The War With Earth

by Leo Frankowski

  "Thanks, Quincy. I'll get working on it."

  She had that gleam in her eye again, and it made me kind of glad that I wasn't fighting on the other side.

  About every six minutes, someone in the enemy army got a notification that his medical records were lost, or that they showed that he had not been given the proper shots, or some such, and that he was ordered to report to the hospital immediately to correct the problem. One of the shots he was always given was supposed to immunize him against cholera, and since that "medicine" always gave him all of the symptoms of the disease, he stayed in the hospital from that time onwards.

  * * *

  The searchlight from our local star was due to hit us in two standard hours, our hidey-hole had been done for days, and had had sufficient time to cool down, and we still hadn't heard from the other half of our squad.

  "There's nothing for it," I said. "We just have to hope that they have dug themselves a safe place to hide. Leave one of the mice out there with a single fiber-optic strand, and bring the rest back, fast. Pull in the other drones, and send them to the tunnel. We're pulling out ASAP."

  I felt strangely guilty about leaving one of the mice out there, since there wasn't much chance that it would survive. It was only a very stupid little machine, but it had served us well, and it hurt to abandon it. But we needed it out there, sending and receiving information for as long as possible.

  As it turned out, later, we lost contact with the mouse we'd left out there within seconds of the time the Search Light hit.

  C'est la guerre.

  "Should we keep the rail guns shooting?" Quincy asked.

  "Why not? We might as well get as much out of them as we can. The Earthers seemed to think that they can survive the radiation bath they're going to get, since they're permanently mounted, and if they don't, well, we didn't pay for them."

  As soon as the mice were in our hoppers, and the cables were rewound, we took off, and went through the back entrance of the tunnel with a standard hour to spare.

  The tunnel was five meters in diameter, on the average, and four hundred meters long. Agnieshka had picked a good spot.

  Forty standard minutes later, we heard Zuzanna yelling, "Make room! We're coming in!"

  She was towing Conan's tank behind her, dragging it along on its belly. His long manipulator arms were gripping her charging bars, and Maria's tank was pushing him from behind. We moved forward so they could be centered in the tunnel.

  "Some day, somebody has got to redesign the drive coils on these things," Conan said by way of an explanation.

  "You guys were cutting it pretty thin," I said.

  "He lost his drive coils at the worst possible time," Zuzanna said. "We were about as far from here as we were from the emergency hole we'd dug near the other shaft, so I figured that we might as well just push on as best as we could."

  "I guess Murphy's Law is functioning normally. I'm just glad that you didn't abandon him," I said.

  "Me too!" Conan shouted.

  "We considered blasting him a hole to hide in, and coming back for him later, but he couldn't have crawled into it by himself, and when you consider the time that we would have had to wait around for the hole to cool down, well, this was our best option. Especially since we didn't have enough ammunition left to dig a hole big enough for all three of us."

  "You did well, Zuzanna. Come on over. There is absolutely nothing that we can do to bother the enemy, and they can't do a blessed thing to us, so we might as well have some fun. We'll throw a searchlight party over at my place."

  "Nope. This one's on me, Mickolai. My faithful servants await your pleasure at the Dark Tower. Just be careful getting past the Moat Monsters."

  So, we spent the next six standard hours, a week in Dream World, in my valley at what amounted to a costume party held in the castle that I had sold to Quincy and Zuzanna.

  It had been modified, of course, to include knights in armor, evil wizards, and a few dragons.

  The twelve of us, garbed in gorgeous medieval finery, feasted and reveled like the lords and ladies of ancient times should have, but probably didn't. Everything was clean, beautiful, and good tasting, for one thing, and my fly had a zipper on it.

  We held a tournament with our nasty rivals from the golden castle, fighting a daylong round-robin, jousting with them as individuals, and then the full dozen of us fought a grand melee with twelve of their best fighters, and trounced them properly!

  Another day was spent hunting a family of dragons who had been devouring our peasant girls out of season, and bagging more than the legal limit.

  I even killed a dragon myself, the huge warlord of his clan, with my trusty lance. I was protected from his dragon fire by my magic shield, while riding my invincible war horse Anna.

  I asked the Lady Agnieshka to figure out a way to mount the dragon's head on the wall in my den, back home.

  She said that she'd be happy to.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  A Stellar Victory

  Sated after yet another medieval feast, eating the roasted apple I'd taken from the teeth of a nicely browned boar's head, I heard Agnieshka announce that the Search Light glare had faded from the entrance.

  After it was done and gone, we sent another mouse out to look around, and the huge fireplace in our hall became a view screen.

  We crowded around it.

  The rail guns had all stopped firing, and most of the paint was stripped from their platforms. One platform had a definite sag in it.

  It had gotten pretty warm out there.

  The radiation count was down to the almost safe level, so we sent the rest of the mice back to the place where we'd stripped the conduit off the data buss.

  We sent them straight in, without any mousing around, since even if we had lost control of the Earthers' computer, we were sure that they didn't have any working sensors out in the open, and an unprotected man wouldn't have lasted for very long.

  The fiber-optic buss was still working, and all six of our tanks started processing data. The first thing that we learned was that the rail guns and other weapons around the shaft were completely inoperative.

  "Somebody shouldn't have left them out in the rain," Lady Zuzanna said.

  In a few minutes, Timothy, Zuzanna's tank, a handsome, teen-aged boy, stood very tall and made the grand announcement. He was the only male persona among our squad's tanks, and said that he didn't mind being included among "The Ladies." In fact, he said that he was rather proud of it, being in good company.

  "Ladies and gentlemen, we are pleased to announce that our mission to date has been successful! The enemy's supply line to Earth was cut five minutes after the Search Light began. For six hours, our nefarious foes have been trying to get it operational again, but without success!"

  The squad let out a cheer! Conan yelled "Hooah!" Zuzanna shouted "Poobah!" Quincy came out with something that sounded like an American rebel yell, and the rest of us just shouted.

  Champagne bottles and glasses magically appeared, the way things do in Dream World. Corks were popped, golden bubbly was poured in glasses, or spilled on the floor, and we drank a toast to victory!

  "To the finest squad in the Kashubian Expeditionary Forces!" I said, and we all cheered.

  "And to the finest general turned squad leader in Human Space! Mickolai Derdowski!" Quincy said, and they cheered even louder.

  "Thank you!" I said, "I needed that! Ladies, what else have you learned?"

  Eva said, "We've learned that twenty-two percent of Earth's forces are in the hospital with cholera, or what they think is cholera, and that the floors in the hospital there are covered with an average of two centimeters of human feces. The medical staff has not yet learned that the oral vaccine that they are distributing as a preventative, and the medicines that they are giving to their patients, both contain very strong laxatives, diuretics, and other impolite things."

  "I'll drink to that!" Conan said, and we all did.

  Maryisa said,
"Over four thousand of the enemy's personal weapons have exploded, causing over three thousand casualties."

  Again, there was a great cheer, and three more bottles were popped.

  Anna, Maria's tank, once a clone of Agnieshka, but her own woman now, said, "Numerous firefights are going on between various ethnic groups within the Earth forces, a Chinese all-female technical battalion has decimated an elite all-male German Panzer Grenadier battalion, and the elite Gurkha battalion has seceded from the army, citing good and sufficient reasons."

  "Confusion to the enemy!" Zuzanna shouted. More champagne bottles were popped, and the contents laughingly distributed.

  Yvette, Conan's tank, had been a clone of Eva, but over the years she had developed into a very distinct individual.

  She said, "The enemy is now abandoning their forward positions, falling back on all fronts, and trying to hold a circle centered on their nonfunctional transporter receiver. Meanwhile, a council of political advisors has relieved General Burnsides of his command, citing insanity, incompetence, and insensitivity, among other things. He refuses to acknowledge their authority to do this, and yet another firefight seems to be in the offing."

  "They're still hoping to be able to run away! We're wiping them up!" Maria shouted, and popped another bottle. We all drank to that.

  "It looks like the war is over!" Kasia said.

  "Not quite," Agnieshka said, and suddenly the room got quiet. "It's looking like it might be resolving itself down to a hostage situation, on a huge scale. In the last week, the Earth forces have taken more than thirty thousand prisoners, mostly civilians. Certain enemy contingents are holding them captive, and demanding that we transport them to a neutral planet, with their hostages, or that they'll fight to the last man, and kill their hostages before they fall."

  "Damn! It sounds like Derdowski's Irregulars are needed down below," Quincy said.

  "It sounds like you are right," I said. "Okay everybody, get sober!"

  They did so immediately. The medieval garb we had still been wearing changed immediately into military uniforms. You can do things like that in Dream World.

  "Get ready to roll. Conan, we have to leave somebody up here to keep an eye on the Earthworm's computer, and since your tank can't move, and we can't get you out of it in this vacuum, you are elected. Our ladies will give Yvette a download on everything we've been doing. I'll leave you with two standard drones and two mice. Keep harassing the enemy, but don't let them find out that we are working through their computer. If things go wrong, don't try to fight it out with the Earthworms. Go ahead and surrender, if they'll let you. If you die alone up here, it won't help our planet much, and we'll be needing both of you later. But if any of us live through this one, we'll come back for the two of you as soon as we can."

  "Will do, sir."

  "Yes, Mickolai," Yvette said.

  "Good. Agnieshka, is there any reason why we can't just drive up to the shaft and go in?"

  "No, sir. The doors to the air locks are computer controlled, and the enemy has fallen back over thirty-seven kilometers, so far."

  "Do we know where the hostages are being kept?"

  "I know one of the locations. It's a high school auditorium."

  "Then let's move. Move out! We can do some simulations on the way."

  By the time we got to the shaft, Yvette had figured out the other hostage locations, and had transmitted them to us via an IR comm laser on one of her drones.

  All told, there were six of them.

  There was a snag getting into the main air lock. It was computer controlled all right, but on leaving, one of the Earthers had jammed the door from the inside with a steel bar.

  It gave Maria a chance to catch up with the rest of us. Being behind Conan in the tunnel, she'd had to take the long way around to get to us.

  The Japanese plans showed an emergency air lock, human sized and manually operated, on the other side of the structure. Two of our humanoid drones got us inside in a few minutes. I hadn't thought that they would be of much use, but those manlike drones were turning out to be very handy.

  On the way down, we started hitting major snags. On retreating, the Earthworms had done the same thing we had done in the iron layer to open up the old exploratory shaft. Only they had fired rail gun needles entirely around the circumference of the big tunnels, completely blocking them with metal vapor and spray, cutting off any possible counterattack.

  What's more, they never logged these tunnel modifications, even with their own computer. Not that we could contact their computer, or anybody else. Blasting the tunnel walls, ceilings, and floors had also blown away all the data conduits as well.

  The mining tunnels were a vast maze that had been dug, not to any preset plan, but according to what was convenient at the time, depending on what metals had been selling well on Earth. It was mapped, but the blockages in it were not.

  We were forced to backtrack, and take side tunnels, only to run into obstructions again, and backtrack again. And again. And again.

  It was extremely frustrating.

  Hostages, our own people, maybe even our own relatives, were under the threat of massacre, and we were spending hour after standard hour, day after day in Dream World, running up and down empty tunnels. We never saw the enemy or any of our own forces, either.

  And all the while, we couldn't find out what was happening in the real world. Had our politicians given in to the enemy's demands? Were our people stranded on some deserted planet? Had the bastards carried out their threats and wreaked havoc?

  We just didn't know.

  At least, it gave us plenty of time to work out every possibility that we could think of, to run simulations of them, and to figure out what would work, and what wouldn't.

  If we had had a full load of rail gun needles ourselves, I would have tried to blast one of the obstructions away, and worry later about if we were draining the air out of a pressurized section that our people might be in, but we didn't.

  Our two tanks with rail guns had less than thirty seconds' worth of ammunition each.

  I was about to order us back to the shaft and up to the surface, to collect up any ammunition we could find around the fixed rail guns around the lid on the shaft. Osmium is pretty tough stuff, and probably wouldn't have been hurt by the Search Light. I didn't know for sure, but maybe it would fit our guns.

  Then Kasia had an idea.

  "This debris they blocked these tunnels with. It's fairly cool. They had to have done this at least a day ago."

  "So?" I said.

  "So twelve standard hours ago, Conan was still picking up data from their computer. It didn't know about all these tunnel closures. This business of sealing off the tunnels must have been done by local commanders without telling their general staff about it. Our stunts must have had the effect of completely discrediting their leadership. They were bugging out without the brass's knowing about it. There's a good chance that Conan's still in contact with that computer. That means that the data buss goes back to their computer by some other way than these main mining tunnels. If we go back and find that conduit, we can follow it and find a way to their computer, which has to be close to the transporter receiver, where they first came in, and their main base."

  "Good thinking," I said, "and while we're back there, we can see about getting some more ammunition for Zuzanna and Maria."

  Zuzanna said, "You mean to tell me that there was more ammunition, back at the shaft head?"

  "There might be. And if there is, I don't know if it will fit. It's stuff that the Earthers brought with them."

  "You could have told us about it, dammit! Going into combat when you're practically out of ammunition is not a pleasant prospect!"

  "I didn't think about it. I was worried about the hostages, and didn't see what good a rail gun would be in freeing them. Then again, you could have asked," I said.

  Her reply was censored by her computer.

  So we turned around and spent three standard ho
urs getting back to where we'd been fifteen hours before.

  We had to go back outside to determine exactly where the conduit entered the lid that covered the shaft. Then, we had to peel open three similar conduits on the inside before we found the right one.

  Conan said that he was doing just fine, that the hostage situation was in negotiation, and that it was likely to be dragged out for days, yet, or maybe years, since both sides had brought politicians, diplomats, and lawyers with them. For the time being, all fighting had come to a dead stop, except for two bloody battles, one between Hindus and Moslems, and another between two African groups whose names he couldn't pronounce.

  Forty-one percent of the enemy now had cholera, but none of the sick had died of it yet. The medics were very proud of that.

  And the Gurkhas were still sitting this one out.

  Zuzanna and Maria took most of our drones and searched around the rail gun platforms. It was only when they sent some of the humanoid drones up to the guns that they found that they were linked with a series of conveyor belts that delivered ammunition to them. Those belts were full of rail gun needles.

  Zuzanna gave all of her old ammo to Maria, loaded up on the new stuff, which looked just like what we were used to, and let out a ten-second blast at a nearby tungsten dune.

  "It works just fine!" she reported.

  Then they filled their guns and hoppers with more ammunition than they could possibly use in any conceivable situation in the tunnels.

  I guess that when you've been hungry for a while, you eat a lot.

  An hour after we got to the surface, we were heading back down, moving slower this time, and stopping now and then to make sure we were still following the right conduit, and getting an update from Conan.