A Chapter on Love

by Laney Webber

  She wasn’t sure why she was worried about that because Lee was one of the few people Jannika had never felt foolish or self-conscious around. She remembered the day after family day at camp, she’d been sitting on the dock, wishing she was like the rest of the girls in her cabin. They had mothers and fathers who came to camp, took pictures, and played field games. Aunt Gunnie and Uncle Charlie came to camp and they took pictures and Jannika loved them so much, but they weren’t her parents. Her mother thought camp was a waste of money, and she had no father. That wasn’t exactly correct—she didn’t know whether he was dead or alive. He’d left when she was a baby, and the subject was closed with her mother. Every time Jannika asked about her father her mother said, He’s a loser. I’m not talking about it. He left and never looked back.

  But on that long-ago day, Lee had appeared on the dock next to her and sat down. Jannika couldn’t remember what she said to Lee about family day, but she remembered being held by Lee’s eyes. When Lee listened to her stories, she felt like the most important person in the world. She did remember breaking down and crying because Lee’s kindness pierced through the tough girl front she’d shown the rest of the world. She never forgot what that kindness felt like and how it released and nurtured her confidence in herself.

  She parked her car behind the store and looked at the back door of the building. She told herself she wasn’t going to think about how, in a few hours, she’d be sitting across the table from the woman she’s thought about, dreamed about, and fantasized about for the last eighteen years.

  As the day passed, Jannika watched the hands on the bookstore clock again and again. Tuesdays were usually slow and today was no exception. She took out her cell phone and compared it to the wall clock more than once.

  Sarah breezed in at about ten thirty with a couple of paper bags of children’s books that a friend had given her. The children’s and young adult books were Sarah’s love, and Jannika was happy to hand that part of the job over to her.

  “I’m going to be in my nook with the books. Unless you’d like to see them first?”

  “We’ve priced together enough times now, you go ahead and have at it,” Jannika said.

  She worked on her inventory spreadsheet and pulled up her wanted list to add a few titles to look for this upcoming weekend. Excel was not one of Jannika’s skills, and she had to google more than a few How do I do the thing in Excel? questions. Anything to keep her mind busy.

  When her back muscles grew stiff from the stress of looking at numbers, she turned off the computer and got out a legal pad and pen. She wrote lists for the rest of the morning. She wrote a list of to-do jobs around the cottage, tasks for Sarah to do while she was away next weekend, and a Christmas gift list, and found a grocery app that linked to her store and made a list on that, linking it to recipes that she would probably never make.

  She looked up from her lists to give her eyes a break. She liked the look of the new coffee area at the front of the store and the comfy chairs over by the windows in the back. It was a good place for parents to sit and keep an eye on their kids. Jannika glanced at the clock again and her stomach fluttered. It was time to go meet Lee.

  “Sarah, I’m going out for lunch today. I’ll be back in about an hour. Do you want anything?”

  “Hmm. No. I’m trying to be more mindful of eating, so I checked in with my body and it’s okay foodwise.” Sarah tapped her stomach area with two fingers.

  “Sure thing. Be back soon.” Jannika made her way to the sidewalk outside the bookstore.

  The fall air smelled like warm autumn leaves, wood smoke, and a hint of cinnamon from Bronislaw’s Bakery. She’d fantasized about this woman for years, but her crush was not real life, she reminded herself. She figured she’d go and have a conversation and get to know Lee—the real person—and that would put things in perspective. She tried to convince her sweaty palms and jumpy stomach that she was just having a reaction to her past come to life. She pulled open the door to the restaurant and scanned the faces of people in the entryway waiting to be seated.

  Jannika didn’t see Lee. Ha. After all her worrying, Lee’d probably reconsidered and decided not to come.

  She felt someone touch the back of her arm.

  “Sorry, I had to take a quick call outside. Hi.” Lee smiled a bright, warm smile.

  “Hi.” Jannika’s voice came out in a croak. Her mouth was dry and she licked her lips. She noticed Lee glance at her lips and her knees went a little wobbly.

  “I came a little early, because I knew they’d be busy at lunchtime,” Lee said.

  The entryway was crowded, so she and Lee had no choice but to stand close to each other. Jannika’s heart rate picked up speed. She kept her hands in her jacket pockets to keep from fidgeting. Jannika couldn’t remember ever feeling this attracted to anyone else. It went beyond physical attraction, way beyond crush. It had been one thing to dream about meeting Leslie again, another to be with her.

  But she was afraid they might both be very different now than the people they remembered. She was afraid she might disappoint Lee. And she was also afraid that everything she felt when she was seventeen was still there, and she had no idea what that meant. Her stomach tightened and she swallowed hard. Lee had seemed to be flirting with her at the book group last night. What if Lee was interested in her? That thought scared the hell out of her. God, she felt like she was seventeen again, and not in a good way. Her gaze darted around the room looking for a way out.

  “Lee, for two?” the hostess called out.

  “Right here.”

  Jannika followed Lee to the table. They took their seats as the waitress poured water and set down a bread basket.

  “What brought you into my bookstore?” Jannika blurted out, surprised at her own words.

  Lee took a sip of water. Her eyes didn’t leave Jannika’s. “A few days after I moved to Fairfield—”

  “You live in Fairfield?”

  “Yes, I’m renting a house over there. Nice little town. Grangeton’s a little too…residential for my taste. Sorry, you probably live here. It’s not me.”

  “I live in Fairfield too. I rent a little carriage house on Myrtle Street off Main Street,” she said.

  “Funny, Hannah didn’t tell me that. I checked out a house a buddy of mine owns in Fairfield, and it felt right. Grangeton seems like the big city to me with all the stores and restaurants. I like farmland and forest. Fairfield has both.”

  “What did Hannah tell you?” Jannika took a sip of water. Her throat was as dry as a cracker.

  They were interrupted by the arrival of their waitress. “Hi. I’m Andrea, are you ladies ready to order?”

  Jannika ordered a clam roll. Lee glanced at the menu and said, “I’ll have what she’s having.” When the waitress was out of sight, Lee put her forearms on the red Formica tabletop and leaned forward toward Jannika.

  “Hannah said I needed to drop by The Pageturner, a fabulous bookstore in Grangeton, run by a gorgeous tall blond goddess by the name of Jannika, who had also come down from Maine. And she said most of the women in town, straight and lesbian, and some of the men had at least a little crush on her,” Lee said.

  Jannika felt her face grow warm. She shook her head. “Oh boy, I don’t think so.”

  “I was curious. I had only met one other Jannika many years ago, and I wanted to find out if it was the same Jannika and say hello. I was going to stop by the store one day, but Hannah told me about the book group, and I thought, what the heck, it might be a good way to meet folks in town. I stayed up all night so I could finish the book, and then I couldn’t think of anything to say.”

  “As it happens, the book group’s not such a great way to meet people from town. None of them are from Grangeton or Fairfield,” Jannika said with a smile.

  “You are.” Lee looked straight into her eyes.

  The waitress placed their drinks and two straws on the table. Lee took her straw and unwrapped it slowly. Jannika could not take her eyes o
ff Lee’s fingers manipulating the paper wrapper of the straw, as she tore it around and around. She grabbed her own straw and ripped off the paper wrapper.

  “I guess you showed that straw.” Lee laughed.

  Jannika looked at her and laughed too. Their laughter melted some of the tension.

  The waitress came and placed their clam rolls and extra napkins on the table.

  Time to bring their conversation to the present. “Last night you said you’re a park ranger?” Jannika asked.

  “I used to be a park ranger in Maine. I was an interpreter. But now I’m a park manager. Rangers in Maine are law enforcement officers. I had a skiing accident a couple of years ago and had to admit to myself that I couldn’t ask my body to do certain things out in the field anymore. And if I can’t trust my body, I’m not a good ranger. I decided to work as a park interpreter and manager and focus on the people side of the park.”

  “Were you hurt badly?” Jannika’s fingers played with her napkin. Was this question too personal?

  “I fell, twisted my leg, and tore my ACL. The surgery went well, but it was a bad tear and I don’t like the way my knees feel on skis anymore. Cross-country skiing came with the job in Maine.”

  “And what do you interpret at the state park? Is that a silly question?” God, it was a silly question.

  Lee smiled. “It’s not a silly question. A park interpreter tells stories about the history or the wildlife or ecology of the park. We try to gauge the personality of the group we’re talking to and fit the stories to the group. Being a good interpreter is an art, really. It helps visitors appreciate and support our state parks and other wild areas.”

  “It sounds like you love your job like I love mine. Your family’s still in Maine?”

  “Generations of them. My dad worked for the paper mill in Rumford and retired a few years ago. He and my mom live on my grandfather’s farm now. When I was a little girl, my dad would bring home bundles of new paper. It was a few years before I realized that most people bought paper at a store. I loved the smell of that clean, new paper. I used to sketch things I wanted to make or build—my dad made me a corkboard idea wall so I could display my designs.”

  They continued to talk about Lee’s job, their mutual love of the outdoors, and the differences between Maine and New Hampshire.

  “I’m so sorry about your knee. So you’re like the goodwill ambassadress for state parks.”

  “Ambassadress?” Lee raised an eyebrow. “I’ve never been called that. Sounds a bit like what I would have worn to the prom, if I went to the prom.” She laughed and Jannika laughed with her. “The bright side is, I took up snowshoeing in place of skiing. And I love it. Have you ever tried?”

  “Once, when I was little. I wasn’t very good at it. The big tails kept crossing behind me and I’d trip.” She demonstrated by putting one index finger over the other.

  “Oh, were those the old wooden snowshoes? You should try the new ones. Bean’s has some great lightweight shoes. If you ever want to try again, let me know. Great fun and great workout for your ass.”

  Jannika pictured Lee leaving the bookstore last night. Her face grew hot. Thanks a lot for my complexion, Swedish ancestors.

  “I’d love to know what you’re thinking about right now,” Lee said. She finished the last bit of her clam roll, wiped her mouth and hands with her napkin, and grinned. “That was great. Kind of messy”—she looked down at the bits of food on her plate and paper placemat—“but great.” She looked back up at Jannika. “So…”

  Jannika watched every movement she made. Part of her couldn’t believe she was sitting across from Leslie after all these years.

  “Haddock.”

  “Haddock?” Lee asked.

  “You wanted to know my favorite seafood. The other night when you asked me to lunch. What’s yours, and what was the name of the state park you’re at?”

  “You’re changing the subject.”

  “Yes, I am,” Jannika said, leaning back in the booth. She needed to get her mind off Lee’s beautiful backside and concentrate on conversation. If she focused on the conversation she would be okay, but if she let the reality of Lee sitting across from her come into focus, she was afraid she might start squirming in her seat. As it was, she didn’t know where it was safe to look. If she watched Lee’s hands, she thought about what her hands might feel like touching her. If she looked at her face, part of her wanted to climb onto the table and kiss her. She tried to vary where her gaze traveled. Lee probably thought she looked like she had some eye problem, so she stopped doing the eye shifting thing.

  “I really do want to know about your job and your park.” Jannika hoped she looked like a normal person.

  “It’s scallops and Watt’s Lake State Park. The park is about thirty minutes from here, south, near Kingston. I was a park manager for the past year while I was on light duty in Maine. But it was a temporary position and I wanted a smaller park with camping. Have you ever been there?”

  “No, I haven’t camped since…” Jannika said.

  “Since Camp Pine Knoll? I’ll take you over to my park sometime if you’d like. Now, what about you? I remember you brought an armload of books with you when you came to camp. Have you always managed bookstores?”

  “I worked part time in a Barnes and Noble and got a job in a small used and rare book store during college. After I graduated I took a position as a community business manager for the Barnes and Noble in Portland. I didn’t like it. I was too removed from the books. Then I worked weekends in the local library, went back to the little bookstore, and bought and sold used books online,” Jannika said.

  “I hear the passion in your voice when you talk about books. But I can’t believe you moved away from Stillmeadow. I remember you said you loved the mountains.”

  “I missed my mountains but I needed to get away from my mother. I moved away as fast as I could. I went to a local community college near Stillmeadow and finished college over at USM in Portland. My mother didn’t want me to finish college over in Portland. She had a thing about Portland—I guess it had bad memories for her. That’s where she lived after high school, and where she met the man who was my father. I don’t know if you remember that story,” Jannika said.

  “I remember more than you probably think I do.” Lee leaned forward.

  Jannika felt the heat climb up her cheeks. She couldn’t remember blushing this much since grade school. She smiled. “Oh, do you?” she said.

  “You’d be surprised,” Lee answered. “You seemed very happy at camp for the most part.”

  “I loved camp. Certain years were better than others.” Jannika looked straight into Lee’s eyes.

  “For me as well,” Lee said. Her eyes never left Jannika’s. “You were an industrious girl as I remember—you always wanted to help Patty and me.”

  “Industrious? Lee…I…” Jannika looked down at her hands. She was flirting and having fun with Lee and had been on the verge of talking about her teenage crush. Talk about oversharing. She didn’t know Lee really at all. And her old crush looked a bit dated and silly now that she sat across from the real Lee and not her fantasy Leslie. She didn’t want to make a fool out of herself. She took a sip of water. She watched Lee take a sip of water. She looked around the restaurant.

  “Do you know what time it is? I should be getting back.”

  “Jannika, the last thing I wanted to do was make you uncomfortable, and I have.” Lee said.

  “No, you haven’t made me uncomfortable. A lot of time has gone by between that summer and now.”

  The waitress slipped the check onto the table as she walked by. Jannika and Lee reached for it at the same time. They looked up and locked eyes.

  “I’ll get it,” said Lee reaching into her back pocket.

  “No, that’s okay, I—”

  “I’ve got it, Jannika,” Lee said, placing cash with the check on the end of their table. “I invited you.”

  The authority in Lee’s voice made Jan
nika’s stomach do a flip and her head feel light. She tried to distract herself from her body’s reactions. Lee reached across the table and covered Jannika’s hand with hers. A wave of warmth moved up her arm and down her spine. She stared at Lee and wanted to stop, but she couldn’t take her eyes away from Lee’s.

  She heard Lee’s voice saying something and refocused.

  “…for taking time out of your day to go to lunch with me. I felt really welcomed at the book group last night. They seem like a special group of women. I hope they’ll have me back. We didn’t get a chance to talk about your bookstore.”

  As Lee spoke, Jannika caught a glimpse of something behind her lovely eyes. Something she wanted to know. Warmth rose in her body like mercury in a thermometer. She was fascinated by Lee’s mouth and the way it formed words. She couldn’t stop looking at her mouth.

  Lee pulled her hand away and leaned back in the booth. That broke the spell. “Can I take you to dinner this weekend if you don’t have other plans already?”

  Jannika tried to place the words this weekend into some kind of context in her brain. October. Weekend. Today was Tuesday. Oh, right, the Simon’s weekend was this weekend.

  “I’m busy this weekend,” Jannika said. Her mind was busy and her legs felt like cooked spaghetti. How could this woman be more good-looking than she remembered? And she was definitely more sexy. Of course, they said women were sexiest in their forties, and she agreed. Whoa. She had no idea what she was doing or feeling, and she didn’t want things to get out of control. Okay, more out of control. Jeez.

  Jannika scooted out of the booth. “Anyway, I’ve got to get back to the bookstore.” Her voice came out clipped and short, even though she really did need to get back. She tried to ignore the familiar feeling of anxiety whenever emotions got too close.