to deal with her father’s will, probate and all sorts of other legal shit. I didn’t envy her in the slightest. The only thing she’d left for me to sort out was getting our marriage registered here so it would be legally recognised, which I had done.

  Stan had set out instructions for his funeral, which meant Kira didn’t have a huge amount to organise. Something she was very thankful for. She was sitting next to me in the front of the room at the crematorium. On the other side of me sat my parents and my siblings. Behind us were Stan’s former colleagues and friends. Kira had said hello to a lot of the politicians in attendance, many of whom I’d seen on the news, but never met in person. One of them had congratulated her on inheriting her title, which I thought was in poor taste at a funeral. Kira’s tight smile told me everything. She found talking to these people incredibly uncomfortable.

  Kira took a breath and stood up before walking over to the podium. A minute later, the room fell silent. She stared down at the papers in her hands. I worried about how she’d cope leading the service.

  “Hello, everyone. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Kira, Stanley’s daughter.” She took a breath. “First, I would like to thank you all for attending today. I know Dad would have appreciated it.”

  Kira looked like she wanted to throw up, but she shoved it down.

  “My father lived a selfless life, always thinking about others before himself. His career was his pride and joy, except for me, of course.” She gave a slight smile. “Stanley Willis achieved so many things in his time in politics. He fought for justice and equality. He believed in helping the little people. It’s something he always prided himself on, giving a voice to those who weren’t able to speak for themselves.”

  She went on to talk further about his political career. I knew she wasn’t worried about this part. It was the things she would have to say later which had her tied up in knots.

  “I didn’t grow up knowing my mother, but my dad always told me she was a woman of many talents. She supported him in all his endeavours.” She looked back at the coffin holding her father. “I hope you’re with her now, Dad. It’s what you wanted, to be reunited with Mum.”

  A tear slipped down Kira’s cheek. My gut twisted. She sucked in air, but when she tried to speak again, a small sob emitted from her lips. I couldn’t take seeing her struggling. Before my dad, who was sat next to me, could stop me, I was out of my seat. I rounded the podium and wrapped an arm around Kira.

  “Hey, it’s okay,” I whispered, “You’ve got this.”

  “I can’t,” she whispered back, burying her face in my blazer, “It’s too hard.”

  “Do you want me to read the rest?”

  She nodded. I wanted to kiss the top of her head, but I refrained.

  “Go sit next to Dad.”

  I directed her around the podium towards the front row. When she sat next to my dad, who gave her some tissues and comforted Kira, I looked down at her notes.

  “Hi, everyone, I’m Kira’s friend, Duke, and I’m going to try to get through the rest of this on her behalf.”

  I scanned the page, finding where she’d got to.

  “Dad told me very recently my mother had always wanted a girl. She had a rocking chair she’d sit in during her pregnancy, rubbing her stomach and telling the baby growing inside her how one day she’d grow up into a strong, powerful woman. He said my mother’s prediction came true. I’m not sure I believe him, but he always saw the best in me even when I couldn’t.”

  I tried not to get choked up at Kira’s words on the page. Stan had been her biggest champion.

  “My dad was the kind of man who encouraged those around him to go after their dreams. He taught me kindness, compassion, and to always keep learning and growing. It was his generous spirit that made him loved by many. I could tell you a hundred stories about his life and the things he did, but nothing matters more than how he loved. And he loved me most of all.”

  Kira looked up from my dad’s shoulder and met my eyes. I could see the appreciation in her expression.

  “I’m sure he will be missed by many. I know I will miss the man who raised me, who made me laugh and smile. The man who taught my best friend to play chess and welcomed him into our small family with open arms.”

  I couldn’t fight the small smile forming on my face at that part.

  “The best friend whose family did the same for me and Dad. They’re sitting in the front row today. Dad always appreciated everything you did for me, and he would have wanted me to thank you on his behalf. Thank you for taking his daughter in and showing her family doesn’t necessarily mean blood. It’s the people who support you and love you, no matter what. The ones who stand behind you when you’re l
ost and alone. They’re your true family.”

  I clenched my fist to stem the tidal wave of emotion inside me. Kira had become a big part of my crazy family. How could I ever think it would be a bad thing for us to be together? The girl I loved with every inch of my being. Even though she’d just lost her father, I wanted to take her in my arms and tell her how much she meant to me. I kept that shit locked down. We were at her father’s funeral. This wasn’t about me and her right now.

  I read the rest of her speech before inviting one of Stan’s close friends up to do a reading. When I sat back down next to Kira, she wrapped her arms around me.

  “Thank you,” she whispered.

  I stroked her back. Kira had been through an emotional minefield. I was going to do what I could to help her through this.

  After all the proceedings were over, we had to go to the wake. Kira looked exhausted halfway through the event. She’d had to deal with all of Stan’s friends and work colleagues speaking to her, sharing stories about her father and reminiscing. I wanted to take her home but knew I couldn’t.

  “You sure Kira’s okay?”

  I looked over at Raphi, who was next to me with a glass of juice in his hand.

  “No, but not like I can tear her away. She has to be here.”

  “Can’t imagine what she’s going through.”

  It wasn’t the same as having a parent die, but I understood loss.

  “I can tell you it’s shit.”

  Raphi gave me a sympathetic look. I wouldn’t deny this whole thing reminded me of when Andie died.

  “What’s going on between you and Kira?”

  I glanced at him with a raised eyebrow.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Ever since you two got back from New York, she’s slept in your room.”

  “She doesn’t want to go back home yet.”

  There was a disbelieving look on his face.

  “Are you sure that’s the only reason?”