A Chapter on Love

by Laney Webber

  “Yes, I am very close to you, aren’t I?” Lee said. She drew herself even closer and slipped her arm around Jannika’s waist. She brought her lips to meet Jannika’s.

  She wrapped her arms around Lee’s neck. Lee’s kiss wasn’t just a kiss—it was a promise. Jannika opened herself to accept what Lee was giving. She felt her eyes fill and her heart beat faster. She wanted to be able to give Lee the same promise.

  Lee ended the kiss by stroking Jannika’s cheek with the back of her hand. She sat back against the couch cushion. “You are so beautiful.” She traced Jannika’s hairline across her forehead, down her temple, and behind her left ear.

  “And you are incredible,” Jannika said. “That kiss…was…I don’t have words.” She reached over and took Lee’s hand in hers.

  “I understand why you need to go to Maine. I love that you’re being honest, with yourself and with me. I need to talk to you about something too,” Lee said. She squeezed Jannika’s hand and ran her thumb up and down over the back of her knuckles.

  “What?” Jannika asked. She felt her stomach grow tight when she saw the look on Lee’s face.

  “I want to tell you a little about Shannon’s death to help you understand something about me,” Lee said, reaching over and clasping Jannika’s free hand.

  “Of course. I want to hear whatever you want to say,” Jannika said, both her hands now held by Lee.

  “You may not want to hear this, but I need to say this. I told you that Shannon was killed in a car accident, but I didn’t tell you what kind of car accident. Shannon was killed by a man who was going too fast around a corner. He lost control of his car and plowed into Shannon’s car. The force of the impact flipped her car over an embankment,” Lee said. She pulled one of her hands away and rubbed her forehead.

  “Oh my God,” Jannika said. She bit her lower lip. “That’s awful, horrible. I’m so sorry, Lee.”

  “The driver broke his legs and his back, but he lived. He said he was just fooling around. He was very sorry.” Lee’s jaw was set and her words came out hard and flat. “Yesterday when you got that call about your aunt, you peeled out of my driveway. I felt sick inside after you left.”

  That explained the weird tone of their phone call. “I’m sorry I left like that. I understand now how that would upset you,” Jannika said. She was also kind of embarrassed. The last thing she wanted to do was anything that would hurt Lee.

  “I was pissed at the way you drove off. Totally pissed. There aren’t too many things that I come down hard on, but speeding is probably number one. Tell me that isn’t a habit of yours, that it was a one-time thing,” Lee said. Her face was pale and tight.

  “It wasn’t a one-time thing,” Jannika said.

  “It isn’t?” Lee asked. Her voice was low and soft.

  Jannika tried to look anywhere but at Lee’s face. She didn’t want to lie to Lee ever, but the truth was going to be hard to say.

  “It’s a bad habit of mine. When I’m upset I tend to speed. Marcy and my Aunt Gunnie are always on me about it—”

  “They should be on you about it. Damn it, Jannika. Do you want to kill somebody?”

  “Of course I don’t want to kill anyone. That’s an awful thing to say,” Jannika said.

  “Before you go to Maine, you need to know that as much as I truly want to see where this goes with you and how much I want to be with you, I can’t—no, I won’t be afraid of getting you upset because you’ll go speeding off someplace. Or worrying that someone else will piss you off and you’ll go off speeding and either get yourself killed or kill someone’s mother or lover or daughter,” Lee said. Her eyes were filled. As she blinked they overflowed and tears ran down her face. “I won’t. I can’t.”

  Lee turned away, her face in her hands.

  Jannika’s heart felt like it would jump right out of her chest. She looked at the woman sitting next to her on her couch and uncurled her legs. She moved next to Lee and ran her hand up Lee’s back. Her heart was still pounding.

  “I’m so sorry. I’ll try not to speed.” She continued to

  rub Lee’s back with a sweaty palm. She didn’t know what else to do.

  Lee took Jannika’s hands in hers. “My brain knows that you’re going to try, and my heart wants to believe it, but speeding just sets me off. It’s like I poured all my grief and loss into the speeding, so that I could get through the everyday things. I know it probably sounds over the top or irrational even, but if you care about me, please don’t speed.”

  “I don’t want to ever cause you worry or pain. I know I probably will at some time, but not over something I can control. Will you help me? It’s a habit I’ve had for a long, long time and it might be hard to break. But I promise you that I will try to never speed in the car again,” Jannika said. She swallowed the lump of fear that rose in her throat when she thought about losing Lee after just finding her again. Her friends and family had chastised her about her bad habit for years, but their worry and fear never reached inside of her the way Lee’s did.

  “There’s something else,” Lee said looking into Jannika’s eyes.

  “What?”

  “I want to tell you the rest of the story around Shannon’s accident.”

  “Absolutely.” Jannika’s stomach was in knots. She held Lee’s hands. Every word that Lee said mattered to her.

  “The day of the accident was like any other day. I wasn’t in the greatest of moods and Shannon wanted me to go to the store. I was angry because I always did the errands, and I said so. Shannon grabbed her bag and her keys and I can still hear her say what she said as she slammed out the door. They were her last words to me. Sometimes you suck, darling. And that was it. An hour later I got the call. Even after all this time and some pretty heavy-duty therapy, I still think it should have been me. And things like this just trigger those memories and my guilt.” Tears formed at the edges of Lee’s eyes.

  She leaned forward, took Lee’s face into her hands, and placed gentle kisses around her eyes and on her cheeks. Then she smoothed the hair from Lee’s forehead and kissed there

  and touched her forehead to Lee’s. They sat like that for a moment, and then she wrapped her arms around Lee, and Lee wrapped her arms around her waist and leaned her head on

  her shoulder.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Jannika left New Hampshire midafternoon on Sunday and headed to Maine to see Joanne. I-95 north bottlenecked about five miles after the Piscataqua River Bridge, as Jannika passed the exit for York and Ogunquit. Traffic was heavy on Fridays and Saturdays, with everyone from Massachusetts traveling north or going to the coast, but Sundays were usually traffic free. She touched the front left pocket of her jeans and felt the small hard outline of a stone. Marcy had stopped by before she left and picked up a stone from Jannika’s driveway and pressed it against her heart. She told Jannika that when she felt afraid or nervous in Maine or like she couldn’t go through with it, touch the stone. Jannika had picked up a stone, pressed it against her heart, and given it to Marcy. Marcy had jokingly called them their touchstones.

  She reached into her snack bag for some of the fluffernackers she’d packed. Uncle Charlie had introduced her to the treat, with peanut butter on one cracker and marshmallow fluff on another, stuck together like a mini fluffernutter sandwich. Jannika called them fluffernackers when she was around three years old, and they’d been fluffernackers ever since. Aunt Gunnie couldn’t believe she still ate them.

  After thirty minutes of crawling, the cars started to move ahead faster. Jannika looked out the passenger window at the remnants of an accident and hoped that no one was hurt badly. She thought of the conversation she’d had with Lee a few days ago. She couldn’t imagine losing someone she loved in such a violent way.

  Jannika drove directly to Maine Medical Center in Portland. She hoped that Joanne still worked the weekend shift. She parked in the parking garage and took the elevator to the second floor. The sound of her heart beating muffled the conversations ha
ppening around her.

  She saw Joanne at a desk in one of the seven outpatient registration cubes. The memory of Joanne’s betrayal only made her feel stronger. Her confidence grew as she walked closer to Joanne’s cubicle. There was no one in line, so she went straight to Joanne’s desk.

  “Are you kidding me, Jannika? You pick now to show up, just show up?”

  “You said as soon as possible.” Jannika shoved her trembling hands into her pockets.

  “Did it cross your mind to call or text?”

  “I’m here today and I’ve borrowed a truck.” She fingered the stone in her pocket and it gave her another burst of confidence. She realized that Joanne and the memory of their relationship no longer had a hold on her heart. She just wanted to get her things and get back home to Lee.

  “I get out in a few minutes, but I have things I have to do. Meet me at the house at seven.”

  “At seven?” Jannika said.

  “Tough shit, Nick, meet me at the house at seven, or forget about your stuff. You’re really rude, you know, just showing up like this. I’ll make sure Lucy doesn’t pop over—that would be inconvenient, wouldn’t it?”

  “Is Lucy your…”

  “Yes, she’s my lover.” Joanne thrust her chin in the air. “I can’t talk here. Meet me at seven at the house.”

  Jannika nodded and rode the elevator down to her car. She didn’t like confrontation, but she felt like she was taking back part of her life and making it her story. Not someone else’s story. She’d come face-to-face with the person who broke her heart and betrayed her. She used to think about that moment and what she would do, what she would say.

  Now she had two hours to kill, and as she drove to the mall near the hospital, she considered how to spend that time. She still had friends here, but she didn’t want to see any of the old crowd she and Joanne used to hang around with. But she also didn’t want to sit in her car in the mall parking lot for two hours. It was a cold, gray November day with a raw east wind off the ocean. Not a good day for walking around town. She picked up her phone and made a call.

  “Edgar Goodale here.”

  “Hi, Edgar, it’s Jannika.”

  “To what do I owe the gift of this good fortune?” Edgar said.

  She explained the Joanne situation. “But I can’t go over till seven. I’m in the mall parking lot.”

  “Come over and see me, my friend. I have an interesting item that came in a week or so ago. I think you might like to see it. This is fortuitous, Jannika,” Edgar said.

  “For both of us.” She chuckled. Edgar’s voice was as soothing as a warm cup of tea. “See you in fifteen minutes or so,” she said.

  Jannika drove to Goodale Books, pulled into the narrow alleyway between the bookstore and the Galley Restaurant, and parked in her old space behind the store. She breathed a sigh of familiarity. So much had happened in her life since her time working at Edgar’s store. Edgar and Helen had been so much a part of her life after she left her mother’s house to come down to college in Portland. Edgar’s shop and his home felt more like home than her mother’s house ever did.

  She had learned how to buy new books when she worked at Barnes and Noble, but Edgar taught her about used books, old books, how a book was made, and how to do simple repairs to a treasured book. The first year, all Edgar let her do was arrange books on the shelves, cash out customers, and watch him. And learn.

  Then one day, she’d helped a customer when Edgar was busy in the back room. She thought he’d been out of earshot, but his reaction surprised her and the words he’d said set the course for her professional life. That, my dear, was the most stunning display of reader’s advisory I’ve witnessed. You have a remarkable intuitive connection with our customers. Don’t be stingy with it.

  From that day on, they’d become more like partners in the store. Outside of the store, Edgar and Helen welcomed her into their home like the daughter they never had.

  Edgar opened the rear door and waved her in. “Let me give you the grand tour of your old stomping ground.” He showed Jannika how he had rearranged the store and some of his latest finds.

  Then he crouched behind the tall wood counter and brought out a small box. “Now lay your eyes on this.”

  He lifted off the cover of the box and Jannika looked inside at an old book.

  “Whoa, that’s a once in a lifetime treasure. It’s gorgeous. Where’d you find it?”

  “Believe it or not, my lovely lady found it at a yard sale.”

  “Can I hold it?”

  “Yes, of course. I’m sending this one out for repair by someone with more expertise than I. There are times one needs to take things apart in order to make them whole again.” Edgar caught Jannika’s eye.

  “You’re a wise man, Edgar Goodale. Let me wash my hands.” She stepped into the small bathroom behind the counter that was the size of a broom closet. Indeed, it had been a broom closet before Edgar put in the bathroom.

  “She must be a splendid someone for you to come back to see her.” Edgar wrinkled his nose.

  “Yes, she is splendid.” Jannika smiled at the thought of Lee as she pulled a sheet of paper from the big roll under the counter and placed it on the table next to the counter. She placed the book on the paper and carefully examined it, then put it back in its box. “Shouldn’t you have that under lock and key?”

  “No one knows about it yet. But I’m sure there will be solicitations soon.”

  Edgar continued to show Jannika his latest finds, and she filled him in on The Pageturner.

  And now it was time to face Joanne. “Well, thanks for the distraction, and what a treat to see you twice in one month. I thought I’d feel more on edge coming to the house again, but I’m glad she called. I need to—as you’d say—have a proper good-bye.”

  Edgar put his arm around Jannika’s shoulder as they walked to the door.

  “I want you to look at her when you see her. Really look at her. Not as you remember her, not as you want her to be. Just as she is. You have an honorable heart, my dear. Follow where it leads.”

  “Thank you.” She kissed him on his cheek. “I’ll drop you an email later this week.”

  Jannika drove to Joanne’s house in silence, reaching into her bag to eat more fluffernackers for fortification and gulping tea from a thermos Edgar filled at the store. She pulled behind a white Subaru Legacy and felt her pocket for the touchstone. You can do this, Nick. She heard Marcy’s words in her head.

  Joanne opened the door as Jannika hit the second stair on the porch. She had changed after work. Her choice of attire for this meeting was a very tight white tank top and skintight black jeans.

  “A little cool for a tank top, don’t you think?” Jannika said. She walked past Joanne and headed for the living room. Her head spun as she looked around. It was her first time in the house, their house, since the night they broke up. The night Joanne kicked her out and never wanted to see her or speak to her again. She put her hand on the seat of a barstool to steady herself. Everywhere she looked were memories. Joanne had changed nothing.

  “You noticed?” Joanne said. She looked down at her chest, then at Jannika.

  Joanne’s nipples were a distraction she didn’t need right now.

  “The boxes are over there.” Joanne pointed to a hallway off the living room. “Take them out, and I’ll make sure there’s nothing else you left here.”

  “I didn’t leave anything. You kicked me out and had your friends bring me my stuff. In garbage bags.”

  “You were always so fucking sensitive.” Joanne looked at Jannika like she was making a decision about something, then walked into the hallway off the living room. “It’s only five boxes, Nick. I thought there was one more with some of your precious books.”

  Jannika opened the front door and propped open the wooden screen door with the brick they had always left on the top step for that purpose. Her ears rang with the familiarity of everything. She brought a box to the truck and balanced it on her hip
as she flipped the tailgate down with one hand. Lee had offered to let her use her Toyota, but that didn’t feel right, and she borrowed Hannah’s truck instead.

  Joanne dropped a small box in the doorway. She turned and went back into the house. Jannika finished loading the truck and went back inside. She moved the brick with her foot and let the screen door shut behind her.

  “I want to talk about us, about why you never answered my calls or my texts. Why your friends had to bring me my stuff. Why I couldn’t come back in my house and talk to you about what you did. To us.”

  “It’s my house, Nick, remember? You didn’t want your name on the mortgage. It felt like too much of a commitment to you, too fast, you said. Remember? And remember how you screwed me over? You told me that you were leaving straight from work to go to your mother’s for the weekend.”

  Jannika wanted to say everything she hadn’t gotten a chance to say when Joanne ordered her out of their house. “I screwed you over? I decided to stay home with you that weekend, and when I came home you were in bed with your ex. Our bed. In our house. And you screamed at me to get out like I was the intruder.” She crossed her arms over her chest.

  “Did you ever try to come to the house, Nick? In all this time, did you ever try to fight for me? No, I didn’t want to talk to you on the phone or text you, damn you, I wanted you to come back for me, show me that I mattered to you, but no, you ran away. You ran clean out of state. Fuck you, Nick.” Joanne’s face was flushed and she gave Jannika the finger. “Fuck you.”

  Mind. Blown. “I was trying to respect your wishes, and I was hurt. You broke my heart.”

  “You were chicken.” A bit of spit flew out of Joanne’s mouth and landed on Jannika’s cheek.

  She took a deep breath, gathered herself, and said, “You cheated on me and I didn’t deserve that. No one deserves to be treated that way. I’m glad you called. Thanks for my stuff. So long, Joanne.” Jannika walked toward the door. Her heart was pounding, but she felt good. She felt powerful.